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Timeouts in public
I have written several posts on how to do timeouts the Ezzo way, but it’s always tricky to discipline our kids in public. If you haven’t read those posts, please do so you understand the full intent behind timeouts and how to do them effectively. (Do a search for “timeouts” for more, click on the “timeout” tag at right, or see the related posts at the end of this post.) As with everything in Childwise parenting, every form of discipline needs to serve a purpose. We want to do more than punish our children. We discipline to teach them a lesson.
So what are we to do when we’re out in public? Having a child sit in isolation until he has a happy heart (however long that takes) just isn’t possible in public. Not disciplining at all in public isn’t an option either. Imagine the embarrassment. And we all know the pitfalls of being the yelling, threatening, repeating parent!
How to do a timeout in public
I am not the type of mom who will go to great lengths to leave my children at home when I run errands. I don’t have family nearby, my husband works long hours and has a terrible commute, and it’s just not practical to pay a sitter every time. So my kids usually go with me on errands. As you might imagine, this can create behavior problems. William, my eldest, just hates to be bored, so he will do whatever he can to interest his smarty-pants brain. Lucas, well, when he’s alone, he’s great. When he’s with his brother, forget it.
Correct in private; praise in public
In my last post, I explained the idea of doing your best to praise your child in public to prevent misbehavior. But I also explained that this isn’t always possible. What you must remember from this wonderful phrase, however, is to be as private as possible when correcting in public.
If I’m in the midst of shopping, I will find a spot for one or both kids, point to it, and quietly tell them, in my stern mommy voice, to sit. I usually look for a spot that has some sort of barrier. Against a wall or in a corner is great. A different colored spot in the tile or carpet works great. Sometimes there are open spaces on shelves right where I’m shopping. In a pinch, I have them sit right at my feet. The more private the spot, the better.
In places like Starbucks or other casual restaurants, I will find an empty chair in the corner and make them sit alone. In more formal restaurants, I will take them to the car or the restroom and have a chat with them in my stern mommy voice. The effect of me picking them up quickly and swiftly or pulling them by the hand while I walk fast will often send a shock to their little systems.
The rules
Timeouts in public have a different set of rules. At home, all you need to do is have them sit on their beds (and stay there) until the lesson has gotten through to them. In public, you must monitor their behavior (there are still people to consider around), and you don’t have the luxury of time. So in many ways, public timeout rules are more stringent.
Timeout rules for them:
- They may not move (Those micro-rebellers love to slide out of their designated spot inch by inch. Don’t allow it!)
- They may not speak or attempt to communicate with anyone (No humming or hand gestures!)
- They may not make faces or even eye contact with the other brother
- They must fold their hands and keep them folded until the timeout is over
The rules for me:
- I do my absolute best to ignore them
- I don’t make eye contact
- I don’t talk to them
- I continue with my shopping while keeping them in the corner of my eye
- If I’m done shopping in that area, I pretend I’m still shopping
When the timeout is over, we have our usual chat where they tell me what they did wrong, apologize with a complete sentence owning up to what they did (“I’m sorry I hit my brother” not just “I’m sorry”), I will say “I forgive you,” and we move on with hugs and kisses.
The length of the timeout will vary depending on the severity of the misbehavior, and frankly, whether you have the time to put your shopping on hold. It’s always best to take the time to address a child’s misbehaviors, but sometimes life just gets in the way.
If they break any of their rules, I will up the ante. I might tell them they will have a timeout at home, I won’t let them look in the toy section of the store, or they will lose some other privilege. If all else fails, I will simply leave the store. The more immediate and dramatic the consequence, the more effective it is. If their behavior is particularly bad, I will vow to myself to tighten the reigns over the next week or two at home.
In my next post, I will offer a public timeout technique that has worked really well for my boys. It’s often more practical, effective and long-lasting than the timeout I just described. Stay tuned!
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Shea says
What about a 2 year old?? I am dealing with her throwing a fit when she doesn’t get het way. Alivia just turned two and I want to get this under control now!! Any suggestions that she will clearly understand?
Maureen says
Hi Shea,
I think it would first help to understand that you aren’t just dealing with fits when she doesn’t get her way. You are dealing with attitude and first-time obedience issues. Yes, you need to teach her not to throw fits, but you also need to teach her to submit to your authority. This post on first-time obedience will get you started. While you work on FTO, be sure you are working on the fits at home before addressing them in public. It’s infinitely harder to address behaviors in public than at home. The second she starts to throw a fit, put her in her crib or a pack-n-play and follow all of the other timeout tips explained here and here. The key to working with little ones is to be super consistent. A fit is a fit. Discipline every single time and she will get it. Then once you have things under control at home, you can work on it in public.
Good luck!