Betrivers Net Casino By understanding the rules, the dealer gets two cards in Australian Blackjack one face up. Betrivers net casino when your streak ends, the other hidden. How To Use Paypal For Online Gambling … [More...]
Second-hand TV
We all know that we need to limit our children’s exposure to second-hand smoke. We also know that we are told to limit the amount of TV that they watch. But how many of you know that we are now being told to limit the amount of “second hand TV” they watch?
How often is the TV on in your home, just as background noise? Even if our kids aren’t sitting in front of the TV and watching it, simply having it on can be harmful. A recent article on NPR.org says:
“Researchers who conducted a national survey of kids’ exposure to TVs droning on in the background say, ‘The amount of exposure for the average child is startling.’ How much is it, exactly? Try just under four hours a day for the typical kid.”
But, you may be asking, What’s the harm in having the TV on if the child isn’t sitting and watching? There are several reasons.
“Well, the researchers write, background TV may lower the quality of interactions between parents and kids, lower kids’ performance on tasks that require real thinking and drain kids’ attention during playtime.”
Follow the link above to read the full article. But if you do nothing else, make a concerted effort to turn the TV off, especially if nobody is watching. One compromise I’ve made with my husband during football season is that he’ll put the TV on mute. If the kids are playing in a nearby room, a TV on mute won’t affect them.
I’ve made a commitment to keeping a close eye on the amount of TV my kids watch. And now, I will start paying attention to their exposure to “second-hand TV.”
How well do you know your child?
I’ve talked about love languages in the past. Knowing our children’s love language is so important to giving them the love they need. But we must also take it a step further to determine how best to fulfill their love language.
Recently, a friend told me that her son requires daily morning snuggles. One day, they were having a difficult homeschool day, and she realized that he hadn’t gotten his morning snuggles. She said it’s the equivalent of her having her morning coffee. Nothing earth-shattering happens if he doesn’t get his snuggles, but he feels a little off without it.
Physical touch is also Lucas’ love language. When we start our homeschool day, I have him sit on my lap during our calendar time. And I noticed just today that the child will sit on my lap any chance he gets. Whether we’re doing school work or waiting at the doctor’s office, he will sit on my lap even if there’s an empty chair nearby. I like that he seeks this physical touch from me and doesn’t simply wait for me to offer it.
William’s love language, quality time, is a little more difficult to satisfy. With Lucas, I can just have him sit on my lap as we go about our day. For William, I have to take time out of my day to give him quality time. Our bedtime reading certainly accommodates his love language. And interestingly enough, he seems to be fine with quality time from his brother as much as from his parents. They play so well together, and as long as he’s not alone, he seems fine.
If you’re still uncertain of your child’s love language (it could take a few years to figure it out) be patient but always keep an eye out. And then once you do figure it out, find real-world activities that help satisfy that love language. Whether it’s morning snuggles or a strange love language quirk, figure out what the child needs and show him love in the way he will receive it.
Beyond reason
Do you ever feel like there are times when you just can’t get through to your kids? You explain your reasoning very clearly, and they seem to understand, but it doesn’t change their actions. In your mind, your thought processes are very logical, but for some reason, you’re not getting through to them.
It’s important to realize that there are times in our kids’ lives when they are just completely beyond reason. It can be frustrating to try to figure out what to do with a child who seems completely incapable of listening to you and following your instructions. Is the child being disobedient when they are beyond reason? Maybe. But it’s more important to understand what may be causing the problem in the first place, and deal with any disobedience later.
We’ve had a few instances recently where I realized that there was just no getting through to Lucas. Just tonight, during dinner and bedtime, he was completely beyond reason. He cried. He complained. He cried about everything under the sun. He threw a bigger fit than he’s ever thrown during a timeout. And throughout all of this, I noticed that his eyes were red and he was rubbing them. The child was tired!
We had a very tiring weekend with family in town. Our routine was off. Our mealtimes were off. Roomtime didn’t happen. And they went to bed very late last night, much later than they should have. To top it off, both boys slept in our room, and Lucas kept falling off the crib mattress, was in and out of our bed, and just didn’t sleep very well. But sure enough, he was up at 6:47am, as usual.
So considering the damage was done, what was I to do with this completely inconsolable, unreasonable child?
- I kept my chatter to a minimum. I knew I wasn’t going to get through to him, so I just kept quiet. Anything I did say just set him off.
- I fed him his dinner. Yes, I put the food on the fork and put every bite in his mouth. I knew this was the only way he was going to eat in his current state, and my goal was to get him fed and in bed, and do it quickly.
- I didn’t give him a shower, even though he needed it. Sleep was more important.
- I carried him upstairs, again without a word. Yes, I carried my four-year-old. I wasn’t going to attempt to drag a tired, crying child up the stairs.
- I shortened his bedtime routine and didn’t read to him. He was upset, as was I (we read every night without fail), but again, he just needed to go to sleep.
Even after I put him in bed, he cried and cried and came up with a bunch of excuses. After giving him water and helping him blow his nose, I said goodnight, ignored any other excuses, and waited for him to fall asleep. When it was quiet, I started to think about all that went wrong, and vowed to myself to do things differently the next time family is in town.
Good thing tomorrow is a new day!
Patience
Do you consider yourself to be a patient parent? We are nothing as parents without patience.
Kids will be kids. We parents need to have the patience and understanding to know that our kids are unpredictable, loud, frustrating, and disobedient. To manage everything they throw at us, we need to react calmly and patiently–otherwise we’ll drive ourselves and our children mad.
A basic understanding of what makes our children tick goes a long way toward building our patience. When we know and understand our children, it’s not often that we’re caught off guard by their behavior. Just recently, I realized that my boys tend to wrestle when they’re bored. Before, I thought it was just something they did because they are boys. When the wrestling gets out of hand and someone gets hurt, it can make a crazy mom out of me. But when I simply offer them a new activity, I can prevent the wrestling altogether. In the event that I don’t prevent them from wrestling, simply understanding why it happens helps improve my patience.
Sleep can also be a huge factor in improving patience. That goes for both parent and child. There’s no doubting the fact that our fuse is shorter when we’re tired. And our kids have less self-control when they’re tired. It’s so simple, but so important.
By the same token, eating healthy meals is important in improving patience. When our bellies are full and we’re well nourished by healthy meals, we’ll have one less reason to be short with our kids.
I could go on but I’ll finish with one last piece of advice: have fun! When life is all work and no play, it frustrates everyone. Having fun with our kids helps us learn to throw caution to the wind. It helps us forget that the laundry needs to be done, that the table needs to be set, that the child is being too rowdy, and whatever else that ails you. So get out. Get silly. Take the kids to the park and play freeze tag. Or sit down and play cars or princesses. Let yourself get immersed in your child’s life and you’ll start to see things from his perspective, and ultimately find yourself more patient with every passing day.
Do you relate to your child?
Did your child come out of the womb looking and acting different from you? Does he take after your distant Uncle Bernie more than you? Our kids are born with their own little personalities. And sometimes, their personalities are far different from our own.
If this is the case, it’s important that we take the time to understand the world from our child’s perspective. We need to relate to our children so we can fully meet their social and emotional needs.
I struggle with this a bit myself. William, my oldest, is the spitting image of my husband. They even have matching personalities. When I describe William, several words come to mind: extroverted, social, smart, always happy, inquisitive, easily excited yet laid back at the same time, bold, and friendly. Sadly, I would not use these words to describe myself. I’m an introvert to the core. While William is adventurous, I like to play it safe. While he likes to try new things, I like to stick with what I know is good. Lucas is the one who looks and acts more like me.
Do I just recognize our differences and call it done? No. I need to find a way to relate to William. I need to understand his needs so I can find a way to meet them (or find someone who does). While the thought of going to a party sounds completely draining to me, I need to realize that a party may be just what William needs to recharge his batteries. And when his inquisitiveness comes out, rather than answer his endless questions with “I don’t know,” I need find it in me to be just as interested and tell him that we’ll look it up later.
Whether your child is just like you or you’re polar opposites, take the time to understand your child and the motivations behind his thoughts and feelings. It’s only by trying to relate to our children that we can truly understand them and give them what they need.
Catch trouble before it happens
There are so many parenting tips out there, by the Ezzos and other parenting experts, but there are few as important as preventing behavior problems before they happen. Prevention can save so much heartache, for you and your child. In fact, if you do your best with prevention, you won’t need to discipline much. There are several factors that allow us to prevent behavior problems:
- Scheduling your day
- Making healthy meals and healthy sleep a priority
- Limiting freedoms
- Allowing alone-time with roomtime
- Keeping the child near you
- Having a plan for when things go awry
- Limiting child-centered parenting
- Getting “yes, mommy” and eye contact while training in first-time obedience
- Teaching the interrupt rule
- Having the child fold his hands to quiet the wiggles
- Encouraging and praising our children
I could go on. There is one other important technique that enables us to prevent behavior problems: the reflective sit time.
“A reflective sit time can serve three purposes. First, it is a preventative strategy used to control physical or emotional energy. This is when a child needs to stop, sit down, and get control. Reflective sit times can be used as a maintenance strategy to help a child realign his thinking, and gain self-control over current or potential wrong behavior and move toward wise behavior. Third, a reflective sit time can be used as a corrective strategy assisting a parent in bringing a child to a deeper understanding of his actions and to help facilitate true repentance,” (On Becoming Childwise, p. 217).
A reflective sit time simply means you remove the child from the “scene of the crime” and have him sit. This can be used for any offense and on any surface (couch, floor, bed, etc.). The child doesn’t need to be isolated like he does with a timeout, but he shouldn’t be allowed to play while sitting.
Keeping the child near you throughout the day is key to using this strategy effectively. Since prevention is the key, keeping the child near you will help you recognize problems before they happen.
In the Mom’s Notes, Carla Link tells the story of a child who threw all kinds of tantrums. She realized that before the child threw a tantrum, she would whine. The mom hadn’t recognized this, but Carla in her wisdom recognized the whine as the precursor to the tantrum. So she taught the mom to put the child in a reflective sit time at the point of the whine. Her idea was to never let it get to the tantrum stage by having the child gain control over her emotions while sitting. Brilliant!
Think through any chronic behavior problems you have with your child. Whether it’s fighting with siblings, being destructive with toys, hitting or kicking you, challenging your authority with an attitude, or your run-of-the-mill tantrum, see if there’s a consistent tell-tale sign that shows you that the behavior problem is about to hit. Then put him in a reflective sit time. If you’re not entirely sure of the precursor to your chronic problem, allow him to read a book or two while he’s sitting. Then if you find that the sit time isn’t working, take the book away.
The reflective sit time is such a simple tool, but it’s so powerful!
Impromptu roomtime
Are you home with preschoolers who seem to get into everything? Do you have school-aged kids who complain of summer boredom? We all know that structuring our day can limit boredom and keep little ones out of mischief. And roomtime is a crucial component of any child’s day. That small amount of alone time that can be had through roomtime can do wonders for you and your child. It helps us all recharge our batteries.
But what about those times when we all need roomtime but it’s not yet scheduled for another 3 hours? Is it okay to send the kids to their rooms for an impromptu roomtime? Yes! There are days in every child’s (or adult’s) life when we need more solitude than we’re getting. This is particularly important for the introverts in your family. Say you spent the entire morning at the local children’s museum. Your introverted child will crave roomtime to recover from the morning. It’s okay if roomtime isn’t scheduled until after snack. Let the child have an extra roomtime session after lunch.
Or maybe you’re having 6 of your closest friends (and their children) over for an hours-long play date. This can be overwhelming to an introverted child. Let him have a little bit of roomtime during the play date. Allowing your child to disappear for 20-30 minutes is much better than the attitude issues you’ll have to deal with if you don’t let him have that alone time.
I’ve also found that roomtime can help keep my boys from getting too rowdy. I’m all for letting my boys get on the floor and wrestle, but it needs to be in a somewhat controlled environment with parents watching closely. If my boys are in the playroom and their free play has turned into wrestle-mania, I’ll send them to their rooms for roomtime. I make it clear that it’s not a punishment. They just need that time to calm down and have some time apart. Besides, when they start up with the physical play, it usually means they’re bored. If I don’t have some other activity at the ready, roomtime works wonders.
So no matter what you’re doing with your day or where you are in your schedule, let your kids have an impromptu roomtime whenever it’s needed. And always be on the lookout for attitude problems that could easily be solved with an extra session of roomtime. Whether you’re at the museum, have a play date or even spend the afternoon running errands, let your little ones recharge their batteries in roomtime.
Surprise them with praise
Here’s a great quote to remember:
“Surprise your kids with praise,” (On Becoming Childwise, p.204).
I have discussed the power of encouragement and how much it can affect our kids. There are certainly times when our kids expect our praise and they even seek it from us at times. My kids love to come to me with stories of their good behavior and hear the praise that I give them.
But I have found that the praise that I offer at unexpected times has an even greater effect than the praise they know is coming.
“We have found that the most effective praise is that which comes when the child is not expecting it,” (On Becoming Childwise, p.204).
I have a story that illustrates the power of surprising kids with praise. We have been trying to get Lucas to ride his bike for quite a while. William was riding without training wheels months before the age Lucas is now. Well, Lucas is a sporty kid, but he’d much rather play soccer or baseball than ride a bike. That’s all well and good, but he needs to learn how to ride a bike. We went for a walk this morning, and I wanted to walk fast to get some exercise. My husband and William rode their bikes. Lucas had to ride in the stroller. He wanted to ride his bike, but I said he needs to practice more. He can run faster than he can ride.
So this afternoon, we went out again (for a slow walk) and Lucas rode his bike. He had the motivation, but there were times when he was ready to give up. First, he couldn’t get the brakes right, so he walked the bike down a hill. Then he was ready to give up as we crossed some gravel. I quickly discovered that a little praise was all he needed! I praised and encouraged him the entire way, and he ended up mastering the brakes, riding up a pretty big hill, and standing on the pedals while riding! I am still so proud of him. He was so focused on riding the bike that at no point was he paying attention to me or expecting any bit of praise, so every word I said had great power.
The next time he starts to get a little discouraged by a difficult task (bike riding, homework, whatever), I’ll know that a little bit of unexpected praise will go a long way!
Childhood Fears
By Hank Osborne from Daddy Life
“Fear! It is part of the overall human experience and not simply a childhood phenomenon. Some childhood fears might appear irrational, even silly, to parents because they do not arise from any real external danger, but they are very real to the child and should be respected as such,” Ezzo, Gary, and Robert Bucknam, M.D.. On Becoming Preschoolwise.
Riley is our oldest and has grown out of a couple of these apparent irrational fears. He is still working on some others. In a recent episode of the Home School Support Network podcast he shared two of his fears that are the same as a character in the book he was reviewing for the podcast. One of the fears is thunderstorms. More specifically, he does not like the loud noise of the thunder. This one is difficult to deal with so we try to be proactive and let him stay up until a storm passes or we go ahead and get him when we know a storm is brewing in the middle of the night.
Caden shares Riley’s fear of thunder. The thunderstorms are a cakewalk to deal with compared to some of Caden’s other fears. To help you better understand why these other fears can be difficult to deal with, it would probably be helpful for me to tell you a little about Caden. He is now 7 ½ years old. He was born with a genetic deletion called 22q11.2 (DiGeorge Syndrome). This came with a long list of complex medical challenges that we still battle. Caden has averaged about 30 nights per year in the hospital since birth due to having numerous major surgeries and illnesses. His surgeries to date include:
5 – Open heart surgeries for (IAA Type B, VSD, ASD, Ross Procedure, Pacemaker, oversized PDA, and aortic stenosis)
1 – Heart catheter (went into cardiac arrest during this one requiring CPR)
4 – Back surgeries to place and adjust VEPTR rods for scoliosis
1 – Stomach surgery for a Nissen Fundoplication and G-tube placement
1 – Neck surgery for a Cricopharyngeal Myotomy to try to help him swallow
As for illnesses, he was diagnosed with six distinct cases of pneumonia in 2011 and two cases in 2012. There is also a list of outpatient surgeries too long to list here.
I share these details to set the stage for a situation where we were forced to help Caden get past some of his irrational fears in rapid fashion. Caden’s fear manifested with him becoming hysterical at even the sight of a blood pressure cuff. And this all began one month before an open-heart surgery. You simply can’t go through open-heart surgery and just avoid the blood pressure cuffs during the recovery process. On top of that, every single clinic who sees Caden, no matter what their specialty, wants a blood pressure and pulse reading. We knew from our friends the Ezzos that “children often overcome their fears once they become acquainted with the object of fear.” We had to go into high gear to get Caden acquainted with the blood pressure cuff before the surgery.
The cardiologist gave us one of the velcro blood pressure cuffs exactly like the ones they would use on Caden during recovery in the ICU. Sherry began by leaving the cuff on the floor in the same room where Caden played for the first few days. She then had Caden sit in her lap (hands folded with some crying) with the cuff being a couple of feet away. She only did this a once or twice per day for just a few minutes each time. She would make sure it was closer to him for the next few days until she got to a point where Caden would allow for the cuff to touch his leg. (Not wrap around his leg!) We were well over a week into the process by the time we got to this point. As the days progressed, we worked to get him to allow it to touch his arm and eventually we got him to agree to put it on his favorite stuffed animal (a skunk). A couple of weeks in we finally got him to allow us to put it around his arm. Then we worked on blowing a little bit of air into the hoses to add a slight amount of pressure to his arm. By the time his surgery came around we had achieved our goal! Caden allowed the nurse to take his blood pressure during pre-op with no objections.
Caden did great during this surgery. He was discharged after only four nights in the hospital following a full open chest cavity surgery that required removal and replacement of both his pulmonary artery valve and his aortic valve. He is fast approaching his next valve replacement surgery. The photo above was taken at home just after lunch on a Friday four days after open-heart surgery…without a fear in the world.
Kids crave boundaries
Are you ever reluctant to enforce boundaries with your child? Do you feel like a daily schedule is too rigid and restrictive? Do you want to be the “fun” parent and strip all forms of boundaries from your child’s day?
Let me tell you that your kids WANT you to give them boundaries. Our kids crave the security that boundaries give them. And they need security among all else. When a child lacks security, some of the most fundamental things in their lives are affected. Without boundaries and security, the child:
- Lacks confidence in himself
- Loses sleep
- Has difficulty making friends
- Does poorly in school
Some people think that children cannot be free to express themselves when they are forced to live within defined boundaries. I agree that children need to have the freedom to express themselves and be creative and imaginative. But it’s because of boundaries that children have this freedom, not despite them. Without boundaries, freedom of expression doesn’t happen. Without boundaries, children are too preoccupied with watching out for their basic health and safety. Boundaries serve as the baseline for child development. Set those boundaries and the child will be free to grow, and accomplish things you might never have expected of them.
Consider the following passage from On Becoming Pre-Toddlerwise:
“Several middle school students huddled around the inside perimeter of a schoolyard fence. A psychologist from a local university who was passing by subsequently suggested that the fences be taken down. His theory was that the children resented being ‘fenced in.’ The fences, he concluded, restricted their freedom to roam the playground at will. The fences were taken down. The result? The children began to huddle in the middle of the yard. Why? The children didn’t know where the boundaries were. Boundaries give children a sense of security. When the fences came down, their security was stripped away,” (p. 93).
Help your children feel safe and secure in their world by establishing boundaries.