Are you the opponent, teammate, spectator, or coach?

April 30, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Source: soccerfieldss.com

In every sport there are the opponents, teammates, spectators, and coaches. Imagine your life as a sporting event. What role do you play? Are you the opponent, teammate, spectator, or coach?

If you’ve read my blog for any length of time, you likely know what the answer should be, but let’s examine them all.

The opponent

When it is the parent’s job to monitor the child’s actions, attitudes, and beliefs, it is far too easy to become the child’s opponent. In many ways, you have differing attitudes and goals. With opposing viewpoints, you become the opponent.

Particularly in power struggles, specifically a “battle of wills,” it is easy for the parent to take on an opposing stance, thus becoming the opponent.

My husband and I have fallen into this trap, establishing an attitude of “us vs. them” or “parents vs. children” in our home. Do not become your child’s opponent. You will quickly find yourselves at odds, and you stack the deck against yourselves. Coming to an agreement on attitudes and beliefs with a child who sees you as his opponent is difficult to say the least.

The teammate

The Ezzos and I take a very firm stance that not only is the child not to be the center of the home, but more than this, the child is not to stand on equal footing with the parent. The child is not the parent’s friend or peer. Parents must hold a position of authority over the child. Parents must avoid establishing a democracy in the home.

As your child’s teammate, you are not his opponent, but you lack the authority to guide and direct his actions and attitudes. Imagine two teammates on a soccer field. They work together toward the same objective, passing the ball between each other to get the ball in the net. But neither player has the authority to direct the other’s actions.

The spectator

No professional sporting even can exist without its fans. But let me assure you, there are no spectators in the sport of parenting. Children need parents to actively participate in their lives, not stand back and watch. I have discussed the importance of preventing behavior problems in our children. If you act as a spectator, you are essentially waiting to see how your child will behave. You are then left to deal with behavior problems after they happen. If you find yourself in a spectator role, stand up and join the game.

The coach

If this was your guess, you’re right. You want to be your child’s coach. You are your child’s teacher, even after you have sent him off to school. You hold authority over your child to train him, teach him, hold him to a standard (hopefully a high one), set limits, redirect or correct him when problems arise, stand in support of the child, and offer encouragement and praise where it’s due.

Evaluate your role

Take a minute to step back and evaluate your role in the game of life. If you see yourself as your child’s opponent, teammate, or spectator, take that as your cue to work on your relationship. Change your course and do all that you can to solidify your position as your child’s coach in life.

Filed Under: parenting philosophy Tagged With: , ,

Use the power of encouragement

April 11, 2012 By 2 Comments

Just last night, my oldest, William, demonstrated very clearly the power of encouragement. It’s fitting since my last post talked about using your relationship (love and encouragement) to motivate children to obey.

Here’s the story. Earlier in the day, the house had gotten to be quite a mess, and I needed to find a way to motivate my kids to clean up. As funny (or sad) as it sounds, the sun was finally out, and I wanted this cleanup job to happen very quickly. (Here in Seattle we need to get outside the minute the sun comes out.) So I told them I would set the timer for 10 minutes and they needed to clean up as much as they could without stopping (or stopping to complain).

After the playroom was clean, we moved upstairs to clean bedrooms. Again, I set the timer. This was all great encouragement, but when I passed by William’s room, he was cleaning very intently. In fact, he was in the process of neatly folding his pajamas and putting them on top of his dresser. He was very deliberate about it. I told him what a great job he was doing.

He also earned extra marbles for the great job he did. (We have a marble system that enables them to trade one marble for 10 minutes on the iPad or iPhone.) Lucas got three marbles for cleaning up, and I was sure to tell him that he would have earned more if he hadn’t complained. William did such a great job that I gave him five marbles. (Understand that they only earned marbles after the fact, so it was a reward, not a bribe.)

This was all so great, but I’m not done yet. Later that night, I sent William upstairs to get started getting ready for bed. He knew he needed to take his vitamins, brush teeth, and get in the shower. By the time I got upstairs, he was in the shower. What put a smile on my face were his clothes, folded ever so neatly and placed in a pile on my bed. They went right in the hamper anyway, but usually, he leaves them in a heap on the bathroom floor.

Plus, he had set the egg timer that was sitting on top of my dresser. When he got out of the shower, he checked and found that he had 10 minutes left. He had challenged himself to get ready for bed before the timer went off (much like our timed cleanup job).

It’s so refreshing to me to see that just a small amount of encouragement (verbal praise and a few marbles) can have such great power to motivate my kids. Try something similar in your home and see if you get the same results.

Filed Under: prevention Tagged With:

Does your child have motivation to obey?

April 9, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Source: parentinghopes.com

Do you give your child enough of a motivation to obey? I’m not talking about reward charts and potty training incentives. I’m talking about your relationship.

Yes, our children should obey (the first time) because we expect them to. We expect them to obey our word. But when that obedience isn’t happening, we should ask ourselves whether the child has enough motivation.

When you spend your days angry and frustrated by your child’s behavior, imagine how he feels. He spends his days with an angry, frustrated mom who does nothing to encourage or show love for him. He spends more time in timeout than playing, being silly, or being loved. Sometimes, in these times of frustration, mom’s expectations are unreasonable and unfair. Mom’s inconsistency complicates the matter.

Our children will rise to whatever expectation we set for them. But they must have motivation to do so. If they’re not feeling loved or encouraged, they’re not going to go out of their way to please us. If they expect that we’ll be disappointed, they figure they may as well not even try.

It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The child misbehaves. You’re disappointed. He misbehaves some more. You’re all the more disappointed. You try to buckle down, eventually setting inconsistent, unrealistic expectations. The child is exacerbated and misbehaves more. Weeks or months go on like this, and the child loses all motivation.

Who will be the first to break the cycle? The parent, I hope. The child is a child and is only following the path you set for him. If you find yourself in a cycle like this, consider tossing aside all of your discipline for a day or two. Cancel all meetings, play dates, etc. Just be in the moment with your child and do all you can to show your love. Be silly. Go on walks. Let him stop at every twig and leaf that interests him. Go out for ice cream. Snuggle while reading books.

Don’t think of these things as rewards for his misbehavior. Think of them as the necessary lifeblood for your relationship. Inject life and love back into your relationship. Lay that foundation of love and encouragement, and then if he continues to misbehave you can correct in love, not frustration.

Always remember that our ultimate goal is not perfect obedience, but a loving relationship between parent and child. Parenting is nothing without a child who wants to please us. Lose that and you lose everything. So do all you can to encourage obedience, but always make sure your child is motivated to please you.

Filed Under: prevention Tagged With: , ,

Dads are parents too

March 14, 2012 By Leave a Comment

New Daddy

It’s Babywise Blog Network Week! All week, we’ll be featuring blog posts from other Babywise-friendly blogs. The schedule is as follows:

·     Monday: Valerie Plowman, Chronicles of a Babywise Mom 
·     Tuesday: Maureen Monfore, Childwise Chat 
·     Wednesday: Hank Osborne, Daddy Life
·     Thursday: Rachel Rowell, My Baby Sleep Guide
·     Friday: Bethany Lynch, The Graceful Mom 

Help us promote solidarity within the Babywise/Ezzo community by subscribing to these blogs.

______________________________________

By Hank Osborne from DaddyLife.net

There is no greater calling for a man than that of being a husband and then a father. Dad has a responsibility to love, protect, and provide for the family. The Daddy Life podcast and blog was created to help dads fulfill those responsibilities and more. The choices a dad makes directly affect the future of the family, the community, the nation, and the world. Our society often portrays parenting to be a spectator sport for dads. This is unfortunate and yet is too often an accurate description. Some kids grow up with their dads not even being fans of parenting at all given the overwhelming evidence available as listed in The Father Factor. It doesn’t have to be this way and it shouldn’t. Parenting works best as a team sport rather than as a solo sport or a tag-team sport.

If you read enough material authored by Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo you will learn very fast that they put a premium on the husband-wife relationship. Mr. Ezzo goes as far as to say that you will only be as good of a parent as you are a spouse. I agree with this and encourage you to work to keep your marriage strong. This will be a great live demonstration for your children while also keeping you and your spouse tuned in to each other during this parenting journey and for when your children are grown.

There are some other things that dads in particular need to be intentional about that will help him maintain his role as a key player in parenting. The following are four out of the eight items that Gary Ezzo calls The Father’s Mandate:

1. A father must give his children the freedom to fail. Your children need the freedom to fail–in front of dad. So many adults are haunted by the fact that they feel like they could never live up to their dad’s expectations. Achievement and relationships are areas that every person will experience failure. Dad’s job is to help them find the good in those failures so their kids can learn and move on.

2. A father must be the encourager of the family. We’re not just talking about encouraging words but a spirit of encouragement. Dads can leave little notes for the kids in their lunch boxes telling them you love and are thinking about them. Dads can write a letter each year on their child’s birthday telling them how much the child means to them. How many of us wish we had just one single letter like this from our dads? Ladies, remind your husbands about this one!

3. A father must guard his tongue and his tone and learn to measure his response against the excitement on their faces. Mr. Ezzo does such a great job explaining this one. In Daddy Life podcast episode 17 I included a clip of him telling a story about how he learned the importance of this mandate in his own home. It had to do with the 1980s and his wife and daughters getting “perms” for the first time. I promise, you will laugh out loud at this one. Dads and moms need think before they speak. Keep in mind that your kids might be trying to be helpful. They might be following instructions given by the other parent. Try to understand the context of the situation before responding too quickly.

4. A father must routinely embrace his children. This sounds so simple, but it can be difficult, particularly for some dads who are not the hugging type. Mom’s hugs most often provide a feeling of comfort and love. Dad’s hugs deliver feelings of security and safety. Dads of girls need to be sure they do not change how they treat their daughters in this area when their bodies begin to mature. Don’t be afraid of your girls just because their bodies are changing. Continue to show them love in the same way, otherwise you might be setting them up to look for that safety and security in someone else’s arms. I recently had a guest (Stacy Ratliff) on the Daddy Life podcast. He is the father of three teen girls and he reemphasized this one during the interview.

So those are some of the macro-level things for dads and even moms to work on. I want to wrap this post up with a short scenario and some tips to help dads remain a team player in the parenting journey on a day-to-day basis.

These are the ways I’ve learned over the years to help me become more of a team player.

Do your Couch Time! – Yes it IS that important.

If dad has a job situation that allows for occasional calls from mom, then show an interest and give your wife the freedom to call when she needs input from you. This is a way to engage in the game of life with your wife and children when needed. Occasionally things have happened that prompted my wife to call me at work during the day to ask my opinion on how to respond. It might have been a behavior issue, a feeding/nursing problem, or even a health issue that she wanted a different perspective on before taking action. It makes me feel valuable when she truly wants my input in a problem area. My wife is in the trenches solo from the time she gets up until I get home in the evening. She has found herself in situations where she couldn’t see the forest because of the trees. My wife knows that she can call me. Dads should be willing to take these calls.

We have learned from the Ezzos to be thinking parents, and to do this effectively as a team we need to agree to a game plan. That means we need to regularly communicate so that neither of us are making important decisions in a vacuum and we are both working off of the same game plan. Call your wife on the way home from work. This helps you to know what your wife is working on with each of your kids and what the issues of the day might be. Mom sometimes needs to alter the game plan a little to work on a specific behavior issue and dad can undo all the ground that has been gained in that area by giving different consequences (or none at all) when he comes home. Know what the issues are, what encouragement or discipline is being used, and be ready to reinforce it when you get home.

Choose what you listen to on the way home carefully. It should be something that would help you transition out of your workday. Also be ready to turn your work off so to speak. This may require a few minutes at home to change clothes and regroup before fully engaging with your wife and the kids. Let your wife know what you need when you come through the door at the end of the day.

Be fully involved. Pick a single sport game to watch during the weekend and then turn off the TV. If you like to watch a sport with your kid(s) then record it and watch it with your child later when you can fast forward through the commercials. If you are anything like me you don’t want your little ones watching commercials for Hardees’s, Victoria Secret, or GoDaddy just to name a few.

Take a child with you when running errands. My oldest is beginning to realize that riding along to the big box store is not always the most fun for him, but the younger ones don’t care what you are doing with them as long as you are together. My oldest is getting to a point where he wants to have input into what we do when we spend time one-on-one.

Take care of all of the kids solo. Let your wife go out for a day or even a weekend. You will not do things perfect and the house might be a wreck by the time the weekend is over, but give your wife a break. Walk a day in her shoes. You will get a whole new appreciation for the job she performs while you are off “killing it and dragging it home”. You will gain a whole new level of respect from your wife by even attempting this one. Call in a grandparent for reinforcements if necessary, but at least give it a try once in a while.

Dads are parents and they should act like it. Be weird. Be different. Be more than just a biological father to your children. Be a Daddy.

Filed Under: parenting philosophy, prevention Tagged With: , ,

Do you enjoy your child?

March 9, 2012 By 3 Comments

Source: theparentfairy.blogspot.com

How’s that for a loaded question? I think it’s important for all parents to ask themselves this question every now and then. Yes, we go through struggles with our children. Yes, they often do their best to push our buttons and test boundaries. But on the whole, we should be enjoying the time we spend with our children.

If your answer to this question is an unequivocal no, it is your cue that you need to change your parenting methods. Do be honest with yourself when you ask yourself this question. Nobody else needs to know. Have your spouse ask himself the same question, especially if you see struggles between him and the child.

Understand that the onus to change your situation falls on you. If you don’t enjoy your child, do not blame the child. Children will very happily comply with our instructions when we are clear and consistent. You might find this very encouraging. It’s all under your control!

Take the steps you need to take to change the atmosphere in your home. Keep your eye on the goal (a happy, loving relationship with your child), and do the work it takes to get yourselves there.

Here are some ideas:

1)    Read, read, read. Learn all you can about different parenting methods.

2)    Talk to older, wiser parents. Learn from their experiences.

3)    Take a parenting class with your spouse. Ask around at local churches to see where you might find a Growing Kids God’s Way class.

4)    Step back and evaluate your attitude. Are you too lax? Too strict? Yes, children need to be corrected, but don’t make your life more difficult by focusing on behaviors that make a child a child. Choose your battles.

5)    Make sure you have all the basics under your belt. Work on good eating and sleeping habits. Practice couch time and avoid child-centered parenting.

6)    Do all that you can to prevent misbehaviors. Don’t wait for the child to misbehave before you act.

7)    If you have the basics under control, work on first-time obedience. You can learn more in my eBook, Live in Harmony with First-Time Obedience. It will take work to train your child in first-time obedience, but the payoff is so worth it.

Always remember your goal. If you ever need encouragement to continue your work in parenting, remember that you are working on developing a happy, loving relationship with your child. Remind yourself of that sweet little soul you saw when he was a baby or toddler. Stare at him while he sleeps. Trust that his sweet spirit will reemerge. He wants to be that sweet little child; he just needs your help to get there.

Filed Under: miscellaneous Tagged With: , , ,

Live in Harmony with First-Time Obedience. New eBook!

December 7, 2011 By 4 Comments

Have you always wanted to teach your children first-time obedience but you’ve never been sure where to begin? Let my new eBook, Live in Harmony with First-Time Obedience, teach you how.

I am very proud to announce the release of my new eBook! Several months ago, I realized that it might help parents to have one easy-to-read, digital source for advice on teaching first-time obedience. After many hours and late nights, it’s now a reality!

After reading through my own posts on the topic of first-time obedience, I decided that there were several holes in my teaching that needed to be filled. So I am excited to offer this eBook, which covers just about every idea I’ve had about training children in first-time obedience. The 112-page eBook serves as a great complement to the Parent Wise books from Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo.

In Live in Harmony with First-Time Obedience, you’ll learn how to:

  • Rid your home of tantrums, whining, complaining and negotiating
  • Train your children to be respectful and obedient
  • Create peace and harmony in your home so you can enjoy your children again
  • Work on obedience while they’re young and the stakes are low
  • Reduce the stress that comes with parenting young children
  • Achieve a balanced life of love and learning with your children

Gary Ezzo himself has endorsed the eBook:

One of the most important parenting tasks is helping children learn to obey. This eBook offers practical advice for parents in the throes of obedience training and is high on my recommended reading list. ~ Gary Ezzo

Get your copy of Live in Harmony with First-Time Obedience while it’s on sale! Until January 9, 2012, it will be available for just $6.99! That’s 30% off the original price!

Click on the graphic below to learn more about the eBook and to download a sample of the eBook. Have a look before you buy.

If you like what you see, consider becoming an affiliate. Earn 30% of the purchase price for every buyer you refer. Read more.

 

Filed Under: first-time obedience, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Love languages

January 14, 2011 By 2 Comments

Do you know your child’s love language? One of my favorite aspects of the Ezzo books is their discussion of love languages. The idea is fully explored in a separate book, The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell, but it is a philosophy the Ezzos endorse. As parents, it is our job to learn how our kids express and receive love and to love them according to their unique love language.

The concept applies to any age. Have you ever given someone a gift and received a lackluster response? Has your spouse ever complained about not feeling loved while you feel like all you do is show him love? Everybody communicates and receives love in different ways. No way is better or worse. The key is knowing the specific love languages of your loved ones.

Here’s a basic rundown of the five love languages and ways to recognize them in your child:

Words of encouragement

Words of encouragement means exactly that. Someone with this love language expresses love by offering words of praise. Examples include:

  • That dress looks great on you.
  • I loved the way you helped your brother today.
  • You do a great job of showing your best manners at the table.

This might be your child’s love language if he is regularly giving you and others words of encouragement.

Acts of service

Some people communicate love by doing for others. If your spouse goes out of his way to do things for you, acts of service is likely his love language. Examples:

  • Your spouse puts gas in your car without you asking.
  • You make a special dinner for your family.
  • Your spouse puts the children to bed while telling you to rest.

Children express acts of service by helping you out with chores. Do you find your child helping you sweep, wanting to help fold clothes or do an extra-special job putting away his toys?

Gift-giving

Often a simple gesture, giving gifts is a way to express love. Examples include:

  • Your spouse brings home a souvenir from a business trip.
  • Your dad spontaneously brings home flowers for your mom throughout the year.
  • Your spouse’s eyes light up when you give him a gift.

Think of gifts from a child as something that has value to him, not necessarily to you. Sharing his dessert, drawing a special picture and wrapping up a toy can be signs that gift-giving is your child’s love language.

Quality time

Quality time requires that you invest yourself in the other person by offering your undivided attention. Do you find your spouse complaining that you don’t spend enough time together, while you think you do everything together? The key is making sure that time is quality time. Examples:

  • Your spouse turns off the TV and asks you sit next to him.
  • You plan a special date night.
  • You spouse is thrilled with the idea of couch time.

For a child, spending quality time together means doing his favorite things with him or taking him out for some one-on-one time. You might recognize this in your child if he often asks you to play with him.

My oldest, William, loves his quality time. Before his brother was born, he was always asking me to play. Now, they are each other’s best friends. I’ve also discovered that timeouts are really effective with him because he hates to be alone.

Physical touch and closeness

Physical touch is simple to understand. Yet, this love language also includes spending time together in the same room. Different from quality time, it doesn’t matter what you are doing as long as you are together. Examples:

  • You’re reading a book and decide to go sit in the same room with your spouse.
  • Your spouse doesn’t want to watch the show you’re watching, and rather than leave the room, he will bring his newspaper and sit with you.
  • Your child wants you to sit with him while he does his homework.

This love language is easy to spot in children. They tend to be overly affectionate and easily respond to any touch. My little one, Lucas, is this way. He would hug and kiss me all day if I let him. If I play with his hair or rub his neck, he goes into a little trance. So cute.

There are a few things to keep in mind with love languages:

  • Some people have one or two love languages. Usually, one takes priority over another, but both should be considered.
  • Some parents can’t recognize a child’s love language until they are age 5 or older.
  • Sometimes our loved ones know our love language better than we do ourselves.

There is a whole series of books on love languages by Gary Chapman. Plus, the Growing Kids God’s Way book includes a test where you rank certain acts of love to discover your love language. It’s an enlightening exercise for the whole family.

Filed Under: parenting philosophy, prevention Tagged With: ,