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Archives for May 11, 2012
Give instructions only once
The Ezzos continually remind us to never repeat instructions to our children. There’s a fine line between reminding children of our expectations and nagging. When we nag, our children learn to ignore our word. And this is potentially one of the worst things that could happen to a parent.
The idea is so important, it is called out as Childwise Principle #12.
“Constantly reminding a child to do what is expected only means you have no expectation,” (On Becoming Childwise).
This is so true! Why shouldn’t our children obey the first time we give an instruction? When we set the expectation that they obey the first time, they are more likely to do so. This is especially true when we take the time to train our children in first-time obedience. Training them to say “yes, mommy” and give us eye contact are two very important steps in eliminating the need to constantly remind our children.
The effects of long-term reminders are far-reaching:
“What happens when the reminders aren’t repeated in successive sentences but over a period of hours, days, or weeks? No wonder the child doesn’t appropriate your instructions: there are no consequences for neglecting them, and anyway they’ll be repeated tomorrow so why remember today? At what point will you stop reminding?” (On Becoming Childwise).
It all comes down to accountability.
“When parents continue to instruct and remind their children how to behave after accountability training has been achieved, they are taking back ownership of a behavior that should no longer belong to them,” (On Becoming Childwise).
There are three very important ways you can eliminate the need to remind your child:
- Simply expect that your child will comply. Set the bar high, and he will rise to it.
- Get your “yes, mommy” and eye contact before giving an instruction.
- Maintain eye contact, even if you need to gently hold his chin, while you give an instruction.
If you do these three things, you will have no doubt that your child heard your instruction. And you can move on to appropriate consequences if he chooses to disobey.