Finding Support

June 13, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Source: blog.timesunion.com

By Bethany Lynch, www.TheGracefulMom.com

No matter what parenting philosophy you choose or whether you work full time, part time, or stay at home, you need support as a mom. You need other women that can identify with who you are and what you do. You need a good foundation in your marriage and other couples to identify with, but there is just something about that friend or confidant that truly understands the core of what you believe.

There are a few things that I think will make your quest for these special ladies a little easier. True friendships usually take years to grow, but support systems are great because they can often be instant. Use caution in just jumping in to groups you identify with just because you identify with them. By taking these simple steps it is possible to form a deep and broad foundation when you need encouragement, inspiration, advice, or listening ears and eyes.

The first step is to look for several options or ways to find support. Be broad and be open. For me, I loved the Babywise series and identified with the goals immediately. However, I was completely lost as to how to troubleshoot when things weren’t perfect (can you say anxious first-time, high-strung mom?!) and where to find more information on implementing the broad ideas I read about. I actually “Googled” pro-Babywise and came across Valerie’s blog and found links to other forums. Some were easier for me to navigate or follow than others, but through one of those forums I met one of my dearest best friends. We are in very different roles. She works hard in the home and I work full time outside of my home. She’s preparing to homeschool and I had to find a new nanny recently, but we have kids of similar ages and very similar goals. We’ve made special plans to visit each other and have stayed in frequent touch for 5 years all because of a small forum.

Next, surround yourself with positive, similar women. Look for women older and younger and the same age, but make sure you choose wisely! It is so tempting to identify and associate with women that can relate to your hardships, but often this spirals down into venting, complaining, and occasionally even bashing. We easily jump onto the bandwagon when it is something we are passionate about, and while it is good to have strong beliefs, it is extremely worthwhile to hold to those beliefs with integrity. It not only sets a good example for your children but it sets a good example for people that don’t even agree with you. You are much more likely to find people that are supportive and encouraging even though you may not see eye to eye if you refuse to join in on criticizing others. I know women that can talk about child rearing, religion, schooling, healthcare, and all leave with a smile but I also know women that are so passionate about Babywise that you cannot even have a fair conversation about any other method.

I also believe that you have to actively find ways to support other women. You need to be a friend and encourager to others that have gone through similar hardships. You need to make an effort to inspire other moms to come together in support and community. It doesn’t have to entail starting a blog or a new forum. It can be as simple as asking someone to get coffee or as small as taking a meal to a new mom. I do know that you cannot always wait for someone else to step up, and you might end up being even more blessed than the person you sought out.

It’s is a cool, fascinating era when one can be part of a network of similar bloggers. I have met some absolutely amazing women through my blog and this network. Women that exist to speak positive, encouraging words. Women that support you whether you have a newborn or school age children, whether you have children with sensory disorders or severe allergies or no health issues. So thank you for being part of my support system!

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Babywise Week: Teaching Life Skills

March 11, 2013 by Leave a Comment

It’s Babywise Blog Network Week again! All week, we’ll be featuring blog posts from other Babywise-friendly blogs. The schedule is as follows:

· Monday: Valerie Plowman, Chronicles of a Babywise Mom
· Tuesday: Maureen Monfore, Childwise Chat
· Wednesday: Bethany Lynch, The Graceful Mom
· Thursday: Emily Parker, Journey of Parenthood
· Friday: Surprise guest blogger

We kick off Babywise Blog Network Week with a wonderful post from Valerie about teaching our children those important life skills. She features a precious picture of her oldest at three years old pushing a vacuum. Valerie’s post offers a detailed explanation as to why it is our responsibility to teach our children important life skills and how to do so. For a time, it does take more work to teach a child to sweep the floor than to simply do it ourselves. But the goal is not having a clean floor. The goal is having a child who knows how to sweep. And as our kids learn these skills, it’s all about practice. Valerie reminds us that our kids need to practice their chores just as they do to learn to play an instrument, a sport, or any other activity that doesn’t come naturally.

“Your child is not going to learn how to cook and clean just because it happens in your home any more than your child will learn to read just because you have books in your home.” ~Valerie Plowman

This is my favorite quote from Valerie’s post. Its a great analogy!

To read her post in its entirety, head on over to Chronicles of a Babywise Mom. And check in here all week to see what the other Babywise bloggers have in store for us!

Filed Under: education, parenting Tagged With: ,

Daddy Is Not a Babysitter

February 14, 2013 by 1 Comment

Source: theberry.com

By Hank Osborne, DaddyLife.net

I often hear dads say things like, “I have to babysit tonight.” Sometimes mom may even ask dad to babysit the kids while she goes out to a meeting or simply has a night away with friends. I get the concept in theory, but the general definition and the undertones that come with putting with words “dad” and “babysit” in the same sentence just don’t seem right.

First let’s start with the generally accepted definition of the word “babysit.” You can use your favorite search engine to verify, but in general the term babysit means to care for kids during the absence of the parents. Therefore that means that the person performing the duty is not a parent of the children being cared for. And based on a note from Merriam-Webster the term has only been around for about 60 years.

The reason I take issue with the term babysit to refer to the time that dads spend alone with their kids is that, in my opinion, this degrades and diminishes dad’s authority as an equal parent. I know that all dads are not as equally involved in parenting. Some dads are mostly uninvolved. I know guys who have multiple kids and they can count the number of diapers they have changed in their life on their fingers. Some of them even take pride in this, but I hope that is not the case in your home. Some dads may not be affected by being called a babysitter and may even use the term freely as very active dads. However others, like me, may take offense to it. So yes, it is a pet peeve for me. It may also be a pet peeve for the dad in you house. If you are a mom reading this, please check to make sure this term does not bother your husband if you are characterized by using it.

If you are a dad reading this, then you need to make sure you function more like a parent than a sitter. A good gauge of this is to observe how your kids act when you are home alone with them, as opposed to when you and your wife are both at home during the same time of the day. For instance, if your kids turn into different people as soon as mom leaves the house, then you are probably seen as more of a sitter than a fully engaged parent. You need to know enough about your kids’ routine to be able to take over and run things solo at a moment’s notice.

Even though there are a number of circumstances that can put you in a position as the primary care giver unexpectedly, I recommend that you do it on purpose once in a while. I’ve talked about it before when I reminded you that Dads Are Parents Too. This is Valentine’s Day and it is a good time to give mom a little note that says, “ONE FREE NIGHT (or weekend) OUT WITHOUT THE KIDS. Redeem at any time.” The note will go nice with those flowers! ;-)

Hank Osborne is a blogger/podcaster encouraging parents to rise above the level of mediocrity. He is the geek dad of 5 (one still snug in the womb). Hank and his wife coach parents on Internet safety and homeschooling.

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Picky Eaters

January 21, 2013 by 3 Comments

William eating sushi

William eating sushi

Do you have a picky eater? If you’re unsure, you don’t. Those of us who have picky eaters cannot deny that we do. There’s no question. Raising a picky eater is no easy task. But as with many things in parenting, it comes down to training.

Lucas is my picky eater. William is decidedly not a picky eater. At the right are a couple pictures of William eating food that many picky eaters wouldn’t even consider touching (sushi and steak salad). I’m thankful that he’s not picky because he’s my child who has the most food issues. He has a slew of food intolerances and blood sugar instability that might be diagnosed as hypoglycemia. With his restrictions, he cannot live on pasta and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches like many picky eaters do.

William eating steak salad

William eating steak salad

I’m lucky that my youngest is my picky eater. William has taught me that kids can eat a wide variety of foods. I was a picky eater as a kid, and my mom would typically make me new food when I refused to eat. So I’m sure if my oldest was a picky eater, I would have done the same. But after seeing William eat everything from broccoli to lentil soup, I knew that Lucas was perfectly capable of eating these foods, too.

I remember when Lucas was still sitting in a high chair, I always made it a point to put a green vegetable on his tray. At first, I didn’t ask him to eat it. I just wanted him to see it. Most days, he would move it away and put it in the tray’s cup holder. He wasn’t shy about the fact that he had no intentions of eating it. But I kept putting it there, day after day. Whatever green veggie we were eating, I put one small piece on his tray. We ate spinach salad quite a bit back then, so I usually put one small leaf. Well, my plan worked. After time, he decided that it wasn’t so scary after all. He eventually started taking small bites, and years later, he’s now to the point where he’ll happily eat a whole serving of green vegetables.

Some might say that given this experience Lucas isn’t truly a picky eater. I do believe that picky eaters are born, not made. I recognized this the first time Lucas would take in a bite of a casserole and filter out the meat so he could spit it out. But I also believe that parents have the power to change their kids’ picky eating habits. We don’t need to simply throw up our hands and say there’s nothing we can do.

There’s also something to be said about food intolerances and picky eating. Typically, when we have a food intolerance, we tend to crave that food. So if a child doesn’t tolerate wheat, she may want to eat nothing but pasta and bread. It sounds counterintuitive, but when we don’t tolerate a food, it creates an opiate effect in the brain. It’s a drug! If a child eats a food that doesn’t feed that opiate craving, they want nothing to do with it. They will get to the point where they’ll eat nothing but the foods they crave. I’ve had a few friends who I’ve described this to, and a couple were completely fearful of the idea of eliminating the food the child craves. They said that the child would eat nothing! Kids are smart. They won’t starve themselves. I have one friend who heard my advice, and after eliminating wheat, her daughter got so healthy and made great strides in social and physical development.

The other reason I believe that parents can change their picky eaters is that many kids often decide to stop being so picky because they see that their siblings eat well. I have a friend whose oldest is a picky eater. After little sister came along and showed her brother that she could eat well and there was nothing scary about it, he got better.

If you have a picky eater, I have a few words of advice:

1) Your first goal should be to not make special food. Always feed the child something you know he will like (e.g., plain rice along with the chicken he doesn’t like), but never make a new meal. The child should eat what the family eats. With the one food you know he will eat, he won’t starve.

2) Eat together as a family. If he sees that everyone he knows and loves eats this food, he’ll be more inclined to eat.

3) With foods that the child finds particularly distasteful, simply put them on his plate day after day, but don’t require him to eat. Encourage him, but don’t require him.

4) Limit the child’s liquid intake before a meal. Lucas used to fill up on milk or water to avoid having to eat what we were serving.

5) Use dips to your advantage. Kids like to dip, and if ketchup helps cover up the taste, so be it. Let him.

6) While you’re working on his picky habits, talk to his doctor about nutrients. Find out if you need to supplement calcium or any other vitamin.

7) Don’t tell other people, within the child’s earshot, that he’s a picky eater. The more you validate it, the more he’ll live up to the label. Convince him that he’s capable of eating any food.

So trust that all hope is not lost with picky eaters. Train your child to eat well in the same way that you would teach him to read. Take it slowly and be patient. Every child is capable of breaking habits, which is exactly what picky eating is. Help him overcome his picky eating ways, and he’ll thank you for it when he’s an adult.

I’d love to hear from you if you have a picky eater. Have you found any other tactics that work?

Filed Under: parenting Tagged With: , ,

Desperate Times

January 18, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Source: naturallysavvy.com

Sometimes desperate times do call for desperate measures. No matter how much we may understand that threatening and repeating tactics will ultimately fail, there are times when we resort to these measures. And that’s ok.

It’s so easy to get wrapped up in the idea that parenting is the most important job we will ever do. When we realize that we truly do have the power to shape our children, it’s easy to set super-high expectations for ourselves. When things go wrong, it’s not pretty. Forgiveness — from ourselves and other moms — doesn’t come easily.

That’s what makes parenting so hard. Yes, it’s an important job. And yes, women are highly critical of each other. While I’d love to ask moms to go a little easier on each other, the least we can do is forgive ourselves.

And the truth of the matter is that sometimes counting to three really works. Sometimes bribing our kids works. And sometimes it’s on the fourth time that we repeat an instruction that we get obedience. If the day has gone horribly wrong, and in the middle of cooking dinner, you realize you’re out of the most critical ingredient, it may be one of those times that you need to bribe the children to obey during a quick trip to the store. It’s better to bribe and maintain emotional stability than to run the risk of being sent over the edge by a child running wild in the produce section.

Besides, there’s a difference between knowing and doing. We may intellectually know how we want to train our children and what behaviors we expect of them, but actually implementing these parenting ideas consistently is a different endeavor entirely. Again, that’s ok.

There’s one crucial thing to remember about this: don’t do it often. Sometimes we need to call upon our most desperate measures, but the other 98% of the time, we need to diligently train our kids in the behaviors and attitudes we expect. If your attempts to train go horribly wrong, it’s probably a clue that you’re using desperate measures a little too often.

But before you even think about criticizing yourself for this, remember that you deserve to be forgiven. You are your harshest critic, so go easy on yourself every now and then.

Filed Under: first-time obedience, moral training, parenting Tagged With: , ,

Find Your Inner Cheerleader

January 16, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Source: fancydressball.co.uk

I’m amazingly fortunate to have a friend who is traveling the homeschooling journey with me. Her kids are slightly older than mine. All four went to the same school together last year. As luck would have it, before the school year was over last year, I took Lucas to a birthday party and overheard another friend say that Missy* was going to homeschool her kids. If there was ever a purpose for those crazy birthday parties, this was it.

I bring this up because Missy is an amazing cheerleader for her kids. She is so excited to be homeschooling her kids, and her excitement is infectious, both to her kids and me! While I’m rethinking my decision to homeschool, she plans to homeschool her kids the whole way through. She loves every minute of it. I think her attitude towards homeschooling completely sets the tone for their days. She is the ultimate cheerleader.

I’ll be the first to admit that I am no cheerleader. I’m a glass-half-empty kind of girl. But recognizing my weakness is the first step to changing it, right? When I face an obstacle with my kids — whether it’s related to school or some behavioral issue — I now ask myself, What would Missy say?

Last night, William was almost done with his math books (yay!) but he had to make a few corrections before we could call it done. After therapy and a quick trip to the mall, we came home and sat down to finish. After he redid a few incorrectly on his own, I realized that I needed to sit down with him and help him through. It was late, we hadn’t eaten dinner, our routine was completely off, there were quite a few corrections to be made, we had a difficult morning, Lucas was off playing, and I wasn’t going to let him go to bed until it was done. It had disaster written all over it. I’m happy to say that with Missy sitting on my shoulder (figuratively, of course), I cheered him through it!

At every turn, I had to stop myself from spouting out something negative and defeating. I then mustered up the most positive thing I could say. I uttered “You can do this!” quite a bit, and while I was going for variety, the repetition didn’t hurt. We even laughed together at some of his crazy incorrect answers. We were in it together, and he got it done!

So if you are struggling with a particular issue with your child — whether it’s a behavioral issue, a difficult chore, homework or anything else — find your inner cheerleader. I once read a quote that said something like, “Who came up with the idea that making our kids feel bad about themselves (through discipline or derision) would make them change their behavior?” It’s so true! If we want them to improve, we need to make them feel good about themselves.

Here are a few negative phrases I’m sure I’ve uttered at some point and their cheerleader alternatives:

1) You’re 5 years old. You should know better. –> You’re such a big boy. I had no idea you were so smart.

2) Come on. You know this. Why can’t you do it? –> You can do this! I believe in you!

3) Please try folding laundry. You may not do it perfectly, but that’s ok. –> I had no idea you were so good at folding laundry! That was really hard! (Refold after the child has gone to bed.)

4) Did you really think that snatching that toy from your brother was a good choice? Really? –> I know you like that toy, and it can be so tempting to take the things you want. But I think your brother would feel better if you asked first. Do you agree? Let’s give it back and find another toy like that one.

5) You were good at riding your bike last time. What happened? Try harder! –> I see your bike-riding skills are a little rusty. That’s okay. It happens to me, too. Let’s keep going and it will get easier.

6) I see you got a good grade on your spelling test. Good. That’s as it should be. –> Wow! You got such a good grade on your spelling test! Let’s put it up on the fridge so Daddy sees it when he gets home!

Try to step outside yourself to listen to how you speak to your child. Honestly evaluate whether you are defeating or lifting up your child. If it’s the former, make it a point to work on it and stop yourself before you utter another negative phrase. Our kids want to please us. Let’s encourage them by making them feel good about doing so.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent. :)

Filed Under: parenting, prevention, Uncategorized Tagged With: ,

Forgive Yourself

December 20, 2012 by Leave a Comment

Source: www.washingtonparent.com

By Valerie Plowman, www.babywisemom.com

If you are a reader of this blog, I think I can safely assume that you are a parent who is actively invested in trying to do everything “right” — right according to your own judgement and discernment. Of course, we often are faced with situations as parents where we don’t necessasrily know what “right” is in the context of our situation. We have to make a judgement call in the moment.

Because we are humans, there will invariably be times when we make the wrong call. In our 20/20 hindsight we look back and see the choice we made was not the “right” one. We should have acted differently in the situation. We should have chosen a different consequence. We should have responded a different way. We made a mistake.

This retrospective analyzing happens quite often as parents, and I find for myself it happens most often with my oldest child (seven years old). With him, I am always a first-time parent. I am always facing situations for the first time with him. Because of this, I make the most mistakes with him. I have the most “ooopps–that wasn’t the best option” moments. I think we all know what those moments are like.

And this leads me to the message of my post. Forgive yourself. Yes, you make mistakes. You need to move past them. Learn what you can, apologize if needed (it isn’t always), forgive yourself, and put it behind you. Don’t stress about it! Children are resilient. Children are incredibly forgiving. Children can and will survive the many mistakes we make as parents (now, this is of course referring to normal, everyday mistakes parents make).

Don’t let fear of mistakes paralyze you. Do what you think is best at the moment. If you find that wasn’t best, learn from it and tweak your strategy for the next time. When you make a mistake, it isn’t as though you are thinking to yourself, “Ha ha! I am going to do XYZ because that will really take things in the wrong direction!” No! You are thinking, “I am going to do XYZ because I think that is best for my child.” If you find it wasn’t, offer yourself grace and take the lesson learned, act on it, and move forward. Your child will learn from your mistakes as well — it is a great gift for your child to see that you are not perfect and that mistakes are a normal part of life. Your children will forgive you, and you should, too.

Valerie is the mother of four (7, 5, 3, and 4 months) and blogs at www.babywisemom.com.

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Do you overparent?

August 8, 2012 by Leave a Comment

Source: www.nytimes.com

There’s a great NY Times article that’s been circulating the social media circles. Titled, “Raising Successful Children,” it talks about how many parents “overparent” or do too much for their children–much to the child’s detriment.

The article talks about finding that balance between being too lax (permissive) and being too controlling (authoritarian). This idea is nothing new to those of us who have read the Ezzos’ books. That parenting sweet spot is called authoritative parenting, not to be confused with authoritarian parenting. The authoritative parent has no fear of taking a position of authority with the child, yet he makes no attempt to control the child. Here’s how the NY Times describes it:

Decades of studies, many of them by Diana Baumrind, a clinical and developmental psychologist at the University of California, Berkeley, have found that the optimal parent is one who is involved and responsive, who sets high expectations but respects her child’s autonomy. These “authoritative parents” appear to hit the sweet spot of parental involvement and generally raise children who do better academically, psychologically and socially than children whose parents are either permissive and less involved, or controlling and more involved.

One of the most important tasks of the authoritative parent is knowing when to step back. As the Ezzos tell us, it’s important that children make mistakes–and learn from them–while the stakes are low. But actually letting our children make mistakes is no easy feat.

Hanging back and allowing children to make mistakes is one of the greatest challenges of parenting. It’s easier when they’re young — tolerating a stumbling toddler is far different from allowing a preteenager to meet her friends at the mall.

Being able to step back and let them make mistakes is easier when we understand that parenting is not about ensuring our children’s happiness. It’s about guiding them as they grow, and helping them to become confident, capable adults. Those of us who followed Babywise when our kids were babies are familiar with this idea. Letting a baby cry is so, so difficult, but if it teaches the little one how to sleep well and sleep independently, it’s so worth it in the end.

So if children are able to live with mistakes and even failing, why does it drive us crazy? So many parents have said to me, “I can’t stand to see my child unhappy.” If you can’t stand to see your child unhappy, you are in the wrong business. The small challenges that start in infancy (the first whimper that doesn’t bring you running) present the opportunity for “successful failures,” that is, failures your child can live with and grow from. To rush in too quickly, to shield them, to deprive them of those challenges is to deprive them of the tools they will need to handle the inevitable, difficult, challenging and sometimes devastating demands of life.

And when we’re too concerned with preventing our children from making mistakes, we need to realize that it’s more about us than it is about them. Doing so can have detrimental effects on a child’s developing sense of self:

When we do things for our children out of our own needs rather than theirs, it forces them to circumvent the most critical task of childhood: to develop a robust sense of self.

If pushing, direction, motivation and reward always come from the outside, the child never has the opportunity to craft an inside. Having tutors prep your anxious 3-year-old for a preschool interview because all your friends’ children are going to this particular school or pushing your exhausted child to take one more advanced-placement course because it will ensure her spot as class valedictorian is not involved parenting but toxic overparenting aimed at meeting the parents’ need for status or affirmation and not the child’s needs.

But how exactly do we find the strength and determination to not overparent?

It’s hard to swim upstream, to resist peer pressure. But we must remember that children thrive best in an environment that is reliable, available, consistent and noninterfering.

Finding that balance is all about creating an environment that allows them to fail, but does so in a way that’s safe. I’m all for shielding a child from negative social influences when they are young and super impressionable. Because of this, I make sure they are around people who will show them a good example. At the same time, I make sure they are given the freedom to make mistakes within their sheltered environment. So when they make a mistake, there will be an attentive adult to call attention to the child’s mistake and teach him better alternatives.

Also, I have learned from the Ezzos that the difficult things that are required of parents are not done in spite of the child or the circumstances, but because of them. We maintain healthy marriages not despite parenting demands, but because of them. We don’t put the child in the center of the family despite the child, but because of him. In the same way, we let the child make mistakes and resist overparenting, not despite the child but because of him. All of these difficult tasks that some would say are done selfishly, are in fact, done to provide a healthy, stable foundation for the child.

So if you see signs of overparenting in yourself, don’t be afraid to create a sheltered environment, but know when to step back. Lay the foundation, and then step back and let the child grow.

Filed Under: moral training, parenting Tagged With: , , , ,

10 ways to save your sanity

January 12, 2012 by Leave a Comment

by Valerie Plowman from Chronicles of a Babywise Mom

As adorable, intelligent, sweet, kind, fun, loving, and all around perfect we find our children to be, there are still those moments when our children absolutely drive us to the brink of insanity. Some days you think you just might lose your mind. Some children push us there harder and faster than others. I love this quote, “A sweet and obedient child will enroll a father or mother only in Parenting 101. If you are blessed with a child who tests your patience to the nth degree, you will be enrolled in Parenting 505.” Oh how I know that.

I recently faced a day when a certain child of mine had pushed me to my limit. I was very frustrated. I don’t like to be frustrated in general and especially not with my children, so I came up with a list of things to do when I need to save my sanity.

First, five ways to collect yourself:

  1. Pray. The first thing I did when I reached my limit was hit my knees and pray. I prayed for patience, for understanding, for love, and for help. I definitely got it, and thus this list was born.
  2. Take a Time Out. It can help to take a time out for yourself and gain some perspective. Chances are once you are able to take a moment to breathe, you can assess the situation for what it really is and will realize it is not as terrible as it seems in the heat of the moment. Taking a time out for yourself is definitely not as easy as just walking away if you have young children. You need to first get that child in a safe situation before you go take your time out.
  3. Call Your Spouse. I find strength in calling my husband and talking things through with him. He can offer some sanity-saving perspective and yet can also understand to some degree what I am talking about. Sometimes just venting about it can help relieve some pressure. You can also brainstorm with your spouse ideas for solving the issue if it needs to be solved.
  4. Get Inspiration and Peace. Sing a favorite tune–something that brings peace to you like a hymn. Read a favorite scripture–especially one that encourages you to press forward or to love unconditionally. Read a favorite quote that boosts you up.
  5. Find the Humor. You know how when someone else’s child is acting up you can find it really funny, but when it is your child, you are not so amused? I think of a friend whose son one day got into her 5 gallon bucket of flour. Hilarious story from my perspective. It might not have been so funny to me if I had walked into my kitchen to find 5 gallons of flour spread by a toddler…try to find the humor in what you are facing.

Next, five ways to grow that love for your child so you can maintain better patience in the future:

  1. List 10 Things You Love. Either write down on paper, think to yourself, or verbalize to your child ten things you love about your child. What is it about this age you will miss when it is gone? What unique personality traits do you enjoy about your child? What things does your child do that you appreciate? This turns our focus to the good–we see the wheat in our field rather than the tares. There will always be good and always be bad, and focusing on the good helps us love and appreciate the good there is.
  2. Recall Memories. This is when some form of journal-keeping comes in handy. This can be in a traditional written journal, a scrapbook, a baby book, a slideshow of pictures on your computer, a list of funny things your child has done…take a moment to remember the good times. Remember how you think this child is pretty much one of the top five most amazing people to grace this planet? Remind yourself of why.
  3. Do Service. The answer to our own pity parties is always to serve others. Think of some service you can provide to your child at this moment.
  4. Do Fun. Create a new fun memory. Read a book, play a game, paint fingernails…do something just fun together that is no-stress.
  5. Cuddles and Hugs. Cuddle up and give your child hugs. I find when I am feeling frustrated with a child, giving a nice, long hug always melts away that frustration.

I wanted to add a bit of advice, also. If your child is suddenly acting out of sorts and not being himself, there is a good chance there is a good reason for that. He might be teething or have an ear infection. Maybe he is feeling like he needs more one-on-one time with you. Once you have saved your sanity and are ready to face the day with grace again, take some time to see if there is an extenuating circumstance that has put your child in a super grumpy mood. Remember my day I was super frustrated that I talked about in the beginning? Well, I knew it was uncharacteristic, and a trip to the doctor the next morning revealed a double ear infection.

I leave you with this quote from Thomas S. Monson: If you are still in the process of raising children, be aware that the tiny fingerprints that show up on almost every newly cleaned surface, the toys scattered about the house, the piles and piles of laundry to be tackled will disappear all too soon and that you will—to your surprise—miss them profoundly.

I believe this to be true. Grandmother after grandmother tries to impress this upon me and every other young mother out there when she gets the chance. I already see things I miss profoundly; as our days go by more and more quickly, I try to maintain my sanity and cherish each moment to the best of my ability. I want to remember these moments with fondness, a bit of humor, and without regret.

Filed Under: parenting, prevention Tagged With: ,

What I wish I’d known with baby #1

November 16, 2011 by 1 Comment

by Rachel Rowell, My Baby Sleep Guide

The first few months after my first child, Joshua, was born were rough. Okay, I’m under-exaggerating that. He cried endlessly, didn’t sleep, and I was a basket case. Maybe you’ve been there. It’s not a pretty sight.

The second time around went much more smoothly. I knew what to expect, I thought a lot about how I wanted to do things, and I learned piles of stuff through experiences, my own and others’. Maybe this is your first child or maybe it’s your fifth. Either way, sometimes we all need a moment to take a look at the bigger picture, remember what to expect and maybe even get a few pointers.

Here’s my list of what I wish I’d known with Joshua, or baby #1. Much is related to sleep, but not all.

  • Remember, life with a baby is a journey, not a destination. Keep the end goal of great sleep in mind, but don’t get so distracted trying to reach it that you forget to live and enjoy the journey.
  • Make sure to let baby fall asleep on you every once in a while. It is one of those precious moments that will stay with you forever.
  • We all have our bad days, babies included. So don’t freak out and jump to every possible conclusion when they happen! You will stress yourself out for no reason at all. If things last for more than a day or two, then it is time to start the investigation.
  • Consistency pays off. It really does.
  • An overtired child, particularly a baby, is your worst nightmare. Mess up all over the place, but do not even go there! See waketimes and sleep cues for some pointers.
  • It’s okay to not be supermom every second of every day. Everyone needs to ask for help sometimes. Consider it practice at being humble.
  • Someone, somewhere out there will always be critical about how you raise your child, especially how you sleep train and discipline him. Forget about it. As long as you are keeping your child safe, happy, healthy and loved, then you are doing the right thing.
  • Children are hard. They take a lot of work. They stress you out. At the same time, raising them will likely the best thing you ever do.
  • Babies have different personalities. Some are easier than others. It is a fact of life (albeit an unfair one!). Some sleep great no matter what. Some have quite a few sleep problems even if things are done perfectly. That is how it goes. If you fall into the “doesn’t sleep great” party, that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you are a bad parent, and it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with your child. Sleep just isn’t one of his strengths. I’m sure he has many others.
  • Motherhood is full of small, but great moments. Focus on those.
  • Be patient with sleep. It takes some babies a while to get it. If it takes them a month longer than their older sister or cousin it doesn’t matter. They have their own timetable. Their uniqueness makes them special.
  • Tomorrow is a new day. It doesn’t matter what happened yesterday or the day before. Time to start afresh.
  • If you think your baby has colic, rule out overtiredness first. Because that is very possibly the problem.
  • Everyone needs support sometimes. Someone to talk to. Someone to give you a hug. Knowing you are not the only one going through something does wonders.
  • Comparing your child’s sleep to others is only sometimes useful as a reference point, not a copy point. Your child is not their child. Your child has his own needs and his own strengths and weaknesses.
  • Sometimes there is no reason for what is going on. No reason at all. Sorry, but it’s true.
  • Babies have different personalities and will respond to your routine in different ways. Work with your baby, not against him when making your routine.
  • Be flexible. Don’t be so ruled by your routine you are unable to enjoy life, unable to enjoy your baby and unable to follow your mommy instinct. Adjust your routine to fit you and baby.
  • Life with a young baby is full of phases. Much of what happens is just a phase. That’s it. Some have names and causes (teething, learning a new skill) and some appear nameless and causeless. But guess what, each of these phases does pass! Keep that in mind when you feel at your wit’s end.
  • Relax. Enjoy life. Enjoy your baby. He will not be little forever. You won’t do everything perfectly and that is okay! If you’re perfect, how will your child learn what he doesn’t want to do as a parent when he grows up. :)
  • A sleep association is not the end of the world. In fact, it is much preferable to a mom pulling out all her hair, going half insane and a baby getting no sleep at all. Yes, start as you mean to go on, but only if the end result will be a pleasing one. There are many things worse than a prop-dependent baby.
  • Your baby is not a machine. The same thing goes for you. Do not expect perfection on either front. Do not expect things to go exactly by the book. They won’t. Thinking so will result in piles of stress and, sometimes, a feeling of failure.
  • You are doing better than you think you are. You are really are!

And finally, remember to take time out for yourself sometimes. You need it and most importantly, you deserve it!

Rachel blogs at My Baby Sleep Guide.

Filed Under: parenting Tagged With: , , ,
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