5 Ways to Stay Motivated

May 9, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Source: kareywhite.blogspot.com

by Valerie Plowman

It isn’t always easy to be “on” as a mom. We have a lot of tasks and goals we want to meet for our children daily as well as in the “big picture,” and sometimes it gets exhausting! Sometimes we wonder if it is worth it to worry about independent play, first time obedience, learning time, and all of the other items on our list. So how do we keep up the motivation to go on and stick with our goals in the face of the craziness life throws at us? Here are five ideas to keep us going.

1. Look to Examples

Look to the examples around you. I always like to observe people with children older than my own to see what they do and what I like and what I don’t. I don’t mean this in a judging way–I don’t like the “mommy wars” of whose way is better than whose way. We all have our own priorities and goals. I like to observe what efforts produce the results I am looking for, and what efforts do not. I am looking for what I want for my family and trying to emulate those actions. I tweak them for our family and make them work for us. This idea of observation is discussed in On Becoming Childwise. See this post for more on that: Instilling Qualities: Observation.

2. Believe That You Will Miss It Some Day and Live in the Moment

Sometimes when the older women approach you in the store or at church and tell you how much you will miss these years so you better enjoy it, you really just want to punch them in the face hand off your kids and walk away and see how much they really do miss it. However, this is the comment I get most often from older women, so I really try to heed that advice to enjoy the moments. When something gets ruined, I try to think about how that mark on that book will always remind me of when so-and-so was young. When my freshly washed window has fingerprints and has been licked (WHY?!?!?), I try to remind myself that I will miss those prints and licks (so they say!). I try to enjoy it for what it is because apparently, someday I will miss it. See also Enjoy the Moment.

Along those same lines, I try to live in the moment. I don’t like to think, “I can’t wait until…[so-and-so is older, so-and-so masters this skill, etc.]. I just try to enjoy where everyone is for what they are at that moment. There will always been things you love and things you don’t love about each stage, so you have to just focus on what you enjoy rather than pining away for what you believe will surely be better in the future. See also It’s A Journey, Not A Destination

3. Simplify Where Possible

Simplify your life so you have the time and energy needed to do what is necessary. We can’t do it all, and when we try to do more than we can handle, we start to let important things slide. When we are too busy,we get tired, and when we get tired, we find it easier to let the child get her way than to correct her and require obedience. For more on this, see Days of Motherhood.  See also Good Sacrifice vs. Foolish Sacrifice. See also  Slow the Pace

4. Have Faith the Hard Work Will Pay Off

Day in and day out, you are taking small steps and working hard to make sure your child is being raised in the best way for your child. You remind your child over and over again to do a certain thing (say yes mommy, put shoes away, clean up after self…) and sometimes you wonder why you even bother. And is this much attention to the schedule that important? And why bother with bedtime and naps because life could be a bit less complicated if you weren’t worried about those things…

Have faith that your hard work will pay off. This brings us back to number one. Who are your positive examples? Their hard work paid off! This is something that gets easier with perspective. This is why having a fourth baby is less stressful than the first; you know the hard work pays off at some point. When you need a pep talk, look through my pep talks: Word to the Weary/Pep Talks Index

5. Take Breaks At Times

Sometimes, you need a change in the schedule. Sometimes, you as a mom need a girls’ night out. You need to take a break from the sharp focus of being a mom so you can see the big wide world, gain some perspective, and realize that everything will be okay. The world keeps spinning and your child refusing to sign at the end of the meal is not the end of the world.

Have time for yourself to develop your talents and to be you as an individual. See Developing Talents.

Sometimes you also need a break from the routine. Take a pajama day. Take a day to watch a movie as a family. Take the day off from your regular routine every once in a while. It will be a fun break, and when you return, everyone will be glad for it.

For more ideas in this area, see 10 Ways to Save Your Sanity.

Conclusion

Remember as you go along and things are hard, these hard times are what make us grow. Just like when you exercise, your muscles strengthen, when you practice managing time and efforts, you get better at it. See Increasing Our Capacity for more on that.

Valerie is a wife and mother of four, ages 7, 6, 4, and 9 months. She blogs at www.babywisemom.com.

Filed Under: prevention Tagged With: , , , ,

Are Babywise Kids Smarter?

March 25, 2013 by 1 Comment

Source: whizbit.com

It’s been a long-held belief that IQ is a static thing. A person tests at a certain IQ level and maintains that level for the rest of their lives. Many say IQ is genetic, and there’s not much we can do to influence it.

I’ve been reading a bit about brain training lately, and I’m convinced that IQ is not a static measure of intelligence. Our brains are living, breathing organs that grow over time. Our brains have the ability to adapt and reorganize neural pathways and even build brand new ones. These neural pathways form the basis of our cognitive skills. And our cognitive abilities, quantified by IQ tests, measure our ability to not only hold knowledge, but also to process information. So because the brain is always adapting and building, our cognitive skills, and our IQ, never stay the same. The brain’s ability to adapt and grow is called neuroplasticity. When our brains are characterized by plasticity, they are by definition malleable, elastic, flexible, and pliable.

I can personally attest to this idea of neuroplasticity. In college, I could almost feel my brain growing. I learned so much in such a short period of time. I was surrounded by people who were educating themselves and professors who were experts in their fields. I was challenged intellectually like never before (or since). And not only was I taking in and storing information, I was learning the skills to study and process information.

So if our brains are so malleable, it seems entirely possible that parenting plays a huge role in the development of a child’s brain. And if that’s the case, is it possible that Babywise kids are smarter?

Babywise Moms are Typically Type A

We Babywise moms are typically type A personalities. We like things to be in their place, and we think nothing of making the effort to actively teach our children. From what I see on message boards and in my “real life” Babywise friends, we actively engage with our children, read to them religiously, think critically about what we should be reading to them, engage their imaginations, teach them basic academics before they enter school, and supplement school if we see that it’s lacking. I know of no Babywise mom who thinks it’s okay to plop her child in front of the TV and think nothing of the child’s cognitive development.

We Teach Self-Control

Another reason I think Babywise kids might be smarter is that they’ve been taught self-control. If I had to choose between teaching my child early reading skills or teaching self-control before Kindergarten, self-control would be it. If a child has no self-control, he’s not going to be able to sit and learn. His mind and body will be so busy doing other things, things guided by his impulsive brain, that his learning ability will be diminished. So much of early learning is about form and structure. Teaching a child to work diligently is immensely valuable. The habits of learning form the foundation of all future learning. And since Babywise kids are raised on a routine and are taught the benefits of structure, they are much more likely to work diligently than the child who is left to his own devices.

Babywise Kids Get Lots of Sleep

Does anyone disagree that sleep affects the brain’s ability to process information? We all know how we feel when we haven’t had enough sleep. Unless we’re loaded up on coffee, we’re in a fog all day. This very idea is addressed in Growing Kids God’s Way:

“Children who have established healthy sleep habits are optimally awake and optimally alert to interact with their environment. Having observed a generation of these children now, we see some common threads among the school-age population. In classroom settings, I have consistently found these children to be more self-assured, happier, less demanding, more sociable, inspired, and motivated. They have longer attention spans and become faster learners because they are more adaptable. Mediocrity among this population is rare, while excellence is common,” (Growing Kids God’s Way, p. 253).

I love that the Ezzos describe these children as happier and more social. It’s not all about academics, folks. I don’t think the Ezzos would encourage us to give our kids 5 hours of homework every night for the sake of getting ahead. No amount of academic advancement is worth the risk of creating undue stress. In fact, when we push our kids too far too fast, we run the risk of burning them out. A child who’s burned out at age 10 may be academically ahead, but will it serve them well in the future? Will they even want to go to college? This says nothing of the effects on a child’s character when he believes he’s smarter than all of his peers.

It’s all about balance and priorities. And I think the Ezzos have it right in teaching Babywise moms to give our kids the skills and foundation to effectively learn. But they also place a huge priority on developing our kids’ moral foundation. In fact, they may even say that this moral foundation is more important than any skills that enable them to learn. But the two aren’t mutually exclusive.

If you are a Babywise mom, you can walk away from this post knowing that you’re giving your child the skills he needs to succeed in school. And not only can you trust that you’ve prepared him for school, but you can also trust that you’ve instilled important values that will serve him well in school and beyond.

Filed Under: education, first-time obedience, moral training Tagged With: , ,

Prevention: Lay a Foundation

February 22, 2013 by 1 Comment

Source: alivecu.coop

Earlier this week, I talked about the benefits of outdoor play and cultivating the imagination in our children. Both of these ideas speak to the heart of what it so important in training our children: laying a foundation. By laying a foundation for our kids and our parenting, we do more to prevent problems with our children than to deal with them after they occur.

A few weeks ago, I asked you all what you wanted to read more about. Many of you said you wanted to learn more about consequences. I feel like I’m shirking my duty in giving you what you need. But I also feel like you’ll have more success as a parent if you lay the right foundation. It’s better to do your work ahead of time and set your child up for success than it is to discipline a child after the fact.

I certainly relate, though. When I first got my hands on On Becoming Childwise, I skipped ahead to the chapters on discipline. I felt like I needed a fix and I needed it now! I felt like if I could just get my hands on the right discipline method (timeouts, logical consequences, etc.) I would have my answer. That was so short-sighted of me. If there is anything I’ve learned in my 8.5 years of parenting, it’s that there is no quick fix in parenting.

This idea is even a primary focus in my e-book. Before I get into the specifics of training our children in first-time obedience, we need to set the stage. We need to do all we can to avoid child-centered parenting (couch time), give them independent play, schedule their days, make sure they eat healthy meals and get quality sleep, and more.

This applies to everything we hope to accomplish with our children. It goes beyond behavior. So whether you’re hoping to improve table manners or wanting them to get ahead in school, it’s all about laying that foundation. We need to set an example and create an environment that allows them to succeed.

An example of this is giving our boys outside time. While our greatest desire for our child may be creating a piano prodigy, we need to recognize our kids’ needs and give them the things they will need to succeed. It’s only by giving them outside time that we can expect them to sit still at the piano for any length of time. It’s only be cultivating their imagination that we can inspire creativity. It’s only by scheduling their day that we make sure we have time for it all.

This idea of laying a foundation forms the basis of my parenting. I believe in it so much that it affects everything I do with my kids. If we’re having issues with my boys not listening, I won’t immediately blame them or come up with a discipline plan. I will think through whatever it is that I’m doing wrong in laying a foundation. Whenever we have struggles, rather than blame my kids or lecture them on it, I’ll reevaluate our schedule and find a renewed commitment to follow it. (Following a schedule is one of my weaknesses.)

The other wonderful benefit of laying a foundation is that it’s all under our control. We cannot physically control our kids, but we can use our authority to follow a schedule, make sure they are in bed on time, take them outside, do couch time, and more. Probably the biggest detriment in laying our foundation is believing that it’s important.

Look at it this way. Our society has gotten a little carried away with the idea that popping a pill will cure whatever ails us. Popping a pill is so much easier than changing our diets or exercising. But we all know deep down that diet and exercise are the only true ways to improving our health. The same holds true with our children. Perfecting your timeout routine or finding a new logical consequence is akin to popping a pill. Laying that foundation and setting the stage for success for our children — the equivalent of diet and exercise — ensures a healthy home and children who will live the lives we want most for them.

Filed Under: prevention Tagged With: , , , , ,

My Vaccine Story

February 6, 2013 by 6 Comments

Source: consciouslifenews.com

The AAP (American Association of Pediatrics) has just released a new vaccine schedule. It’s interesting that this should just come out because my own vaccine story had an interesting little development last week. Along with apparently 21% of the parent population, I choose to follow a delayed vaccine schedule with my kids. I follow a fairly natural lifestyle and diligently take my multivitamin, Vitamin D, and fish oils. When it comes to medication, I shy away from it as much as I can. In fact, both of my kids were born drug-free. Well, I had two small doses of an IV med with William, but no epidural with either of them.

Having given birth in a fairly natural setting, I learned that I didn’t necessarily need to give my kids that Hep B shot at birth. If I didn’t have it, they weren’t going to have it. That much was clear. Throughout William’s first year, for the most part, I listened to his doctor when she said which vaccines were recommended when. But she was also really good in helping me determine if I needed each and every shot at the time that the AAP recommended it. I had an inkling that I might wanted to follow my own schedule but I didn’t know where to start. I also knew that MMR (measles, mumps, rubella) was the one most commonly associated with problems, so I knew I was going to put that one off.

When William was a year old, I took him in for his well visit, and she told me about all the shots that were recommended for his age. I was a little bewildered by the fact that they wanted to pump all of this medication in my sweet child all at once. My sister’s kids came down with a case of whooping cough, and I knew it was bad news for babies, so I kept up with the DTaP vaccine. And while I had chicken pox as a kid, it wasn’t fun and I wanted to spare him the torture if I could. The doctor was also really adamant about polio since his own aunt suffered life-long trauma from it. So we left it at that. MMR was off the list…for the time being.

Well, just two weeks later, I heard in the news that an international traveler had brought measles to our area. A short 20-minute drive and a back luck encounter would have been bad news. So we headed back to the doctor for MMR.

Not long after, I happened to notice a little hiccup in William’s development. He stopped talking. He had been saying “mama” for about a month, starting at 11 months. Right around 12 months, at the same time he got the shots, he stopped talking altogether. I know there’s great debate about vaccines contributing to our Autism epidemic, and I’m still not sure how much stock I put into the idea, but I couldn’t help but make the connection. In fact, I feel lucky that I didn’t allow William to have all of those vaccines all at once. At least we waited the two weeks for MMR.

But here we were on this road to developmental delays. At about 18 months, William started getting speech therapy. And it wasn’t until he was about 2.5 that he started saying individual words, and then at age 3, he was speaking sentences.

Mind you, his SPD (sensory processing disorder) hadn’t yet been diagnosed and could have been a key player in his speech delay. The same holds true for his dairy allergy. I knew he didn’t tolerate dairy as a baby, but around a year old, I reintroduced it thinking that he had outgrown the allergy. (Little did I know that we rarely ever outgrow these things.) It’s entirely possible that it was a combination of all of these factors that contributed to his speech delay.

Soon after William turned 3, Lucas came along. I did my research and came up with a delayed schedule that I felt comfortable with. His doctor and I went over it, and while he disagreed with me (he’s a “by the book” doctor), there wasn’t much he could do to prevent me from following it. And we had much bigger things going on with Lucas, as he was admitted to the hospital at 2 months old with RSV and was subsequently diagnosed with asthma.

But as with William, I was preparing for the time when Lucas would hit a year old and we’d have to decide what to do about MMR. I spent countless time on the phone hunting down a pharmaceutical company that made the three vaccines (measles, mumps, and rubella) separately. Unfortunately, I had no luck. They had stopped making them separately.

Then when Lucas was about 13 or 14 months, we were exposed to the chicken pox. My sister had recognized it in her child after we had spent several days with them. Again, I didn’t want my child to have to suffer through the disease, so we rushed to the doctor and got the varicella vaccine. Apparently, it had done some good. Lucas suffered a very mild case of it, and luckily, he was well enough in time that we didn’t have to cancel our trip to New York!

After a change in doctors (and bad record-keeping), a visit to a naturopath, a mission to rid ourselves of food intolerances, and William’s SPD diagnosis, I became all the more fearful of vaccines. In fact, I learned that one of the symptoms of a food intolerances is red ears, and many times, when my kids were vaccinated, they walked away with bright red ears. There was something unnatural going on in their bodies, and it made me uncomfortable.

With William’s SPD diagnosis, I became all too aware of Autism, SPD, and all of the other afflictions that happen to children these days. With a year of speech therapy and 3.5 years of occupational therapy now, I am surrounded by it. Once a week, I get a glimpse into the world that exists for these children who don’t seem to have control over their bodies and their parents, some of whom seem to live life hanging by a thread.

Ultimately, my rule for vaccines became one of simplicity. It was merely this: I would allow one vaccine at a time (and discuss it with the physician, giving him great control over the decision) and that I would never vaccinate a child who showed signs of illness. If their immune system was already in overdrive and if vaccines were called into question by parents of kids with Autism, I was going to take a cautious route.

Well, it turns out that Lucas’ little life has been full of sickness. We were dealing with constant colds and tummy bugs (made worse by dairy), ear infections, fevers, asthma, and more. The child has never been healthy at his “well” visits. So his vaccines got pushed out. Always, in the back of my mind, was the idea that he had yet to receive MMR.

Now, as you might be able to tell, I’m not some dread-lock-wearing hippie who shuns all medical care and all vaccines. I eat organic food because it’s healthy. I got rid of our non-stick pans because of the chemicals that leach into our food. I did the same with all the plastic in my kitchen. So I choose to follow some natural lifestyle choices, but I always have a reason behind them. I didn’t unilaterally reject all vaccines. I know they are important, and there’s nothing more important to me than my children’s health. There just didn’t seem to be a driving force behind the MMR for Lucas.

This brings me to last week. A few days ago, I saw that our local newspaper posted on Facebook about a case of the measles in our county. And not only was it in our county, but the person who had contracted the disease frequented the same grocery store and Starbucks that we go to all time. This shopping center is within walking distance of my house, and it’s a nice little outing when we need to get out.

As you might imagine, I freaked out. The weight of my vaccine choices came crashing down on me in one fell swoop. Here I was with a child who could have been exposed to measles, and I could have had him vaccinated (while sick or otherwise), but hadn’t. The case of mommy guilt I had from giving birth to a second child with my husband in Kuwait paled in comparison to this vaccine doozy. And of course, I looked up the symptoms on the Internet (never a good idea) and was hit in the face with the word “encephalitis.”

The next morning, I had a doctor’s appointment for myself and brought my brood along with me. The minute we got there, I requested that Lucas get MMR. By this point, I had calmed down a bit and realized that we were never in the grocery store or Starbucks at the same time as the person with measles. It was close, but the grocery store is big, and the odds of him catching it hours later were slight. Nonetheless, he got the shot, even though he was sick. Of course, he was sick. But I couldn’t chance it. I figured, if anything, the shot might help reduce the significance of the illness, as it had done with the chicken pox, if he ended up getting it.

He spent the entire day after getting the shot sweating up a storm, apparently caused by a low-grade fever. But he tolerated the shot without incident. He’s still got a runny nose and a nasty cough, but I attribute that more to the cold and asthma than the shot.

William and I also got a couple shots. I was vaccinated against whooping cough since it’s going around, and William needed a second dose of MMR.

I also walked away from the experience with a renewed determination to get my kids caught up on their vaccines. I have printed out the AAP’s new schedule and I’ll compare it to their records to come up with a plan. Besides, now that they’re older, I feel like there’s very little chance that my kids will become Autistic.

So there you have it: my long, meandering vaccine story. I tell this not to influence you in any way about vaccines. I think everybody needs to make these choices for themselves, but I do think every parent should make a conscious, educated choice about vaccines. Perhaps you can learn a bit from my story.

Filed Under: miscellaneous, Uncategorized Tagged With:

How to Manage Screen Time

February 4, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Lucas with remote, age 2

Lucas with remote, age 2

We all know that we are supposed to limit our kids’ screen time, right? Whether it’s TV, video games, the iPad, or our smartphones, a screen is a screen. It can be so nice after a long day to let our kids veg out in front of a screen and give us some much-needed quiet. But while we’re enjoying that quiet, we know deep down that our kids’ brains are rotting from the inside out!

So what are we to do to manage their screen time? Some would say we should eliminate screens altogether. I know of a couple families who have lived without a TV. I commend them for living a TV-free lifestyle. But ultimately, I think depriving our kids completely does more harm than good. When they hear friends talk about their favorite TV shows or hear about the latest Angry Birds app, these kids will feel like social pariahs. Not only that, but when they are finally introduced to TV and all its flashy goodness, they’ll want nothing to do with their former TV-free existence. As with anything in life, when we feel deprived of something (TV, food, etc.), we want it all the more.

For those of us who do have TVs, computers, and mobile devices in our homes, we are called upon to actively manage our kids’ exposure. (That TV-free life sounds kinda good in comparison.) But knowing that we don’t want to deprive them completely or let their brains rot, our only choice is to manage.

Fortunately for you, I seem to have found the answer to managing screen time: trade time.

By trade time, I mean that we trade our kids for the time they spend in front of a screen. I started this recently and it’s working wonderfully. I require my kids to earn minutes. For every minute they earn, they can spend it in front of a screen. Here’s the key to trading time: to earn minutes, they have to do something I want them to do. And when I think about how I want them to spend time that is completely different from zoning out in front of a screen, it involves reading!

Sometimes my kids will earn minutes by finishing their school work early or by having a good attitude. But mostly, they earn minutes by reading. Lucas is still learning to read, so I simply require him to leaf through a book. Any book is fine, and oddly enough, he will sometimes choose chapter books. My only requirement is that he tell me that he wants to earn minutes so I can time him. We have a simple digital timer that I use to track his time.

William is a fairly advanced reader, but he will still choose comic books and magazines over chapter books. But to earn screen time, this doesn’t cut it. He has to read a chapter book. I bought him a bookmark that has a digital timer attached, so he can easily track his own time. I know he would never lie to me about it, so I let him track his own time.

The beauty of this plan is that it puts all the power of screen time in their hands. If William has only 5 minutes, he will choose to read for another 25 before he asks for a device. And they get a sense for how time can fly when you’re in front of a screen, a skill that many adults haven’t mastered.

The other wonderful benefit is that they seem to spend much less time in front of a screen. They can make the choice to read and earn time or simply play with Legos or some other toy. It’s all up to them, and I’ve learned that sometimes Legos are just as attractive as screen time.

And one final benefit of this plan: no nagging required!

I can even get them to do their more difficult chores before I allow screen time. They will come to me with the number of minutes they have earned, and I will allow them to have their screen time. But before I do, I make a quick request for them to put away a few toys, empty the dishwasher, or any other quick chore. They do it without complaint since they know that device (usually my iPhone or iPad) is calling their name.

I will admit, there are still times that I allow screen time simply because I need the quiet. But I make the clear distinction when the TV is on for my benefit or theirs. If it’s for my benefit, they don’t have to earn minutes. I just use caution and don’t do this very often.

Filed Under: moral training, prevention, Uncategorized Tagged With: ,

Picky Eaters

January 21, 2013 by 3 Comments

William eating sushi

William eating sushi

Do you have a picky eater? If you’re unsure, you don’t. Those of us who have picky eaters cannot deny that we do. There’s no question. Raising a picky eater is no easy task. But as with many things in parenting, it comes down to training.

Lucas is my picky eater. William is decidedly not a picky eater. At the right are a couple pictures of William eating food that many picky eaters wouldn’t even consider touching (sushi and steak salad). I’m thankful that he’s not picky because he’s my child who has the most food issues. He has a slew of food intolerances and blood sugar instability that might be diagnosed as hypoglycemia. With his restrictions, he cannot live on pasta and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches like many picky eaters do.

William eating steak salad

William eating steak salad

I’m lucky that my youngest is my picky eater. William has taught me that kids can eat a wide variety of foods. I was a picky eater as a kid, and my mom would typically make me new food when I refused to eat. So I’m sure if my oldest was a picky eater, I would have done the same. But after seeing William eat everything from broccoli to lentil soup, I knew that Lucas was perfectly capable of eating these foods, too.

I remember when Lucas was still sitting in a high chair, I always made it a point to put a green vegetable on his tray. At first, I didn’t ask him to eat it. I just wanted him to see it. Most days, he would move it away and put it in the tray’s cup holder. He wasn’t shy about the fact that he had no intentions of eating it. But I kept putting it there, day after day. Whatever green veggie we were eating, I put one small piece on his tray. We ate spinach salad quite a bit back then, so I usually put one small leaf. Well, my plan worked. After time, he decided that it wasn’t so scary after all. He eventually started taking small bites, and years later, he’s now to the point where he’ll happily eat a whole serving of green vegetables.

Some might say that given this experience Lucas isn’t truly a picky eater. I do believe that picky eaters are born, not made. I recognized this the first time Lucas would take in a bite of a casserole and filter out the meat so he could spit it out. But I also believe that parents have the power to change their kids’ picky eating habits. We don’t need to simply throw up our hands and say there’s nothing we can do.

There’s also something to be said about food intolerances and picky eating. Typically, when we have a food intolerance, we tend to crave that food. So if a child doesn’t tolerate wheat, she may want to eat nothing but pasta and bread. It sounds counterintuitive, but when we don’t tolerate a food, it creates an opiate effect in the brain. It’s a drug! If a child eats a food that doesn’t feed that opiate craving, they want nothing to do with it. They will get to the point where they’ll eat nothing but the foods they crave. I’ve had a few friends who I’ve described this to, and a couple were completely fearful of the idea of eliminating the food the child craves. They said that the child would eat nothing! Kids are smart. They won’t starve themselves. I have one friend who heard my advice, and after eliminating wheat, her daughter got so healthy and made great strides in social and physical development.

The other reason I believe that parents can change their picky eaters is that many kids often decide to stop being so picky because they see that their siblings eat well. I have a friend whose oldest is a picky eater. After little sister came along and showed her brother that she could eat well and there was nothing scary about it, he got better.

If you have a picky eater, I have a few words of advice:

1) Your first goal should be to not make special food. Always feed the child something you know he will like (e.g., plain rice along with the chicken he doesn’t like), but never make a new meal. The child should eat what the family eats. With the one food you know he will eat, he won’t starve.

2) Eat together as a family. If he sees that everyone he knows and loves eats this food, he’ll be more inclined to eat.

3) With foods that the child finds particularly distasteful, simply put them on his plate day after day, but don’t require him to eat. Encourage him, but don’t require him.

4) Limit the child’s liquid intake before a meal. Lucas used to fill up on milk or water to avoid having to eat what we were serving.

5) Use dips to your advantage. Kids like to dip, and if ketchup helps cover up the taste, so be it. Let him.

6) While you’re working on his picky habits, talk to his doctor about nutrients. Find out if you need to supplement calcium or any other vitamin.

7) Don’t tell other people, within the child’s earshot, that he’s a picky eater. The more you validate it, the more he’ll live up to the label. Convince him that he’s capable of eating any food.

So trust that all hope is not lost with picky eaters. Train your child to eat well in the same way that you would teach him to read. Take it slowly and be patient. Every child is capable of breaking habits, which is exactly what picky eating is. Help him overcome his picky eating ways, and he’ll thank you for it when he’s an adult.

I’d love to hear from you if you have a picky eater. Have you found any other tactics that work?

Filed Under: parenting Tagged With: , ,

Sibling and Gender Relationships

January 10, 2013 by 1 Comment

Source: Thomaslife

By Bethany Lynch, The Graceful Mom

My husband grew up with an older brother. I have step-siblings but grew up mostly with a younger brother. Now my husband and I have a son and daughter.  We all have very different opinions and takes on the advantages and disadvantages to our sibling relationships. I find birth order and gender relationships very intriguing. My favorite book on this topic is The Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are by Kevin Leman, a great author for all things from discipline to potty training to spicing up your marriage. According to Dr. Leman, most comedians are the youngest children in their families, and 21 out of the first 23 astronauts on the moon were first-born children. (The other two were only children). His book is unique in that he discusses many other variables than just nominal birth order.

Although not specific to parents following the Babywise series, I find that it is all too easy for us to make excuses based on the gender of our children. We focus on schedules, independent play, even first-time obedience but we don’t always think twice about saying, “Well, he is just being a boy!” Yes, there are strong gender differences and traits. Yes, I really do think birth order and spacing can explain some of our personality traits, but the last thing I think we should do is overlook behavior predominantly because it is typical for that gender. On the other hand, I think we also have to be very careful not to define our children by their birth order nor try to treat them all the same.

Let me give you an example. My son has extremely typical traits of a first-born. Perfectionist, achiever, articulate, logical, scholarly. Add in that his primary love language is words of affirmation. Bathing the two kids together was becoming a nightmare. There were more fights the second I turned my back or sometimes before they could even climb in the tub. We came down hardest on our son…he’s the oldest, he should know better, he should treat his sister better. It turns out, she was the one picking a fight with him. She had learned we would start with him and criticize him first. We have also learned how harshly he takes criticism. Taking him aside and talking to him away from the heat of the moment is so important. It often takes 4-5 kind words of praise to undo 1 harsh phrase of criticism.

On the flip side, our daughter is quite emotional with feelings dripping off her sleeves. She cries when she is tired, when she wakes up, when she first sits down for snack, when she doesn’t like the snack choice, when you look at her funny, and so forth. It has been quite a new adventure for my husband who is still learning female nuances after 10 years of marriage. Consoling her is a fine line. There are times where I see the look in her eyes and know immediately that she just needs a hug…and to cry. There are times when the crying is so ridiculous and out of control that she needs firm love and direction to pull herself together. She is a girl and needs to be approached in a specific manner; however, we will not, nor have not, changed the way we handle temper tantrums or sour attitudes “just because she is a girl.”

It has also been fun to watch the dynamics between a sister and brother. While I am used to some of the differences in growing up with a sibling of a different gender, I was the typical first-born and my baby brother was the youngest. I still give him a hard time for all of the times I remember taking the heat for being old enough to know better when really he had gotten away with something! It is an easy trap to miss. It is a little more confusing when you have to add gender differences to the sibling order. All the same, there are some general rules that I think fall in line with the -wise mentality.

  1. Boys do need a lot of physical time to use their energy, even to wrestle. They also need to know the boundaries between appropriate hard play and out of control roughhousing. Practice, practice, practice.
  2. Boys often need more preparation to sit still and focus on topics other than their favorite subject.
  3. Boys need to learn how to treat mommies, sisters, and other girls. Have your son practice serving his sister first at supper. I fully believe boys should learn courtesy at home first.
  4. Boys also need ways to learn how to handle their anger. There is nothing like watching a boy go from zero to sixty, revved up, swinging, and looking for something to knock down. Teach your son that it is okay to be angry but he needs to find words to express that and other ways to let the steam off. Even if it comes down to giving him a pillow he can squeeze or punch, it is way better than him raging so out of control he hurts someone else, himself, or breaks something. We’ve even had to practice how to handle being hurt. His first tendency is to jump up and down, and he’s had to learn the hard way that he will hurt himself even worse.
  5. Girls do need to cry…a lot sometimes. Not all, but practicing how to gain control over emotions with daughters is usually very different than sons. I find our son to be very angry but logical if he is upset. Our daughter is just hysterical, in pieces, over something we would consider trivial. Teaching her how to regain control of herself and calm down has been a monumental task some days.
  6. Girls need to find beauty on the inside…and this absolutely has to start at home. While pretend play is excellent and extremely important, make sure she hears how beautiful she is even when she is not dressed up as a princess.
  7. Look for natural tendencies in your children, whether it is gender related or birth order related or neither. There are times I have allowed one child to stay inside and read because that is one of her most favorite activities in life. There are times I have bathed one child because the other does not find it nearly as relaxing or therapeutic. There are also times where the instruction/rule was that it was bath night–no exceptions. While our “rules” are the same, we still allow a lot of time for each child to be an individual.
  8. Things that I believe should not be exceptions because of gender are hitting, kicking, temper tantrums, screaming, rudeness. All of these seem obvious but in the actual situation make sure that you have an exit strategy already planned. By that I mean, know the planned consequence and carry it out even if you think the behavior was natural for a boy or girl in that situation.
  9. Things that I believe should be be exceptions because of birth order are always coming down harder on an older child “just because” they are older. Teach them responsibility and rules, not exceptions based on a younger age. Do not overlook younger age because “they might not understand.” As a mother of a VERY cognitively-smart but speech-delayed child, do not ever underestimate all that they might understand. Keep the rules and expectations the same even if you have to modify explanation or approach.

Bethany blogs at The Graceful Mom about life as a working mom outside of the home and adores coming home to her husband and children, ages 5 and 3.

Filed Under: miscellaneous Tagged With: ,

Best of Childwise Chat: Moving to one nap a day

December 24, 2012 by 2 Comments

I’m taking time off from blogging for the holidays, so this week I’ll be sharing the best of Childwise Chat. These are the most popular posts of all time. Enjoy and have a fantastic Christmas!

Originally posted January 10, 2011

I don’t usually use this blog as a forum to give advice on naps and specific schedule items, but I see this one come up so often, I thought I would address it here. When our children drop the morning nap, it marks a shift in the child’s development. Dropping the morning nap is a big milestone in the lives of many parents of toddlers. Yet it’s almost one of the most frustrating. Many Babywise parents don’t know how to drop the nap without affecting baby’s sleep too terribly.

Here’s how the situation typically plays out. Baby is napping well and is able to overcome teething and various disruptions without too much trouble. For the most part, things have been going well for quite some time. Then suddenly, baby stops falling asleep for his afternoon nap. He’ll play in his crib for the whole nap, or he’ll go down fine but wake up after just 45 minutes. Mom gives it a day or two before deciding that something is going wrong. She knows that baby needs his afternoon nap and he seems to nap so well in the morning that she’s a little dumbfounded.

It’s true, these babies would nap a couple hours every morning if left to their own devices. But mom knows that there’s no way baby can go from late morning until bedtime without turning into a monster. The afternoon nap must be saved!

Before I give you my advice on dropping a nap, let me explain how I would not do it.

Don’t #1: Get out in the morning

Some say that the best way to preserve the afternoon nap is to cut out the morning nap entirely, cold turkey. To avoid a cranky baby in the morning, you should go out. Run errands. Take baby to story time at the library. Whatever. Just get out. It’s true, that getting out will help keep baby alert enough that he won’t get as cranky as he would at home. But still, it deprives the child of sleep.

Don’t #2: Every other day

Another approach is to allow baby to have a morning nap every other day. It’s true that this could help baby drop the morning nap, but the problem is it still deprives the child of sleep. By allowing him the nap every other day, you are depriving him of sleep and then letting him catch up on sleep on the days you allow it. His sleep is not on an even keel. The other problem with this approach is that it’s still likely that baby will not nap well in the afternoon on the days he takes a morning nap.

Don’t #3: Early bedtime

One idea to drop the nap is to let baby nap in the mornings and then do an earlier bedtime to compensate for the lack of sleep in the afternoon. Mom gradually moves the morning nap later and later while doing an early bedtime. Eventually, the morning nap becomes an afternoon nap. There are two problems with this approach. First, mom is messing with both naps and bedtime. There’s no need to mess with bedtime (if you’ll finish reading this post). Second, baby is still cranky and overtired until the transition process is complete.

My advice: Shorten the morning nap

When you’re sure that baby is ready to drop the morning nap and that the afternoon nap disruptions aren’t due to anything else (noise, teething, etc.), start shortening the morning nap. For this approach to work, it’s important to know your baby’s optimal wake time. When I did this with Lucas, his wake time was 2 hours. I realize that not all babies can go to sleep after just 2 hours, which is fine. The key is knowing what your baby’s optimal wake time is. It’s different for every child.

Before his afternoon nap disruptions, Lucas would usually nap for 1.5 hours in the morning and 2 hours in the afternoon. When I knew that nothing else was causing the problem, I started waking him up after one hour of sleep in the morning. I would allow him his usual wake time of 2 hours and then put him down for his afternoon nap. This meant that his afternoon nap started 30 minutes earlier, but it worked because he was still getting used to a shorter morning nap.

I continued allowing him a one-hour morning nap until his afternoon nap was again being disrupted in some way. I let him tell me when he was ready to shorten the nap even more. So then I started waking him up after 45 minutes. Again, I would put him down after 2 hours of wake time. Throughout the transition, I would let him sleep as long as he wanted to in the afternoon and I never messed with his bedtime.

After a few months of a 45-minute morning nap, we reduced it to 30 minutes. After a few months of that, we ended up going on vacation and it was the perfect time to drop the morning nap altogether. If we were home, I might have allowed a 20-minute catnap, but it also became apparent to me that he would have done fine without the morning nap entirely.

Bear in mind, this is not the fastest way to drop the morning nap. We started shortening the morning nap when Lucas was about 14 months old. He didn’t drop it entirely until he was almost 23 months old. Did I mind? Not in the least. Would I have minded a cranky baby all morning or afternoon? For sure. Would I have minded difficult bedtimes due to an overtired baby? Of course.

This gradual approach ensures that baby still gets the sleep he needs while allowing for an easy transition to drop the nap.

Schedule examples

To spell it out more clearly, here’s how our schedule looked during the transition.

Transition months 1-3

Morning nap: 10:00-11:00

Afternoon nap: 1:00-3:00-ish

Night sleep: 7:00pm-8:00am

Transition months 4-6

Morning nap: 10:00-10:45

Afternoon nap: 12:45-2:45-ish

Night sleep: 7:00pm-8:00am

Transition months 7-9

Morning nap: 10:00-10:30

Afternoon nap: 12:30-2:30-ish

Night sleep: 7:00pm-8:00am

You’ll recognize that the time between Lucas’ afternoon nap and bedtime got longer and longer. He handled this well. I realize, however, that some might not. The alternative is to keep the afternoon nap at the same time regardless of the child’s optimal wake time. There is something to be said for babies who are used to falling asleep at the same time every afternoon no matter how the long the morning nap was.

Finally, be sure baby is waking up at the same time every morning. No matter the method, the nap transition will not go well at all if you allow baby to sleep in every morning to compensate for a lack of sleep. The afternoon nap is where you will allow him to sleep as long as he needs.

Questions?

Filed Under: prevention Tagged With: ,

Forgive Yourself

December 20, 2012 by Leave a Comment

Source: www.washingtonparent.com

By Valerie Plowman, www.babywisemom.com

If you are a reader of this blog, I think I can safely assume that you are a parent who is actively invested in trying to do everything “right” — right according to your own judgement and discernment. Of course, we often are faced with situations as parents where we don’t necessasrily know what “right” is in the context of our situation. We have to make a judgement call in the moment.

Because we are humans, there will invariably be times when we make the wrong call. In our 20/20 hindsight we look back and see the choice we made was not the “right” one. We should have acted differently in the situation. We should have chosen a different consequence. We should have responded a different way. We made a mistake.

This retrospective analyzing happens quite often as parents, and I find for myself it happens most often with my oldest child (seven years old). With him, I am always a first-time parent. I am always facing situations for the first time with him. Because of this, I make the most mistakes with him. I have the most “ooopps–that wasn’t the best option” moments. I think we all know what those moments are like.

And this leads me to the message of my post. Forgive yourself. Yes, you make mistakes. You need to move past them. Learn what you can, apologize if needed (it isn’t always), forgive yourself, and put it behind you. Don’t stress about it! Children are resilient. Children are incredibly forgiving. Children can and will survive the many mistakes we make as parents (now, this is of course referring to normal, everyday mistakes parents make).

Don’t let fear of mistakes paralyze you. Do what you think is best at the moment. If you find that wasn’t best, learn from it and tweak your strategy for the next time. When you make a mistake, it isn’t as though you are thinking to yourself, “Ha ha! I am going to do XYZ because that will really take things in the wrong direction!” No! You are thinking, “I am going to do XYZ because I think that is best for my child.” If you find it wasn’t, offer yourself grace and take the lesson learned, act on it, and move forward. Your child will learn from your mistakes as well — it is a great gift for your child to see that you are not perfect and that mistakes are a normal part of life. Your children will forgive you, and you should, too.

Valerie is the mother of four (7, 5, 3, and 4 months) and blogs at www.babywisemom.com.

Filed Under: parenting Tagged With:

The Morning Rush

December 5, 2012 by Leave a Comment

Source: homeschoolcreations.net

Do you have kids in school? If so, you know all about the morning rush. For many, it’s the most dreaded time of day. Honestly, the morning rush was a factor in my decision to homeschool my boys. When William was in preschool, I deliberately chose to send him to the afternoon session to avoid the morning rush. And then he started full-day kindergarten. So we had a full two years to figure out our morning routine, and I can honestly say we never fell into a good groove.

If I had it to do all over again, here’s what I would do:

Get up and get showered before the kids wake up

This is a tough one since I’m such a night owl and really value my sleep. And waking up in the dark is always difficult. But what’s 30 minutes if it makes for a smooth morning? My shower is the thing that makes me feel like I can face the world. If it’s a cup of coffee or just some peace and quiet with your morning paper, take that time for yourself before the kids get up.

Figure out what wakes your child up

Our kids are like us in many ways. If we need a shower, a cup of coffee, or some alone-time with the newspaper to face the day, our kids likely need their own version of a wake-up activity. Allow your child to do whatever it is that he needs to face the day. Lucas always needs his morning snuggles. William likes to play with Legos or draw. It’s no fun if every morning is rush, rush, rush. Allow them some downtime before you walk out the door.

Get ready the night before

My kids always showered at night, and I usually packed lunches the night before, but I’m sure there’s more I could have done to get ready for the morning rush. I could have laid out their clothes, put their shoes (and socks!) by the door, had extra toothbrushes in the downstairs bathroom, made sure their coats were accessible, and made sure their backpacks were packed and by the door.

Make sure everybody gets enough sleep

Kids in elementary school should get about 10-12 hours of sleep, on average. That means, if you’re up at 6:00am, your child should be in bed no later than 8:00pm. Little kids tend to wake up early, so if you’re having to drag them out of bed, it’s likely they’re not getting enough sleep.

Make a chart

Most kids are visual. You can give them tasks orally until you’re blue in the face, and it still doesn’t get done. But if you give them a visual chart, they’ll be more likely to get all of their morning tasks done…and done quickly. I’ve used task cards for bedtime. I lay them out and they can follow them in whatever order they like. Then as they finish each one, they turn the card over. A checklist works just as well. Here’s a link to some free printable chore cards. For durability, take the file to your local office supply store to have them printed on cardstock and laminated.

Give them motivation

Let’s face it, when kids don’t want to go to school and don’t want to leave the warm, cozy house, it can be difficult to get them moving. The more they dislike school, the harder your mornings will be. There may not be much you can change about school, but you can motivate him to get moving. Put marbles in a jar for every task completed quickly, and go out for ice cream when the jar is full. Or give a penny or two for every task done. Stickers can also work well. It all depends on what excites and motivates your child. We’ve been doing pennies for school tasks, and we all love it! They are motivated to do their work, and it’s a lesson in itself since they have to count their money and understand what they can buy with it. One thing a wise teacher friend told me is that it’s important to switch up your reward system regularly. They always get stale, and a new system will create excitement.

Decide what matters most

Make sure you prioritize your morning activities. If you’re spending 30 minutes making sure your daughter’s hair is perfect but not giving your son his necessary morning snuggles, your priorities are a little off. Nobody’s going to notice if the ponytail is a little off center or if the socks don’t match. But your child will notice if you don’t feed his love language in some way every morning.

Vow not to nag

Nagging, yelling, screaming, and threatening have no place in the morning routine. And trust me, I know how easy it is to nag and yell. I have realized, however, that I can simply choose not to nag and yell. And guess what, it works! Attitude is a choice. You can choose to yell and have grumpy kids as a result. Or you can choose to be happy and have a happy start to your day. It makes a huge difference for everyone. You know the old saying, “Happy wife, happy life.” Well, I think this applies to our kids, too. “Happy mom, happy kids!”

Take a mental health day

If you’re having one of those mornings where it’s cold and blustery outside, and nobody wants to leave the house, take a mental health day! Let the kids stay home from school. Get a fire going in the fireplace, read your favorite books, crawl back into bed, eat soup on TV trays, put some cookies in the oven. Do your favorite things, and cherish that time with the kids. You can always email the teacher and ask her to send in whatever work needs to be completed.

How are your mornings? Do you have any tricks that have saved your sanity?

Filed Under: education, prevention Tagged With: , ,
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