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An Update on My Kids: William, Age 8
Thanks to everyone who voted in my poll! As I think ahead to addressing more daily life issues, I thought it would be helpful to update you on my kids. Today, it’s all about my oldest, William. He turned 8 years old in August, and he’s currently in second grade.
School
You may notice that William is slightly older for his grade. He made the school cut-off date by two weeks, so we decided to wait and have him be one of the oldest in his grade, rather than the youngest. Maturity was a main factor. School continues to be William’s primary focus. Since we’re homeschooling this year, I get to control everything he’s learning. A naturally bright child, William has a pretty easy time with school. I rarely have to teach something twice. Because of this, I tend to expect a lot from him when it comes to school. I don’t want to let his great mind go to waste, nor do I want him to go through life thinking everything is easy.
Every day, he spends about 45-60 minutes each on his daily writing journal and Math. And throughout the week, we alternate History, grammar, more writing, Spanish, Art, test prep, and other subjects. I have him doing third grade material in almost every subject, and I like to push him a bit even more when I think he can handle it. For example, in his Writing with Ease book (level 3), the authors provide a passage to be read, and the child is supposed to verbally narrate the story, and the parent writes down the summary that the child provided. Well, William is perfectly capable of writing his own summary.
My school plans for next year remain a mystery since we may be moving. I’m going to have him tested for our school district’s gifted program, partly because I’m curious to know whether he would get in, and partly because I want to keep my options open if we end up staying here. William is a very social child, so public and private school for next year are in the back of my mind. We will see.
Therapy
Beyond school, occupational therapy takes up a significant chunk of William’s time. He was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) when he was 5, and we’ve been getting occupational therapy ever since. He currently goes twice a week, and we use his Integrated Listening System (for auditory processing, his biggest challenge) at home once a week. He’s had the same therapist for about a year now, and he’s making great strides. The work they’re doing on reflex integration seems to be working well. When he’s overexcited and having a hard time settling down, I can do his reflex exercises and it relaxes him instantly.
Sleep
William needs about 10-11 hours of sleep every night. He seems to have a deficit of natural melatonin, so we aided his sleep with melatonin (a tiny dose) for a couple years. During the summer, I decided to see if he could go without it. He had really developed a psychological dependence on it. He still struggles with sleep, but since we’re homeschooling, I can let him sleep late in the morning if he falls asleep late at night. And we figured out a trick to keep his pesky brother from waking him up at the crack of dawn. :)
Meals
William continues to be my better eater, which is lucky because his diet is complicated! When he was 4, we started modifying his diet with the help of a naturopath. (We hadn’t yet figured out the SPD and I’d heard of behavior modification through diet.) William’s restricted diet means he can’t have wheat, dairy, soy, other gluten, eggs, bananas, avocados. Food dyes also cause behavior problems. It’s tough, but we’ve got it all figured out now.
On top of his diet limitations, we have to monitor his blood sugar for (undiagnosed) hypoglycemia. Before I figured this one out, our day was a total roller coaster ride. He’d go from bouncing off the walls one minute to crying on the floor for no reason the next. We manage it with frequent meals and snacks, a balance of sugar, fat, and protein, and a strict policy of him starting every day and every meal with protein. His favorite snack is a homemade trail mix that includes almonds and dried mangos. And we eat peanut butter like it’s going out of style!
Behavior
Because of everything we’ve got going on with William (possible giftedness, sleep deficits, sensory/auditory processing issues, food intolerances and blood sugar fluctuations), behavior continues to be a focus. At age 8, any other child would stay near the parent at the store, know what volume is appropriate for his voice, immediately respond with “yes, mommy” when the parent calls from the other room, and more. He’s three years older than his brother, yet he is very much my more challenging child. He aims to please in most situations, so we just have to be on top of our game and recognize when he’s having an auditory processing issue or whether he’s choosing to ignore us. It’s never an easy task!
My work on first-time obedience with William has paid off. For the most part, when I call his name, he will respond with “yes, mommy.” But there are times when I need to make sure I’m near him and he can sense my presence. Sometimes I have to put my hand on his shoulder when I call his name. Calling his name and getting a “yes, mommy” and eye contact is huge with William. Without it, I would never know if he was disobeying by choice or whether he just didn’t hear me. There are times when I get a “yes, mommy” without eye contact, so I will wait or simply say “eyes” before I give him an instruction. I make sure I’m holding his eye contact the whole time I’m giving an instruction.
Play
I continue to place a high premium on play for my boys. I make sure there is plenty of time in their day for free play. Legos tend to consume his free play time. We also make time to play outside and take walks or go for bike rides.
Interests
William is a very creative, artistically inclined child. I require a drawing in his daily writing journal, and they are always very detailed. He draws for fun, and likes to create his own comic strips. His illustrations are quite impressive!
E-Book Sale Ends Today!
This is just a quick post to remind you that the holiday sale on my e-book ends today (my 16th anniversary)! You have until midnight (PT) to get it at the reduced price of $7.99. Check it out here.
If you’ve read my e-book, I’d love to hear your feedback. Help others decide whether or not they should purchase it. Is it helpful? Has it helped you train your child in first-time obedience? Let me know!
Discover and Hone Your Child’s Interests
If you’re like me, you’re thinking about the coming year and the many activities that are available to our children. In truth, most kids begin their activities in the fall with the start of the school year, but there’s nothing like the fresh start of a new year to ensure we’re following our child’s interests when it comes to their activities.
First of all, let me be upfront with the fact that I am not a proponent of signing kids up for activities just for the sake of keeping them busy. Kids are so busy these days! Let them rest and play after a long day at school, and make family dinners a priority. These early years at home are so important and will do so much more for your child’s social and emotional development than any soccer club or karate class.
With that in mind, step back a minute and assess your child’s activities. Does he have too many? Too few? Most importantly, are they addressing his interests?
I have seen a few soccer games where the kids don’t seem to be having much fun. It often seems like it’s more about the parents and coaches than it is about the children. The same goes for any tutoring or “educational enrichment” classes. Of course, fun probably isn’t the goal there, but nonetheless, assessing the need is key.
The first priority in assessing your child’s activities is to make sure you are discovering and honing his interests. What is your child most interested in? I feel activities need to center around the child’s interests because this is where the child will truly learn. A child forced to join Cub Scouts when his true passion is playing the piano does the child a real disservice.
I’m reminded of the book Outliers by Malcom Gladwell. The author says that to reach true success, it takes a bit of timing and good luck, but also lots of practice. Specifically 10,000 hours, he says. So if our hope is that our child will reach success the likes of Bill Gates, then we must first find what will inspire and guide the child toward greatness. Then we give him the opportunity to get their 10,000 hours in.
Realize that choosing the 10,000-hour activity for the child won’t do any good. The child has to have the inner drive to want to put in all those hours. So if you’re dragging a sporty kid to piano practice and violin lessons, I suspect you’ll be met with great resistance.
William, my oldest, inspires me with his inspiration. He is truly gifted in many things. I will say that we are still defining his one or two interests. His top interest at this point is drawing. In his free time, he writes comic strips. They are very detailed and very funny! I haven’t yet felt the need to sign him up for a drawing class because I’d like to see how this interest morphs on its own, without an outside influence. I cultivate this interest by giving him plenty of time to draw, encouraging him by sharing his drawings and comics with others, and by giving him the materials he needs. I bought him a book for Christmas that gives step-by-step directions for drawing cartoon people!
Another interest of William’s is piano. This kid amazes me with his ear. He learned to play “Deck the Halls” by listening to it in a commercial and pounding it out on the keyboard. We’re taking Suzuki piano lessons, and I love that it teaches him to play by ear, but I have to say, I’m not thrilled with the lessons. I feel like we might benefit more by devoting that time at home on the piano. This remains to be seen.
Lucas, my five-year-old, is my sporty one. The child could throw a perfect spiral with his little football at the age of 3. I have him in a sports class at our homeschool co-op. When we have the time, I’ll sign him up for flag football or t-ball. Beyond sports, we’re still waiting to see what other interests emerge. He takes the same piano lessons William does, but he gets less time on the piano. I’m not sure it’s an interest or talent of his. Besides, at his age, I think imaginative play at home is more important than any activity that I could sign him up for.
As you look ahead to a new year, what interests has your child shown? Are you doing your best to hone those skills with the right amount of outside activities?
What do you want to read about?
I’m taking some time to reflect on the year ahead and the direction of this blog for 2013. As I do, I’d love to learn more about your parenting interests. What are your favorite topics on this blog? What topics do you want me to cover more? Choose as many answers as you’d like and enter more ideas in “other.” Thanks!
[polldaddy poll=6798206]
Teach Reasoning
A few days ago, I came across a debate about first-time obedience on BabyCenter. Among the naysayers, there was this prevailing idea that a child who is characterized by first-time obedience is a robot who doesn’t know how to think for himself. The contention was that if you teach a child to obey, he will obey anyone and everyone, even adults who have questionable motives.
My response was that even though I teach my children to obey, I also teach them to think for themselves. My children are not robots.
The Ezzos tell us to teach our children the moral reasons behind the things we require of our children. We teach them things like:
- You behave in a restaurant not just because it’s less annoying, but because you need to think of the other people around you. You cannot ruin their meals.
- You share your toys with your friends because if you were your friend, you would want to play with the toys, too. (Basic first principle stuff.)
This is why I love the Ezzo parenting ideals so much. They don’t tell us to have our kids obey at all costs and forget everything else. Obedience is super important, but we also need kids who think for themselves enough to think of others.
As you navigate this parenting journey, be sure to give your kids ample opportunity to think for themselves. Reasoning is a skill that needs to be learned. I’ll give you an example:
Recently, when William was doing his schoolwork, he wanted me to help him read the passage he was assigned. It seemed daunting to him, but I told him I wanted him to read it. He proceeded to whine and complain. I told him I wouldn’t listen to his whining, but that if he stood up next to me and came up with an alternative (spoken in a respectful voice), I’d be happy to listen. I wanted him to see that I was a reasonable parent who would listen to a reasonable alternative. His suggestion was that I would read the first half and he would read the second.
I’m happy to note that this turned his attitude around immediately. Now, I still had to refuse because I was working and couldn’t take the time away. He was fine with this. I didn’t get any additional attitude issues, and he walked away and completed the work quickly and without complaint. He appreciated that I listened, but he still had to obey. And he knew that in no point in the process was there an alternative to simply not do the work.
So in addition to allowing our children to make use of the moral teaching we’ve done, it’s important that they know we listen. They need to know that we don’t require them to obey simply because it’s convenient for us. They need to be able to walk themselves through that thought process in the same way we do when we give an instruction.
At the end of the day, however, obedience is still required.
Note: Don’t allow your child to reason with you until he is characterized by obedience. If you start this too soon, he’ll use it as a negotiation tactic with everything you ask, and will use it as an excuse not to obey.
When Nobody Is Watching…
I just saw an inspiring post on the CFH Babywise and Beyond Facebook page that says this:
“Teach your children to have integrity…to do the right thing even when no one is watching.”
I love this thought. And I love the idea that the Ezzos teach us to instill integrity into our children. When we teach them the moral reason behind the behavior we expect (beginning no later than age 3), they are more likely to internalize these behaviors. And when they internalize these behaviors and the moral reasons behind them, they are more likely to act appropriately even when nobody is watching.
I see this in my own children. When we’re in a restaurant and I take the time to explain that other people want to enjoy their meal and not be disturbed by children, they sit up straight and look around at the people around us. It’s very different from the times that I tell them to act in a certain way just because I expect it. When they know there’s a reason that goes beyond my expectations, they are much more likely to comply.
This comment from the CFH page also serves as a warning to legalistic parents. If “because I said so” is a common theme in your home, you may get different behaviors when no one is watching. If mom and dad aren’t around to serve as an external reinforcer because the child has no internal motivations, the child may act as he pleases.
I’m reminded of a family I babysat for when I was a teenager. This family made the rounds through all the babysitters I knew (me, my sister, my neighbor, etc.). Honestly, nobody wanted to babysit for this family because the two little girls were little hellions. One time when I was babysitting them, I was chasing after one girl while the other dumped the whole jar of fish food into the fish tank. They were about 4 and 6 years old, so they were old enough to know better.
My babysitter friends and I concluded that they acted like this because they were so stifled by their super strict parents. One minute of freedom away from the parents, and they were a disaster. The parents were so strict that they required the girls to wear headbands (spiky ones!) to bed. It’s clear to me that these girls had no internal motivation to behave; they certainly weren’t internalizing the behaviors their parents insisted upon.
I hired a babysitter recently, and I’m thankful she said my boys were sweet. In fact, I’ve never had a nanny or sitter complain about my boys’ behaviors, even despite William’s sensory issues. I think my boys understand why I expect them to behave in a certain way, and they comply even when I’m not around.
So the next time you have a chance, try to spy on your child. Does he play nicely? Do his imaginary friends share and treat each other with respect? Does he watch over his baby sibling? See if he has internalized the moral integrity you expect. See how he behaves when no one is watching.
Is shyness an excuse?
Is shyness an excuse? For that matter, is any temperamental strength or weakness an excuse for questionable behavior? If your shy child clams up when someone compliments her, is that okay?
I was painfully shy as a child. Well, I was the comedian of the family within the safety of my home. But get me around strangers and I would clam up. Luckily, I don’t have a shy child, but if I did, I would work on that temperamental weakness just as I would any other.
Here’s what the Ezzos say:
“Shyness is not an acceptable excuse for disrespect. It cannot be used as a legitimate excuse for disrespect, because temperamental strengths and weaknesses do not exempt a child from right moral responses. If someone says hi to your child, the correct response should be, at least, hi. If someone compliments your daughter’s dress, teach her the basic courtesy response: ‘thank you,'” (On Becoming Childwise, p. 101).
If this is an issue with your child, take the time to work on it:
- Instruct the child in how to respond in certain situations.
- Explain when such situations might arise (before you leave for a social event).
- If the child clams up, don’t make excuses for the child.
- Just say, “I”m sorry, we are working on this.”
- Don’t verbally berate the child in public. It’ll only make it worse.
Shyness isn’t the only temperamental quality to consider. My children are creative and extroverted. Shyness is the least of our concerns. But there are times when my children are loud and creative in the wrong situations. I often tell my children, “Be bored!” when we’re headed into a grocery store or restaurant where they might be tempted to make some fun where there isn’t any to be had.
Think through other temperamental qualities in your child and determine how you might work with the child to overcome any weaknesses.
Character in action
Have you ever stopped to think about the fundamentals of building a moral foundation in your child? I think we can all agree that respect, honor, and honesty are the biggies. But how exactly can we determine if our children have a handle on these attributes? The answer: look to their actions.
“The quality of your character and that of your children is best exemplified by the presence of absence of three attributes: respect, honor, and honesty. These are action terms. Having an attitude of respect, honor, and honesty is not enough; there must be an ongoing demonstration of the three,” (Growing Kids God’s Way, p. 90).
Establishing a moral foundation in our children is much more than teaching them what respect, honor, and honesty look like. They must do more than simply understand the basics of these virtues. They need to know how to demonstrate them in their actions.
“Respect, honor, and honesty are critical fibers in the moral fabric of our being. To respect our fellow man is to honor him, and to honor him is to live honestly before him. The parent’s job is to take the intangible concepts of respect, honor, and honesty and make them tangible — to take their abstract meanings and make them concrete. They must show their children what moral truth looks like,” (Growing Kids God’s Way, p. 90-91.)
Leading by example is certainly important in this endeavor. But simply being able to recognize these attributes in our children goes a long way toward making sure we’re fulfilling our duties as parents.
Honestly, it’s not often that I think about my children’s character. I think for the most part, it’s natural to only question their character when we see something go wrong. It’s not often that an action showing respect or honesty will call our attention. It’s simply what we expect. But it’s nice when it does happen.
Recently, a friend commented on how sweet my kids were being with her baby. Not only do I appreciate the fact that they were being gentle with her, but I loved that they were interested in her. Too many kids would simply walk by a baby, completely disinterested. My kids sat with her, chatted with her, and even marveled at her chubby little fingers. Lucas tended to play with her as if she were a doll, but William was interested in her as a human being. And he was doing so in a very respectable, honorable way. It was very sweet just to watch them together.
The next time you’re out, at the park or wherever, just sit back and watch. Do your children show respect, honor, and honesty in their actions? If so, well done!
Are you on the same page?
Are you and your spouse reading from the same playbook when it comes to parenting your child? Perhaps you discussed your parenting ideals even before you married. Or did you have a child, wait for problems to creep up and then start thinking about how you want to parent? Or worse, have you still not come up with a plan?
If you’re reading this blog, my guess is that the latter doesn’t apply. But how much of a planner are you? And do you discuss it all with your spouse? Does he or she agree with you?
There’s nothing like differing parenting styles to throw a wrench into the marriage. If one parent is a super-strict, legalistic parent who doesn’t know the meaning of the word “childishness” and the other is a permissive conflict-avoider, there are bound to be a few arguments. Even if one parent provides the majority of the child care duties, the child is half of each of you, so you each have equal rights in deciding how to raise the child.
The only problem is that this is confusing to the child. Even a toddler is keen enough to realize that you don’t provide a united front. As this child ages, he’ll know to ask permissive dad for anything that strict mom might say “no” to. And while conflict-avoider dad might have an easier time saying “yes” to everything, he won’t know what to do when the child refuses to comply with a simple request. Permissiveness is all well and good — until we have to ask the child to do something he doesn’t want to do (to say nothing of the long-term ramifications).
The ultimate — and potentially most damaging — ramification of differing parenting styles is the judgment that can creep into the marriage. When two parents don’t agree on how to parent, mom or dad will start to feel protective of the child and the judgment takes over. Instead of mom and dad standing together, one parent stands with the child against the other parent. Not good.
So what do you do if you find yourself in this position? Leave the judgment on the table and talk it out. Have an open conversation where nobody’s ideas are shot down. Come up with some real-life examples of troublesome behaviors and discuss how you each parented and the results you each achieved. Then meet in the middle. It might even help to take a parenting class or two and read some parenting books. Go to a bookstore and you each choose the book that appeals to you most. Then have the other parent read that book. Glean a few ideas from each book and come up with your middle-of-the-road plan.
No matter how you approach it, being on the same parenting page is good for your marriage and for your child. Creating that page and sticking to it will be well worth the time and effort you put into it. You’ll trade conflict and judgment for peace, harmony and a compliant child!
He should know better
Do you ever get tired of repeating yourself? Do you ask yourself and your child whether he should know better by now? It’s important to realize that we have a very different perspective on life than our children do. We may have heard ourselves say “don’t jump on the bed” 200 times, but your child may honestly think he’s never heard you say that before.
When was your first memory? I only have a few vague memories from before the age of 5. And true, short-term memory is much different from long-term memory. But can we really expect our 4-year-olds to remember what we said two weeks ago? If it’s a regular issue, sure, we might expect them to remember. But if it’s an issue that only comes up every now and then, they may honestly not remember your rule.
If there’s any doubt, better to treat it as childishness than foolishness. Don’t assume your child knows better and is willingly disobeying you. There’s nothing more frustrating to a child than being held accountable for a rule that he has no memory of.
Perhaps the biggest lesson to be learned from this is that we must always see ourselves as our children’s teachers. Whether it’s an innocent situation of how to behave in front of people they’ve never met or how to behave on a daily trip to the grocery store, we must teach them what we expect. This is particularly true when we discipline our kids. No discipline will be effective if it isn’t followed by teaching.
The Ezzos say it best:
“One of the most basic goals of any correction is that it should promote learning and understanding. Correction requires explanation. Without the why (explanation) of wrong there is no correction, just a random redirection of behavior. Whether a child’s actions are innocent mistakes or malicious disobedience, explanatory teaching will always be necessary. The parent’s job is to give verbal explanation that moves the child from what he did this time to what he should do next time. Whatever the wrong behavior, use it to impart knowledge. If you complete your talk and learning didn’t take place, correction didn’t happen,” (Growing Kids God’s Way, p. 159).
No matter the situation, we should always consider whether the child really knew better. And whether he did or not, we can never stop teaching.