Does your child have motivation to obey?

April 9, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Source: parentinghopes.com

Do you give your child enough of a motivation to obey? I’m not talking about reward charts and potty training incentives. I’m talking about your relationship.

Yes, our children should obey (the first time) because we expect them to. We expect them to obey our word. But when that obedience isn’t happening, we should ask ourselves whether the child has enough motivation.

When you spend your days angry and frustrated by your child’s behavior, imagine how he feels. He spends his days with an angry, frustrated mom who does nothing to encourage or show love for him. He spends more time in timeout than playing, being silly, or being loved. Sometimes, in these times of frustration, mom’s expectations are unreasonable and unfair. Mom’s inconsistency complicates the matter.

Our children will rise to whatever expectation we set for them. But they must have motivation to do so. If they’re not feeling loved or encouraged, they’re not going to go out of their way to please us. If they expect that we’ll be disappointed, they figure they may as well not even try.

It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The child misbehaves. You’re disappointed. He misbehaves some more. You’re all the more disappointed. You try to buckle down, eventually setting inconsistent, unrealistic expectations. The child is exacerbated and misbehaves more. Weeks or months go on like this, and the child loses all motivation.

Who will be the first to break the cycle? The parent, I hope. The child is a child and is only following the path you set for him. If you find yourself in a cycle like this, consider tossing aside all of your discipline for a day or two. Cancel all meetings, play dates, etc. Just be in the moment with your child and do all you can to show your love. Be silly. Go on walks. Let him stop at every twig and leaf that interests him. Go out for ice cream. Snuggle while reading books.

Don’t think of these things as rewards for his misbehavior. Think of them as the necessary lifeblood for your relationship. Inject life and love back into your relationship. Lay that foundation of love and encouragement, and then if he continues to misbehave you can correct in love, not frustration.

Always remember that our ultimate goal is not perfect obedience, but a loving relationship between parent and child. Parenting is nothing without a child who wants to please us. Lose that and you lose everything. So do all you can to encourage obedience, but always make sure your child is motivated to please you.

Filed Under: prevention Tagged With: , ,

Managing authority

April 4, 2012 By 1 Comment

Source: goodenoughmother.com

How well do you manage your authority over your children? Do other people think you’re too strict? Too permissive? Do you bribe or threaten your way out of bad behavior?

“Let’s face it, authority has been a struggle for humankind from Cain and Abel to Bonnie and Clyde. Children struggle with it from birth, and as we grow older, the struggles just grow,” (On Becoming Childwise).

Despite our struggles with authority, we cannot parent our children without it. We cannot teach them the ways of the world without it. We cannot coexist peacefully without it. How we handle authority sets the tone for our parenting.

“Everybody has an idea for handling authority: diversion, persuasion, surrender, bribery, pleading,” (On Becoming Childwise).

We must be strong enough to take a position of authority even when other people think we are too strict.

“For many people, authority has taken on a derogatory flavor. We almost feel like we have to apologize when we use it. … [But] authority is a necessary positive. Until man can order his own affairs, until he ceases to prey on his brothers, he will need someone to maintain order. This is critical for children. The proper use of authority, whether it be parental leadership in the home or civic government, is not restraint, but liberation,” (On Becoming Childwise).

This idea that authority brings freedom and comfort echoes what I said in my last post about the cadre in French parenting.

Despite this clear need for authority, we must be sure to find the right balance:

“The parent who controls too little and the parent who controls too much both reflect misconceptions and false antagonism that have misguided today’s parents. Though both approaches are attempts to produce conscientious, responsible children, they are extremes which apply improper use of authority,” (On Becoming Childwise).

We should take a step back and decide where our authority lies in the spectrum.

“Sadly, many parents live at one of these unwise poles. The over-authoritarian parent may employ highly punitive and sometimes abusive practices which come with strict rules and heavy-handed punishment. The problem here is not the exercise of authority, as some believe, but the excessive and wrongful use of authority,” (On Becoming Childwise).

Every time we exert authority over our children, we should question our reason for doing so. Yes, authority is required, but it should be used to protect the health, safety and morality of our children. If it is used for our own convenience or ego, the authority has been abused.

This line between healthy and abusive authority can be easily blurred. Holding a young child’s hand while crossing the street is a clear use of healthy authority. Making that same child sit in the shopping cart at the grocery store may be an unnecessary use of authority. Perhaps the child is responsible enough to handle the freedom of not sitting in the cart. And at the far end of the extreme, using our authority to require a child spend his Saturday mowing the lawn, doing the dishes, folding the laundry, pulling weeds and fetching us a glass of water is an abuse of authority.

Make sure every use of your authority is done in the name of helping the child become a better person. If it doesn’t promote health, safety or morality, let your authority relax and let the child be a child. 

Filed Under: parenting philosophy Tagged With: , ,

Are you the parent you want to be?

March 23, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Source: tnspdg.com

As I discussed in my last post, there are many times I want to be a permissive parent, but I know that realistically, I can’t be. I take comfort in what the Ezzos have taught me and aside from a few minor tweaks I could make, I know that I am the parent I want to be.

How about you? Are you the parent you want to be? Do you enjoy your children? Do other people enjoy your children?

I think it’s important to take a step back and reflect on our parenting every now and then. Understand the characteristics of permissiveness vs. legalism. Think about both the big picture and your day-to-day lives.

Ask yourself about your children:

  • Do they seem happy and content or argumentative and stressed out?
  • Are they learning everything you’d like them to learn?
  • Are they responsible and independent, or do they rely on you too much?
  • Do they respect your authority or consistently talk back and defy you?
  • When you think of your children 5-10 years from now, do you like what you see?

Ask yourself about yourself:

  • Do you enjoy being around your children?
  • Do you take every opportunity to be away from them (or turn on the TV)?
  • Are you happy and content around them, or are you a stressed-out yeller?
  • Do other people think you’re too strict or too permissive?
  • Do you take the time to teach them what you want them to learn?
  • Do you do so happily and lovingly, or do you do nothing but lecture, guilt and nag?
  • Are you able to command respect, or do you avoid taking a position of authority?
  • Do you put in the work it takes to train your children? Do you realize that it takes work?
  • Do you blame your child for his misdeeds, or do you look to yourself first?
  • Do you have a plan for what to do when things go sideways?
  • Are you able to balance discipline with love, encouragement and fun?

These are just a few questions you can ask yourself. If you don’t like the answers, do what it takes to become the parent you want to be. Parenting starts with parents. So if you don’t like what you see, you have the power to change.

Do it now before it’s too late. As trite as this sounds, our children grow up too fast. It would be sad to look back 10 years from now and realize that you didn’t enjoy 80% of those years. Vow to yourself that you will enjoy your children and become the parent it takes to get yourselves there. I can’t think of anything more important. So do whatever it takes.

Filed Under: parenting philosophy Tagged With: ,

Parenting: It’s all about attitude

March 19, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Source: howtolearn.com

Your attitude as a parent is what defines the type of parent you are. Attitude is also one of the key components of any child trained in first-time obedience. It’s important to understand that both the parent’s and child’s attitudes must be in the right place.

Before working on first-time obedience training, mom and dad must work on their own attitudes. Establishing authority and requiring respect must form the basis of all parenting.

“Teaching children to respect and honor their parents is basic to teaching them how to show respect for others. It starts with the parents,” (Growing Kids God’s Way, p. 92).

There are three important parenting attitude types to consider:

  • Threatening, repeating parent
  • Permissive parent
  • Authoritarian parent

The threatening, repeating parent
Beware of the threatening, repeating parent syndrome. This represents the antithesis of first-time obedience. As you can imagine, threatening and repeating parents do everything but require a high standard of obedience. The threatening, repeating parent yells at the child to get his attention, repeats himself at every turn and spouts empty threats. These parents flip-flop between letting behaviors go and yelling when they get to be too much.

The permissive parent
Permissive parents are guided by laziness and fear. They tend to let their children do as they please because they are fearful of damaging the child’s self-esteem, fearful of the child’s inability to obey, fearful of losing their child’s friendship, fearful of imposing boundaries, fearful of being as strict as their own parents were. Many permissive parenting households are run very democratically with the child’s opinions being weighted just as highly as the parents’ (if not more so). In permissive parenting circles, the word “obey” is considered a four-letter word.

The authoritarian parent
Authoritarian parents are guided by the principles, “Do a I say, not as I do,” “Because I said so,” and “Children are to be seen and not heard.” Authority and obedience are the name of the game. There’s nothing wrong with authority and obedience, but the authoritarian parent takes it to the extreme and refuses to understand that love and encouragement are just as important. Legalism, not balance, guide the authoritarian parent. These parents stick to the letter of the law no matter what. The child’s needs and desires aren’t considered. These parents also fail to realize that you cannot treat a teenager like a toddler. The relationship falls apart (if it was ever there to begin with), and the teenager rebels and wants nothing to do with his parents.

Find the balance
If you follow the Ezzos’ teachings, you will command respect like the authoritarian parent, but you will also choose your battles like the permissive parent. You will have the strength to warn your children of discipline, but you won’t spout empty threats like the threatening, repeating parent. Like the permissive parent, you will consider your relationship and self-esteem, but you won’t let fear guide your parenting. Like the authoritarian parent, you will teach your children to respect your word, but you will also be fair when your child respectfully disagrees.

All this week, I’ll discuss this idea a bit more so you can make sure you are finding the right balance in your parenting attitude.

Filed Under: first-time obedience, parenting philosophy Tagged With: , , , , ,

Do you enjoy your child?

March 9, 2012 By 3 Comments

Source: theparentfairy.blogspot.com

How’s that for a loaded question? I think it’s important for all parents to ask themselves this question every now and then. Yes, we go through struggles with our children. Yes, they often do their best to push our buttons and test boundaries. But on the whole, we should be enjoying the time we spend with our children.

If your answer to this question is an unequivocal no, it is your cue that you need to change your parenting methods. Do be honest with yourself when you ask yourself this question. Nobody else needs to know. Have your spouse ask himself the same question, especially if you see struggles between him and the child.

Understand that the onus to change your situation falls on you. If you don’t enjoy your child, do not blame the child. Children will very happily comply with our instructions when we are clear and consistent. You might find this very encouraging. It’s all under your control!

Take the steps you need to take to change the atmosphere in your home. Keep your eye on the goal (a happy, loving relationship with your child), and do the work it takes to get yourselves there.

Here are some ideas:

1)    Read, read, read. Learn all you can about different parenting methods.

2)    Talk to older, wiser parents. Learn from their experiences.

3)    Take a parenting class with your spouse. Ask around at local churches to see where you might find a Growing Kids God’s Way class.

4)    Step back and evaluate your attitude. Are you too lax? Too strict? Yes, children need to be corrected, but don’t make your life more difficult by focusing on behaviors that make a child a child. Choose your battles.

5)    Make sure you have all the basics under your belt. Work on good eating and sleeping habits. Practice couch time and avoid child-centered parenting.

6)    Do all that you can to prevent misbehaviors. Don’t wait for the child to misbehave before you act.

7)    If you have the basics under control, work on first-time obedience. You can learn more in my eBook, Live in Harmony with First-Time Obedience. It will take work to train your child in first-time obedience, but the payoff is so worth it.

Always remember your goal. If you ever need encouragement to continue your work in parenting, remember that you are working on developing a happy, loving relationship with your child. Remind yourself of that sweet little soul you saw when he was a baby or toddler. Stare at him while he sleeps. Trust that his sweet spirit will reemerge. He wants to be that sweet little child; he just needs your help to get there.

Filed Under: miscellaneous Tagged With: , , ,

The micro-rebellious child

February 22, 2012 By 4 Comments

Source: paisleyjade.com

In my next post, I will discuss parenting the heart through values-based teaching. In this one, I discuss identifying heart issues as they relate to micro-rebellion.

Micro-rebellion is a term coined by the Ezzos that describes seemingly minor disobedience that is disobedience nonetheless. Micro = small or minor. Macro = big or major.

The thing about micro-rebellion is that while the action or misbehavior might seem minor, the concern with the child’s heart is anything but. In fact, parenting a micro-rebellious child can be difficult because the child’s disobedience isn’t always obvious.

Think about it this way. Macro-rebellion is easy to spot. Say you tell your child to be careful with his plastic baseball bat, and he proceeds to whack his baby sister in the head with it. That is macro-rebellion.

Micro-rebellion isn’t so easy to spot. Say you tell your child to stay off the tile floor because you just mopped it. The child proceeds to put only his toes on the tile floor. He doesn’t run across the floor or even step onto it with one foot. Only his toes cross the threshold.

I wish there were better words to describe micro-rebellious behavior, but sneaky and manipulative come to mind.

At the beginning of this post, I mentioned that identifying micro-rebellion is a heart issue. If a parent dismisses such behaviors as nothing but minor infractions, the child learns that he can disobey as long as it’s minor disobedience. The child learns that he can disobey as long as he’s sneaky and manipulative about it.

I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather have a child who is blatant with his disobedience! So be on the lookout for micro-rebellion, and treat every form of disobedience (big or small) as disobedience.

Filed Under: first-time obedience Tagged With: ,

Allow children to be second-best and good enough

February 20, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Source: semi-blog.com

There are some parents in this world who, in an effort to bolster the self-esteem, praise the child for being great. They give the child opportunities to do great things, and make a point to tell the children how great they are. Ensuring the child is first and best is their focus.

While I’m all for having a strong self-esteem, I don’t think our parenting should be centered on it. In fact, rather than ensuring our children are first and great, we should give them ample opportunity to be second-best and good enough.

Many of today’s sporting events aren’t scored and every child receives a trophy. Lest any child’s self-esteem be hurt by losing, these parents teach that win or lose, you’re still great.

Also think about the parents who insist on their child being first and best. They might argue with a teacher on a “B” grade even when the work doesn’t reflect “A” effort. They hire a private coach so the child can be first and best in a particular sport. Or they hire a professional tutor, not for a remedial child, but so the child can be better and smarter than his peers. The playing field is anything but level.

Imagine the attitude issues that come from being first and great:

  • Boastful pride
  • Thinking you’re better than everyone else
  • Teasing others for not being as great
  • Winning is everything, no matter how it affects others around you

Alternatively, being second-best and good enough teaches the child that:

  • A humble attitude is better than a boastful one
  • He does not walk on water
  • Second-rate effort earns second-rate grades
  • Considering others is more important than winning
  • Coping with loss is a skill to be learned

Consider how you might react when your child comes in second or is only good enough (not great). Will you complain to those in authority, or will you be honest with the child and tell him that he didn’t do his best? If he loses a T-ball game, will you run out and hire a professional coach? Or will you practice with him at home, teaching him the value of practice and hard work? Better yet, will you teach him the emotional skills that are required to cope with the loss?

With your little ones, think about ways that you can ensure the child doesn’t always win. If you’re playing a board game, don’t throw it every time. If you’re racing down the street, only let him win in his own right.

Throughout your parenting years, allow your child to lose. Yes, we always want the best for them. But being first and great isn’t always what’s best. The more you allow a child to lose, the better he’ll be able to cope with losing as an adult and the more he’ll learn the value of giving honest effort.

 

Filed Under: moral training, Uncategorized Tagged With:

10 ways to save your sanity

January 12, 2012 By Leave a Comment

by Valerie Plowman from Chronicles of a Babywise Mom

As adorable, intelligent, sweet, kind, fun, loving, and all around perfect we find our children to be, there are still those moments when our children absolutely drive us to the brink of insanity. Some days you think you just might lose your mind. Some children push us there harder and faster than others. I love this quote, “A sweet and obedient child will enroll a father or mother only in Parenting 101. If you are blessed with a child who tests your patience to the nth degree, you will be enrolled in Parenting 505.” Oh how I know that.

I recently faced a day when a certain child of mine had pushed me to my limit. I was very frustrated. I don’t like to be frustrated in general and especially not with my children, so I came up with a list of things to do when I need to save my sanity.

First, five ways to collect yourself:

  1. Pray. The first thing I did when I reached my limit was hit my knees and pray. I prayed for patience, for understanding, for love, and for help. I definitely got it, and thus this list was born.
  2. Take a Time Out. It can help to take a time out for yourself and gain some perspective. Chances are once you are able to take a moment to breathe, you can assess the situation for what it really is and will realize it is not as terrible as it seems in the heat of the moment. Taking a time out for yourself is definitely not as easy as just walking away if you have young children. You need to first get that child in a safe situation before you go take your time out.
  3. Call Your Spouse. I find strength in calling my husband and talking things through with him. He can offer some sanity-saving perspective and yet can also understand to some degree what I am talking about. Sometimes just venting about it can help relieve some pressure. You can also brainstorm with your spouse ideas for solving the issue if it needs to be solved.
  4. Get Inspiration and Peace. Sing a favorite tune–something that brings peace to you like a hymn. Read a favorite scripture–especially one that encourages you to press forward or to love unconditionally. Read a favorite quote that boosts you up.
  5. Find the Humor. You know how when someone else’s child is acting up you can find it really funny, but when it is your child, you are not so amused? I think of a friend whose son one day got into her 5 gallon bucket of flour. Hilarious story from my perspective. It might not have been so funny to me if I had walked into my kitchen to find 5 gallons of flour spread by a toddler…try to find the humor in what you are facing.

Next, five ways to grow that love for your child so you can maintain better patience in the future:

  1. List 10 Things You Love. Either write down on paper, think to yourself, or verbalize to your child ten things you love about your child. What is it about this age you will miss when it is gone? What unique personality traits do you enjoy about your child? What things does your child do that you appreciate? This turns our focus to the good–we see the wheat in our field rather than the tares. There will always be good and always be bad, and focusing on the good helps us love and appreciate the good there is.
  2. Recall Memories. This is when some form of journal-keeping comes in handy. This can be in a traditional written journal, a scrapbook, a baby book, a slideshow of pictures on your computer, a list of funny things your child has done…take a moment to remember the good times. Remember how you think this child is pretty much one of the top five most amazing people to grace this planet? Remind yourself of why.
  3. Do Service. The answer to our own pity parties is always to serve others. Think of some service you can provide to your child at this moment.
  4. Do Fun. Create a new fun memory. Read a book, play a game, paint fingernails…do something just fun together that is no-stress.
  5. Cuddles and Hugs. Cuddle up and give your child hugs. I find when I am feeling frustrated with a child, giving a nice, long hug always melts away that frustration.

I wanted to add a bit of advice, also. If your child is suddenly acting out of sorts and not being himself, there is a good chance there is a good reason for that. He might be teething or have an ear infection. Maybe he is feeling like he needs more one-on-one time with you. Once you have saved your sanity and are ready to face the day with grace again, take some time to see if there is an extenuating circumstance that has put your child in a super grumpy mood. Remember my day I was super frustrated that I talked about in the beginning? Well, I knew it was uncharacteristic, and a trip to the doctor the next morning revealed a double ear infection.

I leave you with this quote from Thomas S. Monson: If you are still in the process of raising children, be aware that the tiny fingerprints that show up on almost every newly cleaned surface, the toys scattered about the house, the piles and piles of laundry to be tackled will disappear all too soon and that you will—to your surprise—miss them profoundly.

I believe this to be true. Grandmother after grandmother tries to impress this upon me and every other young mother out there when she gets the chance. I already see things I miss profoundly; as our days go by more and more quickly, I try to maintain my sanity and cherish each moment to the best of my ability. I want to remember these moments with fondness, a bit of humor, and without regret.

Filed Under: parenting, prevention Tagged With: ,

Should we say “please?”

December 23, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Source: countryprimitivegatherings.com

Anne Marie Ezzo recently brought to my attention the importance of saying “please” to our children when we make an instruction. I have previously cautioned parents when saying “please” because it can sometimes make the parent’s instruction sound like an option.

The key to using “please” with our instructions is saying it with authority and moving it from the end of the instruction to the beginning. Consider the following:

“Mary, put your toys away, please?”

“Evan, play time is over. Please pick up your toys now.”

The difference is subtle, the first example above is often said with a question mark at the end. When we say “please,” we can still be courteous, but we must do so with an air of authority.

Here is how Anne Marie Ezzo described it:

“While a parent may not want to tack a “please” to the end of their instruction, they can certainly use that courtesy when giving an instruction by simply moving it from the end to the beginning. Mom is demonstrating a courtesy, she is clearly stating her instructions, and the tone is one of greater control and genuine authority. The child is being addressed respectfully and being spoken to as we would like to be spoken to. Many principles are being modeled by a simple replacement rather than elimination of a word.”

So consider adding the word “please” to your parenting vocabulary, but we must be sure to say it with authority. And by the same token, we can freely use the words “thank you” after a child complies with our requests.

 

Filed Under: moral training Tagged With:

“But, but, I just…”

December 21, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Source: endlessimpact.com

Do you hear these words from the mouth of your child? If so, consider that the child might be challenging your authority. These words work their way into the conversation like this:

  • Parent: Jack, it’s time to put your toys away and wash your hands for dinner.
  • Child: But, but, I was just going to finish this one little thing.

Or

  • Parent: Kate, treat your little sister more kindly please.
  • Child: But I was just telling her how to play.

What often happens when we hear these words is that we get drawn into a power struggle with the child about the instruction.

Words of negotiation
When our children speak these words, it is their attempt to negotiate with us. Their negotiation attempts are disguised challenges to our authority. When we strive toward first-time obedience, we cannot allow our children to negotiate their way out of a direct instruction.

“’Why can’t I?’, ‘Do I have to?’, and ‘But Mom!’ reflect an attitude which is not an appeal but a challenge to authority,” (Growing Kids God’s Way, p. 206).

In the spirit of saying what we mean and meaning what we say, it’s important to follow through on an instruction no matter how much the child objects. In fact, it’s all the more important to follow through when they object, so that we assert our authority and convey the idea that negotiation isn’t tolerated.

When we hear these words from our children, we must tell them that they are not tolerated. Teach him to replace his reply with “yes, mommy” or “yes, mom” as he complies with your instruction.

What if the child has a valid argument?
It’s true that we need to consider the needs of the child when we make requests of them, but the key to this is doing so before giving the instruction, not after the child objects.

For example, if you need to call your child to dinner, check on him to see that he’s nearing a stopping point in his play. If he’s watching TV, don’t call him when there are just five minutes left of his show. Of course, there are times when we need our kids to obey even if it’s a bad time, but if you have the flexibility, find a good time to give your instructions.

The appeal process
To avoid exasperating our children, it’s important to consider the appeal process. This idea warrants its own post altogether. But essentially, for a child who is characterized by first-time obedience and who understands the concept (about age 7 and above), you can allow a child to humbly appeal your instruction if they have new information regarding the instruction.

The Ezzos explain it well:

“Sensitivity must be present throughout the training process, or we risk emotionally exasperating our children…. Yet, even the most discerning parent will, at times, be insensitive to special situations. That is precisely why the appeal process is necessary. The child becomes proactive in providing needed information that will help the parent make an informed decision about his or her previous instruction,” (Growing Kids God’s Way, p. 203).

Be on the lookout for a future post on this topic, but in the meantime, start recognizing when your child attempts to dispute your authority, and always do your best to time your instructions appropriately.

Filed Under: first-time obedience Tagged With: , , , ,
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