Source: preschoolkidsbooks.net

I realize this post may be unpopular with some, but let me assure you, doing flash cards with your toddler or preschooler is not the path to success in school. Sure, we all want our kids to do well in school and be the best and smartest in the class. But doing rote memorization and teaching abstract academic concepts too early can be more of a detriment. This is particularly true when it’s done in the place of important heart training.

There is so much more to this issue than I can even touch on in one post, but please understand that having a child who can read at age 2 is not a sure-fire path to success. So what is the path to success? Letting your child develop at a natural pace is what will prepare him for school. The second year of a child’s life (after his 1st birthday) is all about walking and talking. The third year (after his 2nd birthday) is all about asserting some independence and realizing that the child is separate from his parents. Age 3 should be all about imaginative play. Some parents mistakenly assume that a confidently talking child can start to learn real academics. But please don’t deprive your child of imaginative play. It is crucial to a child’s brain development.

Just as important as the natural order of development is taking the time to teach values and virtues. This will do far more than teaching a 3-year-old his times tables. Which would you prefer? A child who knows his academics early but disrespects authority, or a child who knows the virtues and values that it takes to successfully navigate his way through school? Consider the following:

“Little Stephanie waits patiently while her preschool teacher hands out the animal crackers. With camel, sheep, and monkey cookies placed before her, Stephanie looks up and with a gentle touch of her fingers to her lips she signs the words thank you. No one is surprised then, when Stephanie, after carefully discarding her napkin, is among the first to respond when the teacher calls the class to reading time,” (On Becoming Preschoolwise, p. 29).

Clearly, Stephanie’s parents were focused on much more than academics.

“While others in her group may be stimulated at home with flash cards and Spanish tapes, Stephanie’s parents, along with many others in this new generation of Moms and Dads, have chosen to equally emphasize another component of development that includes: virtues, values, and Stephanie’s heart,” (On Becoming Preschoolwise, p. 29).

Don’t discount the importance of such teachings in preparation for school (no matter when you start).

The book says it best:

“Think about it. Order, patience, self-control, attention, thinking before acting–all are prerequisites to learning…. Learning to count from one to ten or picking colors from a chart does not make your preschooler kinder, more self-controlled, or easier to manage, “(On Becoming Preschoolwise, p. 37).

And not only will these skills serve him well in school; they will serve him well in life.

Source: ehow.com

How deep do your moral lessons go? Are you working with your children on the golden rule? Do your children truly know the reasons behind the moral lessons you give? It’s important to not only teach moral truths, but also give our children the tools to reason and process moral situations.

“The prerequisite to moral reasoning is knowing moral truth,” (On Becoming Childwise).

So from our earliest parenting years, we must teach our children in moral situations. For example, we need to teach them not only to not pick flowers in a neighbors’ garden, but we need to teach them that doing so robs the neighbor of enjoying the flowers she worked so hard to plant. We need to teach the moral truth behind even the most basic instructions.

I like the example given in “Amy’s story” in chapter 10 of On Becoming Childwise:

“Briana was celebrating her eleventh birthday, together with her family. They were traveling on her birthday, but her parents brought along many of her gifts. Her special present that year was something she had been wanting for a long time: a vanity for her bedroom. After opening her gifts, Briana’s dad told her that a special gift was waiting for her at home because it was too large to bring along. Briana started giving guesses as to what it might be. Amy, Briana’s eight-year-old sister, blurted, ‘It’s a vanity!’ Immediately, tears flooded Briana’s eyes,” (On Becoming Childwise).

It’s easy to see that this there is a moral lesson to be taught in such an example. Amy’s sister was excited about a gift, and something Amy said brought her sister to tears. That alone is enough to warrant a conversation centered on moral principles.

After Amy was told to sit in a reflective sit-time, Amy was asked to morally process what had happened. Her parents needed her to say more than just “I told Briana what her gift was.” They wanted her to know on a deeper level why what she said was wrong.

“After forty-five minutes, Amy tearfully confessed what she had done, and her confession was beautiful: ‘I stole Briana’s joy of receiving the gift as a surprise.’ Wow! Where did that answer come from? From an ability to morally process. Here [was] an eight-year-old child coming up with an adult-sized answer,” (On Becoming Childwise).

In Amy’s case, her parents had been actively investing moral truth into Amy’s heart.

“This deposit of moral truth created an infrastructure of logical thought that enabled Amy to deeply process. Without a knowledge of virtues and values, children will be limited in their ability to reason and process moral situations,” (On Becoming Childwise).

But clearly, with that moral infrastructure, children can process moral situations and truly understand the moral ramifications of their actions. They are able to put themselves in another person’s shoes to see the situation from their perspective. In this case, Amy was able to see the situation from Briana’s perspective. This is a skill that she had learned. Because of this skill, she could truly admit to the hurt that her actions had caused her sister. And she will have learned to think twice before blurting out an answer that she so desperately wants to give.

Think about similar situations in your daily life. Do you take the time to fully explain the moral truth to your children? Do you tell your children not to run in the grocery store, or do you take the time to explain that they could hurt someone (or themselves) or make other shoppers nervous? Do you tell your child not to climb up the slide, or do you explain that by climbing up the slide, he is preventing other children from going down? Do you tell your child not to tattle, or do you explain that tattling is just as bad as (or worse than) the action that prompted it?

As you go about your day, make note of opportunities to teach moral truths, and invest the time that it takes to give your children the important skill of moral reasoning.

Source: couponsaver.org

Does your child do chores to help out around the house? The Ezzos tell us that having a child do chores does more than instill a healthy work ethic. Chores have a big impact on a child’s character. In Growing Kids God’s Way, the Ezzos note a study that followed families and studied their chores.

“Researchers from Toronto, Canada and from Macquarie University in Australia studied children from families who were given daily chores and those who were not. The research pointed toward some interesting conclusions.

“Children who performed household chores showed more compassion for their siblings and other family members than other children who did not share in family responsibility,” (GKGW, p. 112).

And understand that the type of chores your child does defines the extent of his compassion toward others.

“Even more interesting was the fact that not all chores are equal. The kids who did family-care chores like setting the table, feeding the cat, or bringing in firewood, showed more concern for the welfare of others than children who had only self-care responsibilities, such as making their own bed and handing up their own clothes,” (GKGW, p. 112).

The effects of this research are undeniable. When you involve your child in chores that help the family as a whole, he becomes more compassionate and caring toward others. So whenever you assign chores to your child, make sure they are chores that benefit the family, not just the child.

by Valerie Plowman, Chronicles of a Babywise Mom

As my children grow older, I worry less about things like sleep and eating and more about bigger issues like morals and relationships. Sleep and eating are not less important, but for us, we have long put behind us the need for concern on those topics. They are “old hat” and we are able to focus on bigger issues.

One such big issue is sibling relationships. All siblings argue from time to time, but as parents, we really hope to instill a lifelong friendship among our children. We also realize that much of how they learn to interact with siblings at home will spill over into interaction with peers out in the world. On Becoming Childwise by Gary Ezzo and Robert Buckham has some great tips on maintaining sibling relationships and minimizing conflict among siblings. Of course the conflict will not go away–they are human children who live under the same roof; these tips, however, should help keep things a lot more peaceful. These tips are found on pages 104-109.

Teach Children to Resolve Their Own Conflict

Can I just say that one of the best decisions I made years ago as a parent was to not step in and solve problems between my children? There are so many good reasons to do this. For one, your children will not be running to you each time they disagree. For another, they will learn conflict resolution at home with people they love. This is a low-risk situation to learn how to compromise and get along.

Naturally, the first thing you need to do is to teach your children and coach your children on conflict resolution. Some people are naturally better at conflict resolution than others. I have a daughter (age 5) who has amazing conflict resolution skills. She really is a natural at it. My oldest (6) needs coaching and guidance. Don’t expect children to know how to take turns, compromise, and problem solve just because they breathe on this earth. Teach them. Coach them. Give them ideas on how to solve problems.

As you expect them to resolve their own conflicts, make it clear that if they are unwilling to work on getting along without your help, they will not enjoy the outcome. When my children cannot come to a resolution, my solution is that they just don’t get to play with each other for a specified amount of time. If they can’t get along, they can’t play with each other. No one ever likes that solution, so they work on resolving things together. Again, let me remind you that they must be taught first. You can’t expect them to solve their own problems without any problem solving tools to turn to, but once they have these tools, you can expect them so solve problems and to do so from a young age.

A final tip I have for you on this topic is for you to remain in earshot but out of eyesight when a conflict is being resolved. You need to listen and make sure the older child is not throwing his weight around to get his way or that the younger child is not emotionally manipulating to get his way. You need to listen and be sure they are practicing their conflict resolution skills appropriately. Listen to make sure no one is using phrases like, “Fine, then I’m not playing with you” or “If you don’t do what I want, I won’t be your friend anymore.” When I hear negotiations aren’t going well, I try to wait and see if they can come to a common ground. If they do, I talk to the individual child later who had some poor choices during negotiations and remind that we don’t XYZ. If they can’t resolve, I try to step in and negotiate, but I really don’t step in unless I see no resolution in sight. Also, you can’t possibly listen in on every discussion your children have, and I don’t think you should, but especially during early training days, try to be aware of the conversations going on. For more on having siblings resolve conflict, see this post on siblings and fighting.

Teach Children to Not Tattle

Oh tattling! It seems to be the bane of teachers and mothers alike. Tattling is an interesting topic because you want children to be able to come to you with real issues, but you don’t want to be bombarded with “he said/she saids” all day long. Observing number one above will naturally help with tattling issues, but it will not solve them.

Childwise suggests some guidelines for children. One is that you allow children to alert you if someone is hurt or in danger. This is okay.

You also want children to feel comfortable coming to an adult when they need help solving conflict. It is a great way to learn, and you don’t want them rolling on the floor fist fighting or screaming in a war of words.

What you do not allow is a child telling you something because he or she wants another child to get into trouble. I often let my children know that any tattling done out of malice will be met with the tattling child receiving the punishment he or she desires for the sibling.

We do not live in a tattle-free home–this is something we are working on. It ebbs and flows, and I have a certain child who likes to tattle far more than the other two.

Teach Children to Observe Physical and Verbal Kindness

In our home, we do not tolerate physical aggression nor to we tolerate verbal aggression or manipulation. Teach your children to speak kindly to each other. Remember to focus on the virtue rather than the vice. Do not allow physical aggression toward each other.

Just like you need to teach conflict resolution skills, you need to teach communication skills. Children need to be taught to use please and thank you. They need to be taught to not interrupt (how many adults could use that lesson!). They need to be taught how to share. They need to be taught how to listen (my minor is in communications and I had an entire semester-long class just on listening–it is a real skill to learn).

Children also need to be taught to be happy for others. Teach them that when a sibling does something well, they can congratulate them and be  happy for the sibling–there is no need to “one-up” or try to be just as good or better than the sibling. A simple example happened at our house about a month ago. A sister exclaimed, “Look how big of a bubble I blew!” and a sibling replied, “I have blown bigger bubbles than that before.” This was a moment to take the sibling aside and remind that the proper way to respond is with enthusiasm for the sibling. There is no need to compete. Congratulating another does not diminish any past accomplishments you have made in the same area.

Teach Children to be Service-Minded

Service is such a powerful parenting tool. Teaching children to serve is really setting them up to be happy people who love and care for others. Serving brings love, contentment, and joy. I have posts on teaching charity, loving others, and teaching love.

There are so many ways to teach service, and many of those ways start with parental example. All areas of service will help family relationships at home.

A great idea for service in the home is family chores. You want to teach your children about work and personal responsibility. We have always treated cleaning in our family as a job of everyone. When we are cleaning bedrooms, we all help clean each other’s rooms. When we are picking up a mess that has been made, we all help even if we didn’t make the mess. We have had one of our younger children complain about this one time, and we pointed out that mom and dad didn’t help make the mess and we help clean it up, so the child can certainly help clean messes made by other children.

On Becoming Childwise talks about studies on children’s chores. “Children who performed household chores showed more compassion for their siblings and other family members than children who didn’t share in family responsibility” (page 108). Giving your child chores that benefit the entire family (as opposed to simply cleaning their own room and making their own bed) helps him or her to be more caring for their family members. I have also found the child is more aware of the messes he or she makes around the house–the child is better about cleaning up after him/herself. You can find many more ideas on chores here.

Conclusion

These are four tips on helping your children get along better with each other. Help your children to learn to solve conflicts, understand when to turn to adults for help, have kindness toward each other, and serve each other, and they will grow in their love and respect for each other. Yes, they will still bicker. Yes, they will still have days they don’t get along well. But overall, they will build relationships and become each other’s best friends.

Valerie Plowman is a mother to three (and one on the way!) and blogs at Chronicles of a Babywise Mom.

Source: nymetroparents.com

As we raise our children, especially little ones, it’s easy to be consumed by their behavior. We decide that they get a timeout for poor table manners, or if they throw a toy, we take that toy away. But do we ever stop to think about how these behaviors might be a reflection of their hearts?

And while it’s one thing to be short-sighted and overly concerned with behavior, it’s another thing entirely to ignore the heart completely. Sadly, I see this all around me. In my area in particular, parents are overly concerned with achievement—whether it’s academic, sports, music or art. These parents shuttle their kids from one activity to the next, do flashcards for “fun” and don’t stop to think about their little ones’ hearts. Without a focus on values, these kids turn into teens and adults who feel entitled and who simply don’t know how to be kind.

The Ezzos describe it nicely:

“There is truth in the old proverb that says, ‘For a man thinks in his heart, so is he.’ Our life is the product of what is in our heart. What is in the heart of a child is the product of parents putting their moral convictions into their child’s moral warehouse,” (Growing Kids God’s Way, p. 79).

As you think about your child’s heart, I suggest you take a methodical approach. Make a list of the qualities you want to see in your child. The Ezzos focus on several:

• Submission to authority
• Respect for age
• Kindness for others
• Respect for property (their own and others’)
• Value for hard work
• Respect for nature

If these values are on your list, think about how they manifest themselves in daily life.

• Submission = Obedience to parents and teachers
• Respect for age = Clear a path, give up a seat, pick up a dropped item
• Kindness for others = Sharing, giving, kind words, thinking of others
• Respect for property = Cleaning up, being organized
• Value for hard work = Completing chores without complaint, going beyond what’s required
• Respect for nature = Don’t litter, pick up garbage

This is a short list. There are many, many other ways our values play out in daily life.

Think about how you might teach these values. I can say that we come across every one of these values any given week. For example, I work with William to ensure he’s doing his best work when doing homework. If his handwriting is sloppy, I’ll have him practice just that.

With Lucas, we’re working on obedience and kindness for others at school.

If you have a toddler or preschooler, consider working on submission/obedience first. If you don’t have that, you won’t get very far when requiring your child to do chores to learn the value of hard work, for example. Check out my eBook to learn the daily steps to achieve first-time obedience.