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Take the ego out of parenting
There’s a post on Motherlode, the NY Times’ parenting blog, that’s in response to the article “Raising Successful Children.” In it, the author talks about the ego in parenting. This paragraph sums up the post nicely:
“Sometimes, though, I begin to suspect that we do all this discussing and ruminating, as Ms. Levine put it, ‘out of our own needs rather than theirs.’ How egotistical is it to think that my parenting skills shape my children’s every action? They are not, as one commenter to this blog noted recently, Labradoodles. Some of what they do, and the choices they make, should be down to them,” (Motherlode, “The Ego in Raising Successful Children“).
The original article and the Ezzos tell us that we need to give our children the freedom to fail. Our children need to learn from their mistakes while they are young and while the stakes are low. So why is this so difficult for parents?
Ego. We created these little beings. We are responsible for how they turn out, right? This would certainly explain the competition in trying to make our kids better than everybody else’s. When our kids are the smartest or most talented in their class, is it a reflection on them or on us? I think many of us would say that we were instrumental in making that happen.
On the flip side, do we take responsibility when things go awry? When our teenager becomes rebellious and starts failing classes, do we take responsibility? Probably not. How convenient is that? We take credit when things go well, but then we get to shift the blame to the child–or more likely, his teacher–when things go wrong?
How about we completely take the ego out of parenting? Can we create these little beings, create a healthy environment (modeling good behavior), teach them when issues arise and leave it at that? At what point are our children responsible for their own actions?
“It’s our resistance to that statement [the quote above] that leaves us in exactly the parental position Ms. Levine laments: afraid to see our children fail. That’s perhaps the ultimate parenting catch: someone out there will put your child’s every failure, whether it’s rudeness as a preschooler to failing algebra in high school, on you. You, in fact, will put any and all such failures exactly there: did you not teach them any better?
And yet we still have to let them fail. We have to let ourselves fail, or appear to fail, in order to have even a shot at doing this parenting job right. A blow to the ego? Indeed. But didn’t we agree that this isn’t supposed to be about us?” (Motherlode, “The Ego in Raising Successful Children“).
If we can resist the temptation to “overparent,” we can more easily take the ego out of parenting and hold our children accountable for the choices they make–whether they turn out well or not.
Don’t rush your child to grow up
On Wednesday, I talked about a NY Times article that discusses the idea of “overparenting.” The article talks about parents doing too much for their kids. Rushing our children like this, the authors say, has harmful effects on the child’s developing sense of self.
I flipped open my Growing Kids God’s Way book tonight and discovered a passage that discusses this idea directly. (I love it when I flip open a book and it gives me exactly the message I need at that moment.)
“All too often, parents rush the process of growing up. Too soon, Dad and Grandpa are signing R.J. up for junior hockey, simply because he was mesmerized by the latest ESPN commercial. … Never mind the fact that R.J. is only four years old and hates the cold. Dad is left coercing, correcting, pleading, and dealing with tears, while R.J. is clearly out of his league,” (Growing Kids God’s Way, p. 178).
It is fantastic when children develop a true passion for a sport or any other extracurricular activity, but when the primary motivation comes from the outside, the child’s sense of self is hindered. The book goes on:
“Maybe you have not rushed your child to the hockey rink lately, but have you rushed him in other behavior activities that are way beyond his intellectual and social readiness or interest? … Think about their readiness to learn. While it is true that the brain grows best when challenged, it is also true that such challenges must be developmentally and age appropriate. Too often, parents push their children into higher learning activities only to discover that their children’s abilities are impaired because they were rushed. … Children in our society are rushed morally, behaviorally, sexually, intellectually, and physically,” (Growing Kids God’s Way, p. 178).
It’s a curious thing, this need of parents to rush their children. We always want the best for them, and we get caught up in this trap that our child has to be better and smarter than every other child. What are some ways to speed the process along? Teach them to read at a year old! Sign them up for competitive chess at age 2! Fill their summers with camps that promise unparalleled enrichment!
Can you detect my sarcasm? Let your child be a child. I remember when my oldest was little. It was easy to get caught up in this competition. He knew all of his letters before he was 2 and he was reading at age 4. But I have since learned that there’s really no point in it at all. Who’s to say that a child who learns his letters at age 2 is going to be smarter than the child who learns them at age 3 or 4? The only thing it tells you for sure is that the parents are motivated to push the child. It really doesn’t say much about the child.
And back when William was little, I heard other parents (parents of children older than mine) say, “What’s the rush?” In my ignorance (or arrogance), I thought, Well, they just don’t understand or care that their child be the best he can be. I have learned so much in my (almost) 8 years as a parent! I’m now the one saying, “What’s the rush?” It’s true, what meaningful advantage will your child have by learning everything a little bit sooner? And do you want to run the risk of burnout by age 6?
Perhaps more to the point, what will your child miss out on by learning academics or being pushed into sports before he is developmentally ready? Most kids are developmentally ready for academics around the age of 5. (There’s a reason schools don’t take them before they’re 5.) When they are 2, they are still figuring out the world. When they are 3, they are learning to play imaginatively (and think critically). Let him develop naturally, and you’ll be sure he doesn’t skip over any critical developmental phases.
In fact, academics will come more easily and naturally when the child is ready. Start early and you’re in for months or years of heartache. Equate it to potty training. If you start before they’re ready, you’ll deal with months and months of accidents and a discouraged mom and child. If you wait until the child shows signs of readiness, you can potty train him in a week. I did!
Okay, I’ll get off my soapbox now. But before I do, I have one request. When you think about starting a new activity (physical, academic, whatever), give some thought as to whether he’s really ready and what might be the harm in waiting a little while longer. Before long, I bet you’ll be the one saying, “What’s the rush?!”
Parenting the whole child
How balanced is your parenting? Do you parent the whole child or do you tend to favor one aspect of the child’s development over another?
In On Becoming Childwise, the authors urge us to parent all four general capacities of our children. The four general capacities are as follows:
1. Physical. It is our duty to nurture and provide for our children’s physical growth and well-being. This includes not only basic food, clothing and shelter, but also healthy eating habits, regular exercise, good hygiene, and all other things related to their little bodies.
2. Intellectual. The authors say that we are required to provide “basic skills, logic, and useful knowledge.” But I would extend this to say that we need to determine how our children learn best. Whether our kids are educated in preschool, private school, public school or homeschool, we need to do more than simply accept the cultural norm. Find the education solution that works best for the individual child (within the context of the family situation, of course).
3. Emotional. I’m a little troubled by what the book says in regard to this capacity: “Parents help their children establish internal controls over both positive and negative emotions,” (p. 66). Maybe I’m misreading it, but it sounds to me like they’re saying our children need to learn to suppress their emotions. I think parenting our children’s emotional capacity is all about accepting our children’s emotions, no matter what. If my child is physically hurt, I’m going to let him cry. Or if a friend intentionally excludes my child in play, I’m going to acknowledge the sadness that it caused. It’s all about showing that emotions are a normal, acceptable part of life. Parenting in this area is also about showing patience and empathy for others. This can be done through modeling this for them, teaching through direct instruction, and correcting behaviors that go against this goal.
4. Moral. I wholeheartedly agree with this statement: “The duty of a parent is to help his or her child internalize virtues that reflect the values of the family and society,” (p. 66).
But ultimately, no matter how we address each area of parenting, we must find a balanced approach. There are some kids who may need more attention in one capacity than another, but we must still address all areas. To spend all of our time and effort helping the child’s intellectual growth while neglecting any moral teachings represents unhealthy, unbalanced parenting. The same holds true for focusing on moral teachings over emotional attention.
The book sums it up nicely:
“All four facets receive attention. None should be neglected, underdeveloped, or overemphasized. Why is that? Because competence and character go hand in hand. You do not want to raise a smart child who lacks integrity. Nor do you want a great athlete with a shallow intellect. Academic skills without values, values without healthy emotions, happy feelings without productivity, and physical stature without moral wisdom all represent developmental imbalances,” (p. 66).
Stop for a minute to think about how balanced your parenting may be. Do you tend to favor one capacity over another? Does your child require more attention in one area than another? If so, are you able to balance out the other areas? Is any imbalance caused by you, society around you, urgings from family members or friends? If so, don’t be afraid to go against the grain and stand up for a whole child parenting approach.
Are you a wife or mom first?
Note: Forgive me for assuming most of my readers are women. For the few men who read my blog, this post does also apply to you.
Are you a wife or mom first? Do you identify yourself as a wife or mom? Which relationship do you make a priority in your life?
We all take on many different roles in our lives based on our relationships with others: friend, sister, aunt, niece, daughter, granddaughter, etc. Our roles of wife and mom take precedence simply because we spend our days with our children and husbands. And when our children are young, we spend the majority of our time caring for them and tending to their needs.
But let me assure you, for the benefit of your family, your role of wife should be a higher priority than that of mom. By redefining the husband-wife relationship, you run the risk of maintaining a child-centered household. In a child-centered home, you are not wife; you are mom. And as mom, you are less accountable to your spouse and yourself. You are solely accountable to the child.
For many, it’s preferable to only be accountable to the child because:
- As parents, we are perfect in our child’s eyes.
- Unlike any other role in our lives, our role as mom allows us to feel needed. Our children give us purpose.
- Our culture says that we can do anything we want as long as it’s what we deem best for the child.
“Some parents equate overindulgence with love, giving a child everything he wants in the belief that they are teaching some form of benevolence. Withholding correction from the child is equated with teaching a form of heavenly grace. Tolerating disobedience is equated to teaching patience. Diverting a child from sadness, regardless of the root cause of that sadness, is thought to be a form of compassion and consolation,” (On Becoming Childwise, p. 47-48).
I’ll be the first to admit that prioritizing my marriage is not easy. As a stay-at-home mom, my kids are my primary focus. And our culture makes it so easy and acceptable to put the children first. But make no mistake, child-centered parenting creates within the child a false sense of self-reliance. The child becomes wise in his own eyes and attitude issues run rampant. Do all that you can to prioritize your role of wife over that of mom.
What I’m Reading: “Bringing Up Bebe,” The Pause
Technically, I’m done reading Bringing Up Bebe, but there’s so much to discuss! Today, I’ll talk about “la pause” or “the pause.” Essentially, it’s the idea of allowing a baby to self-soothe, pausing before intervening. Now, this blog isn’t really intended for parents of babies, but this idea applies across the board. It’s all about giving children the freedom to gain independence.
For babies, this means not intervening the minute they cry. For starters, by rushing in and picking up the baby every time he makes a peep, the parent could unintentionally wake the baby. But there’s more:
“Another reason for pausing is that baies wake up between their sleep cycles, which last about two hours. [I’ve noticed sleep cycles can be as short as 35 minutes, particularly at nap time.] It’s normal for them to cry a bit when they’re first learning to connect these cycles. If a parent automatically interprets this cry as a demand for food or a sign of distress and rushes in to soothe the baby, the baby will have a hard time learning to connect the cycles on his own. That is, he’ll need an adult to come in and soothe him back to sleep at the end of each cycle,” (Bringing Up Bebe, p. 45).
By not pausing when a baby wakes up, we end up teaching them to wake up at every sleep cycle and depend on mom and dad for middle-of-the-night soothing.
“It’s suddenly clear to me that Alison, the marketing expert whose son fed every two hours for six months, wasn’t handed a baby with weird sleep needs. She unwittingly taught him to need a feed at the end of every two-hour sleep cycle. Alison wasn’t just catering to her son’s demands. Despite her best intentions, she was creating those demands,” (Bringing Up Bebe, p. 47).
Does this relate to older children? Absolutely! It’s all about using your power as a parent, through whatever technique, to teach our children to become independent. Whether you learn to pause when your little one is a baby or don’t learn to do so until he’s 5, it’s serves as an important philosophical parenting decision. Understand that coddling a child doesn’t do him any good. He will need to assert independence at some point in life, and the earlier he does so, the more capable he’ll be.
“Behind this is an important philosophical difference. French parents believe it’s their job to gently teach babies how to sleep well, the same way they’ll later teach them to have good hygiene, eat balanced meals, and ride a bike. They don’t view being up half the night with an eight-month-old as a sign of parental commitment. They view it as a sign that the child has a sleep problem and that his family is wildly out of balance. When I describe Alison’s case to Frenchwomen, they say it’s ‘impossible’–both for the child and his mother,” (Bringing Up Bebe, p. 48).
And don’t discount the importance of sleep in older children. Good sleep habits begin in infancy.
“There’s growing evidence that young children who don’t sleep enough, or who have disturbed sleep, can suffer from irritability, aggressiveness, hyperactivity, and poor impulse control, and can have trouble learning and remembering things. They are more prone to accidents, their metabolic and immune functions are weakened, and their overall quality of life diminishes. And sleep problems that begin in infancy can persist for many years,” (Bringing Up Bebe, p. 50).
So whether your ultimate goal is establishing good sleep habits or teaching independence, be sure to wait–to pause–before intervening.
Are you the opponent, teammate, spectator, or coach?
In every sport there are the opponents, teammates, spectators, and coaches. Imagine your life as a sporting event. What role do you play? Are you the opponent, teammate, spectator, or coach?
If you’ve read my blog for any length of time, you likely know what the answer should be, but let’s examine them all.
The opponent
When it is the parent’s job to monitor the child’s actions, attitudes, and beliefs, it is far too easy to become the child’s opponent. In many ways, you have differing attitudes and goals. With opposing viewpoints, you become the opponent.
Particularly in power struggles, specifically a “battle of wills,” it is easy for the parent to take on an opposing stance, thus becoming the opponent.
My husband and I have fallen into this trap, establishing an attitude of “us vs. them” or “parents vs. children” in our home. Do not become your child’s opponent. You will quickly find yourselves at odds, and you stack the deck against yourselves. Coming to an agreement on attitudes and beliefs with a child who sees you as his opponent is difficult to say the least.
The teammate
The Ezzos and I take a very firm stance that not only is the child not to be the center of the home, but more than this, the child is not to stand on equal footing with the parent. The child is not the parent’s friend or peer. Parents must hold a position of authority over the child. Parents must avoid establishing a democracy in the home.
As your child’s teammate, you are not his opponent, but you lack the authority to guide and direct his actions and attitudes. Imagine two teammates on a soccer field. They work together toward the same objective, passing the ball between each other to get the ball in the net. But neither player has the authority to direct the other’s actions.
The spectator
No professional sporting even can exist without its fans. But let me assure you, there are no spectators in the sport of parenting. Children need parents to actively participate in their lives, not stand back and watch. I have discussed the importance of preventing behavior problems in our children. If you act as a spectator, you are essentially waiting to see how your child will behave. You are then left to deal with behavior problems after they happen. If you find yourself in a spectator role, stand up and join the game.
The coach
If this was your guess, you’re right. You want to be your child’s coach. You are your child’s teacher, even after you have sent him off to school. You hold authority over your child to train him, teach him, hold him to a standard (hopefully a high one), set limits, redirect or correct him when problems arise, stand in support of the child, and offer encouragement and praise where it’s due.
Evaluate your role
Take a minute to step back and evaluate your role in the game of life. If you see yourself as your child’s opponent, teammate, or spectator, take that as your cue to work on your relationship. Change your course and do all that you can to solidify your position as your child’s coach in life.
The greenhouse effect
On the Babywise Grads message board on BabyCenter, we have been talking a lot about school choices for our children. I started the thread because my family is facing a turning point in our lives, and I need to make some decisions about school for next year. Both boys are in private school (preschool for Lucas and 1st grade for William). Given the uncertainty of our situation, I’m not sure private school will be an option for much longer, especially if we move.
Frightened by some of the stories I hear about our local public school, I’m not sure public is right for us either. Homeschooling has become the next logical choice. There are many reasons for this including the fact that it’s portable and enables me to address William’s unique needs (giftedness, food intolerances, blood sugar instability and SPD).
If I’m honest with myself, homeschooling also appeals to me because I can protect my boys from the big, wide world. I know I can’t do so forever, so the question becomes: When will my children be ready to face the world? When will they be prepared to handle peer pressure and all the other social issues that arise in public school? Should I send them to public school because it’s the thing to do? I’m typically a conformist, but I don’t conform without thinking things through, especially with such an important topic.
If I send them to public school, would they have the skills to deal with teasing and taunting from “the mean kids”? Some say the only way you can prepare them for this is to put them in the situation. I tend to disagree. The environment alone will not prepare them. You don’t throw a child into a swimming pool and expect that the pool will teach him how to swim.
Someone needs to be there to teach them and help them cope with difficult situations in the moment. And at our local public school in particular, it seems there are just too many kids and not enough adults, particularly at recess. Keeping them from hurting each other seems to be the baseline. Forget about teaching kindness, sharing, and so many other social qualities that can be learned on the playground.
It all comes down to the greenhouse effect. I’m no gardener, but I do know that young seedlings need to be protected before they are exposed to the elements. When our children are little, we keep them home and protect them from danger. As they grow older, protection is just as important, but it takes different forms.
On the flip side, keeping vegetables in the greenhouse for too long can limit their growth. The same can be said of children. If they are homeschooled for any length of time, is it possible that we’re limiting the opportunities that they might otherwise be exposed to?
As with a garden, the key question becomes: When are they ready to be released from the protection of the greenhouse?
The Ezzos address this in the first chapter of On Becoming Childwise. They say:
“The third goal common to all parents is to raise children who are well-prepared for life. Will you be able to give your children everything they need to make it in this world—without trying to give them the world?”
Of course, this is subjective and individual for every family, but I tend to take a more cautious approach and want to take the time to ensure I have given them what they need.
“Parents want their children emotionally, intellectually, physically, and morally equipped to enter life outside the watchful and protective eye of mom and dad.”
How long will you keep your kids in your greenhouse?
What I’m Reading: “Bringing Up Bebe,” The Sage Child
In French parenting, according to the book Bringing Up Bebe, there is a term that describes an ideal quality in children: sage.
“Sage (sah-je)—wise and calm. This describes a child who is in control of himself or absorbed in an activity. Instead of saying “be good,” French parents say “be sage,” (Bringing Up Bebe).
However, as the author describes, the term means much more than good behavior.
“When I tell Bean [the author’s daughter] to be sage, I’m telling her to behave appropriately. But I’m also asking her to use good judgment and to be aware and respectful of other people. I’m implying that she has a certain wisdom about the situation and that she’s in command of herself. And I’m suggesting that I trust her,” (Bringing Up Bebe, p. 60).
Understand that French parents do not expect their children to be robots. In the same way that the cadre allows children to have freedom within limits, a sage child can still have fun:
“Being sage doesn’t mean being dull. The French kids I know have a lot of fun,” (Bringing Up Bebe, p. 60).
But it is because of their sage quality that French children are able to have fun:
“In the French view, having the self-control to be calmly present, rather than anxious, irritable, and demanding is what allows kids to have fun,” (Bringing Up Bebe, p. 60-61).
The author discusses the history of the term and how the idea of sage has evolved:
“In France, the idea that kids are second-class beings who only gradually gain status persisted into the 1960s. I’ve met Frenchmen now in their forties who, as children, weren’t allowed to speak at the dinner table unless they were first addressed by an adult. Children were often expected to be ‘sage comme une image’ (quiet as a picture), the equivalent of the old English dictum that children should be seen but not heard,” (Bringing Up Bebe, p. 86).
Today, children are still expected to be quiet and respectful, but within reason:
“It suddenly seemed that by shutting kids up, parents might be screwing them up, too. French kids were still expected to be well behaved and to control themselves, but gradually after 1968 they were encouraged to express themselves, too. The French parents I know often use sage to mean self-controlled but also happily absorbed in an activity. ‘Before it was ‘sage like a picture.’ Now it’s ‘sage and awakened,’’ explained the French psychologist and writer Maryse Vaillant, herself a member of the famous ‘Generation of ’68,’” (Bringing Up Bebe, p. 87).
So what is there to learn from this? Essentially, teach your children that there is a time and place for everything. Teach them that they should be quiet at the dinner table simply to show good manners, but if they have something to say, allow them to express themselves. It’s all in the name of teaching our children to be wise, calm and self-controlled.
Managing authority
How well do you manage your authority over your children? Do other people think you’re too strict? Too permissive? Do you bribe or threaten your way out of bad behavior?
“Let’s face it, authority has been a struggle for humankind from Cain and Abel to Bonnie and Clyde. Children struggle with it from birth, and as we grow older, the struggles just grow,” (On Becoming Childwise).
Despite our struggles with authority, we cannot parent our children without it. We cannot teach them the ways of the world without it. We cannot coexist peacefully without it. How we handle authority sets the tone for our parenting.
“Everybody has an idea for handling authority: diversion, persuasion, surrender, bribery, pleading,” (On Becoming Childwise).
We must be strong enough to take a position of authority even when other people think we are too strict.
“For many people, authority has taken on a derogatory flavor. We almost feel like we have to apologize when we use it. … [But] authority is a necessary positive. Until man can order his own affairs, until he ceases to prey on his brothers, he will need someone to maintain order. This is critical for children. The proper use of authority, whether it be parental leadership in the home or civic government, is not restraint, but liberation,” (On Becoming Childwise).
This idea that authority brings freedom and comfort echoes what I said in my last post about the cadre in French parenting.
Despite this clear need for authority, we must be sure to find the right balance:
“The parent who controls too little and the parent who controls too much both reflect misconceptions and false antagonism that have misguided today’s parents. Though both approaches are attempts to produce conscientious, responsible children, they are extremes which apply improper use of authority,” (On Becoming Childwise).
We should take a step back and decide where our authority lies in the spectrum.
“Sadly, many parents live at one of these unwise poles. The over-authoritarian parent may employ highly punitive and sometimes abusive practices which come with strict rules and heavy-handed punishment. The problem here is not the exercise of authority, as some believe, but the excessive and wrongful use of authority,” (On Becoming Childwise).
Every time we exert authority over our children, we should question our reason for doing so. Yes, authority is required, but it should be used to protect the health, safety and morality of our children. If it is used for our own convenience or ego, the authority has been abused.
This line between healthy and abusive authority can be easily blurred. Holding a young child’s hand while crossing the street is a clear use of healthy authority. Making that same child sit in the shopping cart at the grocery store may be an unnecessary use of authority. Perhaps the child is responsible enough to handle the freedom of not sitting in the cart. And at the far end of the extreme, using our authority to require a child spend his Saturday mowing the lawn, doing the dishes, folding the laundry, pulling weeds and fetching us a glass of water is an abuse of authority.
Make sure every use of your authority is done in the name of helping the child become a better person. If it doesn’t promote health, safety or morality, let your authority relax and let the child be a child.
What I’m Reading: “Bringing Up Bebe,” The American Question
Bringing Up Bebe: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting by Pamela Druckerman is a fascinating book. I offered a summary here, but after starting the book, I couldn’t put it down! It’s a great read.
Today, I’ll discuss the author’s take on American parents’ tendency to push their children through milestones. Here’s an excerpt:
“In the 1960s, the Swiss psychologist Jean Piaget came to America to share his theories on the stages of children’s development. After each talk, someone in the audience typically asked him what he began calling The American Question. It was: How can we speed these stages up?
Piaget’s answer was: Why would you want to do that? He didn’t think that pushing kids to acquire skills ahead of schedule was either possible or desirable. He believed that children reach these milestones at their own speeds, driven by their own motors.
The American Question sums up an essential difference between French and American parents. We Americans assign ourselves the job of pushing, stimulating, and carrying our kids from one developmental stage to the next. The better we are at parenting, we think, the faster our kids will develop….
French parents just don’t seem so anxious for their kids to get head starts. They don’t push them to read, swim, or do math ahead of schedule. They aren’t trying to prod them into becoming prodigies,” (Bringing Up Bebe, p. 80).
I wholeheartedly agree with Piaget and French parents here. Kids need to take their own time to reach developmental milestones. And things can get tricky when a parent interferes with that natural progression.
The first year, babies are learning how to eat, sleep, move and babble. At age two, toddlers are beginning to understand their place in the world and assert some independence. At age three, most children still do parallel play, and much of their play is imaginative. At age four, the imaginative play still guides them, and it does so as they become more social. At age five, kids start school and begin the job of learning.
Parental interference can take many forms. Some parents encourage their babies to walk early by holding them up or allowing baby to hold the parents’ fingers while “walking.” This could potentially rob the child of the bi-lateral integration that happens with the crisscross movement involved in crawling.
Some parents attempt to speed up the learning process by teaching abstract academics (math or reading) to a three-year-old. When a child is taught that the world has abstract rights and wrongs, imaginative play takes a back seat. This could rob the child of creativity or even the ability to think critically.
Some parents sign their children up for activity after activity. When a four-year-old child spends more time in the car than on the playground, he doesn’t learn crucial social skills that happen at this age.
When it comes to my own kids, I think that I have allowed this natural progression. I have talked about William’s academic abilities, but he sets that pace, not me. At age two, he started taking an interest in learning his letters, but as soon as he hit age three and started playing imaginatively, that interest in letters came to a screeching halt. At age 7, school is his job, and our only extracurricular activities are piano and occupational therapy. Otherwise, he plays.
For Lucas, I follow his lead. It is only recently (almost 4.5 years old) that he’s shown interest in academics. The Leapfrog Letter Factory video is his favorite. At the same time, he plays very imaginatively with his brother and with friends at school. Learning social skills is definitely his focus, and the job of learning is starting to emerge. He has one extracurricular activity, a “sports sampler” class. We don’t do it because I expect him to become some sports prodigy. We do it because he loves it.
How naturally do your kids hit their milestones? Do you let your child set the pace or do you try to speed things up a bit?