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What I’m Reading: “A Parent’s Guide to Gifted Children,” Introduction, Part 1
This book is so full of important content that I’m going to have to break it down. Here is part one of my discussion about the Introduction of A Parent’s Guide to Gifted Children.
The main idea of the Introduction of A Parent’s Guide to Gifted Children is that parenting gifted children is a lonely experience, fraught with misunderstanding. The misunderstanding stems, in part, from the fact that society believes that the life of a gifted child is a walk in the park. It’s true that the gifted child may have an easier time with academics, but a unique set of challenges make life more difficult than you might think.
Parents are important
Despite the many challenges that highly capable children face, a solid home foundation can make the difference between surviving or thriving. Read more about my take on family stability. When building that foundation parents must address the many emotional issues the gifted child faces and also act as an advocate for the child at school.
“Where there are insufficient educational opportunities, parents can provide enrichment and negotiate with schools to help ensure that there is a match between the educational program and the child’s interests, abilities, and motivation to learn,” (A Parent’s Guide to Gifted Children, p. xvi).
There was a time when I believed that there was no point to providing William with extra enrichment. I figured I would just be pushing him even more ahead of his peers academically. But I have since changed my tune. He is so very inquisitive and enthusiastic about everything he learns. I would hate for that flame to die simply because I chose not to meet his needs. I feel fortunate that we can afford a private school where he can read 3-4 grade levels ahead, do math that is a year ahead and be challenged in many more ways than I can count.
Parenting a gifted child is a lonely experience
While parents play a particularly key role in the life of a gifted child, few parents are aware that certain characteristics including intensity, sensitivity, perfectionism, less need for sleep and allergies are typical and more frequent among gifted children. These traits make parenting all the more difficult.
It was only a year or so ago that I figured this out. We have dealt with all of these issues (plus sensory processing disorder and the blood sugar roller coaster), but I had no idea they were related to giftedness. It was at birth that William first exhibited his sleeplessness. That first night in the hospital, I was exhausted but he was wide awake. I remember asking the nurse if it was okay that I go to sleep! To this day (he’s now 7), he takes melatonin every night because he can’t quiet his brain well enough to go to sleep.
Unfortunately, parents of other children are rarely sympathetic to the unique needs of the gifted child. The prevailing idea is that parents of gifted children are exaggerating their child’s successes or putting undue academic pressure on the child.
I feel guilty about the fact that I once bought into this portrayal of the gifted child. I figured that a truly gifted child doesn’t act or look like a typical child at all. Looking back, I realize that William (a fairly typical child) exhibited gifted traits that I didn’t even recognize for what they were.
Before the age of 2, William seemed to want to learn his letters. I didn’t push it and, in fact, wanted him to learn through play. But he would ask me to name letters, and he identified them so easily that it became a game. We were playing once at Starbucks (they had wall art made of stories written in capital letters), and a stranger commented on it, calling it “impressive.” Of course, the comment put a smile on my face, but even after seeing it from a stranger’s perspective, I didn’t think that William was all that different from other kids. It wasn’t until a few months ago, many years after this incident, that I started to wonder about giftedness.
Myths about gifted children
The misunderstanding gifted children and their parents face is fostered by myths of them portrayed in the media.
“The media, for example, often portray gifted children as pint-size oddities—geniuses who can solve amazingly difficult math problems, or play a musical instrument like a virtuoso, or go to college at age 12, and do nothing but read, practice, or study all day.
“Another myth, particularly common among educators, is that gifted children do not need any special help, because if they are so bright, they can surely develop their abilities on their own. Still another misconception is that gifted children are those children who do well academically in school or in a particular talent area, which leaves out those who are potentially gifted and currently underachieving. …
“Some gifted children are good in many areas; others are gifted in only one or two areas, such as math or science,” (A Parent’s Guide to Gifted Children, p. xvii).
Below is a list of common myths surrounding gifted children. It’s a long list, but each one is important to consider when forming opinions about the gifted children in our lives.
- Gifted children are usually gifted in all academic areas.
- Giftedness is wholly inborn.
- Giftedness is entirely a matter of hard work.
- All children are gifted.
- Children become gifted because their parents push them.
- Gifted children will become eminent adults.
- Gifted children seldom have learning handicaps.
- Gifted children are not aware that they are somehow different than others.
- If you tell gifted children they have advanced abilities, they will become egotistical.
- Gifted children will show their abilities and talents in their school achievement.
- Gifted children are usually well organized and have good study skills.
- Gifted children will only fulfill their potential if they receive continual pressure.
- Gifted children’s emotional maturity is as advanced as their intellect.
- Gifted children seldom have emotional or interpersonal issues.
- Gifted children enjoy demonstrating their talents and abilities for others.
- Families always value their gifted children’s advanced abilities, intensity and sensitivity.
- Gifted children are easier to raise than most children.
- Parents cannot identify giftedness in their own children.
- Educators will know exactly how to work with gifted children.
- (A Parent’s Guide to Gifted Children, p. xvii-xviii)
What are your thought processes when you meet a gifted child? Do you believe the child to be naturally gifted or do you feel that the parents are exaggerating the child’s abilities? Now that I’ve educated myself about giftedness, it feels good to do my part to dispel these myths. Please do the same as you read these posts!
First-time obedience: first things first
First-time obedience (FTO) is a phrase you commonly hear in Babywise parenting circles. But what exactly does it mean? It’s really quite simple to understand. First-time obedience means your child obeys your instruction the first time, no questions asked.
First-time obedience is important for many reasons including:
- It sets clear expectations for the child.
- If you teach obedience, you don’t have to teach anything else.
- It helps you decide when a correction is necessary; disobedience is disobedience.
- It teaches your child to obey your word and not rely on bribes or rewards for motivation.
- It teaches your child to submit to your authority and adopt an attitude of submission when obedience is required.
- When your life is not fraught with disobedience, your days are happier and your relationship with your child grows stronger.
- If you teach moral values (through obedience) when he’s little, you give yourselves many years of a trusting, loving relationship.
What does first-time obedience look like?
First-time obedience is a fairly simple to identify. Here’s what it looks like:
- Your child responds to the call of his name with “yes, mommy”.
- Your child gives you eye contact when you call his name.
- Your child immediately complies with any instruction you give, whether it’s putting his shoes on or cleaning his room.
- Your child obeys with an attitude of submission and a happy heart.
What does first-time obedience NOT look like?
Would your child be characterized by first-time obedience? Be honest with yourself. Do any of the following go on in your home?
- Your child ignores you when you call his name. Or worse, he runs away when you call.
- You repeat your instruction 50 times before he complies. (This is 50th-time obedience!)
- Your child counts on your inconsistency and will keep pushing the envelope to find out how serious you are.
- Your child whines or talks back when you give an instruction. If it worked once before, it might just work again.
- You offer threat after threat to get your child to comply.
- You count to three in a threatening tone when your child doesn’t comply.
- You bribe your child with stickers, marbles, pennies, or promises for ice cream to get him to obey.
- You guilt your child into complying with your instructions.
- You beg your child to obey.
- You and your child end the day frustrated and stressed out.
Don’t worry if you recognize any of these scenarios. I’ve been there and I’m here to help!
First things first: Ezzo fundamentals
By now you’re probably convinced of the value of first-time obedience. It’s so very promising for us as parents and for the moral and ethical health of our children. Now, are you ready to put in the effort to make it a reality?
The first thing you need to do as you attempt to instill first-time obedience in your child is forget the idea altogether. Yes, you heard me right. Set it aside for now. There is a much bigger foundation you must lay before your FTO work can even begin. I realize that it’s tempting to jump into first-time obedience training with both feet, but I promise that it will be much more difficult if you don’t implement the Ezzo fundamentals first.
Make your marriage a priority
What does your marriage have to do with parenting? Everything. If you have read any of the Ezzos’ books, then you are no stranger to the idea that the marriage must come first. As Ezzo says in On Becoming Childwise, “Great marriages make great parents,” (page 43). Your marriage is the ground upon which your child stands. Practice couch time to proactively show your child that you value your marriage. Also be sure to maintain your roles as husband and wife, not just mom and dad.
Avoid child-centered parenting
Too often, once a child is brought into the marriage, parents focus extensively on the child. Though it is often done in the name of good parenting, child-centered parenting actually does more harm than good. Instead of integrating the child into the family as a welcome member of the family, they make the child the center of their world. This creates within the child a false sense of self-reliance. The child becomes wise in his own eyes and attitude issues run rampant.
Schedule your child’s day
When you direct your child’s activities, you drastically reduce the risk that he will be bored and stir up trouble. Create a daily schedule that includes activities like nap time, quiet reading time, independent play time (room time or playpen time), sibling play time, outside time, and more.
Establish your funnel
Envision a funnel or inverted cone. At the bottom, the opening is narrow. This represents the freedoms you allow your child when he is young. As he grows (in maturity and chronologically), you increase those freedoms. Keep your child in that funnel. Don’t allow your two-year-old to roam the house at will or require your 12-year-old to keep his hand on the cart at the grocery store. Make sure freedoms are age-appropriate and award new freedoms based on responsibility, not age.
Say what you mean; mean what you say
Trite as they may be, these eight simple words have great power over your first-time obedience training. The underlying principle of “say what you mean; mean what you say” is that you clearly communicate to your child what you expect of him and follow through on every word you say. Take your time before you speak and be sure that whatever you say are words you can stand by. The Ezzos say, “Never give a command unless you intend for it to be obeyed,” (Growing Kids God’s Way, p. 126.)
Teach your child to ask for permission
If you have a child who roams the house or goes into the backyard at will, you will greatly benefit from this simple technique. Having your child ask for permission stops behavior problems in their tracks! You can even teach a non-verbal child to do the sign for “please” to ask for permission.
Encourage and love your child
There are parents who feel that they desperately need first-time obedience because they spend their days yelling at and barking orders at their children. Frustration is the name of the game. These parents often skip to the discipline section of the book in an attempt to nip behavior problems in the bud. But let me be clear: love and encouragement go a LONG way toward improving your child’s behavior. So be sure to encourage through praise, spontaneous rewards, physical affection, and goal incentives; and speak your child’s love language to make sure he is receiving your love. Most important, enjoy and have fun with your child!
Be intentional in your parenting
Planning and intent are key to establishing first-time obedience:
- Start as you mean to go on. Don’t start a habit you won’t want to continue.
- Read, read, read!
- Understand why you do what you do. Ignore parenting experts whose theories don’t make sense to you. (Many of them offer only short-term fixes anyway.)
- Create a discipline plan and decide on consequences ahead of time.
- Work with your spouse to identify the values you wish to instill in your children.
- Identify the behaviors you’d like to see in your children. Set the bar high but also be realistic in your expectations!
- Keep your attitude in check. Find a tone that communicates that you want your child to succeed in first-time obedience, but that you hold authority over him if he doesn’t.
- Be sure you understand the difference between childishness and foolishness. Always give your child the benefit of the doubt if you’re unsure.
- Model for your child what you expect from him. Avoid hypocrisy at all costs.
- You are your child’s teacher. Never forget that all discipline takes place to teach a lesson.
Don’t forget attitude
External compliance is great but it’s not our ultimate goal. Compliance with a happy, submissive heart is our ultimate goal. If your child complies with your instruction but sulks off after, make him do it over. Discipline for attitude just as much as you would for behavior problems.
Begin first-time obedience training
Once this all-important foundation has been laid, you can move on to your first-time obedience training. Understand that first-time obedience is a skill your child needs to learn. It will be difficult at first, especially if your child is used to ignoring you, but the payoff will be so rewarding.
Stay tuned for specifics on first-time obedience training. In the meantime, explore the links above to learn more about each layer of your parenting foundation.
Babywise bloggers network
I’m excited to announce that two other Babywise bloggers and I are uniting to form a network to promote a positive perception of Babywise and its principles.
Why unite?
If you are blissfully unaware of the negative perception of Babywise (and all of the Ezzo books), then kudos to you! Stay that way! But unfortunately, many of us have, at one time or another, encountered parents who are adamantly opposed to Babywise and all that it stands for.
What’s most unfortunate of all is that these Babywise-haters are propagating their opinions despite a misunderstanding of what Babywise is about. It’s possible they have encountered one or two Babywise parents who followed the book too literally, but let me assure you, those parents represent a very small percentage of Babywise parents. Most of us have very happy, healthy, well-rested babies.
So we are here to stand together and help well-meaning parents understand the true nature of Babywise and how to effectively implement its principles.
Babywise myths
Before I tell you more about the other two Babywise bloggers, let me explain the false claims and be clear about what Babywise stands for.
Myth #1: Babywise babies are hyper-scheduled
Babywise does not implore us to ignore our babies’ and children’s cues in favor of the clock. Yes, the clock does play a role, but the baby’s cues and the parents’ judgment take precedence. The book very clearly states that we are to feed the baby when he’s hungry. Growth spurts must not be ignored.
The schedule also works to the family’s advantage when the child gets older. Rather than allowing a child to find trouble when he’s bored and lacks direction, the schedule helps the parent direct the child’s activities and keep him preoccupied so boredom and misbehavior don’t result.
Myth #2: Babywise babies are left to cry excessively
While there are many Babywise parents who do let their children cry in their sleep-training endeavors, the Babywise-haters tend to think that we let our babies cry for hours on end without listening to their cries and the quality of their cries.
Let me be clear that a parent can most definitely follow Babywise without letting the baby cry it out. In fact, I stand firmly behind the belief that Babywise babies actually cry less than many other babies. Rather than waiting for the baby to cry to communicate his needs and wants, the Babywise mom knows what the baby needs before he needs it.
I remember when my boys were little, William’s eyes would water when he was tired and Lucas would yawn. I didn’t wait for them to cry to tell me it was nap time. My Babywise babies slept well on their own, and as their parents, we made time in their lives for naps (leading to less crying). Plus, we parents were not left to decode the child’s cries. If the schedule shows that it’s feeding time, there’s no confusing the fussiness for sleepiness.
Myth #3: Babywise parents focus on legalistic, punitive discipline
Those who stand against the Ezzo books tend to believe that we are too firm and legalistic in our parenting. Is expecting first-time obedience too much to ask of a child? No! Must we help our children in the pursuit of obedience? Most definitely.
I think the Ezzos would agree with me that you don’t start your obedience training by asking your hungry, tired 4-year-old to mow the lawn and then spank him when he cannot obey. Babywise parents are encouraged to set clear and reasonable expectations, use positive methods of reinforcement, speak the child’s love language, allow a schedule to prevent misbehavior, establish a solid family foundation with the mother and father standing together at the head, and more.
While there are some who do focus too much on corrective measures (probably because they let things go too far for too long and have reached a pinnacle of frustration), the positive elements of the Ezzos’ teachings cannot be ignored.
Set the bar high but use encouragement, modeling and your positive relationship to help the child reach that bar. Read more about training a child in first-time obedience.
Myth #4: Babywise teaches parents to devalue the child
There is a commonly heard phrase in Ezzo circles: “The child is a welcome member of the family but is not the center of it.” The phrase communicates the belief that mom and dad must stand at the center of the family. This is not because the parents are selfish and more powerful than their children. It’s because putting the parents at the center helps to develop a strong family foundation which provides the child with security and a healthy model for love.
It’s true we do not make the child the center of our attention, but this is solely for the benefit of the child. It does nothing to devalue the child. In fact, it does the opposite. Read more on the perils of child-centered parenting.
Babywise bloggers
As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, I am working with the authors of two other Babywise blogs to promote the benefits of Babywise and teach parents how to effectively implement its principles.
Chronicles of a Babywise Mom
Valerie Plowman is the author of Chronicles of a Babywise Mom. Valerie started this blog primarily as a resource for parents implementing the -wise series (written by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam). Over the years, it has grown to include a collection of multiple parenting books, and is now, broadly put, a “parenting blog.” Content includes anything a person might face as a parent. So far as parenting theories go, the -wise series is always her foundation, with strong influences from the Baby Whisperer books and Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child.
Valerie is a stay-at-home mom to three children, ages 6, 4 and 2 and is very passionate about raising children into adults who are service-minded, intelligent, confident, successful in their own right, and loved. Every mother’s dream, right?
My Baby Sleep Guide
Rachel Rowell is the author of My Baby Sleep Guide. As you have probably already guessed, she writes about sleep, particularly how to get more of it! She covers all the bases, from short naps to sleep training to sleeping through the night, and everything in between.
Rachel knows that every baby and every family is different, so she includes information about various sleep training methods so you can find what works best for you and your family. She draws from her own personal experience as a registered nurse and mother of a spirited 3-year-old and adventurous 1-year-old, as well as from a plethora of books and the wisdom of hundreds of moms. Her hope is that her blog will decrease the stress that many parents feel over sleep, so that they can more fully enjoy their sweet little children.
Childwise Chat
If you are new to this blog, let me introduce myself. My name is Maureen Monfore and I am a mom to two boys, ages 7 and 4. My blog, Childwise Chat, is written for parents of toddlers, preschoolers and school-aged children who are interested in the parenting principles originated by Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo. My primary resource is On Becoming Childwise by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam, but I also pull material from Growing Kids God’s Way, On Becoming Toddlerwise and parenting books from other authors. Childwise Chat covers the practical details of teaching the defiant toddler to obey to more philosophical thoughts on big-picture parenting.
Well versed in the many parenting books on the market, I have comfortably settled with the Ezzos. I appreciate that the philosophies are so very balanced. Although they suggest that we set the bar quite high, the books are full of thoughts on encouraging children, passing on our moral values, acting as a teacher, speaking their love languages, and more. And rather than focusing on single subset of parenting, the Ezzos’ books cover every scenario imaginable. Perhaps most importantly, their principles work! They give parents a veritable instruction manual on how to raise well-mannered, morally conscious children.
Tuesday Triumphs: Family stability
On Friday, my husband went to a friend’s house after work, so the kids and I were on our own for dinner and bedtime. I took them out to dinner, and while we were out, I told them that I would need their cooperation since I would be putting them to bed by myself. William looked at me like I had three heads and asked, “How are you going to do that?!”
What makes his comment noteworthy is that not long ago, I put them to bed by myself every night—for six months. My husband was deployed to Afghanistan and just came home in November.
I reminded William of this, and he seemed to remember, but I’m still shocked by his initial reaction. My husband has been home less than four months, which seems like nothing to me, but I suppose in the life of a child, four months is a long time.
But more important is the idea that my kids have bounced back so easily from the deployment. Those six months were definitely a struggle for all of us. We all had times when we missed him terribly. I expected William to have a harder time with it since he’s older and more aware than his brother, but I didn’t expect him to forget about it less than four months later.
The experience tells me that my kids are resilient to any change or difficulty in our lives, and it’s probably because of the stability we have here at home. Despite the change and difficulty that the deployment brought, our family life is very stable.
This circles back to the marriage priority that I have learned from the Ezzo books. Honestly, if I hadn’t been introduced to these books, I never would have thought to make my marriage a priority for the sake of the children. In fact, most parents these days believe they must put the children above all else, including the marriage. Yet, if we make our marriages the priority, we establish firm family stability—for the children.
Feeling grateful
Ever since I started writing these Tuesday Triumphs, I have become all the more aware of how great my kids are and how meaningful the Ezzos’ books have been to my parenting. Yesterday, when I started contemplating what to write about, I couldn’t really think of much. The troubles we’ve had this week seemed to outweigh the good times. But then I was reminded of this one little comment that William made, and not only did it turn into a whole blog post, but it makes me think about the big picture and validates almost everything I’m doing as a parent.
Your opinion?
So I love to write these posts, but of course, I’m not writing for myself. I’d love to get your thoughts on this series. Do you enjoy reading about our triumphs? Are they entertaining? Are they helpful at all? My intentions are to continue blogging about general parenting, but there’s only so much time in the day. Given that I have a limited amount of time to blog, would you prefer that I offer more generic parenting advice and stick to the books, or should I keep going with my Tuesday Triumphs? Are there any topics that you’d like me to blog about?
Let me know what you think! Please leave a comment below.
Tuesday Triumphs: Thinking of others
If there is one lesson that I have learned in my six years of parenting, it’s that my marriage must stand at the center of all parenting decisions. Avoiding child-centered parenting doesn’t always come naturally, but there’s no doubt that it helps us teach our children to think of others and not only of themselves.
The idea is that parents who build their lives around the child can end up with self-centered children. The child learns that his parents and family put his needs above all others. By extension, he learns that his needs and desires are more important than anyone else’s. And while it’s not usually a conscious parenting decision, the child is never taught to think of others.
Babywise parents, on the other hand, are taught to build their family identity with their children, not around their children. There is a common saying among Ezzo circles: the child is a welcome member of the family but is not the center of it.
Now on to my Tuesday Triumph. Just yesterday, after pulling a muscle in my back over the weekend, I was in pretty severe pain all morning. I had to push through because I had to get William off to school. I winced and whimpered my way through a shower, and when it came time to get them both dressed and fed, I told them that I would need their help.
Initially, I wasn’t expecting much of a change in their behavior. They typically try to squeeze in every minute of play they can get before we head off to school. But both kids seemed genuinely concerned and immediately responded to my request for help. William helped me make their breakfast and pack his lunch. And Lucas was particularly obedient with every request I made of him. I could even see a change in his eyes.
The experience offered subtle evidence that putting my marriage first has paid off. I’m happy to see that at the young ages of three and six, they are well on their way to learning that they must think of others before themselves.
Teach the value of others
This is my final post on child-centered parenting. Here I will discuss one of the most fundamental consequences of making your child the center of your family: selfishness. In my previous post on the topic, I said:
“Child-centered parenting fosters innate selfishness and reduces the significance of morality. The child often feels he is above morality.”
The child rules
The fundamental idea behind child-centered parenting is that the child has all the power in the family. The child decides what he wants to do and when he wants to do it. The child decides what he will eat and how he will dress. The child decides how he will treat others. Giving the child so much power at such a young age encourages selfishness. It encourages the child to think only of himself.
Two sides of the coin: me vs. we
There are two important factors when it comes to selfishness. Not only is the selfish child only concerned with himself, but he also has little regard for others. On the “me” side of the equation, the selfish child is most concerned about his own needs and wants. More importantly, on the “we” side of the equation, he won’t let others stand in his way when satisfying those needs and wants. While selfishness should be discouraged, the lack of concern for others is most damaging. When you juxtapose the two, you see the difference:
- Selfish: Hordes his toys.
- Disregard for others: Steals toys.
- Selfish: Is consumed by the idea of getting gifts (especially at birthdays and Christmas).
- Disregard for others: Shows no appreciation to the giver or for the act of giving.
- Selfish: Always wants to win.
- Disregard for others: Will cheat at a game of Candyland and even gloat about his win.
Morality becomes a non-issue
One of the most dangerous effects of a lack of concern for others is that it makes morality unimportant. When a child is only concerned with himself and his own needs, morality becomes a non-issue. The child disregards any moral directives that are opposed to his own beliefs and desires. For example,
- A child who has little loyalty to others will see no harm in lying.
- A child who doesn’t consider the dominion of others will have no problem stealing.
- A child who feels he is above “the system” (school, work, etc.) will cheat the system.
For this child, his own wants and needs take precedence over any moral direction he may receive. Those around him may attempt to teach morality, but if the basic concern for others is not there, the moral teachings simply won’t take hold.
What can a parent do?
The best way to teach morality to your child is to teach him to value others. And the best way to teach him to value others is to show him that he is not the center of the universe. Teach him that everyone in our lives holds a special place in our hearts and that they are to be valued and accepted for who they are (not for what they offer). Show him that the actions he commits against others damage the relationships that we have with those people. Teach him that if we want to be cared for, we must care for others.
Here are some ideas you can use in your daily life to encourage your child to value others:
- Model the behavior you want to see in your child. Don’t lie, cheat or steal. Even the smallest transgression will get noticed.
- Teach your child how to interact with others by sharing, taking turns, being honest, etc.
- Encourage your child to thank others for any act of kindness.
- Let your child lose at a game of Candyland. Teach him how to lose gracefully.
- Teach him the value of playing by the rules. Let him make the mistake of breaking a rule and receiving the consequence. Don’t bail him out or make excuses for him.
- Show him through your words and actions that adults and others in authority are to be respected.
- Teach him how to handle disappointment by saying no to his requests. The earlier he learns this the better off he will be.
Almost any experience in your child’s life can be a lesson in the value of others. Use it to your advantage.
Teach the value of relationships
Here is another post on the effects of child-centered parenting. In my original post on the subject, I mentioned how child-centered parenting teaches children to value relationships only as a means to an end. In that post, I said:
“Child-centered parenting creates a child who develops relationships only for what they offer.”
This is one of the scariest and most damaging effects of child-centered parenting. When a family builds its whole identity around the child and gives all the power to the child, he learns that people are there simply to cater to him. This results in:
- An inability to develop loving, loyal relationships
- Innate selfishness that is encouraged not discouraged
- The inability to please those around him
- A lack of family loyalty
- Morality taught by peers not parents
- An inability to manage in the real world with those who don’t cater to him
Child-centered parents train their child to take but not to give. They wrongly believe that if they show the child how to give, he will naturally become a giver. But this just doesn’t happen. The child only becomes more intense in his determination to take from others.
When a child is taught that he is the center of the universe, friends, parents and siblings play a peripheral role in the child’s life. The child only invests in a relationship if there is something for him to get from it. The child is loyal to no one and lives a life of selfish independence.
This can begin in infancy and extend through the teen years. Permissive parents will run to their baby’s every whimper and feed him every 30 minutes if that’s what he “demands”. Toddlers teach their parents to chase after them and clean up their messes. School-age children develop an attitude, demanding their parents to satisfy their every want. Teenagers remove themselves from the family almost entirely and no longer need their parents for much more than food and shelter.
Imagine a teenager who has sorted out who provides the things he needs and wants:
- Dad: clothes, allowance, a roof over my head
- Mom: food, clean laundry and rides to social events
- Siblings: nothing but headaches
- Friend #1: increased social status
- Friend #2: someone to talk to when everyone else is busy
- Friend #3: help with homework
It’s ironic that those who seek to develop an emotional attachment to their children are doing the exact opposite. Permissive parents work to create a strong bond with their child by fulfilling their every desire. But by doing so, these parents are teaching their child that satisfying your needs and desires is more important than love, loyalty and friendship.
Plus, the child who is driven by his selfish desires is not pleasant to be around. If this child sees no benefit from interacting with certain people, he will ignore them or treat them with contempt.
Even worse, when a child sees no value in developing relationships, his family loyalty is nonexistent. As he gets older and spends more time his peers, his loyalty shifts from his family to his peers. Then his peers become the people who influence the child’s morality. And when your child is more influenced by his peers than he is by you, you have no effect on the adult he will become.
Ultimately, this child is ill prepared for the real world where teachers, bosses, coworkers and others do not cater to him like mom and dad do. Life then becomes frustratingly difficult, filled with failures and disappointments that he wasn’t prepared for as a child.
As you can see, child-centered parenting can have far-reaching effects. Show your child that the world doesn’t revolve around him. Teach him how to develop genuine relationships with those around him.
Teach self-control first
This is the continuation of my posts on child-centered parenting. In my first post on the topic, I mentioned how self-reliance precedes self-control in the child-centered home. In that post, I said:
“Child-centered parenting creates within the child a false sense of self-reliance. The child becomes wise in his own eyes. He believes he is ready for freedoms before he has developed self-control or a level of responsibility that indicates he is ready for those freedoms.”
Early empowerment
A child in a child-centered home is given far too much power far too early. Think of examples you might have seen in your friends or even your own home. Child-centered parents tend to ask their children what they want. Do you want to go to the park? Do you want to invite your friend over or go to his house? Do you want waffles or pancakes? The ultimate example the Ezzos give is, Do you want the red cup or the blue cup?
Now, offering a child choices is not necessarily a bad thing. It only becomes harmful when the child sees those choices as his right. It becomes harmful when it puts your child in a position of power over you and others in the family. Think about how your child would react in these examples.
- He usually chooses a book for reading time, but you decide on the book this time.
- You ask him to try on the blue shirt but he wants the striped one.
- You decide that it’s time to play with puzzles when he wants to play with cars.
- He prefers bananas, but you give him an apple.
Certainly, it won’t harm anybody if he plays with cars or gets the striped shirt. But it’s his reaction that you are looking for. His attitude is everything. If your child throws a fit in any circumstance like this, then it’s likely he has too many freedoms. And when a child has too many freedoms, even verbal freedoms, he has too much power. And when he has too much power, he becomes wise in his own eyes.
Protecting the self-esteem at all costs
You might ask, What’s so horrible about a child feeling strong and having opinions? Plenty. In our culture, parents are often concerned about nurturing a child’s self-esteem. Yes, it is important for a child to feel confident in his own skin. But when he feels so confident that his feelings come before those of others, it becomes a moral issue. In the Mom’s Notes, Carla Link mentions that nowhere in the Bible does it say to think of yourself first. It says to think of others, implying that it is innate in everyone to naturally protect ourselves and our beliefs. We do not need to be told to do so. In the same way, our parents do not need to boost our self-esteem. It is there when we are born. As long as our parents don’t do anything to harm our self-esteem, we are fine. We will preserve it on our own.
When child-centered parents give their children power in the name of protecting their self-esteem, they are allowing their children to become wise in their own eyes. A parent focused on a child’s self esteem might:
- Always say “yes” out of fear that the word “no” will cause the child to feel bad.
- Avoid discipline at all costs for fear of emotionally scarring the child.
- Allow the child to make all the choices for the family to show him that his opinions are important.
- Encourage other adults to appease the child.
- Smile and nod even when the child’s behaviors grate against the parent’s belief system.
Wise in his own eyes
In addition to driving any parent batty, giving the child all the power will create a child who is wise in his own eyes. A child who is wise in his own eyes might:
- Choose to play in the backyard and go outside without asking.
- Tell you that his sibling needs a timeout.
- Roam the house at will.
- Attempt to gather information (about where you are going or who you talked to on the phone) just to prove he knows more than others.
- Make himself too comfortable at friends’ houses, going upstairs before he is asked, helping himself to food, etc.
- Convince himself and his parents that he doesn’t need to respect his teacher because of her faulty beliefs.
More important than any particular behavior, being wise in your own eyes is an issue of attitude. This child puts himself before others and believes he is right to do so. Why would you expect otherwise? This is what he has been taught his entire life.
A lack of self-control
When a child is allowed to become wise in his own eyes, he is being taught to be self-reliant before he has learned self-control. Imagine those same behaviors in a child who has learned self-control before self-reliance. The child with self-control would:
- Ask for permission to play in the backyard.
- Protect his dominion by speaking nicely to his sibling but allow his parents to administer timeouts.
- Respect and obey boundaries.
- Keep his nose in his own business.
- Use his manners at friends’ houses, waiting to be invited to the playroom, waiting to be offered food, etc.
- Respect his teacher because she is in a position of authority (and knows better than the child what is best for him).
When you juxtapose these behaviors, the difference is striking. Which child would you prefer? The one who supposedly has a higher self-esteem but who only thinks of himself? Or the child who respects authority and considers others? You may not think that the simple act of allowing a child to make all his own choices could lead to a child who only thinks of himself, but don’t be deceived. There is a direct link between the two.
Teach your child self-control and protect your home from becoming child-centered. Understand that teaching self-control and imposing boundaries will not harm his self-esteem. In fact, it will boost his self-esteem because he will be more readily accepted by the world around him. Do this for the sake of your child.
Maintain your roles in marriage
In my next few posts, I will discuss in greater detail the problems I first described in my post on child-centered parenting. Here I will describe the first problem with child-centered parenting: your roles as husband and wife change to mom and dad. In my previous post, I said:
“Child-centered parenting redefines the husband-wife relationship. You and your spouse are no longer husband and wife. You are mom and dad. And as mom and dad, you are less accountable to each other and yourselves. You are solely accountable to your child.”
Perfect in your child’s eyes
As parents, we are perfect in our child’s eyes. We maintain this perfection for many years. This parental perfection is so important to a child that you can probably remember the exact day you realized your parents weren’t perfect. Believing you are perfect in your child’s eyes makes your roles as mother and father more appealing than your roles as husband and wife. When you are accountable only to your child, you are perfect. When you are accountable to your spouse and yourself, you cannot deny your own imperfections.
Children make us feel needed
Unlike any other role in our lives, our roles as mom and dad allow us to feel needed. Our children give us purpose. Even at the height of our careers, we might not have felt as needed as we feel with our children. Your child depends on you for his health and safety. And when you allow it, as many attachment-parenting types do, your child depends on you for his own comfort. When you don’t teach your child to be independent, you feel more needed than ever. In fact, some moms encourage their children to need them even when they show signs of independence. Many moms thrive on this need to be needed which makes it easier to adopt the role of mom in favor of that of wife.
Cultural perceptions of motherhood and fatherhood
These days, it’s often more acceptable to prioritize our parenting roles over our husband and wife roles. Our culture says that we can do anything as long as it’s what we deem best for the child. Our culture says that our spouses are fully formed adults who can take care of themselves. Our children need us most, so we will take on that motherhood or fatherhood role with gusto, no matter the effects on our other relationships.
Allowing the child to come between you
Put yourself in the shoes of attachment parent types who spend all day literally attached to their children. When dad comes home and wants a hug and a kiss, he is rejected since mom has nothing left to give. She has given all of her attention and energy to the child and wants nothing more than to be left alone once the child is asleep. Also consider the “family bed”. When dad has a busy day of work ahead and cannot sleep with a child’s foot in his ribs, he often finds a new place to sleep. The “family bed” then becomes the “mom and child bed”. These are just two examples of many that separate husband and wife in the name of parenting.
The beginning of the end
If you consider that it’s more pleasing to be mom and dad rather than husband and wife—and that our culture promotes this ideal—then you must consider that this can be the beginning of the end for the marriage. If you devote all of your attention and energy to your children, you have little left for your spouse.
All relationships, especially marriages, must be maintained. Like a garden, they must be tended and cared for or else they will die. By prioritizing mom and dad roles over husband and wife roles, child-centered parenting can be the beginning of the end for the marriage.
The child rules
If you consider that the child replaces the husband as the mother’s primary focus, you realize how the child then becomes the head of the household. As redundant as this sounds, by putting the child at the center of the family, you continue to put the child at the center of the family. Child-centered parenting builds upon itself.
All of the problems of child-centered parenting, which I will continue to discuss in future posts, are interconnected. These problems not only harm the child but they allow child-centered parenting to build upon itself to the detriment of the marriage. It becomes a vicious cycle—with very high stakes.
If you do nothing else in your parenting, make your marriage a priority. Allow your child to be a welcome member of the family rather than putting him at the center of it.
Child-centered parenting
Think back to the day your child was born. When the doctor or midwife placed your newborn on your chest, you immediately felt a love like you’d never felt before. In that same instant, your life changed forever. You now spend very little time alone. Spontaneous trips to the movie theater are a thing of the past. You enjoy going to the park, the zoo and even fast food play places. You see life through your child’s eyes. You may have even quit your job to stay home with your child. You do anything and everything for your child. Before you know it, you have built your life around your child.
Yes, this is completely natural and very common in our world. But is it best for your child? The Ezzos say no. This is what the Ezzos call child-centered parenting.
“Often parents leave their first love, each other, and focus extensively on their children. Although this may be done in the name of good parenting, it is the first step to the break-up of family relationships. This leads to the second threat to successful parenting: the belief that children are the center of the family universe, rather than welcome members of it…. Instead of integrating the child into the family where he learns the basic give and takes of life, they elevate the child above the family,” (Growing Kids God’s Way, 5th ed., p. 35).
The marriage is priority #1
So if your child isn’t your first priority, what is? Your marriage. See my posts on the marriage priority and couch time for more on this.
You may be thinking, what exactly is so wrong with putting my child at the center? He’s a toddler or young child and requires a significant amount of care. All of my time is spent caring for my child, so even if I didn’t want to put my child at the center, it’s somewhat unavoidable. Yes, this is true in your day-to-day life, but your belief system must be built on the foundation that the family, not the child, is your focus. If you’re not convinced, consider these (enormously important!) problems of child-centered parenting:
Husband and wife become dad and mom
Child-centered parenting redefines the husband-wife relationship. You and your spouse are no longer husband and wife. You are mom and dad. And as mom and dad, you are less accountable to each other and yourselves. You are solely accountable to your child.
“In marriage, neither man nor woman can lose themselves. Marriage forces revelation. We are revealed for what we are…. We are less revealed in parenting, thus less honest about who we are. Attempting to avoid the truth about ourselves, we conveniently find, in the name of fatherhood and motherhood, a more pleasing image, so some think. Whenever we pull away from marriage, no matter how noble the goal, we leave our accountability,” (Growing Kids God’s Way, 5th ed., p. 35).
Self-reliance precedes self-control
Child-centered parenting creates within the child a false sense of self-reliance. The child becomes wise in his own eyes. He believes he is ready for freedoms before he has developed self-control or a level of responsibility that indicates he is ready for those freedoms.
“Child centered parenting reverses the natural process of moral development… The child becomes, in his thinking, self-sufficient prior to the establishment of self-control. This happens because the [child-centered parenting] philosophy grants freedoms beyond the child’s ability to manage those freedoms. Self-reliance apart from self-discipline is a destructive influence on young children,” (Growing Kids God’s Way, 5th ed., p. 35).
Relationships become a means to an end
Child-centered parenting creates a child who develops relationships only for what they offer. This fosters independence of the family rather than interdependence.
“Where there is no relationship investment, there is no reason for family loyalty. Other people (parents, siblings and peers) matter only to the extent that advantages are gained by maintaining relationships. What the child can get out of relationships, rather than what he can give, forms the basis of his loyalty,” (Growing Kids God’s Way, 5th ed., p. 35).
Selfishness takes precedence over morality
Child-centered parenting fosters innate selfishness and other sins and reduces the significance of morality. The child often feels he is above morality.
“Child-centered parenting magnifies the natural conflict between the natural way of the child and his need for moral conformity. With child-centered parenting, the [moral] standard is perceived to be the problem rather than the faulty [child-centered parenting] philosophy,” (Growing Kids God’s Way, 5th ed., p. 35).
Worship is turned on its head
Child-centered parenting comes close to idolatry with children becoming little gods who their parents worship.
“Child-centered parenting, for some, comes perilously close to idolatry. When a child’s happiness is a greater goal than his holiness, when his psychological health is elevated above moral health, and when the child, not God, becomes the center of the family universe, a subtle form of idolatry is created. Children become little gods who have parents worshiping their creation and not their Creator,” (Growing Kids God’s Way, 5th ed., p. 35).
While it’s so easy to put our children at the center of our universe, this is one of the most important principles of good parenting. Keep these issues in mind when developing your parenting beliefs. If you want a child who values others more than himself, avoid child-centered parenting.
This is a very philosophical post. Look to my next post for practical ideas on how child-centered parenting can play out in day-to-day life.