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Best of Childwise Chat: Allow children to be second-best and good enough
I’m taking time off from blogging for the holidays, so this week I’ll be sharing the best of Childwise Chat. These are the most popular posts of all time. Enjoy and have a fantastic Christmas!
Originally posted February 20, 2012
There are some parents in this world who, in an effort to bolster the self-esteem, praise the child for being great. They give the child opportunities to do great things, and make a point to tell the children how great they are. Ensuring the child is first and best is their focus.
While I’m all for having a strong self-esteem, I don’t think our parenting should be centered on it. In fact, rather than ensuring our children are first and great, we should give them ample opportunity to be second-best and good enough.
Many of today’s sporting events aren’t scored and every child receives a trophy. Lest any child’s self-esteem be hurt by losing, these parents teach that win or lose, you’re still great.
Also think about the parents who insist on their child being first and best. They might argue with a teacher on a “B” grade even when the work doesn’t reflect “A” effort. They hire a private coach so the child can be first and best in a particular sport. Or they hire a professional tutor, not for a remedial child, but so the child can be better and smarter than his peers. The playing field is anything but level.
Imagine the attitude issues that come from being first and great:
- Boastful pride
- Thinking you’re better than everyone else
- Teasing others for not being as great
- Winning is everything, no matter how it affects others around you
Alternatively, being second-best and good enough teaches the child that:
- A humble attitude is better than a boastful one
- He does not walk on water
- Second-rate effort earns second-rate grades
- Considering others is more important than winning
- Coping with loss is a skill to be learned
Consider how you might react when your child comes in second or is only good enough (not great). Will you complain to those in authority, or will you be honest with the child and tell him that he didn’t do his best? If he loses a T-ball game, will you run out and hire a professional coach? Or will you practice with him at home, teaching him the value of practice and hard work? Better yet, will you teach him the emotional skills that are required to cope with the loss?
With your little ones, think about ways that you can ensure the child doesn’t always win. If you’re playing a board game, don’t throw it every time. If you’re racing down the street, only let him win in his own right.
Throughout your parenting years, allow your child to lose. Yes, we always want the best for them. But being first and great isn’t always what’s best. The more you allow a child to lose, the better he’ll be able to cope with losing as an adult and the more he’ll learn the value of giving honest effort.
Christmas Role-Playing
It’s a busy time of year! Shopping: done! Wrapping: done! Cookies: baked! Christmas cards: stamped and mailed! Role-playing: huh?!
Yes, add Christmas role-playing to your list. We work with our children all year on cultivating a generous and grateful spirit. Children make Christmas fun and special, but they can make us cringe when we think of how they might react when receiving gifts on Christmas morning. Will he say “thank you” for every gift? Will he even acknowledge the giver? Will he stop to express sincere gratitude before moving on to the next gift?
Ultimately, will the child express an understanding of the value of giving and receiving? Does he know that Christmas is about much more than receiving gifts?
If you’re unsure, now is the time to work with your child. Take the time to do some role-playing for Christmas morning. Sit around the Christmas tree, and pass make-believe gifts around to each other. Have a parent go first, and display an ungrateful, greedy spirit. Go over the top with it. Make it funny to make it memorable. Then go to your next “gift” and show your child what it looks like to be grateful. Then let the children show gratitude with their make-believe gifts.
Teach your children to say more than just “thank you.” Teach them to look into the eyes of the giver (of course making sure they know who the giver is before the gift is opened), and have them say something like, “I’ve always wanted this!” Teach them that saying something special will make the giver feel good.
After all, this is what’s most important when it comes to giving and receiving gifts. We want to make the people who give us gifts feel good for doing so. We want to express gratitude for the fact that they went out of their way to buy us a gift, no matter how expected it is.
In addition to role-playing, have a back-up plan. Teach your children the sign language sign for “thank you.” It’s simple. You hold your fingers together, touch them to your chin and pull them forward. It’s as if you’re blowing a kiss, just from your chin. Then, when your child opens a gift and forgets to say “thank you,” you can stand behind the giver and quietly do the sign to remind your child to express his thanks.
Merry Christmas!
It Starts at Home
I feel compelled to discuss the horrible tragedy that our world experienced three days ago in Newtown, Conn. Words cannot express the deep sadness I feel for the families who lost their loved ones in that senseless crime. No parent should ever experience the loss of a child. The horror that those children experienced is too real, and it hits home since the kindergartners who lost their lives were just one year older than Lucas, and two years younger than William.
A day after the tragedy, I mentioned on Facebook that I intended to take away my boys’ Lego guns and all video games that aren’t completely innocent. Honestly, I’m a little shocked by the comments I received. Apparently, there is passion about this “gun control” debate. There were more of my friends who disagreed with me than agreed. I just can’t fathom the need for guns–even toy ones–in the home. In fact, I’ve read that accidents involving guns happen more frequently when guns are in the home. And with this tragedy in mind, would the victims have benefited–as was suggested by one of my friends–from having guns themselves? I suppose it’s possible, but I shudder to imagine a world where guns are needed in the classroom.
I understand that boys will be boys. There’s something inborn that drives a two-year-old boy who has never seen a gun to pick up a stick and start “shooting” with it. My boys have done this. My Facebook friends mentioned this as a reason for not taking away Lego guns and video games. I’m sorry, but this doesn’t hold up for me. A stick requires a boy’s imagination. My boys’ Lego guns, though miniature, look very realistic. I’d rather compel my boys to imagine what a gun would look and feel like than to have the idea defined for them.
With a husband in the military, I certainly understand that weapons are necessary to protect our nation’s freedom. However, I see no connection to the need for guns in the home. If we have military and police to protect us, and if we could potentially cause harm with a gun, why not let the professionals keep them? And don’t even try to convince me of the need for guns for hunting. At the risk of offending anyone, to kill innocent animals for sport sickens me.
It’s become very clear that the Newtown shooter had mental health issues. I understand that this idea probably deserves more attention than any gun control debate, but I still contend that if guns weren’t around, the tragedy might not have happened.
This leads me to my second concern: video games. It’s entirely possible that video games, especially realistic, first-person shooter games, cause a form of mental illness in their own right. Just two weeks ago, I came across an article that discusses the effect of video games on the developing brain. It says that video games can impede a child’s or teen’s ability to control anger. Video games, the article says, create violence. The frontal lobe of the brain isn’t fully developed until the late teens or early twenties, so while an older teen make look and act like an adult, the brain is still immature.
Here’s a quote from the article:
“Most worrying of all was that the frontal lobe, which continues to develop in humans until the age of about 20, also has an important role to play in keeping an individual’s behaviour in check.
Whenever you use self-control to refrain from lashing out or doing something you should not, the frontal lobe is hard at work.
Children often do things they shouldn’t because their frontal lobes are underdeveloped. The more work done to thicken the fibres connecting the neurons in this part of the brain, the better the child’s ability will be to control their behaviour. The more this area is stimulated, the more these fibres will thicken.
The students who played computer games were halting the process of brain development and affecting their ability to control potentially anti-social elements of their behaviour.
‘The importance of this discovery cannot be underestimated,’ Kawashima told The Observer.”
Powerful words. This is why I say that it all starts at home. While there’s not much I can do for society when it comes to mental illness, I certainly can reduce the risk that my own children will be driven to violence. It reminds me of a quote that I’ve seen on Facebook. It says, “Don’t worry so much about the planet you leave to your children. Worry about the children you leave to the planet.”
In our every-child-gets-a-trophy generation, parents seem to be afraid to do anything that might upset a child. And when video games create some quiet in the home, many parents allow free access to them, causing an addiction of sorts in the child. When a child is addicted, taking the games away causes that much more fear and panic in the parent. Taking it a step further, if a child has been allowed free access to video games–especially violent ones–and if the evidence presented in the above article is true, then it’s entirely possible that the child would act violently toward the parent who takes the games away.
It’s for these reasons and more that I’m taking action in my home today. It’s one small thing I can do to honor those who lost their lives that fateful day. My boys certainly have no need for their Lego guns or video games. (While I’ve always had an issue with toy weapons, these things have slowly made their way into my home.) When I explained to William–in very vague terms–what happened in Newtown, he understood and agreed that it would be good to take the guns away. While Star Wars has been a recent obsession, he volunteered the idea that he could just play with his Lego City Legos. I’m really proud of him for this.
I haven’t yet discussed the video game concern with my boys, and I suspect I might meet some disagreement there. But it wasn’t long ago that I put their “violent” games (Lego Star Wars and Lego Indiana Jones) away for a while, and they didn’t seem to miss them. If my boys do put up a fight when I say that I’m taking the games away, that’s all the more reason that I should take them away. I think I’ll take them to Game Stop and let them make a trade for non-violent games for themselves.
Ultimately, when it comes down to it, my boys’ lives won’t be affected in any negative way when I take these things away. They have many more toys. Honestly, I miss seeing them play with completely innocent toys. Just today, I saw them push the Legos aside in favor of their bin of animals. This doesn’t happen often, and it made me smile. And in fact, if they decide that all other video games are too boring, then great! They won’t want to play as much, which is perfectly fine with me!
If my small action can help in the tiniest bit to prevent another senseless tragedy, then I see no reason not to. Who’s with me?
(This is a contentious issue. I welcome your comments, but please speak respectfully.)
My Take on Love & Logic
My readers often ask me about my thoughts about Love & Logic. My husband and I took a Love & Logic class when William was little, and I have to say that although I’m a big proponent of logical consequences, in general, I’m not a huge fan. There were a few tips and tricks that I learned from the class, but I feel that method is somewhat lacking, particularly when it comes to giving our kids a moral foundation.
A big thing that the Ezzos teach us that books like Love & Logic don’t is to teach the moral reason behind the behaviors we expect. We don’t need to explain everything. In fact, when it comes to daily, practical matters, I feel like we shouldn’t give an explanation. Kids don’t need a reason to obey, and they certainly don’t need fodder to negotiate. But when it comes to moral matters, we should teach and instruct at length. We don’t want to raise children who only act appropriately because of external consequences. We want them to internalize moral behavior.
So when it comes to sharing, we teach the value of others. Ultimately, we expect that they will think of others on their own. When it comes to lying, we teach the importance of truth and how consistent lying can create a “boy who cried wolf” situation. And when it comes to sibling rivalry, we teach our children to love and empathize. The Ezzos teach us that modeling these behaviors is also extremely important.
There is certainly some crossover between Love & Logic and the Ezzos’ teachings since the Ezzos do recommend logical and natural consequences. But Love & Logic take these consequences a step too far, in my opinion. Some of the consequences recommended in the class are too extreme. I’m not going to follow any parenting method that tells me to kick my kids out of the car because they’re fighting, even if a friend was standing by to pick them up or follow them as they walk (as was recommended).
Even less extreme consequences like letting a child forget his lunch bother me. I agree that perhaps the only way to change the behavior of a child who consistently forgets his lunch is to let him go hungry. And maybe I’ll come across this when my kids are older, but I cannot imagine knowingly letting my kids go hungry at school. First of all, William has hypoglycemia, so he would be a blood sugar nightmare. Besides kids need nourishment to learn.
As for the theory behind Love & Logic, I teach my kids to obey my word because I am their mom, not because there’s a threat of a consequence hanging over their heads. Sometimes there is no logical consequence for a given situation, and sometimes we don’t have time to deal with consequences. Children should obey and respect their parents simply because they are children.
When consequences are our kids’ sole motivation, how will they act when we’re not around? If there’s no one there to issue a consequence, will they have the moral integrity to act appropriately? Sure, natural consequences (like being scratched by a cat) will still happen, but natural consequences are few and far between.
This is a bit of a loaded question, but how do you feel about Love & Logic? Feel free to contradict me! Have you gleaned any good tips or tricks from the method?
When Nobody Is Watching…
I just saw an inspiring post on the CFH Babywise and Beyond Facebook page that says this:
“Teach your children to have integrity…to do the right thing even when no one is watching.”
I love this thought. And I love the idea that the Ezzos teach us to instill integrity into our children. When we teach them the moral reason behind the behavior we expect (beginning no later than age 3), they are more likely to internalize these behaviors. And when they internalize these behaviors and the moral reasons behind them, they are more likely to act appropriately even when nobody is watching.
I see this in my own children. When we’re in a restaurant and I take the time to explain that other people want to enjoy their meal and not be disturbed by children, they sit up straight and look around at the people around us. It’s very different from the times that I tell them to act in a certain way just because I expect it. When they know there’s a reason that goes beyond my expectations, they are much more likely to comply.
This comment from the CFH page also serves as a warning to legalistic parents. If “because I said so” is a common theme in your home, you may get different behaviors when no one is watching. If mom and dad aren’t around to serve as an external reinforcer because the child has no internal motivations, the child may act as he pleases.
I’m reminded of a family I babysat for when I was a teenager. This family made the rounds through all the babysitters I knew (me, my sister, my neighbor, etc.). Honestly, nobody wanted to babysit for this family because the two little girls were little hellions. One time when I was babysitting them, I was chasing after one girl while the other dumped the whole jar of fish food into the fish tank. They were about 4 and 6 years old, so they were old enough to know better.
My babysitter friends and I concluded that they acted like this because they were so stifled by their super strict parents. One minute of freedom away from the parents, and they were a disaster. The parents were so strict that they required the girls to wear headbands (spiky ones!) to bed. It’s clear to me that these girls had no internal motivation to behave; they certainly weren’t internalizing the behaviors their parents insisted upon.
I hired a babysitter recently, and I’m thankful she said my boys were sweet. In fact, I’ve never had a nanny or sitter complain about my boys’ behaviors, even despite William’s sensory issues. I think my boys understand why I expect them to behave in a certain way, and they comply even when I’m not around.
So the next time you have a chance, try to spy on your child. Does he play nicely? Do his imaginary friends share and treat each other with respect? Does he watch over his baby sibling? See if he has internalized the moral integrity you expect. See how he behaves when no one is watching.
Teach Gratitude
How grateful are your children? Do you actively teach them to appreciate the things they have in their lives? With tomorrow being Thanksgiving, gratitude is the name of the game. Of course, gratitude is important every day of the year, not just this one day. And gratitude is an important quality in everyone, kids and adults alike.
Many of my friends on Facebook are expressing gratitude the entire month of November. It’s an interesting exercise to decide what I’m most thankful for every day of the month. Admittedly, I’ve had days where I can’t come up with anything. But I’ve also had days where I list two or three things that I’m grateful for. It really changes my attitude. It forces me to see all that I truly do have and appreciate every bit of it. Sadly, I’m very much a glass-half-empty kind of person, so this exercise really changes my thinking.
When it comes to our kids, training them to be grateful is all about teaching them to think of all that they have. They don’t have the perspective to understand that they have much more than many other kids in this world. But gratitude doesn’t require us to compare. We can simply be grateful for what we have because we have it, not because somebody else doesn’t have it.
So take the time to walk through your house and marvel at all that you have. Do this with your child. Examine every little toy, piece of furniture, and item of clothing. Find your child’s favorite toy, and say, “Aren’t we so lucky to have great things to play with?” Find your softest blanket, and say, “Isn’t this blanket so soft and warm?” After your spouse has read a book to the kids, stop and say, “Aren’t you so lucky to have a daddy who is so good at reading stories?”
Now, don’t turn it into a blame game. Don’t force gratitude on them by saying there are starving children in China. This has no meaning to them. Their gratitude will be wrapped up in whatever it is that they are thankful for.
Make this a daily exercise and your children will begin to act and think with gratitude.
The Importance of Listening
How well do you listen to your child? Do you ever have trouble striking a balance between empathizing with your child and requiring strict obedience?
Those of us who follow the Ezzos’ teachings know that maintaining a parent-centered or family-centered home is important. We do our best to ensure that our lives aren’t too child-centered. We want our children to know that they’re not the center of the universe. They may in fact be the center of our universe, but for the sake of the marriage, family, and the foundation upon which the child stands, we treat the child as a welcome member of the family but not the center of it.
Despite our emphasis on parent-centered methods, we cannot undervalue our children or their thoughts and feelings. The idea that the child is best seen, not heard, is simply unacceptable. In fact, it’s when we show cooperation in conquering the world together that we get better behavior and acceptance from our children. If our children know we are on their side, they will share their thoughts and more readily adopt our values.
This post is inspired by the book How to Talk so Your Kids Will Listen by H. Norman Wright, and though I’m only 30 pages in, it’s very enlightening. One idea that stands out to me is this:
“How do you get kids and teens to listen to you? Listen to them,” (p. 28).
It’s so true. In fact, the times that I’ve struggled most with obedience is when I’m immersed in some other activity or in my own thoughts. If I’m unavailable or detached from my children, they know it and they see it as license to do as they please. Alternatively, if I listen and interact with them, they are much more likely to hear me and obey my instructions.
It’s like what the Ezzos say about the threatening and repeating parent. When we threaten and repeat, we train our children not to listen to us. The same is true when we speak to our children in anger.
Knowing that there’s value in listening, we must also understand that listening is an art form:
“Listening is giving sharp attention to what your child shares with you. It’s more than just hearing what he or she says. Often what your child shares is more than what he or she says. (Read that sentence again. It’s a key thought.) You must listen to the total person, not just the words spoken. Listening requires an openness to whatever is being shared: feelings, attitudes or concerns, as well as words,” (p. 31).
Rather than having our own agenda or formulating our own thoughts or response, we must simply be quiet and listen. It’s only after we listen that we can reply. And understand that listening doesn’t mean complying. You can listen to your child ask for a lollipop for dinner, but that doesn’t mean you have to agree. Listening simply shows that we care.
The following statement is great:
“Listening is an expression of love. It involves caring enough to take seriously what your child is communicating,” (p. 31).
And when they see that we’re loving them by listening, the reward is huge:
“When your child knows you hear him or her, your child will trust you and feel safe with you. And if you’re a good listener, your child will be more apt to invite you into his or her life. Your child also learns through your example to respond openly and lovingly to what you share with him or her,” (p. 31).
So if you’re struggling with your child, try just listening for a little while. Whether you have a tween who’s challenging your values or a preschooler who refuses to obey, simply listening to their thoughts and feelings will strengthen your relationship and move you one step closer to your goals as a family.
Signing “thank you”
I discussed baby sign language in my last post about whining. Whether or not whining is a concern in your home, it’s great to learn the sign for “thank you.”
If you frequently find yourself embarrassed by the fact that your child forgets to say “thank you,” the sign language will come in handy. Here’s how it works:
- Your child receives a gift.
- You wait for the “thank you” and it doesn’t come.
- You position yourself behind the giver but in front of the child.
- You quietly do the sign for “thank you,” prompting your child to say “thank you.”
- The child says “thank you” without the usual verbal prompt from you.
To do the sign for “thank you,” touch your fingertips to your chin and bring your fingers forward. It’s like blowing a kiss, but from your chin, not your lips.
Continue with this approach until the child internalizes the value of saying “thank you” when receiving a gift. And as always, teach the child why it’s important to say “thank you.”
Family chores
To encourage selflessness in our children, it’s important to have them do chores for the family. When we ask them to clean up, it’s common for a child to retort, “But those aren’t my toys!” or “But I didn’t make that mess!” Frankly, that’s all the more reason to have them follow through with the chore.
When you think of chores for your children, have them clean up messes that are specifically not their own. If the dog made a mess, have the child clean it up. If a sibling made a mess, have the child clean it up.
When my boys and I were doing laundry recently, I had them both help me sort the clothes. But rather than have them work on their own hampers, I had them switch. I had William sort Lucas’ clothes, and I had Lucas sort William’s clothes. Then they both helped me with mine. William seemed a little confused and almost began to argue, but he obeyed nonetheless.
Keep this in mind the next time you assign a chore to your child.
Is shyness an excuse?
Is shyness an excuse? For that matter, is any temperamental strength or weakness an excuse for questionable behavior? If your shy child clams up when someone compliments her, is that okay?
I was painfully shy as a child. Well, I was the comedian of the family within the safety of my home. But get me around strangers and I would clam up. Luckily, I don’t have a shy child, but if I did, I would work on that temperamental weakness just as I would any other.
Here’s what the Ezzos say:
“Shyness is not an acceptable excuse for disrespect. It cannot be used as a legitimate excuse for disrespect, because temperamental strengths and weaknesses do not exempt a child from right moral responses. If someone says hi to your child, the correct response should be, at least, hi. If someone compliments your daughter’s dress, teach her the basic courtesy response: ‘thank you,'” (On Becoming Childwise, p. 101).
If this is an issue with your child, take the time to work on it:
- Instruct the child in how to respond in certain situations.
- Explain when such situations might arise (before you leave for a social event).
- If the child clams up, don’t make excuses for the child.
- Just say, “I”m sorry, we are working on this.”
- Don’t verbally berate the child in public. It’ll only make it worse.
Shyness isn’t the only temperamental quality to consider. My children are creative and extroverted. Shyness is the least of our concerns. But there are times when my children are loud and creative in the wrong situations. I often tell my children, “Be bored!” when we’re headed into a grocery store or restaurant where they might be tempted to make some fun where there isn’t any to be had.
Think through other temperamental qualities in your child and determine how you might work with the child to overcome any weaknesses.