Are you a wife or mom first?

May 7, 2012 By 1 Comment

Source: soulspringgroups.blogspot.com

Note: Forgive me for assuming most of my readers are women. For the few men who read my blog, this post does also apply to you.

Are you a wife or mom first? Do you identify yourself as a wife or mom? Which relationship do you make a priority in your life?

We all take on many different roles in our lives based on our relationships with others: friend, sister, aunt, niece, daughter, granddaughter, etc. Our roles of wife and mom take precedence simply because we spend our days with our children and husbands. And when our children are young, we spend the majority of our time caring for them and tending to their needs.

But let me assure you, for the benefit of your family, your role of wife should be a higher priority than that of mom. By redefining the husband-wife relationship, you run the risk of maintaining a child-centered household. In a child-centered home, you are not wife; you are mom. And as mom, you are less accountable to your spouse and yourself. You are solely accountable to the child.

For many, it’s preferable to only be accountable to the child because:

  • As parents, we are perfect in our child’s eyes.
  • Unlike any other role in our lives, our role as mom allows us to feel needed. Our children give us purpose.
  • Our culture says that we can do anything we want as long as it’s what we deem best for the child.

“Some parents equate overindulgence with love, giving a child everything he wants in the belief that they are teaching some form of benevolence. Withholding correction from the child is equated with teaching a form of heavenly grace. Tolerating disobedience is equated to teaching patience. Diverting a child from sadness, regardless of the root cause of that sadness, is thought to be a form of compassion and consolation,” (On Becoming Childwise, p. 47-48).

I’ll be the first to admit that prioritizing my marriage is not easy. As a stay-at-home mom, my kids are my primary focus. And our culture makes it so easy and acceptable to put the children first. But make no mistake, child-centered parenting creates within the child a false sense of self-reliance. The child becomes wise in his own eyes and attitude issues run rampant. Do all that you can to prioritize your role of wife over that of mom.

Filed Under: parenting philosophy Tagged With:

Do you enjoy your child?

March 9, 2012 By 3 Comments

Source: theparentfairy.blogspot.com

How’s that for a loaded question? I think it’s important for all parents to ask themselves this question every now and then. Yes, we go through struggles with our children. Yes, they often do their best to push our buttons and test boundaries. But on the whole, we should be enjoying the time we spend with our children.

If your answer to this question is an unequivocal no, it is your cue that you need to change your parenting methods. Do be honest with yourself when you ask yourself this question. Nobody else needs to know. Have your spouse ask himself the same question, especially if you see struggles between him and the child.

Understand that the onus to change your situation falls on you. If you don’t enjoy your child, do not blame the child. Children will very happily comply with our instructions when we are clear and consistent. You might find this very encouraging. It’s all under your control!

Take the steps you need to take to change the atmosphere in your home. Keep your eye on the goal (a happy, loving relationship with your child), and do the work it takes to get yourselves there.

Here are some ideas:

1)    Read, read, read. Learn all you can about different parenting methods.

2)    Talk to older, wiser parents. Learn from their experiences.

3)    Take a parenting class with your spouse. Ask around at local churches to see where you might find a Growing Kids God’s Way class.

4)    Step back and evaluate your attitude. Are you too lax? Too strict? Yes, children need to be corrected, but don’t make your life more difficult by focusing on behaviors that make a child a child. Choose your battles.

5)    Make sure you have all the basics under your belt. Work on good eating and sleeping habits. Practice couch time and avoid child-centered parenting.

6)    Do all that you can to prevent misbehaviors. Don’t wait for the child to misbehave before you act.

7)    If you have the basics under control, work on first-time obedience. You can learn more in my eBook, Live in Harmony with First-Time Obedience. It will take work to train your child in first-time obedience, but the payoff is so worth it.

Always remember your goal. If you ever need encouragement to continue your work in parenting, remember that you are working on developing a happy, loving relationship with your child. Remind yourself of that sweet little soul you saw when he was a baby or toddler. Stare at him while he sleeps. Trust that his sweet spirit will reemerge. He wants to be that sweet little child; he just needs your help to get there.

Filed Under: miscellaneous Tagged With: , , ,

Are French parents better?

February 13, 2012 By 5 Comments

This is the question posed in a recent Wall Street Journal article discussing a new book, Bringing Up Bebe: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting by Pamela Druckerman. In the book, the author discusses French parenting and contends that American parents are much more lenient, yet also overly focused on child discipline.

The author’s basis for the book? She lives in Paris with her (British) husband and three children:

“A few years ago, while enduring nightmarish restaurant meals with her then-18-month-old daughter on a French seaside vacation, it struck Druckerman that the French children around them were all perfectly well-behaved. Thinking further, she realized she’d seen the same on French playgrounds and in her French friends’ homes,” (Wall Street Journal, “Are French Parents Better?”)

The book’s description notes that:

“The French children Druckerman knows sleep through the night at two or three months old while those of her American friends take a year or more. French kids eat well-rounded meals that are more likely to include braised leeks than chicken nuggets. And while her American friends spend their visits resolving spats between their kids, her French friends sip coffee while the kids play,” (Bringing Up Bebe).

Sound familiar? This is exactly the type of parenting the Ezzos have been espousing for decades. But what exactly is the difference between American and French parenting?

They call it the French parenting “secret” but it’s no secret at all. It’s the ability to set clear, firm boundaries for children from their earliest days.

According to the book, French parents also avoid child-centered parenting (again an Ezzo idea):

“[T]he French have managed to be involved with their families without becoming obsessive,” Druckerman writes. “They assume that even good parents aren’t at the constant service of their children, and that there is no need to feel guilty about this. ‘For me, the evenings are for the parents,’ one Parisian mother told me. ‘My daughter can be with us if she wants, but it’s adult time,’ ” (Wall Street Journal, “Are French Parents Better?”).

I’m intrigued by the author’s contention that French parents rarely discipline their children. Their consistent modeling of patience and obedience teaches children to do the same. In fact, French parents are puzzled by the American emphasis on discipline.

Druckerman says, “Instead they stress ‘educating’ their kids, meaning not schoolwork but a holistic way of showing and telling them what is and isn’t allowed. This means infractions that require American-style punishments are rare,” (Wall Street Journal, “Are French Parents Better?”).

This reminds me of the Ezzos’ approach to non-conflict training.

This quote from the book’s description sums it up nicely:

“Of course, French parenting wouldn’t be worth talking about if it produced robotic, joyless children. In fact, French kids are just as boisterous, curious, and creative as Americans. They’re just far better behaved and more in command of themselves,” (Bringing Up Bebe).

I love it!

Filed Under: parenting philosophy Tagged With: , , , , ,

My favorite Ezzo-isms

January 4, 2012 By Leave a Comment

There are several sayings that get repeated throughout the Ezzo community, and for good reason. If you commit these sayings to memory, they will guide you through your parenting journey. Here are my favorites:

The child is a welcome member of the family but is not the center of it.

Read more about child-centered parenting.

Great marriages make great parents.

Let your child see that you value your marriage. Let the stability of your marriage serve as the foundation for the child and family. Learn more about the marriage priority.

Never give a command you don’t expect to be obeyed.

Read more about saying what you mean and meaning what you say.

Constantly reminding a child to do what is expected only means you have no expectation.

This is the crux of first-time obedience. Give your instruction one time! Learn more about first-time obedience in my eBook, Live in Harmony with First-Time Obedience.

Holiness is more important than happiness.

Teach the value of living with contentment. Learn more.

Obedience is only the beginning.

Parents should aim to eventually transition from leading by authority to leading by influence. At first, our children obey out of duty. Eventually, a child must exchange obedience (duty to comply) for submission (desire to comply).

 

 

Filed Under: discipline, first-time obedience, parenting philosophy Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Best of Childwise Chat: Couch Time

December 28, 2011 By Leave a Comment

With family in town for the holidays, I’m taking a bit of a break from blogging this week. So here are my top posts of all time (according to visitor stats). Read and enjoy!

Couch Time

In my last post, I discussed the marriage priority and how the Ezzos implore us to put our marriages first—for the sake of our children. By maintaining a loving, healthy marriage, we create a sense of security and stability for our children. Here I will discuss one practical method for building a happy marriage: couch time.

Couch time is a very simple idea. You and your spouse take 10-15 minutes at the end of your day (or whenever really) to sit down and just talk. Don’t watch TV. Don’t answer the phone. Don’t think about the day ahead. Just sit and talk to your spouse.

The rules
There is only one rule when it comes to couch time. It can take place at any time of day. It can be on the couch, at the dinner table after everyone is done, or even standing in the kitchen. The only rule about couch time is that you must do it while your child is awake and in the same room. The whole point of couch time is to show your child that you and your spouse make time for yourselves and that your marriage takes priority. Explain to your child that this is a special time for you two and that he must not interrupt you. Find an activity to keep your child occupied so you’re not constantly turning away from your spouse to tend to your child. (This is where having a blanket-trained toddler can really help.) Keep a special basket of toys just for couch time. Start small (just a few minutes a day) and work up from there. Throughout your day, make a mental list of things you might want to discuss with your spouse during couch time. Make a mental note of cute things your child did or how you were able to get through to him on an important moral lesson.

Must we really do couch time?
Yes! You may be thinking that you spend plenty of time talking to your spouse and that maybe your child is so young (or old) that he won’t really get any benefit from seeing the two of you talk. But really, if you are going to have any success with your parenting, you must put first things first. Couch time is so important that it’s discussed early on inChildwise (page 40). And putting your marriage first is principle #1 in a long list of principles.

“Does your child exhibit behavior problems, moral disruptions, impulsive behavior, talking back, sleep problems or just outright defiance? Before you do anything else, before you pick up another book, listen to another tape, attend another parenting conference, call your therapist or get on the Internet—simply practice ‘couch time’ for a week…. You will be amazed at how this one little exercise can bring peace to a home and emotional confidence to children,” (On Becoming Childwise, page 40).

In the Mom’s Notes presentations, Carla Link will often take questions from the audience about particular behavior problems parents might be experiencing. One of her first questions of them is whether they are doing couch time. The answer is typically no. She then goes on to say that the simple act of adding couch time to your day will greatly improve your child’s behaviors. Having someone tell you to sit on the couch with your spouse may not seem like it will help you teach your preschooler to share his toys. But it is step #1 in getting our children to behave. It’s so simple yet so effective!

And on top of the benefits your child receives, couch time will improve your marriage! “One other thing about couch time: it’s not only for your children’s benefit…. For some couples, this time together might be as new for them as it is for their children. You never know, you might just rediscover your best friend,” (On Becoming Childwise, page 40).

The next time you hug your spouse, take a peek at your child’s face. He will be staring at you with a glimmer of happiness in his eye. Once you see that, you will be motivated to do couch time every day.

Testimonials for couch time
In the sidebars of Growing Kids God’s Way, there are several testimonials from children whose parents practiced couch time:

“There is something wonderful about growing up in a home where your parents are truly in love with each other. They laugh together, play together, pray together and parent together. As siblings, we have a ‘best friend’ relationship with each other. We learned that from watching Mom and Dad.” –Aimee, age 14

“When my parents had couch time consistently, my siblings and I were more obedient and there was harmony in the family. It doesn’t seem like a big deal, sitting on the couch talking to each other every night, but makes a big difference in the home.” –Justin, age 17

“When my sister Emily and I were young, we loved it when Mom and Dad had couch time. I couldn’t have explained why back then. There was just something right about it, comforting and secure. We contrived all sorts of things to make them comfortable like getting them tea when they sat down. Now we realize that ‘couch time’ was for us as much as it was for them.” –Aubrey, age 16

“Out of all the wonderful things my parents implemented into our family life, couch time is the one I most want to have in my own family when I get married. Growing up, I felt more secure knowing that my parents were taking the time to communicate and verify that they were a united team. This is how I know that my parents love our family and they loved each other.” –Sarah, age 22

“My parents have shown me how very important having dates and couch time on a regular basis is for a good marriage relationship. When they spend time with each other, it shows us that they love each other.” –Rebecca, age 14

Filed Under: parenting philosophy, prevention Tagged With:

Live in Harmony with First-Time Obedience. New eBook!

December 7, 2011 By 4 Comments

Have you always wanted to teach your children first-time obedience but you’ve never been sure where to begin? Let my new eBook, Live in Harmony with First-Time Obedience, teach you how.

I am very proud to announce the release of my new eBook! Several months ago, I realized that it might help parents to have one easy-to-read, digital source for advice on teaching first-time obedience. After many hours and late nights, it’s now a reality!

After reading through my own posts on the topic of first-time obedience, I decided that there were several holes in my teaching that needed to be filled. So I am excited to offer this eBook, which covers just about every idea I’ve had about training children in first-time obedience. The 112-page eBook serves as a great complement to the Parent Wise books from Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo.

In Live in Harmony with First-Time Obedience, you’ll learn how to:

  • Rid your home of tantrums, whining, complaining and negotiating
  • Train your children to be respectful and obedient
  • Create peace and harmony in your home so you can enjoy your children again
  • Work on obedience while they’re young and the stakes are low
  • Reduce the stress that comes with parenting young children
  • Achieve a balanced life of love and learning with your children

Gary Ezzo himself has endorsed the eBook:

One of the most important parenting tasks is helping children learn to obey. This eBook offers practical advice for parents in the throes of obedience training and is high on my recommended reading list. ~ Gary Ezzo

Get your copy of Live in Harmony with First-Time Obedience while it’s on sale! Until January 9, 2012, it will be available for just $6.99! That’s 30% off the original price!

Click on the graphic below to learn more about the eBook and to download a sample of the eBook. Have a look before you buy.

If you like what you see, consider becoming an affiliate. Earn 30% of the purchase price for every buyer you refer. Read more.

 

Filed Under: first-time obedience, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

What I’m Reading: “A Parent’s Guide to Gifted Children,” Introduction, Part 1

November 30, 2011 By 5 Comments

This book is so full of important content that I’m going to have to break it down. Here is part one of my discussion about the Introduction of A Parent’s Guide to Gifted Children.

The main idea of the Introduction of A Parent’s Guide to Gifted Children is that parenting gifted children is a lonely experience, fraught with misunderstanding. The misunderstanding stems, in part, from the fact that society believes that the life of a gifted child is a walk in the park. It’s true that the gifted child may have an easier time with academics, but a unique set of challenges make life more difficult than you might think.

Parents are important

Despite the many challenges that highly capable children face, a solid home foundation can make the difference between surviving or thriving. Read more about my take on family stability. When building that foundation parents must address the many emotional issues the gifted child faces and also act as an advocate for the child at school.

“Where there are insufficient educational opportunities, parents can provide enrichment and negotiate with schools to help ensure that there is a match between the educational program and the child’s interests, abilities, and motivation to learn,” (A Parent’s Guide to Gifted Children, p. xvi).

There was a time when I believed that there was no point to providing William with extra enrichment. I figured I would just be pushing him even more ahead of his peers academically. But I have since changed my tune. He is so very inquisitive and enthusiastic about everything he learns. I would hate for that flame to die simply because I chose not to meet his needs. I feel fortunate that we can afford a private school where he can read 3-4 grade levels ahead, do math that is a year ahead and be challenged in many more ways than I can count.

Parenting a gifted child is a lonely experience

While parents play a particularly key role in the life of a gifted child, few parents are aware that certain characteristics including intensity, sensitivity, perfectionism, less need for sleep and allergies are typical and more frequent among gifted children. These traits make parenting all the more difficult.

It was only a year or so ago that I figured this out. We have dealt with all of these issues (plus sensory processing disorder and the blood sugar roller coaster), but I had no idea they were related to giftedness. It was at birth that William first exhibited his sleeplessness. That first night in the hospital, I was exhausted but he was wide awake. I remember asking the nurse if it was okay that I go to sleep! To this day (he’s now 7), he takes melatonin every night because he can’t quiet his brain well enough to go to sleep.

Unfortunately, parents of other children are rarely sympathetic to the unique needs of the gifted child. The prevailing idea is that parents of gifted children are exaggerating their child’s successes or putting undue academic pressure on the child.

I feel guilty about the fact that I once bought into this portrayal of the gifted child. I figured that a truly gifted child doesn’t act or look like a typical child at all. Looking back, I realize that William (a fairly typical child) exhibited gifted traits that I didn’t even recognize for what they were.

Before the age of 2, William seemed to want to learn his letters. I didn’t push it and, in fact, wanted him to learn through play. But he would ask me to name letters, and he identified them so easily that it became a game. We were playing once at Starbucks (they had wall art made of stories written in capital letters), and a stranger commented on it, calling it “impressive.” Of course, the comment put a smile on my face, but even after seeing it from a stranger’s perspective, I didn’t think that William was all that different from other kids. It wasn’t until a few months ago, many years after this incident, that I started to wonder about giftedness.

Myths about gifted children

The misunderstanding gifted children and their parents face is fostered by myths of them portrayed in the media.

“The media, for example, often portray gifted children as pint-size oddities—geniuses who can solve amazingly difficult math problems, or play a musical instrument like a virtuoso, or go to college at age 12, and do nothing but read, practice, or study all day.

“Another myth, particularly common among educators, is that gifted children do not need any special help, because if they are so bright, they can surely develop their abilities on their own. Still another misconception is that gifted children are those children who do well academically in school or in a particular talent area, which leaves out those who are potentially gifted and currently underachieving. …

“Some gifted children are good in many areas; others are gifted in only one or two areas, such as math or science,” (A Parent’s Guide to Gifted Children, p. xvii).

Below is a list of common myths surrounding gifted children. It’s a long list, but each one is important to consider when forming opinions about the gifted children in our lives.

  • Gifted children are usually gifted in all academic areas.
  • Giftedness is wholly inborn.
  • Giftedness is entirely a matter of hard work.
  • All children are gifted.
  • Children become gifted because their parents push them.
  • Gifted children will become eminent adults.
  • Gifted children seldom have learning handicaps.
  • Gifted children are not aware that they are somehow different than others.
  • If you tell gifted children they have advanced abilities, they will become egotistical.
  • Gifted children will show their abilities and talents in their school achievement.
  • Gifted children are usually well organized and have good study skills.
  • Gifted children will only fulfill their potential if they receive continual pressure.
  • Gifted children’s emotional maturity is as advanced as their intellect.
  • Gifted children seldom have emotional or interpersonal issues.
  • Gifted children enjoy demonstrating their talents and abilities for others.
  • Families always value their gifted children’s advanced abilities, intensity and sensitivity.
  • Gifted children are easier to raise than most children.
  • Parents cannot identify giftedness in their own children.
  • Educators will know exactly how to work with gifted children.

What are your thought processes when you meet a gifted child? Do you believe the child to be naturally gifted or do you feel that the parents are exaggerating the child’s abilities? Now that I’ve educated myself about giftedness, it feels good to do my part to dispel these myths. Please do the same as you read these posts!

Filed Under: what I'm reading Tagged With:

First-time obedience: first things first

November 17, 2011 By 3 Comments

Source: cc.byu.edu

First-time obedience (FTO) is a phrase you commonly hear in Babywise parenting circles. But what exactly does it mean? It’s really quite simple to understand. First-time obedience means your child obeys your instruction the first time, no questions asked.

First-time obedience is important for many reasons including:

  • It sets clear expectations for the child.
  • If you teach obedience, you don’t have to teach anything else.
  • It helps you decide when a correction is necessary; disobedience is disobedience.
  • It teaches your child to obey your word and not rely on bribes or rewards for motivation.
  • It teaches your child to submit to your authority and adopt an attitude of submission when obedience is required.
  • When your life is not fraught with disobedience, your days are happier and your relationship with your child grows stronger.
  • If you teach moral values (through obedience) when he’s little, you give yourselves many years of a trusting, loving relationship.

What does first-time obedience look like?

First-time obedience is a fairly simple to identify. Here’s what it looks like:

  • Your child responds to the call of his name with “yes, mommy”.
  • Your child gives you eye contact when you call his name.
  • Your child immediately complies with any instruction you give, whether it’s putting his shoes on or cleaning his room.
  • Your child obeys with an attitude of submission and a happy heart.

What does first-time obedience NOT look like?

Would your child be characterized by first-time obedience? Be honest with yourself. Do any of the following go on in your home?

  • Your child ignores you when you call his name. Or worse, he runs away when you call.
  • You repeat your instruction 50 times before he complies. (This is 50th-time obedience!)
  • Your child counts on your inconsistency and will keep pushing the envelope to find out how serious you are.
  • Your child whines or talks back when you give an instruction. If it worked once before, it might just work again.
  • You offer threat after threat to get your child to comply.
  • You count to three in a threatening tone when your child doesn’t comply.
  • You bribe your child with stickers, marbles, pennies, or promises for ice cream to get him to obey.
  • You guilt your child into complying with your instructions.
  • You beg your child to obey.
  • You and your child end the day frustrated and stressed out.

Don’t worry if you recognize any of these scenarios. I’ve been there and I’m here to help!

First things first: Ezzo fundamentals

By now you’re probably convinced of the value of first-time obedience. It’s so very promising for us as parents and for the moral and ethical health of our children. Now, are you ready to put in the effort to make it a reality?

The first thing you need to do as you attempt to instill first-time obedience in your child is forget the idea altogether. Yes, you heard me right. Set it aside for now. There is a much bigger foundation you must lay before your FTO work can even begin. I realize that it’s tempting to jump into first-time obedience training with both feet, but I promise that it will be much more difficult if you don’t implement the Ezzo fundamentals first.

Make your marriage a priority

What does your marriage have to do with parenting? Everything. If you have read any of the Ezzos’ books, then you are no stranger to the idea that the marriage must come first. As Ezzo says in On Becoming Childwise, “Great marriages make great parents,” (page 43). Your marriage is the ground upon which your child stands. Practice couch time to proactively show your child that you value your marriage. Also be sure to maintain your roles as husband and wife, not just mom and dad.

Avoid child-centered parenting

Too often, once a child is brought into the marriage, parents focus extensively on the child. Though it is often done in the name of good parenting, child-centered parenting actually does more harm than good. Instead of integrating the child into the family as a welcome member of the family, they make the child the center of their world. This creates within the child a false sense of self-reliance. The child becomes wise in his own eyes and attitude issues run rampant.

Schedule your child’s day

When you direct your child’s activities, you drastically reduce the risk that he will be bored and stir up trouble. Create a daily schedule that includes activities like nap time, quiet reading time, independent play time (room time or playpen time), sibling play time, outside time, and more.

Establish your funnel

Envision a funnel or inverted cone. At the bottom, the opening is narrow. This represents the freedoms you allow your child when he is young. As he grows (in maturity and chronologically), you increase those freedoms. Keep your child in that funnel. Don’t allow your two-year-old to roam the house at will or require your 12-year-old to keep his hand on the cart at the grocery store. Make sure freedoms are age-appropriate and award new freedoms based on responsibility, not age.

Say what you mean; mean what you say

Trite as they may be, these eight simple words have great power over your first-time obedience training. The underlying principle of “say what you mean; mean what you say” is that you clearly communicate to your child what you expect of him and follow through on every word you say. Take your time before you speak and be sure that whatever you say are words you can stand by. The Ezzos say, “Never give a command unless you intend for it to be obeyed,” (Growing Kids God’s Way, p. 126.)

Teach your child to ask for permission

If you have a child who roams the house or goes into the backyard at will, you will greatly benefit from this simple technique. Having your child ask for permission stops behavior problems in their tracks! You can even teach a non-verbal child to do the sign for “please” to ask for permission.

Encourage and love your child

There are parents who feel that they desperately need first-time obedience because they spend their days yelling at and barking orders at their children. Frustration is the name of the game. These parents often skip to the discipline section of the book in an attempt to nip behavior problems in the bud. But let me be clear: love and encouragement go a LONG way toward improving your child’s behavior. So be sure to encourage through praise, spontaneous rewards, physical affection, and goal incentives; and speak your child’s love language to make sure he is receiving your love. Most important, enjoy and have fun with your child!

Be intentional in your parenting

Planning and intent are key to establishing first-time obedience:

  • Start as you mean to go on. Don’t start a habit you won’t want to continue.
  • Read, read, read!
  • Understand why you do what you do. Ignore parenting experts whose theories don’t make sense to you. (Many of them offer only short-term fixes anyway.)
  • Create a discipline plan and decide on consequences ahead of time.
  • Work with your spouse to identify the values you wish to instill in your children.
  • Identify the behaviors you’d like to see in your children. Set the bar high but also be realistic in your expectations!
  • Keep your attitude in check. Find a tone that communicates that you want your child to succeed in first-time obedience, but that you hold authority over him if he doesn’t.
  • Be sure you understand the difference between childishness and foolishness. Always give your child the benefit of the doubt if you’re unsure.
  • Model for your child what you expect from him. Avoid hypocrisy at all costs.
  • You are your child’s teacher. Never forget that all discipline takes place to teach a lesson.

Don’t forget attitude

External compliance is great but it’s not our ultimate goal. Compliance with a happy, submissive heart is our ultimate goal. If your child complies with your instruction but sulks off after, make him do it over. Discipline for attitude just as much as you would for behavior problems.

Begin first-time obedience training

Once this all-important foundation has been laid, you can move on to your first-time obedience training. Understand that first-time obedience is a skill your child needs to learn. It will be difficult at first, especially if your child is used to ignoring you, but the payoff will be so rewarding.

Stay tuned for specifics on first-time obedience training. In the meantime, explore the links above to learn more about each layer of your parenting foundation.

 

Filed Under: first-time obedience, moral training, parenting philosophy, prevention, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Babywise bloggers network

November 14, 2011 By 3 Comments

I’m excited to announce that two other Babywise bloggers and I are uniting to form a network to promote a positive perception of Babywise and its principles.

Why unite?

If you are blissfully unaware of the negative perception of Babywise (and all of the Ezzo books), then kudos to you! Stay that way! But unfortunately, many of us have, at one time or another, encountered parents who are adamantly opposed to Babywise and all that it stands for.

What’s most unfortunate of all is that these Babywise-haters are propagating their opinions despite a misunderstanding of what Babywise is about. It’s possible they have encountered one or two Babywise parents who followed the book too literally, but let me assure you, those parents represent a very small percentage of Babywise parents. Most of us have very happy, healthy, well-rested babies.

So we are here to stand together and help well-meaning parents understand the true nature of Babywise and how to effectively implement its principles.

Babywise myths

Before I tell you more about the other two Babywise bloggers, let me explain the false claims and be clear about what Babywise stands for.

Myth #1: Babywise babies are hyper-scheduled

Babywise does not implore us to ignore our babies’ and children’s cues in favor of the clock. Yes, the clock does play a role, but the baby’s cues and the parents’ judgment take precedence. The book very clearly states that we are to feed the baby when he’s hungry. Growth spurts must not be ignored.

The schedule also works to the family’s advantage when the child gets older. Rather than allowing a child to find trouble when he’s bored and lacks direction, the schedule helps the parent direct the child’s activities and keep him preoccupied so boredom and misbehavior don’t result.

Myth #2: Babywise babies are left to cry excessively

While there are many Babywise parents who do let their children cry in their sleep-training endeavors, the Babywise-haters tend to think that we let our babies cry for hours on end without listening to their cries and the quality of their cries.

Let me be clear that a parent can most definitely follow Babywise without letting the baby cry it out. In fact, I stand firmly behind the belief that Babywise babies actually cry less than many other babies. Rather than waiting for the baby to cry to communicate his needs and wants, the Babywise mom knows what the baby needs before he needs it.

I remember when my boys were little, William’s eyes would water when he was tired and Lucas would yawn. I didn’t wait for them to cry to tell me it was nap time. My Babywise babies slept well on their own, and as their parents, we made time in their lives for naps (leading to less crying). Plus, we parents were not left to decode the child’s cries. If the schedule shows that it’s feeding time, there’s no confusing the fussiness for sleepiness.

Myth #3: Babywise parents focus on legalistic, punitive discipline

Those who stand against the Ezzo books tend to believe that we are too firm and legalistic in our parenting. Is expecting first-time obedience too much to ask of a child? No! Must we help our children in the pursuit of obedience? Most definitely.

I think the Ezzos would agree with me that you don’t start your obedience training by asking your hungry, tired 4-year-old to mow the lawn and then spank him when he cannot obey. Babywise parents are encouraged to set clear and reasonable expectations, use positive methods of reinforcement, speak the child’s love language, allow a schedule to prevent misbehavior, establish a solid family foundation with the mother and father standing together at the head, and more.

While there are some who do focus too much on corrective measures (probably because they let things go too far for too long and have reached a pinnacle of frustration), the positive elements of the Ezzos’ teachings cannot be ignored.

Set the bar high but use encouragement, modeling and your positive relationship to help the child reach that bar. Read more about training a child in first-time obedience.

Myth #4: Babywise teaches parents to devalue the child

There is a commonly heard phrase in Ezzo circles: “The child is a welcome member of the family but is not the center of it.” The phrase communicates the belief that mom and dad must stand at the center of the family. This is not because the parents are selfish and more powerful than their children. It’s because putting the parents at the center helps to develop a strong family foundation which provides the child with security and a healthy model for love.

It’s true we do not make the child the center of our attention, but this is solely for the benefit of the child. It does nothing to devalue the child. In fact, it does the opposite. Read more on the perils of child-centered parenting.

Babywise bloggers

As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, I am working with the authors of two other Babywise blogs to promote the benefits of Babywise and teach parents how to effectively implement its principles.

Chronicles of a Babywise Mom

Valerie Plowman is the author of Chronicles of a Babywise Mom. Valerie started this blog primarily as a resource for parents implementing the -wise series (written by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam). Over the years, it has grown to include a collection of multiple parenting books, and is now, broadly put, a “parenting blog.” Content includes anything a person might face as a parent. So far as parenting theories go, the -wise series is always her foundation, with strong influences from the Baby Whisperer books and Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child.

Valerie is a stay-at-home mom to three children, ages 6, 4 and 2 and is very passionate about raising children into adults who are service-minded, intelligent, confident, successful in their own right, and loved. Every mother’s dream, right?

My Baby Sleep Guide

Rachel Rowell is the author of My Baby Sleep Guide. As you have probably already guessed, she writes about sleep, particularly how to get more of it! She covers all the bases, from short naps to sleep training to sleeping through the night, and everything in between.

Rachel knows that every baby and every family is different, so she includes information about various sleep training methods so you can find what works best for you and your family. She draws from her own personal experience as a registered nurse and mother of a spirited 3-year-old and adventurous 1-year-old, as well as from a plethora of books and the wisdom of hundreds of moms. Her hope is that her blog will decrease the stress that many parents feel over sleep, so that they can more fully enjoy their sweet little children.

Childwise Chat

If you are new to this blog, let me introduce myself. My name is Maureen Monfore and I am a mom to two boys, ages 7 and 4. My blog, Childwise Chat, is written for parents of toddlers, preschoolers and school-aged children who are interested in the parenting principles originated by Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo. My primary resource is On Becoming Childwise by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam, but I also pull material from Growing Kids God’s Way, On Becoming Toddlerwise and parenting books from other authors. Childwise Chat covers the practical details of teaching the defiant toddler to obey to more philosophical thoughts on big-picture parenting.

Well versed in the many parenting books on the market, I have comfortably settled with the Ezzos. I appreciate that the philosophies are so very balanced. Although they suggest that we set the bar quite high, the books are full of thoughts on encouraging children, passing on our moral values, acting as a teacher, speaking their love languages, and more. And rather than focusing on single subset of parenting, the Ezzos’ books cover every scenario imaginable. Perhaps most importantly, their principles work! They give parents a veritable instruction manual on how to raise well-mannered, morally conscious children.

Filed Under: first-time obedience, parenting philosophy Tagged With: ,

Tuesday Triumphs: Family stability

March 1, 2011 By 7 Comments

Notice how the parents are in the center of this picture. In most family pictures, the children are in the center. I like it much better this way. :)

On Friday, my husband went to a friend’s house after work, so the kids and I were on our own for dinner and bedtime. I took them out to dinner, and while we were out, I told them that I would need their cooperation since I would be putting them to bed by myself. William looked at me like I had three heads and asked, “How are you going to do that?!”

What makes his comment noteworthy is that not long ago, I put them to bed by myself every night—for six months. My husband was deployed to Afghanistan and just came home in November.

I reminded William of this, and he seemed to remember, but I’m still shocked by his initial reaction. My husband has been home less than four months, which seems like nothing to me, but I suppose in the life of a child, four months is a long time.

But more important is the idea that my kids have bounced back so easily from the deployment. Those six months were definitely a struggle for all of us. We all had times when we missed him terribly. I expected William to have a harder time with it since he’s older and more aware than his brother, but I didn’t expect him to forget about it less than four months later.

The experience tells me that my kids are resilient to any change or difficulty in our lives, and it’s probably because of the stability we have here at home. Despite the change and difficulty that the deployment brought, our family life is very stable.

This circles back to the marriage priority that I have learned from the Ezzo books. Honestly, if I hadn’t been introduced to these books, I never would have thought to make my marriage a priority for the sake of the children. In fact, most parents these days believe they must put the children above all else, including the marriage. Yet, if we make our marriages the priority, we establish firm family stability—for the children.

Feeling grateful

Ever since I started writing these Tuesday Triumphs, I have become all the more aware of how great my kids are and how meaningful the Ezzos’ books have been to my parenting. Yesterday, when I started contemplating what to write about, I couldn’t really think of much. The troubles we’ve had this week seemed to outweigh the good times. But then I was reminded of this one little comment that William made, and not only did it turn into a whole blog post, but it makes me think about the big picture and validates almost everything I’m doing as a parent.

Your opinion?

So I love to write these posts, but of course, I’m not writing for myself. I’d love to get your thoughts on this series. Do you enjoy reading about our triumphs? Are they entertaining? Are they helpful at all? My intentions are to continue blogging about general parenting, but there’s only so much time in the day. Given that I have a limited amount of time to blog, would you prefer that I offer more generic parenting advice and stick to the books, or should I keep going with my Tuesday Triumphs? Are there any topics that you’d like me to blog about?

Let me know what you think! Please leave a comment below.

Filed Under: parenting philosophy, Tuesday Triumphs Tagged With: , ,
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