Source: fantasyhockeyscouts.com

Many of us are heading into the last few weeks of school for the year. My boys get out of school on June 13. That’s just a few weeks before we will be forced to make some routine adjustments. While I look forward to having them home, I know that I will have to structure our days, or else they’ll end up getting into all kinds of trouble!

I had a rude awakening just the other day. I had to get some work done after they came home from school. You would have thought a tornado had run through our house! My husband even asked what happened. If I had just taken a few minutes to put them in roomtime or sibling playtime in one of their rooms, they would have caused far less mischief (and mess).

So save yourself this hassle all summer long. And no, you don’t need to be running all over town driving from one summer camp to the next. Just structure your days at home. Read more for some background on structuring your day and creating your schedule.

If you’re not one to follow a strict schedule, just jot down a few items and when they’ll take place. They might include:

• Regular meals and snacks
• Roomtime
• Sibling playtime
• Naps/quiet time (depending on the age of the child)
• Reading time
• Couch time
• Chores
• Bath/shower

I would advise you to have just these basics down every day. If those don’t quite fill your days, other schedule items include:

• Classes: art, music, etc.
• Library story times
• Outside play (This can be so important for quality sleep, it might belong in the must-have category.)
• TV/computer time (Keep it limited.)
• Mom time
• “Summer school” (Don’t let their brains rot over summer! Research homeschool websites for ideas. There are a ton of free resources out there.)
• Time with friends (Schedule weekly play dates.)
• “Field trips” like zoo, museum outings

Also, think about any skills you might want to teach your child over the summer. Your days will be less chaotic than school days, so you might want to take the opportunity to teach your child how to tie his shoes, properly brush his own teeth, ride a bike, organize his toys, cook a meal, write letters to grandparents, and more.

Take the time now to create your summer schedule!

Related posts:

1. Structure your day
2. Best of Childwise Chat: Structure your day

Source: preschoolkidsbooks.net

I realize this post may be unpopular with some, but let me assure you, doing flash cards with your toddler or preschooler is not the path to success in school. Sure, we all want our kids to do well in school and be the best and smartest in the class. But doing rote memorization and teaching abstract academic concepts too early can be more of a detriment. This is particularly true when it’s done in the place of important heart training.

There is so much more to this issue than I can even touch on in one post, but please understand that having a child who can read at age 2 is not a sure-fire path to success. So what is the path to success? Letting your child develop at a natural pace is what will prepare him for school. The second year of a child’s life (after his 1st birthday) is all about walking and talking. The third year (after his 2nd birthday) is all about asserting some independence and realizing that the child is separate from his parents. Age 3 should be all about imaginative play. Some parents mistakenly assume that a confidently talking child can start to learn real academics. But please don’t deprive your child of imaginative play. It is crucial to a child’s brain development.

Just as important as the natural order of development is taking the time to teach values and virtues. This will do far more than teaching a 3-year-old his times tables. Which would you prefer? A child who knows his academics early but disrespects authority, or a child who knows the virtues and values that it takes to successfully navigate his way through school? Consider the following:

“Little Stephanie waits patiently while her preschool teacher hands out the animal crackers. With camel, sheep, and monkey cookies placed before her, Stephanie looks up and with a gentle touch of her fingers to her lips she signs the words thank you. No one is surprised then, when Stephanie, after carefully discarding her napkin, is among the first to respond when the teacher calls the class to reading time,” (On Becoming Preschoolwise, p. 29).

Clearly, Stephanie’s parents were focused on much more than academics.

“While others in her group may be stimulated at home with flash cards and Spanish tapes, Stephanie’s parents, along with many others in this new generation of Moms and Dads, have chosen to equally emphasize another component of development that includes: virtues, values, and Stephanie’s heart,” (On Becoming Preschoolwise, p. 29).

Don’t discount the importance of such teachings in preparation for school (no matter when you start).

The book says it best:

“Think about it. Order, patience, self-control, attention, thinking before acting–all are prerequisites to learning…. Learning to count from one to ten or picking colors from a chart does not make your preschooler kinder, more self-controlled, or easier to manage, “(On Becoming Preschoolwise, p. 37).

And not only will these skills serve him well in school; they will serve him well in life.

No related posts.

Source: ehow.com

How deep do your moral lessons go? Are you working with your children on the golden rule? Do your children truly know the reasons behind the moral lessons you give? It’s important to not only teach moral truths, but also give our children the tools to reason and process moral situations.

“The prerequisite to moral reasoning is knowing moral truth,” (On Becoming Childwise).

So from our earliest parenting years, we must teach our children in moral situations. For example, we need to teach them not only to not pick flowers in a neighbors’ garden, but we need to teach them that doing so robs the neighbor of enjoying the flowers she worked so hard to plant. We need to teach the moral truth behind even the most basic instructions.

I like the example given in “Amy’s story” in chapter 10 of On Becoming Childwise:

“Briana was celebrating her eleventh birthday, together with her family. They were traveling on her birthday, but her parents brought along many of her gifts. Her special present that year was something she had been wanting for a long time: a vanity for her bedroom. After opening her gifts, Briana’s dad told her that a special gift was waiting for her at home because it was too large to bring along. Briana started giving guesses as to what it might be. Amy, Briana’s eight-year-old sister, blurted, ‘It’s a vanity!’ Immediately, tears flooded Briana’s eyes,” (On Becoming Childwise).

It’s easy to see that this there is a moral lesson to be taught in such an example. Amy’s sister was excited about a gift, and something Amy said brought her sister to tears. That alone is enough to warrant a conversation centered on moral principles.

After Amy was told to sit in a reflective sit-time, Amy was asked to morally process what had happened. Her parents needed her to say more than just “I told Briana what her gift was.” They wanted her to know on a deeper level why what she said was wrong.

“After forty-five minutes, Amy tearfully confessed what she had done, and her confession was beautiful: ‘I stole Briana’s joy of receiving the gift as a surprise.’ Wow! Where did that answer come from? From an ability to morally process. Here [was] an eight-year-old child coming up with an adult-sized answer,” (On Becoming Childwise).

In Amy’s case, her parents had been actively investing moral truth into Amy’s heart.

“This deposit of moral truth created an infrastructure of logical thought that enabled Amy to deeply process. Without a knowledge of virtues and values, children will be limited in their ability to reason and process moral situations,” (On Becoming Childwise).

But clearly, with that moral infrastructure, children can process moral situations and truly understand the moral ramifications of their actions. They are able to put themselves in another person’s shoes to see the situation from their perspective. In this case, Amy was able to see the situation from Briana’s perspective. This is a skill that she had learned. Because of this skill, she could truly admit to the hurt that her actions had caused her sister. And she will have learned to think twice before blurting out an answer that she so desperately wants to give.

Think about similar situations in your daily life. Do you take the time to fully explain the moral truth to your children? Do you tell your children not to run in the grocery store, or do you take the time to explain that they could hurt someone (or themselves) or make other shoppers nervous? Do you tell your child not to climb up the slide, or do you explain that by climbing up the slide, he is preventing other children from going down? Do you tell your child not to tattle, or do you explain that tattling is just as bad as (or worse than) the action that prompted it?

As you go about your day, make note of opportunities to teach moral truths, and invest the time that it takes to give your children the important skill of moral reasoning.

Related posts:

1. Moral precept #1: Teach the way of virtue
2. Moral precept summary
3. Moral precept #3: Know the why of moral training
4. Moral precept #5: Make moral judgments by examining context
5. Moral precept #2: Moral training begins in parents’ hearts

Source: aeelaw.com

The Ezzos continually remind us to never repeat instructions to our children. There’s a fine line between reminding children of our expectations and nagging. When we nag, our children learn to ignore our word. And this is potentially one of the worst things that could happen to a parent.

The idea is so important, it is called out as Childwise Principle #12.

“Constantly reminding a child to do what is expected only means you have no expectation,” (On Becoming Childwise).

This is so true! Why shouldn’t our children obey the first time we give an instruction? When we set the expectation that they obey the first time, they are more likely to do so. This is especially true when we take the time to train our children in first-time obedience. Training them to say “yes, mommy” and give us eye contact are two very important steps in eliminating the need to constantly remind our children.

The effects of long-term reminders are far-reaching:

“What happens when the reminders aren’t repeated in successive sentences but over a period of hours, days, or weeks? No wonder the child doesn’t appropriate your instructions: there are no consequences for neglecting them, and anyway they’ll be repeated tomorrow so why remember today? At what point will you stop reminding?” (On Becoming Childwise).

It all comes down to accountability.

“When parents continue to instruct and remind their children how to behave after accountability training has been achieved, they are taking back ownership of a behavior that should no longer belong to them,” (On Becoming Childwise).

There are three very important ways you can eliminate the need to remind your child:

1. Simply expect that your child will comply. Set the bar high, and he will rise to it.
2. Get your “yes, mommy” and eye contact before giving an instruction.
3. Maintain eye contact, even if you need to gently hold his chin, while you give an instruction.

If you do these three things, you will have no doubt that your child heard your instruction. And you can move on to appropriate consequences if he chooses to disobey.

Related posts:

1. Give individual instruction
2. Give the gift of obedience

Bedtime is one of the main sleep issues that parents struggle with in children. The problems range from developmental disturbances and nap-related disturbances to summer activities. Occasionally, it is also a temptation to relax the bedtime routine out of guilt.

Source: Nerissa's Ring

As a working mom, having a consistent bedtime has been a lifesaver…one of my top tips. However, it is often tempting to be much more permissive about bedtime and blame it on not getting enough quality time with our kids.

Permissiveness leads to inconsistency.

Letting my kids stay up late out of guilt is not quality time for me or for them. I am a much better mom by having well-rested children, and they love having a well-rested mom. We also make few exceptions.
Some, yes, but not many. We have left parties early, sent strict notes to the grandparents, and put a lot of effort into establishing an efficient routine.

Here is how we did it:

• Stick to the plan. Once bedtime routine starts, there is hardly any variation. Ours is brush teeth, pajamas, pick/read a book, say prayers, sing a song, tuck in, lights out, door closed.
• Establish consequences for purposely not obeying the bedtime routine. The first consequence is losing the privilege of picking the book. The
  second consequence is losing the privilege of reading a book. Last would be going straight to bed the second pjs are on, but rarely, if ever, have we gotten to that point.
• Make bedtime a priority. I usually start picking or guiding activities about 15-30 minutes before our bedtime routine starts. For
  example, if bathtime runs long, then any TV time before bed is either eliminated or cut short. We also aim to be home before bedtime and
  carefully choose activities that will not compete with getting home close to bedtime.
• Do not over-analyze bedtime difficulties. It is very common for toddlers to have bedtime disruptions around 2 years old and again when
  naptime needs to be shortened. I have been there, and I tried everything. It almost always comes back to staying consistent. See #1!
• Cherish the routine and make it work. If bathtime takes too long every night, try every other night or 3 nights a week. If you have a
  special family event, do not be a slave to the routine. That is the beauty of the -wise series…flexibility when you need it. I have also
  had some of the best conversations ever with my children during bedtime. Some nights I stay for extra kisses, cuddles, and questions. My son also knows that once the door is closed, it stays closed. My daughter with SPD sometimes gets a 2nd check if she has an extremely hard time soothing herself.

Start as you mean to go on and know that bedtime can be enjoyable for everyone!

Related posts:

1. Do you need to change your routine?
2. Moving to one nap a day

Source: soulspringgroups.blogspot.com

Note: Forgive me for assuming most of my readers are women. For the few men who read my blog, this post does also apply to you.

Are you a wife or mom first? Do you identify yourself as a wife or mom? Which relationship do you make a priority in your life?

We all take on many different roles in our lives based on our relationships with others: friend, sister, aunt, niece, daughter, granddaughter, etc. Our roles of wife and mom take precedence simply because we spend our days with our children and husbands. And when our children are young, we spend the majority of our time caring for them and tending to their needs.

But let me assure you, for the benefit of your family, your role of wife should be a higher priority than that of mom. By redefining the husband-wife relationship, you run the risk of maintaining a child-centered household. In a child-centered home, you are not wife; you are mom. And as mom, you are less accountable to your spouse and yourself. You are solely accountable to the child.

For many, it’s preferable to only be accountable to the child because:

• As parents, we are perfect in our child’s eyes.
• Unlike any other role in our lives, our role as mom allows us to feel needed. Our children give us purpose.
• Our culture says that we can do anything we want as long as it’s what we deem best for the child.

“Some parents equate overindulgence with love, giving a child everything he wants in the belief that they are teaching some form of benevolence. Withholding correction from the child is equated with teaching a form of heavenly grace. Tolerating disobedience is equated to teaching patience. Diverting a child from sadness, regardless of the root cause of that sadness, is thought to be a form of compassion and consolation,” (On Becoming Childwise, p. 47-48).

I’ll be the first to admit that prioritizing my marriage is not easy. As a stay-at-home mom, my kids are my primary focus. And our culture makes it so easy and acceptable to put the children first. But make no mistake, child-centered parenting creates within the child a false sense of self-reliance. The child becomes wise in his own eyes and attitude issues run rampant. Do all that you can to prioritize your role of wife over that of mom.

No related posts.

Off the top of my head, I can think of several benefits of alone time. The child:

• Learns to play independently and doesn’t rely on a parent or sibling to show him how to play. The intellectual and academic benefits of this are far-reaching.
• Gets some quiet time, well beyond the age when naps are outgrown.
• Learns to be happy being alone. I know of some adults who find it difficult to be alone. I can’t imagine not having my alone time!
• Sleeps and self-soothes better. The baby who is never alone will wake up and cry if he realizes he’s in his bed alone.
• Learns important focus and concentration skills, playing contentedly without distractions.
• Is secure in his own skin, comfortable in the quiet with nothing but his thoughts and a few toys to occupy himself.

French parents and psychologists agree with the benefits of alone time:

“A psychologist quoted in Maman! magazine says that babies who learn to play by themselves during the day–even in the first few months–are less worried when they’re put into their beds alone at night. De Leersnyder writes that even babies need some privacy. ‘The little baby learns in his cradle that he can be alone from time to time, without being hungry, without being thirsty, without sleeping, just being calmly awake. At a very young age, he needs alone time, and he needs, to go to sleep and wake up without being immediately watched by his mother,’” (Bringing Up Bebe, p. 53-54).

Such alone time is reportedly very important to French parents. The author discusses one mom’s story:

“Martine also teaches her kids a related skill: learning to play by themselves. ‘The most important thing is that he learns to be happy by himself,’ she says of her son Auguste…. It’s a skill that French mothers explicitly try to cultivate in their kids more than American mothers do. In another study, of college-educated mothers in the United States and France, the American moms said that encouraging one’s child to play alone was of average importance. But the French moms said it was very important,” (Bringing Up Bebe, p. 65-66).

French parents and the Ezzos are alike in their description of “helicopter parents.”

“Walter Mischel says the worst-case scenario is for a kid from eighteen to twenty-four months of age is, ‘the child is busy and the child is happy, and the mother comes along with a fork full of spinach. The mothers who really foul it up are the ones who are coming in when the child is busy and doesn’t want or need them, and are not there when the child is eager to have them. So becoming alert to that is absolutely critical,” (Bringing Up Bebe, p. 66).

So whether you leave a child alone during free play or schedule room time every day (or both!), make sure your child has enough time to simply play and to play by himself. Make alone time a priority!

Related posts:

1. What I’m Reading: “Bringing Up Bebe,” The Sage Child
2. What I’m Reading: “Bringing Up Bebe,” The Cadre
3. What I’m Reading: “Bringing Up Bebe,” The American Question
4. What I’m Reading: “Bringing Up Bebe,” The Pause

For babies, this means not intervening the minute they cry. For starters, by rushing in and picking up the baby every time he makes a peep, the parent could unintentionally wake the baby. But there’s more:

“Another reason for pausing is that baies wake up between their sleep cycles, which last about two hours. [I've noticed sleep cycles can be as short as 35 minutes, particularly at nap time.] It’s normal for them to cry a bit when they’re first learning to connect these cycles. If a parent automatically interprets this cry as a demand for food or a sign of distress and rushes in to soothe the baby, the baby will have a hard time learning to connect the cycles on his own. That is, he’ll need an adult to come in and soothe him back to sleep at the end of each cycle,” (Bringing Up Bebe, p. 45).

By not pausing when a baby wakes up, we end up teaching them to wake up at every sleep cycle and depend on mom and dad for middle-of-the-night soothing.

“It’s suddenly clear to me that Alison, the marketing expert whose son fed every two hours for six months, wasn’t handed a baby with weird sleep needs. She unwittingly taught him to need a feed at the end of every two-hour sleep cycle. Alison wasn’t just catering to her son’s demands. Despite her best intentions, she was creating those demands,” (Bringing Up Bebe, p. 47).

Does this relate to older children? Absolutely! It’s all about using your power as a parent, through whatever technique, to teach our children to become independent. Whether you learn to pause when your little one is a baby or don’t learn to do so until he’s 5, it’s serves as an important philosophical parenting decision. Understand that coddling a child doesn’t do him any good. He will need to assert independence at some point in life, and the earlier he does so, the more capable he’ll be.

“Behind this is an important philosophical difference. French parents believe it’s their job to gently teach babies how to sleep well, the same way they’ll later teach them to have good hygiene, eat balanced meals, and ride a bike. They don’t view being up half the night with an eight-month-old as a sign of parental commitment. They view it as a sign that the child has a sleep problem and that his family is wildly out of balance. When I describe Alison’s case to Frenchwomen, they say it’s ‘impossible’–both for the child and his mother,” (Bringing Up Bebe, p. 48).

And don’t discount the importance of sleep in older children. Good sleep habits begin in infancy.

“There’s growing evidence that young children who don’t sleep enough, or who have disturbed sleep, can suffer from irritability, aggressiveness, hyperactivity, and poor impulse control, and can have trouble learning and remembering things. They are more prone to accidents, their metabolic and immune functions are weakened, and their overall quality of life diminishes. And sleep problems that begin in infancy can persist for many years,” (Bringing Up Bebe, p. 50).

So whether your ultimate goal is establishing good sleep habits or teaching independence, be sure to wait–to pause–before intervening.

Related posts:

1. What I’m Reading: “Bringing Up Bebe,” The Sage Child
2. What I’m Reading: “Bringing Up Bebe,” The American Question
3. What I’m Reading: “Bringing Up Bebe,” The Cadre

Source: soccerfieldss.com

In every sport there are the opponents, teammates, spectators, and coaches. Imagine your life as a sporting event. What role do you play? Are you the opponent, teammate, spectator, or coach?

If you’ve read my blog for any length of time, you likely know what the answer should be, but let’s examine them all.

The opponent

When it is the parent’s job to monitor the child’s actions, attitudes, and beliefs, it is far too easy to become the child’s opponent. In many ways, you have differing attitudes and goals. With opposing viewpoints, you become the opponent.

Particularly in power struggles, specifically a “battle of wills,” it is easy for the parent to take on an opposing stance, thus becoming the opponent.

My husband and I have fallen into this trap, establishing an attitude of “us vs. them” or “parents vs. children” in our home. Do not become your child’s opponent. You will quickly find yourselves at odds, and you stack the deck against yourselves. Coming to an agreement on attitudes and beliefs with a child who sees you as his opponent is difficult to say the least.

The teammate

The Ezzos and I take a very firm stance that not only is the child not to be the center of the home, but more than this, the child is not to stand on equal footing with the parent. The child is not the parent’s friend or peer. Parents must hold a position of authority over the child. Parents must avoid establishing a democracy in the home.

As your child’s teammate, you are not his opponent, but you lack the authority to guide and direct his actions and attitudes. Imagine two teammates on a soccer field. They work together toward the same objective, passing the ball between each other to get the ball in the net. But neither player has the authority to direct the other’s actions.

The spectator

No professional sporting even can exist without its fans. But let me assure you, there are no spectators in the sport of parenting. Children need parents to actively participate in their lives, not stand back and watch. I have discussed the importance of preventing behavior problems in our children. If you act as a spectator, you are essentially waiting to see how your child will behave. You are then left to deal with behavior problems after they happen. If you find yourself in a spectator role, stand up and join the game.

The coach

If this was your guess, you’re right. You want to be your child’s coach. You are your child’s teacher, even after you have sent him off to school. You hold authority over your child to train him, teach him, hold him to a standard (hopefully a high one), set limits, redirect or correct him when problems arise, stand in support of the child, and offer encouragement and praise where it’s due.

Evaluate your role

Take a minute to step back and evaluate your role in the game of life. If you see yourself as your child’s opponent, teammate, or spectator, take that as your cue to work on your relationship. Change your course and do all that you can to solidify your position as your child’s coach in life.

No related posts.

Source: measamother.com

One of the most important considerations in parenting is prevention. I cannot stress enough how much prevention can save your sanity and induce compliance in your child.

“Prevention is the best form of correction,” (On Becoming Childwise).

There are several parenting tactics that allow you to prevent behavior problems before they happen. Some of these tactics include:

• Speaking your child’s love language
• Loving and encouraging your child
• Making your marriage a priority
• Getting your “yes, mommy” and eye contact before giving an instruction (in first-time obedience training)
• Setting a schedule and following it

As important all of these factors are–and, make no mistake, they are important–there is one factor that really drives prevention: freedoms. Avoid trouble by limiting access to items that aren’t within the child’s realm of responsibility (like the markers in the photo above).

I discussed the idea of having your child ask for permission. That’s one way to limit a child’s freedoms. As you go about your day, think through possible freedoms your child has (or takes on his own) that could be getting him into trouble.

“You should continually evaluate what you allow your child to do and whether those freedoms are appropriate considering his age, understanding, and abilities. Are you giving him inappropriate freedoms?

Let freedoms be handed out carefully as the child demonstrates contentment with your authority and responsibility in previous freedoms given. Granting freedoms consistent with a child’s level of self-control equals developmental harmony.

Freedoms come gradually: from the playpen, to the backyard, to the neighborhood, to the world at large. As your child demonstrates responsible behavior and sound judgment, he earns another level of freedom. This type of training results in a child who is a joy to everyone and who has achieved a sense of affirmation within himself,” (On Becoming Childwise).

What more could we want? Make sure your child’s freedoms are equal to his level of responsibility (not his age), and always focus on prevention. As always, if behavior problems are avoided altogether, that’s less disciplining and correcting that you need to do.

Related posts:

1. Use behavior as your guide
2. The funnel–keeping freedoms age-appropriate
3. Funnel Pitfall #2: You award freedoms based on age rather than responsibility
4. Transfer ownership of behavior
5. Freedoms equations