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Do you enjoy your child?
How’s that for a loaded question? I think it’s important for all parents to ask themselves this question every now and then. Yes, we go through struggles with our children. Yes, they often do their best to push our buttons and test boundaries. But on the whole, we should be enjoying the time we spend with our children.
If your answer to this question is an unequivocal no, it is your cue that you need to change your parenting methods. Do be honest with yourself when you ask yourself this question. Nobody else needs to know. Have your spouse ask himself the same question, especially if you see struggles between him and the child.
Understand that the onus to change your situation falls on you. If you don’t enjoy your child, do not blame the child. Children will very happily comply with our instructions when we are clear and consistent. You might find this very encouraging. It’s all under your control!
Take the steps you need to take to change the atmosphere in your home. Keep your eye on the goal (a happy, loving relationship with your child), and do the work it takes to get yourselves there.
Here are some ideas:
1) Read, read, read. Learn all you can about different parenting methods.
2) Talk to older, wiser parents. Learn from their experiences.
3) Take a parenting class with your spouse. Ask around at local churches to see where you might find a Growing Kids God’s Way class.
4) Step back and evaluate your attitude. Are you too lax? Too strict? Yes, children need to be corrected, but don’t make your life more difficult by focusing on behaviors that make a child a child. Choose your battles.
5) Make sure you have all the basics under your belt. Work on good eating and sleeping habits. Practice couch time and avoid child-centered parenting.
6) Do all that you can to prevent misbehaviors. Don’t wait for the child to misbehave before you act.
7) If you have the basics under control, work on first-time obedience. You can learn more in my eBook, Live in Harmony with First-Time Obedience. It will take work to train your child in first-time obedience, but the payoff is so worth it.
Always remember your goal. If you ever need encouragement to continue your work in parenting, remember that you are working on developing a happy, loving relationship with your child. Remind yourself of that sweet little soul you saw when he was a baby or toddler. Stare at him while he sleeps. Trust that his sweet spirit will reemerge. He wants to be that sweet little child; he just needs your help to get there.
Live in Harmony with First-Time Obedience. New eBook!
Have you always wanted to teach your children first-time obedience but you’ve never been sure where to begin? Let my new eBook, Live in Harmony with First-Time Obedience, teach you how.
I am very proud to announce the release of my new eBook! Several months ago, I realized that it might help parents to have one easy-to-read, digital source for advice on teaching first-time obedience. After many hours and late nights, it’s now a reality!
After reading through my own posts on the topic of first-time obedience, I decided that there were several holes in my teaching that needed to be filled. So I am excited to offer this eBook, which covers just about every idea I’ve had about training children in first-time obedience. The 112-page eBook serves as a great complement to the Parent Wise books from Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo.
In Live in Harmony with First-Time Obedience, you’ll learn how to:
- Rid your home of tantrums, whining, complaining and negotiating
- Train your children to be respectful and obedient
- Create peace and harmony in your home so you can enjoy your children again
- Work on obedience while they’re young and the stakes are low
- Reduce the stress that comes with parenting young children
- Achieve a balanced life of love and learning with your children
Gary Ezzo himself has endorsed the eBook:
One of the most important parenting tasks is helping children learn to obey. This eBook offers practical advice for parents in the throes of obedience training and is high on my recommended reading list. ~ Gary Ezzo
Get your copy of Live in Harmony with First-Time Obedience while it’s on sale! Until January 9, 2012, it will be available for just $6.99! That’s 30% off the original price!
Click on the graphic below to learn more about the eBook and to download a sample of the eBook. Have a look before you buy.
If you like what you see, consider becoming an affiliate. Earn 30% of the purchase price for every buyer you refer. Read more.
Love languages
Do you know your child’s love language? One of my favorite aspects of the Ezzo books is their discussion of love languages. The idea is fully explored in a separate book, The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell, but it is a philosophy the Ezzos endorse. As parents, it is our job to learn how our kids express and receive love and to love them according to their unique love language.
The concept applies to any age. Have you ever given someone a gift and received a lackluster response? Has your spouse ever complained about not feeling loved while you feel like all you do is show him love? Everybody communicates and receives love in different ways. No way is better or worse. The key is knowing the specific love languages of your loved ones.
Here’s a basic rundown of the five love languages and ways to recognize them in your child:
Words of encouragement
Words of encouragement means exactly that. Someone with this love language expresses love by offering words of praise. Examples include:
- That dress looks great on you.
- I loved the way you helped your brother today.
- You do a great job of showing your best manners at the table.
This might be your child’s love language if he is regularly giving you and others words of encouragement.
Acts of service
Some people communicate love by doing for others. If your spouse goes out of his way to do things for you, acts of service is likely his love language. Examples:
- Your spouse puts gas in your car without you asking.
- You make a special dinner for your family.
- Your spouse puts the children to bed while telling you to rest.
Children express acts of service by helping you out with chores. Do you find your child helping you sweep, wanting to help fold clothes or do an extra-special job putting away his toys?
Gift-giving
Often a simple gesture, giving gifts is a way to express love. Examples include:
- Your spouse brings home a souvenir from a business trip.
- Your dad spontaneously brings home flowers for your mom throughout the year.
- Your spouse’s eyes light up when you give him a gift.
Think of gifts from a child as something that has value to him, not necessarily to you. Sharing his dessert, drawing a special picture and wrapping up a toy can be signs that gift-giving is your child’s love language.
Quality time
Quality time requires that you invest yourself in the other person by offering your undivided attention. Do you find your spouse complaining that you don’t spend enough time together, while you think you do everything together? The key is making sure that time is quality time. Examples:
- Your spouse turns off the TV and asks you sit next to him.
- You plan a special date night.
- You spouse is thrilled with the idea of couch time.
For a child, spending quality time together means doing his favorite things with him or taking him out for some one-on-one time. You might recognize this in your child if he often asks you to play with him.
My oldest, William, loves his quality time. Before his brother was born, he was always asking me to play. Now, they are each other’s best friends. I’ve also discovered that timeouts are really effective with him because he hates to be alone.
Physical touch and closeness
Physical touch is simple to understand. Yet, this love language also includes spending time together in the same room. Different from quality time, it doesn’t matter what you are doing as long as you are together. Examples:
- You’re reading a book and decide to go sit in the same room with your spouse.
- Your spouse doesn’t want to watch the show you’re watching, and rather than leave the room, he will bring his newspaper and sit with you.
- Your child wants you to sit with him while he does his homework.
This love language is easy to spot in children. They tend to be overly affectionate and easily respond to any touch. My little one, Lucas, is this way. He would hug and kiss me all day if I let him. If I play with his hair or rub his neck, he goes into a little trance. So cute.
There are a few things to keep in mind with love languages:
- Some people have one or two love languages. Usually, one takes priority over another, but both should be considered.
- Some parents can’t recognize a child’s love language until they are age 5 or older.
- Sometimes our loved ones know our love language better than we do ourselves.
There is a whole series of books on love languages by Gary Chapman. Plus, the Growing Kids God’s Way book includes a test where you rank certain acts of love to discover your love language. It’s an enlightening exercise for the whole family.