Give instructions only once

May 11, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Source: aeelaw.com

The Ezzos continually remind us to never repeat instructions to our children. There’s a fine line between reminding children of our expectations and nagging. When we nag, our children learn to ignore our word. And this is potentially one of the worst things that could happen to a parent.

The idea is so important, it is called out as Childwise Principle #12.

“Constantly reminding a child to do what is expected only means you have no expectation,” (On Becoming Childwise).

This is so true! Why shouldn’t our children obey the first time we give an instruction? When we set the expectation that they obey the first time, they are more likely to do so. This is especially true when we take the time to train our children in first-time obedience. Training them to say “yes, mommy” and give us eye contact are two very important steps in eliminating the need to constantly remind our children.

The effects of long-term reminders are far-reaching:

“What happens when the reminders aren’t repeated in successive sentences but over a period of hours, days, or weeks? No wonder the child doesn’t appropriate your instructions: there are no consequences for neglecting them, and anyway they’ll be repeated tomorrow so why remember today? At what point will you stop reminding?” (On Becoming Childwise).

It all comes down to accountability.

“When parents continue to instruct and remind their children how to behave after accountability training has been achieved, they are taking back ownership of a behavior that should no longer belong to them,” (On Becoming Childwise).

There are three very important ways you can eliminate the need to remind your child:

  1. Simply expect that your child will comply. Set the bar high, and he will rise to it.
  2. Get your “yes, mommy” and eye contact before giving an instruction.
  3. Maintain eye contact, even if you need to gently hold his chin, while you give an instruction.

If you do these three things, you will have no doubt that your child heard your instruction. And you can move on to appropriate consequences if he chooses to disobey.

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What I’m Reading: “Bringing Up Bebe,” The Sage Child

April 6, 2012 By 1 Comment

In French parenting, according to the book Bringing Up Bebe, there is a term that describes an ideal quality in children: sage.

“Sage (sah-je)—wise and calm. This describes a child who is in control of himself or absorbed in an activity. Instead of saying “be good,” French parents say “be sage,” (Bringing Up Bebe).

However, as the author describes, the term means much more than good behavior.

“When I tell Bean [the author’s daughter] to be sage, I’m telling her to behave appropriately. But I’m also asking her to use good judgment and to be aware and respectful of other people. I’m implying that she has a certain wisdom about the situation and that she’s in command of herself. And I’m suggesting that I trust her,” (Bringing Up Bebe, p. 60).

Understand that French parents do not expect their children to be robots. In the same way that the cadre allows children to have freedom within limits, a sage child can still have fun:

“Being sage doesn’t mean being dull. The French kids I know have a lot of fun,” (Bringing Up Bebe, p. 60).

But it is because of their sage quality that French children are able to have fun:

“In the French view, having the self-control to be calmly present, rather than anxious, irritable, and demanding is what allows kids to have fun,” (Bringing Up Bebe, p. 60-61).

The author discusses the history of the term and how the idea of sage has evolved:

“In France, the idea that kids are second-class beings who only gradually gain status persisted into the 1960s. I’ve met Frenchmen now in their forties who, as children, weren’t allowed to speak at the dinner table unless they were first addressed by an adult. Children were often expected to be ‘sage comme une image’ (quiet as a picture), the equivalent of the old English dictum that children should be seen but not heard,” (Bringing Up Bebe, p. 86).

Today, children are still expected to be quiet and respectful, but within reason:

“It suddenly seemed that by shutting kids up, parents might be screwing them up, too. French kids were still expected to be well behaved and to control themselves, but gradually after 1968 they were encouraged to express themselves, too. The French parents I know often use sage to mean self-controlled but also happily absorbed in an activity. ‘Before it was ‘sage like a picture.’ Now it’s ‘sage and awakened,’’ explained the French psychologist and writer Maryse Vaillant, herself a member of the famous ‘Generation of ’68,’” (Bringing Up Bebe, p. 87).

So what is there to learn from this? Essentially, teach your children that there is a time and place for everything. Teach them that they should be quiet at the dinner table simply to show good manners, but if they have something to say, allow them to express themselves. It’s all in the name of teaching our children to be wise, calm and self-controlled.

Filed Under: parenting philosophy Tagged With: ,

Take baby steps to get first-time obedience

March 13, 2012 By 1 Comment

Source: write-what-you-dont-know.com

It’s Babywise Blog Network Week! All week, we’ll be featuring blog posts from other Babywise-friendly blogs. The schedule is as follows:

·     Monday: Valerie Plowman, Chronicles of a Babywise Mom 
·     Tuesday: Maureen Monfore, Childwise Chat 
·     Wednesday: Hank Osborne, Daddy Life
·     Thursday: Rachel Rowell, My Baby Sleep Guide
·     Friday: Bethany Lynch, The Graceful Mom 

Help us promote solidarity within the Babywise/Ezzo community by subscribing to these blogs.

___________________________________

If you’ve read my blog at all, it’s likely you understand the value of training a child in first-time obedience (FTO). First-time obedience is a phrase commonly heard in Ezzo parenting circles. It means that a child obeys his parents’ instructions the first time, no questions asked.

Training a child in first-time obedience isn’t easy. But the payoff is huge in creating an atmosphere of peace and harmony in the home. Putting in the effort to train a child is so worth it.

Any parent ready to start the journey of FTO training must understand that it is a journey. It’s a process. You will not achieve complete FTO in a day (or even 10).

I have read some parenting books and websites and walked away with the feeling that I need to do it all, and I need to do it all right now! I come away feeling like I’m doing everything “wrong” and that I have so much ground to cover if we are to get it all done.

These experts bring out the worst legalistic parent in me. I get started trying to apply their advice, and after a couple of days, I end up frustrated and exhausted. My kids are exacerbated. Nobody is happy, and I end up hating the parent I’ve become.

I make this point because I don’t want to be one of those “experts” who drives you to the brink of insanity. When you read my blog, and if you read my eBook, Live in Harmony with First-Time Obedience, please take note when I suggest that you take baby steps in your FTO training.

The bad news is that there is no quick fix. The good news is that you won’t frustrate yourself or exacerbate your child. You have a long-term roadmap to teach your child to be obedient, submissive and respectful.

In my eBook, I outline the many steps required to achieve first-time obedience. I also include a “FTO Bootcamp” that walks you through the various phases of FTO training, day by day. It is written in a way to help you realize that you don’t need to do it all right now. I try to emphasize that if a certain FTO training phase takes 3 months instead of 3 days, then so be it. Take the time you need to work through the steps.

It’s better to take several months to complete the journey than to try it, frustrate yourself, exacerbate your child, give up, and then feel lost when your child disobeys and you have no plan to address the disobedience.

By the same token, allow your child to take baby steps when complying with your FTO requests. Don’t start your FTO training by requiring the child to do some monumental task. Don’t begin when he’s sick, tired or hungry. And only work on one aspect of FTO training at a time.

Equate it to teaching a child to swim. First-time obedience is a skill just like swimming. You don’t throw your child into the deep end, expect him to swim, and then discipline him when he sinks. You teach him by first having him blow bubbles in the water. Then you teach him how to go under water. You teach him how to float on his back. And you teach him how to do the various strokes to swim.

All of these baby steps are required. It’s not until you have taken each baby step one at a time that you can expect that the skill will be perfected. And as you can imagine, teaching a child to swim takes time and practice. Allow yourself time and practice when training your child in FTO.

If your critical Aunt Edna is coming to visit and you are worried about your child’s behavior, don’t expect that you can get all of your FTO work done in a few days. You will only frustrate yourself and exacerbate your child. Allow enough time to complete the whole process. Take as many baby steps as you need.

All of the tips, steps and phases outlined in my eBook are designed to prevent you from biting off more than you can chew in your first-time obedience training. You want to appropriately train the child, but you want to do so lovingly, fairly and peacefully. Only then will you have success with your training and achieve true harmony in your home.

 

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Starting young

February 27, 2012 By 5 Comments

Source: havingfunathomeblog.blogspot.com

A few days ago, I got an email from a reader who wondered whether my eBook, Live in Harmony with First-Time Obedience, would be appropriate for her family even though her child was only a year old. My answer: yes! I believe it’s perfectly fine, if not preferable, to start obedience training early. Here’s why:

Training the child
When you start obedience training with a young child/toddler, you give yourself ample opportunity to establish authority over your child. There will come a day when he’s tempted to run in the opposite direction when you call his name. If you have been working on FTO and establishing authority, he will second-guess himself before he runs.

There will also come a day when you need your young child to obey. When Lucas was about 18 months old, I had a conference with William’s teacher. I wasn’t able to line up a sitter, so I brought them both with me. Other teachers occupied William, but I had to keep Lucas with me.

We had been doing blanket time at home, so I brought our usual blanket with us, gave him a basket of toys, and proceeded to talk to the teacher. He stood up one time and looked at me as if he was checking to see if it was okay. I told him to sit back down and he did. The conference was a good 20 minutes long, and he sat and played quietly the entire time. The teacher was impressed.

Training the parent
While training the young child is important, in these early years, it’s important for parents to train themselves. There are some parents who need to shore up the courage to command authority. There are some parents who stare like a deer in headlights, not knowing what to do, when their child disobeys. There are some parents who overlook disobedience because they don’t yet recognize it as disobedience. Read last week’s post on micro-rebellion for more on this.

When you start young, you prepare yourself for obedience training. Some day, your child will choose to run in the opposite direction when you call (I can almost guarantee it). If you have prepared yourself for obedience training, you will know what to do when it happens.

You will have discussed your parenting ideas with your spouse and decided ahead of time how you will treat every act of disobedience. You will make sure you and your spouse are on the same page. And you will take preventive measures, like blanket time and following a schedule, to head off disobedience before it rears its ugly head.

Do your reading now
When your child is young, take the opportunity to read parenting books and discuss them with your spouse. Read everything from Toddlerwise, Childwise and Parenting with Love & Logic to The Attachment Parenting Book.

You can take a methodical approach with your reading, deciding what your goals are and finding the resources to get you there. Or you can just get a feel for every book. When we find the book that’s for us, it will clearly resonate with us. There may be one or two pieces of advice that we don’t agree with, but on the whole we will know it’s for our family. I have done all of this reading and can tell you without a doubt that the Ezzos’ books are right for my family.

As you read, always stay one step ahead of your child. When your child is a baby, read Toddlerwise. When he’s a toddler, read Preschoolwise. When he’s a preschooler, read Childwise. That way, you can prepare yourself for what’s to come.

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The micro-rebellious child

February 22, 2012 By 4 Comments

Source: paisleyjade.com

In my next post, I will discuss parenting the heart through values-based teaching. In this one, I discuss identifying heart issues as they relate to micro-rebellion.

Micro-rebellion is a term coined by the Ezzos that describes seemingly minor disobedience that is disobedience nonetheless. Micro = small or minor. Macro = big or major.

The thing about micro-rebellion is that while the action or misbehavior might seem minor, the concern with the child’s heart is anything but. In fact, parenting a micro-rebellious child can be difficult because the child’s disobedience isn’t always obvious.

Think about it this way. Macro-rebellion is easy to spot. Say you tell your child to be careful with his plastic baseball bat, and he proceeds to whack his baby sister in the head with it. That is macro-rebellion.

Micro-rebellion isn’t so easy to spot. Say you tell your child to stay off the tile floor because you just mopped it. The child proceeds to put only his toes on the tile floor. He doesn’t run across the floor or even step onto it with one foot. Only his toes cross the threshold.

I wish there were better words to describe micro-rebellious behavior, but sneaky and manipulative come to mind.

At the beginning of this post, I mentioned that identifying micro-rebellion is a heart issue. If a parent dismisses such behaviors as nothing but minor infractions, the child learns that he can disobey as long as it’s minor disobedience. The child learns that he can disobey as long as he’s sneaky and manipulative about it.

I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather have a child who is blatant with his disobedience! So be on the lookout for micro-rebellion, and treat every form of disobedience (big or small) as disobedience.

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Are French parents better?

February 13, 2012 By 5 Comments

This is the question posed in a recent Wall Street Journal article discussing a new book, Bringing Up Bebe: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting by Pamela Druckerman. In the book, the author discusses French parenting and contends that American parents are much more lenient, yet also overly focused on child discipline.

The author’s basis for the book? She lives in Paris with her (British) husband and three children:

“A few years ago, while enduring nightmarish restaurant meals with her then-18-month-old daughter on a French seaside vacation, it struck Druckerman that the French children around them were all perfectly well-behaved. Thinking further, she realized she’d seen the same on French playgrounds and in her French friends’ homes,” (Wall Street Journal, “Are French Parents Better?”)

The book’s description notes that:

“The French children Druckerman knows sleep through the night at two or three months old while those of her American friends take a year or more. French kids eat well-rounded meals that are more likely to include braised leeks than chicken nuggets. And while her American friends spend their visits resolving spats between their kids, her French friends sip coffee while the kids play,” (Bringing Up Bebe).

Sound familiar? This is exactly the type of parenting the Ezzos have been espousing for decades. But what exactly is the difference between American and French parenting?

They call it the French parenting “secret” but it’s no secret at all. It’s the ability to set clear, firm boundaries for children from their earliest days.

According to the book, French parents also avoid child-centered parenting (again an Ezzo idea):

“[T]he French have managed to be involved with their families without becoming obsessive,” Druckerman writes. “They assume that even good parents aren’t at the constant service of their children, and that there is no need to feel guilty about this. ‘For me, the evenings are for the parents,’ one Parisian mother told me. ‘My daughter can be with us if she wants, but it’s adult time,’ ” (Wall Street Journal, “Are French Parents Better?”).

I’m intrigued by the author’s contention that French parents rarely discipline their children. Their consistent modeling of patience and obedience teaches children to do the same. In fact, French parents are puzzled by the American emphasis on discipline.

Druckerman says, “Instead they stress ‘educating’ their kids, meaning not schoolwork but a holistic way of showing and telling them what is and isn’t allowed. This means infractions that require American-style punishments are rare,” (Wall Street Journal, “Are French Parents Better?”).

This reminds me of the Ezzos’ approach to non-conflict training.

This quote from the book’s description sums it up nicely:

“Of course, French parenting wouldn’t be worth talking about if it produced robotic, joyless children. In fact, French kids are just as boisterous, curious, and creative as Americans. They’re just far better behaved and more in command of themselves,” (Bringing Up Bebe).

I love it!

Filed Under: parenting philosophy Tagged With: , , , , ,

Answer when spoken to

February 8, 2012 By Leave a Comment

first-time obedience

Source: looneytunes09.wordpress.com

Unfortunately, the Superbowl and this pesky little thing called work has seriously cut into my blogging time. (I’m a freelance marketing writer, so my work is feast or famine by nature. I’m in feast mode right now!)

So I’m going to leave you with an insightful quote. “Answer when spoken to” is written on my white board under our list of house rules. As the Ezzos say:

“When you speak to your child in a way that requires an answer or an action, you should expect an immediate and complete response. This principle speaks to the parents’ level of expectation. Children will rise to whatever level is expected and encouraged. Too many parents expect little and receive exactly that. We have consistently found that the requirement of first-time obedience is far less of an adjustment problem for children than it is for their parents,” (Growing Kids God’s Way, p. 126).

Keep this in mind this week and report back. I’d love to hear from you how well this works in improving first-time obedience in your home.

Filed Under: first-time obedience, Uncategorized Tagged With: ,

It’s easier to do it for them

February 1, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Source: parentclub.ganzworld.com

Have you ever fallen into the trap of doing things for your child simply because it’s easier? I know I have. But what are the effects of doing so? What are we teaching our children?

This issue came to a head for me recently. I tend to help Lucas with his shoes and coat simply because it’s easier and faster, particularly when we’re rushing off to school. Well, at school, they have been teaching him to do this for himself. One day, his teacher told me that he was very proud of himself after putting on his coat and shoes himself, but he quickly said, “Don’t tell my mom.”

The little stinker didn’t want me to know that he was able to put his coat and shoes on by himself! He wanted me to keep doing it for him!

The whole scenario made me laugh, but it also made me aware of what can happen by not requiring my children to do for themselves. There is a reason parents require their children to do chores. We want to teach them to take care of themselves, their things, and to help others.

Doing things for them is particularly problematic when we have instructed them to complete a task and then do it for them. We completely undermine our authority when we tell them to pick up their toys and then do it for them.

After describing a scenario where a child ignores his parents’ instruction to put away his clothes, the Ezzos say:

“Unfortunately, the parents themselves often encourage this behavior. Rather than dealing with the child’s disobedience, Mom gives up by folding and putting away the clothes for him. The reason for her actions is simple. Doing the task herself is much easier and faster than getting her child to do it. This decision also avoids conflict. The problem with her action is that it reinforces he child’s disobedience and teaches the child that if he waits long enough, someone else will do it for him!” (Growing Kids God’s Way, p. 129).

And ultimately, we want them to develop self-initiative to clean up after themselves.

“Prompted initiative is very good; self-generated is better and should be the goal to which every parent strives,” (Growing Kids God’s Way, p. 129).

While we may need to prompt our kids to perform certain tasks, especially when they’re little, our goal should be to develop in them the initiative to perform chores and serve others without prompt from anyone.

You can imagine that there’s a wide gap between a child who needs a bribe to obey (as discussed in Monday’s post) and a child who takes initiative themselves to take care of themselves and their things. Imagine not even having to request that the child perform these tasks. It takes obedience out of the equation!

Filed Under: first-time obedience, moral training Tagged With: , , ,

Bribing

January 30, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Source: fortheloveofsalt.blogspot.com

We all know that bribing our children is a huge no-no, but do you really understand what it looks like? It’s nice to be able to motivate our children to obey, but there’s a big distinction between rewarding a child and bribing them.

So what’s the difference between a bribe and a reward? Bribes are mentioned before the child obeys. Rewards are mentioned (and given) after the child obeys.

It looks like this:

Bribe: “If you obey mommy in the grocery store, I’ll buy you a special treat.”

Reward: “Thank you for obeying mommy in the grocery store! Here is your special treat for doing so.”

Often, bribes and rewards are turned on their heads and become threats.

Threat: “If you don’t obey mommy in the grocery store, I won’t buy you a treat.”

Of the three, only rewards are appropriate.

What’s wrong with bribes and threats?
They give the child an external motivation to obey. We want our children to obey out of respect for our authority, not because they will get something out of the deal.

“Such verbal statements establish a false and improper motivation for obedience, thus devaluing obedience. Some parents train their children to obey for a bribe, rather than out of obedience to them. Their children respond because there is something in it for them. Children should be rewarded for their obedience, but should not be obedient just to gain a reward. That distinction is important. What happens when a reward is no longer a substantial motivator?” (Growing Kids God’s Way, p. 124).

Bribes affect morality
Beyond our daily attempts for obedience, bribes undermine our parenting in far-reaching ways:

“Children of bribing parents demonstrate several character and behavior patterns. They develop self-oriented tendencies and learn to manipulate others. Because they seek to be rewarded, they limit their ability to serve others unless they receive gratification,” (Growing Kids God’s Way, p. 125).

So feel free to reward your children after they have demonstrated obedient behavior, but be mindful of any bribes or threats that may be present in your parenting.

Filed Under: first-time obedience, moral training Tagged With: ,

But my child is different

January 25, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Source: blog.lib.umn.edu

Have you ever thought that there is something different enough about your child that you can’t expect first-time obedience from him or her? Or perhaps your argument is that all children are different, and that we can’t expect the same level of virtue from them all.

The Ezzos’ response to such objections:

“Our answer is that character transcends natural differences,” (On Becoming Childwise, p. 91).

Yes, temperament and personality are variables. But character should not be. Character, virtues and obedience are all factors that should be expected of all children, despite their temperament or personality.

True, you will want to consider a child’s personality when determining how to train obedience and character. But no parent should lower their expectations due to a child’s personality. In fact, the opposite is probably true.

When you have a child who tends to whine and complain (as I do), you don’t want to make life easier on him so he will whine and complain less. When I encounter something like this, my first instinct is to make sure he has plenty of opportunities to learn not to whine and complain. This is a skill that he needs to learn, and I would be remiss to not teach him that skill.

The Ezzos summarize this idea well with the following:

“Parents should not lower the standard to fit the child, but train the child to rise to the standard,” (On Becoming Childwise, p. 91).

Take a step back and critically examine your parenting to make sure you don’t make any concessions for your child based on his personality or temperament. One clue that you might be doing so is if you have a different standard for different children. Do you expect more of one child because he’s more obedient? Do you expect less of a child who whines and complains? Set your standard high and don’t make morality an option.

Filed Under: first-time obedience, moral training Tagged With: , ,
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