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Character in action
Have you ever stopped to think about the fundamentals of building a moral foundation in your child? I think we can all agree that respect, honor, and honesty are the biggies. But how exactly can we determine if our children have a handle on these attributes? The answer: look to their actions.
“The quality of your character and that of your children is best exemplified by the presence of absence of three attributes: respect, honor, and honesty. These are action terms. Having an attitude of respect, honor, and honesty is not enough; there must be an ongoing demonstration of the three,” (Growing Kids God’s Way, p. 90).
Establishing a moral foundation in our children is much more than teaching them what respect, honor, and honesty look like. They must do more than simply understand the basics of these virtues. They need to know how to demonstrate them in their actions.
“Respect, honor, and honesty are critical fibers in the moral fabric of our being. To respect our fellow man is to honor him, and to honor him is to live honestly before him. The parent’s job is to take the intangible concepts of respect, honor, and honesty and make them tangible — to take their abstract meanings and make them concrete. They must show their children what moral truth looks like,” (Growing Kids God’s Way, p. 90-91.)
Leading by example is certainly important in this endeavor. But simply being able to recognize these attributes in our children goes a long way toward making sure we’re fulfilling our duties as parents.
Honestly, it’s not often that I think about my children’s character. I think for the most part, it’s natural to only question their character when we see something go wrong. It’s not often that an action showing respect or honesty will call our attention. It’s simply what we expect. But it’s nice when it does happen.
Recently, a friend commented on how sweet my kids were being with her baby. Not only do I appreciate the fact that they were being gentle with her, but I loved that they were interested in her. Too many kids would simply walk by a baby, completely disinterested. My kids sat with her, chatted with her, and even marveled at her chubby little fingers. Lucas tended to play with her as if she were a doll, but William was interested in her as a human being. And he was doing so in a very respectable, honorable way. It was very sweet just to watch them together.
The next time you’re out, at the park or wherever, just sit back and watch. Do your children show respect, honor, and honesty in their actions? If so, well done!
Obedience training can strengthen your relationship
I often use the phrase “enjoy your children” as a tactic to improve the child’s obedience and the parent’s tolerance for disobedience. But let me say that I enjoy my children–not because I want them to obey but because they do. Let me make that clear, the work we have done on obedience is what enables me to enjoy my children.
We all go through phases with our children. When they are babies, we are completely enamored. Our children can do no wrong, and they are the most beautiful creatures on the planet. Then, they hit about 18 months and things start to go awry. It’s when they hit that “terrible two’s” stage that we parents are challenged to assert our authority and effectively direct our children and teach them important values. Their assertion of independence must be counterbalanced by our teachings to respect others, respect our things, and respect authority.
Now that my boys are older and much of this work has been done, I can say that I genuinely enjoy my children. And it’s clear to me that I enjoy my children not because they have outgrown the terrible two’s or simply because they are older. I enjoy my children because they are beginning to internalize and reflect the values we have taught.
Just tonight, Lucas and I were being silly and joking around with each other while we waited for the shower to be free. It was that small moment, amid the sometimes chaotic bedtime routine, that made me realize how much I truly love these kids. And I love them not because they are my offspring. I love them for the people they have become. They are funny, smart, friendly, creative, affectionate, confident, lovable, loyal, and spirited.
Don’t get me wrong: we do have our challenges (especially with William’s sensory issues), but we are now entering an era where the fun times outweigh the challenging ones.
We have begun homeschooling this year. It’s a journey I never expected of myself or for my children. However, we came to homeschooling naturally, and we are loving it so far. But what strikes me is that when I mention homeschooling to many moms, they ask me how I can stand to be around my kids all day. I often wonder how these moms can stand being away from their children for so many hours in the day!
My kids feel the same way. When we were first discussing the idea of homeschooling, William said to me, “Mommy, I want to homeschool because when I go to school I don’t get to see you.” What a way to melt a mom’s heart!
The Ezzos discuss this shift from leading by our authority to leading by our influence and relationship:
“Knowing what to expect and when to expect it is the key to the healthy balance between leading by authority and leading by influence. It all comes down to this simple principle: External motivations that once governed the child’s life are replaced by internal beliefs that rule from the heart. Moral maturity emancipates the child, allowing him to direct his own behavior in harmony with family values,” (Growing Kids God’s Way, p. 95).
And it is only from our teaching of family values that we can ensure that they will rule from the heart in a way that we appreciate. Notice that we don’t simply wait for them to get older and outgrow any selfishness or a lack of self control that may guide their actions and emotions. We actively teach our values so that when they reach the age that selflessness and self control becomes more easy to attain, their moral warehouse is full, and they draw upon the values that we have instilled.
So put in your work while they are young and you will reap the rewards in spades!
How long is your leash?
As wrong as it seems to compare our children to dogs, I see so many parallels. Children need to be trained just as much as dogs do. And we can compare the freedom we give our children to the leash we use with dogs. Yes, I mean leash in the figurative sense. The thought of putting my child 0n a leash brings up so many images, including a hilarious episode of Modern Family. But think of the leash as a measure of your child’s freedoms.
When my kids are being uncharacteristically disobedient, I tell them and my husband that they are going to be on a short leash. This is my short way of saying that I will:
- Limit their choices
- Make most of their decisions for them
- Require that they hold my hand everywhere we go
- Call their names and require a “yes, mommy” and eye contact at every turn
- Require that they ask permission for almost everything
- Give no leniency when they act up
They don’t need to be on a short leash for long. It works very well in reigning in their behavior. They quickly go back to the obedient kids they are. As with most everything in parenting, they will be as obedient as I expect them to be. If I actively train (or retrain) them, they will be obedient. If I slack off, they will too.
In addition to keeping our children on a short leash, we also need to recognize when to lengthen their leash. When our kids are characteristically obedient, they have earned the freedom to be on a long leash. They are kids, so they can’t be free of the leash completely, but the leash can be long. If we give the freedom and flexibility to explore their world–with the trust that they will treat it well–we can give them that freedom.
He should know better
Do you ever get tired of repeating yourself? Do you ask yourself and your child whether he should know better by now? It’s important to realize that we have a very different perspective on life than our children do. We may have heard ourselves say “don’t jump on the bed” 200 times, but your child may honestly think he’s never heard you say that before.
When was your first memory? I only have a few vague memories from before the age of 5. And true, short-term memory is much different from long-term memory. But can we really expect our 4-year-olds to remember what we said two weeks ago? If it’s a regular issue, sure, we might expect them to remember. But if it’s an issue that only comes up every now and then, they may honestly not remember your rule.
If there’s any doubt, better to treat it as childishness than foolishness. Don’t assume your child knows better and is willingly disobeying you. There’s nothing more frustrating to a child than being held accountable for a rule that he has no memory of.
Perhaps the biggest lesson to be learned from this is that we must always see ourselves as our children’s teachers. Whether it’s an innocent situation of how to behave in front of people they’ve never met or how to behave on a daily trip to the grocery store, we must teach them what we expect. This is particularly true when we discipline our kids. No discipline will be effective if it isn’t followed by teaching.
The Ezzos say it best:
“One of the most basic goals of any correction is that it should promote learning and understanding. Correction requires explanation. Without the why (explanation) of wrong there is no correction, just a random redirection of behavior. Whether a child’s actions are innocent mistakes or malicious disobedience, explanatory teaching will always be necessary. The parent’s job is to give verbal explanation that moves the child from what he did this time to what he should do next time. Whatever the wrong behavior, use it to impart knowledge. If you complete your talk and learning didn’t take place, correction didn’t happen,” (Growing Kids God’s Way, p. 159).
No matter the situation, we should always consider whether the child really knew better. And whether he did or not, we can never stop teaching.
Do you relate to your child?
Did your child come out of the womb looking and acting different from you? Does he take after your distant Uncle Bernie more than you? Our kids are born with their own little personalities. And sometimes, their personalities are far different from our own.
If this is the case, it’s important that we take the time to understand the world from our child’s perspective. We need to relate to our children so we can fully meet their social and emotional needs.
I struggle with this a bit myself. William, my oldest, is the spitting image of my husband. They even have matching personalities. When I describe William, several words come to mind: extroverted, social, smart, always happy, inquisitive, easily excited yet laid back at the same time, bold, and friendly. Sadly, I would not use these words to describe myself. I’m an introvert to the core. While William is adventurous, I like to play it safe. While he likes to try new things, I like to stick with what I know is good. Lucas is the one who looks and acts more like me.
Do I just recognize our differences and call it done? No. I need to find a way to relate to William. I need to understand his needs so I can find a way to meet them (or find someone who does). While the thought of going to a party sounds completely draining to me, I need to realize that a party may be just what William needs to recharge his batteries. And when his inquisitiveness comes out, rather than answer his endless questions with “I don’t know,” I need find it in me to be just as interested and tell him that we’ll look it up later.
Whether your child is just like you or you’re polar opposites, take the time to understand your child and the motivations behind his thoughts and feelings. It’s only by trying to relate to our children that we can truly understand them and give them what they need.
Obedience offers acceptance and approval
I came across a wonderful passage in Growing Kids God’s Way that summarizes the need for a high standard of obedience. We don’t train our children to obey us for our own convenience. Obedience offers so much more. Consider this:
“A child’s feeling of acceptance and sense of approval is directly related to the standard of behavior required by his parents. This is true for all areas of character development and is especially true with first-time obedience. The child whose parents require first-time obedience and encourage him in the process has a greater sense of parental approval, love, and acceptance than a child in a permissive or authoritarian household. Permissive parents tend to ignore the standard for obedience, while authoritarian parents eliminate the need to affirm their children.
“When a child meets a high, established standard and receives parental approval, obedience becomes attractive, and the child knows his parents accept him. The higher the standard, the greater the confirmation and sense of approval. The lower the standard, the weaker the sense of approval and, ultimately, the weaker the parent-child relationship,” (Growing Kids God’s Way, p. 129).
Isn’t that incredible to think that a little work put into training our children in first-time obedience can yield so many amazing results?! Approval, acceptance, character, and a strong parent-child relationship are all important parenting goals.
As I’ve said many times before, laying that foundation of obedience opens the doors to so many opportunities. It’s time well spent.
P.S., The July 4th eBook sale ends today! Order before midnight Pacific time to get your copy of Live in Harmony with First-Time Obedience for just $7.99.
Know when to walk away
It’s so important for parents to take responsibility for the teaching and training we do for our children. When something goes awry, we need to look to ourselves first and realize that our children look to us to learn how to exist in this world. Whether we teach through direct instruction or lead by example, teaching our children is so important.
On the flip side of this is recognizing the importance of knowing when to walk away. At some point in our children’s lives–whether it’s when they start kindergarten or leave for college–they need to take ownership of their own actions. We know we have done our job when our children can walk away from us confidently, knowing how to behave (and believe) in certain situations.
Even when our children are little, we need to train ourselves to recognize when to teach and when to walk away. This idea comes to light in On Becoming Childwise when they discuss allowing our children to surrender with dignity. Essentially, we need to give our children an instruction and walk away with the confidence or expectation that they will follow through. Standing over the child while expecting him to disobey will not produce an obedient heart. If you expect them to disobey, they will. By the same token, if you expect them to obey, they will.
This plays out very clearly in daily life. When you train your child to stay in his room for roomtime, you take the time to explain what is expected of him–and why you expect those behaviors–and then you walk away. You walk away expecting that he will stay in his room. The same plays out when expecting a child to complete a chore. Walk away. But then also have a plan B for when the child doesn’t comply. The Ezzos tells us our children won’t be obedient 100% of the time, so we need to have a plan for how to deal with the child when they choose to disobey.
Just yesterday, I sent William, my 7-year-old, into the laundry room to put a load into the dryer. I told him exactly what I needed him to do, and I didn’t even follow him into the laundry room. I expected that he was old enough to understand my instructions and follow through with the care and determination that I would expect. Well, wouldn’t you know it, he ended up putting half of the load in the dryer, and then proceeded to throw the clothes around the room with his brother. They were playing some silly game with each other with the clothes. Plan A worked fine…until it didn’t. As soon as I heard the silliness, they were both sent to sit on their beds.
But at no point in the process did I stand over my child to ensure he completed the task. I allowed him to surrender with dignity, and then when he chose not to obey, I exerted my authority and sent him to his room. And even when sending both boys (now 4 and 7) to their rooms, at no point did I even have to follow them upstairs or make sure they sat on their beds. They have a healthy respect for my authority now that they will go up and sit very willingly (even though they hate it). From the very start of the whole episode, I gave a verbal instruction and never felt the need to watch over them. In fact, I think I stayed sitting in my chair the whole time.
The lesson to be learned from all of this is that we parents need to draw a line in the sand. There are times–especially when they’re toddler or preschool aged–when we need to stand over them and make sure they follow our instructions. And then there are times when we simply expect them to obey and have a plan for when they don’t. There’s nothing more suffocating to a child than a parent who stands over them with a critical eye. If the child is characterized by being 90% obedient, you should walk away 90% of the time. If he’s obedient 60% of the time, walk away 60% of the time.
And yes, our children will disobey. But we need to give them the freedom to disobey by their own free will so they will be able to learn from the experience. We all learn from our mistakes, don’t we? Let’s give our children the same courtesy.
Childishness vs. defiance
When your child misbehaves, does he do it out of willful defiance? Or is it that he just doesn’t know any better? The Ezzos make the distinction between childishness and defiance in the chapter titled “Five Laws of Correction” in On Becoming Childwise.
“If parenting were all about drawing lines, we would quickly run out of chalk. Fortunately, a thick black line has already been drawn for us in permanent ink. It marks the border between two totally separate realms of behavior. On one side is the land of Childish Mistakes. On the other is the land of Defiant Misdeeds…. The first speaks of rebellious acts, the second speaks of acts committed with malicious intent. Both require correction, but of different kinds,” (On Becoming Childwise, p. 131).
Understanding the difference between the childishness and defiance makes perfect sense when you’re reading a book (or a blog). But when you’re in the throes of parenting a young child, it can be easy to forget that sometimes they just don’t know any better. We often think that they should already know better. But we need to ask ourselves whether we’ve really taken the time to teach the child in whatever behavior it is that we expect.
And we can’t expect that a lesson in one area will carry over to another. Kids are so black and white and don’t always make the connections that we adults do. Maybe you’ve told the child that he must stay in his chair while eating lunch, but will he know that the rule also applies to breakfast and dinner? Or maybe you’ve taught your older child never to walk on the carpet with his shoes on, and just assumed that your younger child learned through osmosis.
So much about parenting involves teaching our children. It applies just as much to behavior issues as it does to moral ones.
The next time you’re frustrated with your child and ready to correct him, stop yourself and make sure that it is an act of willful defiance and not just childishness. This should help you remember:
“Childishness is usually a head problem–a lack of knowledge. Defiance is usually a heart problem–the child does not what to do right,” (On Becoming Childwise, p. 133).
If you tend toward leniency, the above quote will help you as well. If you’re faced with defiance and try to make excuses for the child, thinking he doesn’t know any better, think about the child’s motive behind his actions.
“When instructions have been given and received about something, there is little room for ‘innocent mistakes’ regarding that behavior. If the wrong thing is intentionally done, it’s disobedience–outright defiance–pure and simple,” (On Becoming Childwise, p. 133).
This is where getting your “yes, mommy” and eye contact play a huge role. When the child is looking you in the eye and has acknowledged you with a verbal response, you have little doubt that he heard your instruction. If he fails to comply, he’s being defiant.
If you are new to my blog and the idea of “yes, mommy” and eye contact, read more at those links. You might also benefit from reading my eBook, Live in Harmony with First-Time Obedience, which lays out how to use these tools to get your child to obey immediately and consistently.
Excuses excuses
How many times have you heard another parent make excuses for their children’s behavior? How often do YOU make excuses for your child’s behavior?
There are many factors (personality, age, birth order, etc.) that affect who our children are and who they will become. But for many parents, it’s often easy to blame those factors when their children are showing undesirable behavior or attitudes.
What’s important to realize is that those many factors may explain the attitude or behavior you’re seeing, but they don’t excuse it. Help your child overcome any limitations that limit his character.
Here are a few of those factors that are often used as excuses:
Personality
We all have inborn personality traits. Until I saw it in my own kids, who are so very different from each other, I didn’t fully comprehend how much of our personality is inborn versus how much is developed over time. Don’t use your child’s personality as an excuse for rudeness, disrespect, lack of self-control or any other undesirable trait.
Stop yourself when you hear phrases like, “Oh, he’s all boy,” or “She’s just quiet.” Accept these traits, but also work with your child to help them overcome them when the need arises.
“‘But she’s shy,’ blurted a mother apologetically. While shyness itself is not morally right or wrong, it does have moral facets. Shyness is not an acceptable excuse for disrespect. It cannot be used as a legitimate excuse for disrespect, because temperamental strengths and weaknesses do not exempt a child from right moral responses. If someone says hi to your child, the correct response should be, at least, hi,” (On Becoming Childwise, p. 101).
If you find yourself confronted with a situation that your child handles poorly because of a personality trait, simply smile at the person involved and say, “I’m sorry; we are working on this.” And then when you get home, teach your child how to speak politely, gain self control, or whatever trait it is that you’re working on.
Ages and stages
There’s no doubt that our children’s ages affect who they are. And they go through developmental phases that define their personality for a time. Just as you would with personality traits, don’t use the child’s age as an excuse for poor attitude or behavior.
It’s pretty obvious that you would work with a two-year-old to limit tantrums, especially in public and in response to a friend. But it may not be as obvious to work with older children. Understand that other phases are just as important. What would you do if:
- Your 5-year-old suddenly starts fighting with his siblings?
- Your 7-year-old starts whispering and telling secrets with friends, as he gains independence from mom and dad?
- Your 10-year-old walks around with a haughty attitude and inflated ego as peers lavish attention?
- Your 13-year-old challenges your authority, arguing that her friends’ parents aren’t so strict?
No matter what the developmental phase, our children will change over time and will quite likely pick up some undesirable habits. Don’t blame the age and expect that it will go away. Quite possibly, ignoring the issue will make it worse!
“Sibling conflict is not simply a phase that children go through. It is a moral problem that desperately needs correcting. Although sibling conflict is frustrating for any parent to observe, it is possible to carry out the first principle between siblings, but it will take consistent hard work,” (On Becoming Childwise, p. 105).
Birth order
In The Birth Order Book, Kevin Leman lays out the personality traits that we all gain based on our position in the family. First-borns are often perfectionists and take on leadership roles with siblings. They often insist on order and routine. Middle children often take on a peacekeeper status. The babies of the family often become the family comedian.
Again, while it’s important to understand how birth order affects our personalities, we cannot use it to excuse attitude and behavior. You might see birth order differences come out in the way the children speak to each other:
First born: “You can’t do it that way. It has to be this way. You’re doing it all wrong!”
Middle child: “Why can’t you guys just get along?”
Youngest: “I want to do it my way. You’re being mean to me. I’m going to go tell mom.”
In response to such remarks, the Ezzos say:
“Your children should never speak rudely to each other. Evil intended remarks such as, ‘I don’t love you,’ ‘You’re ugly,’ or threats like ‘I’m going to tell,’ are unacceptable. Keep watch! Training children to restrain their unkind speech is one of the most overlooked areas in parenting,” (On Becoming Childwise, p. 107).
It’s not just luck
Understand that children don’t behave well and act morally through dumb luck. It takes parental training and resolve.
“Morally trained children know how to respect property, age, and peers. Such children are a joy to be around, because they are complete, equipped with moral reason. They are not the product of chance or genetics. People will mistakenly say to these parents, ‘You’re so lucky to have children like that.’ But it’s not luck, it’s the result of consistent, persistent, parental training. These children’s actions demonstrate humility of heart, which is what real character training is all about,” (On Becoming Childwise, p. 109).
Cultivate critical thinking
Last week, I encouraged you to put the flash cards away and trade rote academic teaching for imaginative play and virtue development. Some of you may have wondered whether parents could do both. Can’t we keep the flash cards out as long as we also work with them on important virtues that will serve them well in school?
This would seem to make sense, right? Sorry, but I still encourage you to put the flash cards away. Here’s why.
Abstracts concepts like flat numbers and letters limit our children’s ability to think critically, especially if they are introduced at a time when the child is not developmentally ready for them.
Critical thinking has become a rare commodity in our country. We can succeed in school as long as we ace the multiple choice tests, fill in the right bubbles on standardized tests, and memorize random facts that the schools deem important.
I don’t know about you, but I would much rather have a child who can read a piece of classical literature, analyze it for meaning, and write a critical essay on the topic. Yes, there is a time and place for absorbing facts, but if they have no meaning, they will quickly be forgotten.
The role of fantasy in critical thinking
I touched on the importance of imaginative play in a recent post. Supporting my thoughts, this article offers a great explanation as to why critical thinking is so important (despite the decline we now see) and how cultivating our children’s imagination or fantasy plays an important role. The author says:
“If fantasy is allowed to ripen side by side with thinking, these two faculties mature into creative thinking, a capacity to visualize not only how things are but also how they might be.”
This plays out in the world as a whole but also in school.
“Without imagination, one cannot picture an event in history, a verbal problem in mathematics, or the characters of a book. To approach academic subjects without imagination is a dull affair at best, and it is not surprising that children who are being educated without benefit of imagination at the elementary level find learning so uninteresting.”
Imagine the stress and burnout that arises from such uninteresting learning. How many teens do you know who truly enjoy going to school? How many adults do you know who enjoy learning for the sake of learning?
“At the elementary school level, one frequently hears about burnout among third- and fourth-grade pupils. After age nine, many children simply do not want to learn any more. In the high school, educators say that many students seem unable to think. Ask them a defined question that requires a true/false answer or a multiple choice, and they do all right. But ask them to think through a problem and explain their solutions, and many are at a loss.”
What does academic success look like?
Maybe this simple exercise will help. When you imagine your child succeeding in school, what do you think of?
Scenario A
- She leaves preschool able to read all of the “-at” words and doing basic math (1+2).
- She thrives on earning straight As.
- She spends her free time doing worksheets.
- She smiles when the teacher puts a gold star on her paper.
Sounds great, right? Well, think about this scenario.
Scenario B
- She comes bounding in the door after school excited to get started on her science experiment. You have to stop her to eat a snack.
- As she works on her homework, she makes a mental connection that you never expected.
- You hear from the teacher that she told the kids all about Picasso. You then realize it was from the art exhibit you visited 3 months ago.
- You see her acting out a play with her friends and realize all of the characters are from the classical novel you’ve been reading to her at night.
Which scenario do you think will encourage a life-long love of learning? Which scenario requires fantasy (and thus, critical thought)? Which scenario will prevent boredom? Which scenario sounds more fun?
Can’t we still teach them letters and numbers?
Yes, just not yet. There is a developmentally appropriate time for a child to learn how to read. In my experience, early reading begins around age 5, and if you let it happen naturally, it won’t be long (6 months to a year) before he reads fluently. As with potty training, if you start when they are ready and let it progress naturally, it will happen much more quickly and painlessly.
Some of you may even contend that your toddler wants to learn his letters and numbers. If this is the case, I ask you why you think he wants to learn them. What meaning do they have for him? I’m willing to bet that the joy he gets is seeing your smiles and hearing your praise. If you can give the same smiles and praise over more meaningful learning, he will be just as excited to learn.
Understand that it’s not just a matter of how much time you devote to learning. What you teach your child—and when you teach it—can affect his neurodevelopment.
Another article explains this clearly:
“Perhaps most disturbing is the potential for the early exposure to academics to physiologically damage developing brains. Although the brain continues to change throughout life in response to learning, young children undergo a number of sensitive periods critical to healthy development; learning to speak a language and responding to social cues are two such domains. Appropriate experiences can hone neural pathways that will help the child during life; by the same token, stressful experiences can change the brain’s architecture to make children significantly more susceptible to problems later in life, including depression, anxiety disorders—even cardiovascular disease and diabetes.
Bruce McEwen, a neuroendocrinologist at the Rockefeller University, notes that asking children to handle material that their brain is not yet equipped for can cause frustration. Perceiving a lack of control is a major trigger of toxic stress, which can damage the hippocampus, a brain area crucial to learning and memory.”
I don’t intend for this to be a scare tactic. But given that teaching abstract letters and numbers has the potential to negatively affect your young child’s brain and his ability to process information—and that we prefer scenario B listed above anyway—why would you want to push early academic learning? Why wouldn’t you want to put those flash cards away?
I’ll leave at that for now. In my next post, I’ll give you some ideas on what you can start doing today to cultivate critical thinking and encourage life-long learning that has meaning for your child.