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Archives for December 3, 2012
Teach Reasoning
A few days ago, I came across a debate about first-time obedience on BabyCenter. Among the naysayers, there was this prevailing idea that a child who is characterized by first-time obedience is a robot who doesn’t know how to think for himself. The contention was that if you teach a child to obey, he will obey anyone and everyone, even adults who have questionable motives.
My response was that even though I teach my children to obey, I also teach them to think for themselves. My children are not robots.
The Ezzos tell us to teach our children the moral reasons behind the things we require of our children. We teach them things like:
- You behave in a restaurant not just because it’s less annoying, but because you need to think of the other people around you. You cannot ruin their meals.
- You share your toys with your friends because if you were your friend, you would want to play with the toys, too. (Basic first principle stuff.)
This is why I love the Ezzo parenting ideals so much. They don’t tell us to have our kids obey at all costs and forget everything else. Obedience is super important, but we also need kids who think for themselves enough to think of others.
As you navigate this parenting journey, be sure to give your kids ample opportunity to think for themselves. Reasoning is a skill that needs to be learned. I’ll give you an example:
Recently, when William was doing his schoolwork, he wanted me to help him read the passage he was assigned. It seemed daunting to him, but I told him I wanted him to read it. He proceeded to whine and complain. I told him I wouldn’t listen to his whining, but that if he stood up next to me and came up with an alternative (spoken in a respectful voice), I’d be happy to listen. I wanted him to see that I was a reasonable parent who would listen to a reasonable alternative. His suggestion was that I would read the first half and he would read the second.
I’m happy to note that this turned his attitude around immediately. Now, I still had to refuse because I was working and couldn’t take the time away. He was fine with this. I didn’t get any additional attitude issues, and he walked away and completed the work quickly and without complaint. He appreciated that I listened, but he still had to obey. And he knew that in no point in the process was there an alternative to simply not do the work.
So in addition to allowing our children to make use of the moral teaching we’ve done, it’s important that they know we listen. They need to know that we don’t require them to obey simply because it’s convenient for us. They need to be able to walk themselves through that thought process in the same way we do when we give an instruction.
At the end of the day, however, obedience is still required.
Note: Don’t allow your child to reason with you until he is characterized by obedience. If you start this too soon, he’ll use it as a negotiation tactic with everything you ask, and will use it as an excuse not to obey.