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Change “go” to “come”
How often does the word “go” precede your instructions for your child? These instructions sound like this:
- Go wash your hands for dinner
- Go upstairs and clean your room
- Go brush your teeth
- Go put your shoes on
How well does your child obey when you tell your child to “go” do something? Even if you get eye contact and “yes, mommy,” the child might not be so willing to comply, especially if he has better ideas in mind.
Here’s a simple idea. The next time you hear yourself say “go” do X, try saying “come.” It works like this: instead of telling your child to go put his shoes on, try saying, “Come with me to the shoe basket so you can put your shoes on.” Hold out your hand to give him an indication that he is to hold it. It almost immediately changes the tone from one of confrontation to one of cooperation.
Be sure to understand that this does not mean you do the activity for him. You are not putting his shoes on for him. You are simply bringing him over to his shoes so he can put them on.
Other variations of “come” instructions might include:
- Come with me to the table so you can sit down for dinner
- Come with me to the bathroom so you can wash your hands
- Come with me to your room so we can see what toys and books need to be picked up
- Come to the bathroom so we can brush your teeth
The other benefit of this type of instruction is that it allows you to take your child by the hand and lead him to where you want him to be. It allows you to guide your child without giving an instruction, worrying about first-time obedience, or following through with a consequence. Because of this, it’s especially useful when you’re in a time crunch (no time for timeouts) and for tasks that your child typically resists.
Learn the art of hovering
Hovering over a child can be a very useful trick. But I don’t mean the helicopter parent type of hovering. In the spirit of the idea that actions speak louder than words, hovering can have a great effect on our children.
Next time you see your child misbehave or begin to cross a line, just stand near him. Let him feel your presence. Like a security guard tailing a shoplifter, just stand near him. If he knows you’re onto him, he may stop.
Say you’re on the phone and your child is supposed to be cleaning his room. Simply drift over to his room to see how it’s going. If he’s not cleaning, don’t say a word. Just stand there for a minute. If he makes eye contact with you, just raise your eyebrows and say “humph,” as in, I’m making a mental note of what’s going on here. And walk away.
If your child is doing homework, but you see him doodling instead of working, just stand behind him. If he doesn’t notice you, put your hand on the table or sit down next to him. You can look at his work. Just don’t say anything. He knows what he’s supposed to be doing. If he see that you’re there checking up on him, he’ll get back to work.
When you employ this technique, resist the urge to nag. Nagging only gives our children an excuse to complain and argue with us. If they know what they’re supposed to be doing and you hover nearby, they will get the hint.
Do you say “no” too often?
How many times in a day do you hear the word “no” escape your lips? Do you feel like all you ever do is say “no” to your child?
There are some parents who are so legalistic in the training/teaching of their children, that they say “no” much more often than they say “yes.” Do you fall into that category?
If so, imagine life from your child’s perspective. Yes, many times when we say “no” it is valid. Whether the child is being unsafe or flagrantly defying our instructions, saying “no” to our children is perfectly fine. But how about all the other times in the day?
I’ll be honest, I sometimes feel like my husband and I say “no” to our kids too often. There are many times when it’s warranted, but then I try to imagine life from my kids’ perspective. It can be stifling. It can create an “us vs. them” (children vs. parents) adversarial mentality. Really, when they’re just curious about something and not hurting anything, we should just allow the behavior.
So when you’re tempted to say “no,” stop and ask yourself if any of the following are true of the behavior:
- Is it unsafe?
- Is it hurting anyone or anything?
- If it continues, will it bother you?
- Will it lead to long-term behavior problems?
- Does the child know when and where the behavior is unacceptable? (For example, if you allow a child to hold his lovey during dinner, does he know it’s inappropriate to bring it to a restaurant?)
And finally, ask yourself if any of your child’s misbehaviors are a direct result of the fact that you say “no” too often. When our kids feel stifled, they often act out because of it. When they are denied every bit of freedom, some children will try to get it in any way they can.
First-time obedience in front of others
By Bethany Lynch, TheGracefulMom.com
As a mom with a full-time occupation outside the home, I am still quite passionate about requiring first-time obedience. Sometimes that means we have to put in a lot of effort to require first-time obedience or address the lack thereof very promptly. We often do not have all day to work on attitudes, so it feels like we have to work double time. It is extremely tempting to make excuses for not working on it…I have already put in over 8 hours of work outside of the house, people will understand that I have been gone, I feel guilty for being gone so I let my children get away with more, and so on.
I try really, really hard to limit that line of thinking. I knew before we had children that we believed in first-time obedience, and I knew that I would most likely have a full-time occupation. The only surprise was just how much time it can take to reinforce obedience. I think one of the hardest times to require first-time obedience is in public or in front of others.
When I have limited time to run errands, the last thing I want to have to do is leave my cart full of carefully selected items to take a screaming toddler out of the store. When we actually find a night to get together with friends, it is so easy to let children run around like tornadoes just so the adults can talk for a few uninterrupted minutes. What if we come across as overly strict in front of others?
I can tell you from skilled personal experience it is well worth it to take the high road and stick to your beliefs. Don’t give in just because it is hard or uncomfortable to work on obedience in front of others. The after-effects and amount of work that is required to make up for giving too much freedom can take a lot more time than I have to give.
Here are some of the ways we have decided to handle first-time obedience in front of others:
- Foremost, we try to stay rested ourselves. There is no way a tired mama can properly deal with disobedience when she is exhausted. Make sure you get the sleep you need, and you will have much more energy to work on FTO and other priorities.
- Be prepared ahead of time. Maureen has written before how to stay consistent and recommends having rules for being out in public. Whether it is an immediate consequence now or later, know ahead of time how you will respond. Ideas could include: hand folding (we use this a lot! Even my 2 yo is learning), loss of privilege to talk, time out away from others or in car, no special treats. Note: I would not recommend buying treats often on trips so that you end up bribing or threatening.
- Prep your kids before going to someone’s house or the store. Don’t give threats or set them up for failure, but simply encourage them to follow the rules. Go over what is expected and how they should handle any particular situations. If they are struggling with hitting, for example, go over other options to express their frustration instead of hitting…not that we have ever struggled with that.
- Act. You prepared to be consistent. Your kids knew the expectations. Now it has to be enforced. Consistency of the parent is parallel to the expected consistency of the child to obey. If both parents are there, I believe one parent should handle the consequence immediately. We have done timeouts outside of the furniture store, outside of the pizza restaurant in winter, oh and timeouts at the wedding this past weekend with all of our extended family watching to see how we handled it. Many times both parents are not there so Maureen also has given ideas on how to do timeouts at home after misbehaving in public.
- Praise your kids for making a conscientious choice to obey. This doesn’t mean bribing them with a small $1 toy every time you go to Target. Make sure you verbally take time to tell your kids how proud you are of the way they handled a challenging situation. For a 4-year old, keeping hands folded at someone’s house with breakable items is challenging so make sure they know you noticed!
It can be hard to follow through with others watching, but I promise they will remember the way that you followed through. You will not be the first mom to ask the manager to take her grocery cart, and your child will learn that you have consistent expectations.
Obedience training can strengthen your relationship
I often use the phrase “enjoy your children” as a tactic to improve the child’s obedience and the parent’s tolerance for disobedience. But let me say that I enjoy my children–not because I want them to obey but because they do. Let me make that clear, the work we have done on obedience is what enables me to enjoy my children.
We all go through phases with our children. When they are babies, we are completely enamored. Our children can do no wrong, and they are the most beautiful creatures on the planet. Then, they hit about 18 months and things start to go awry. It’s when they hit that “terrible two’s” stage that we parents are challenged to assert our authority and effectively direct our children and teach them important values. Their assertion of independence must be counterbalanced by our teachings to respect others, respect our things, and respect authority.
Now that my boys are older and much of this work has been done, I can say that I genuinely enjoy my children. And it’s clear to me that I enjoy my children not because they have outgrown the terrible two’s or simply because they are older. I enjoy my children because they are beginning to internalize and reflect the values we have taught.
Just tonight, Lucas and I were being silly and joking around with each other while we waited for the shower to be free. It was that small moment, amid the sometimes chaotic bedtime routine, that made me realize how much I truly love these kids. And I love them not because they are my offspring. I love them for the people they have become. They are funny, smart, friendly, creative, affectionate, confident, lovable, loyal, and spirited.
Don’t get me wrong: we do have our challenges (especially with William’s sensory issues), but we are now entering an era where the fun times outweigh the challenging ones.
We have begun homeschooling this year. It’s a journey I never expected of myself or for my children. However, we came to homeschooling naturally, and we are loving it so far. But what strikes me is that when I mention homeschooling to many moms, they ask me how I can stand to be around my kids all day. I often wonder how these moms can stand being away from their children for so many hours in the day!
My kids feel the same way. When we were first discussing the idea of homeschooling, William said to me, “Mommy, I want to homeschool because when I go to school I don’t get to see you.” What a way to melt a mom’s heart!
The Ezzos discuss this shift from leading by our authority to leading by our influence and relationship:
“Knowing what to expect and when to expect it is the key to the healthy balance between leading by authority and leading by influence. It all comes down to this simple principle: External motivations that once governed the child’s life are replaced by internal beliefs that rule from the heart. Moral maturity emancipates the child, allowing him to direct his own behavior in harmony with family values,” (Growing Kids God’s Way, p. 95).
And it is only from our teaching of family values that we can ensure that they will rule from the heart in a way that we appreciate. Notice that we don’t simply wait for them to get older and outgrow any selfishness or a lack of self control that may guide their actions and emotions. We actively teach our values so that when they reach the age that selflessness and self control becomes more easy to attain, their moral warehouse is full, and they draw upon the values that we have instilled.
So put in your work while they are young and you will reap the rewards in spades!
What to do when they question your authority
Question your authority? Never! :) However we may want to deny it, our kids will always question our authority. The point is that we need to have a plan for what to do when they do. We had a little interaction the other day that went like this:
- My husband: “William, leave the stick here in the woods.”
- William: “Why?” he asks as he holds on to the stick.
- My husband: “As much as I hate to say it: because I said so.”
- William: “But why can’t I bring the stick with me?”
It was pretty clear to my husband and me that William wasn’t genuinely curious about why he should leave sticks in the woods. He was trying to get my husband to change his mind about the stick. Asking why was his way of trying to hold on to that stick without directly defying my husband.
Nonetheless, no matter what was going on in his head, he was disobeying (delayed obedience is disobedience) and he was questioning my husband’s authority to tell him what to let go of the stick.
But it’s easy for parents to get caught up in the “why.” We always want to answer their questions and encourage their curiosity. And we may tell ourselves that they really do want to know the answer to their question.
So how do we handle this? Answer them AFTER they obey. If they truly are curious, they’ll still ask the question after they obey. If they don’t ask the question after they obey, then you know that they are questioning your authority. They are only asking “why” to get you to change your mind.
When my kids do ask “why” before obeying, I will simply say “yes, mommy” with an expectant tone, letting them know that the only acceptable response at that moment is “yes, mommy” and obedience.
How long is your leash?
As wrong as it seems to compare our children to dogs, I see so many parallels. Children need to be trained just as much as dogs do. And we can compare the freedom we give our children to the leash we use with dogs. Yes, I mean leash in the figurative sense. The thought of putting my child 0n a leash brings up so many images, including a hilarious episode of Modern Family. But think of the leash as a measure of your child’s freedoms.
When my kids are being uncharacteristically disobedient, I tell them and my husband that they are going to be on a short leash. This is my short way of saying that I will:
- Limit their choices
- Make most of their decisions for them
- Require that they hold my hand everywhere we go
- Call their names and require a “yes, mommy” and eye contact at every turn
- Require that they ask permission for almost everything
- Give no leniency when they act up
They don’t need to be on a short leash for long. It works very well in reigning in their behavior. They quickly go back to the obedient kids they are. As with most everything in parenting, they will be as obedient as I expect them to be. If I actively train (or retrain) them, they will be obedient. If I slack off, they will too.
In addition to keeping our children on a short leash, we also need to recognize when to lengthen their leash. When our kids are characteristically obedient, they have earned the freedom to be on a long leash. They are kids, so they can’t be free of the leash completely, but the leash can be long. If we give the freedom and flexibility to explore their world–with the trust that they will treat it well–we can give them that freedom.
He should know better
Do you ever get tired of repeating yourself? Do you ask yourself and your child whether he should know better by now? It’s important to realize that we have a very different perspective on life than our children do. We may have heard ourselves say “don’t jump on the bed” 200 times, but your child may honestly think he’s never heard you say that before.
When was your first memory? I only have a few vague memories from before the age of 5. And true, short-term memory is much different from long-term memory. But can we really expect our 4-year-olds to remember what we said two weeks ago? If it’s a regular issue, sure, we might expect them to remember. But if it’s an issue that only comes up every now and then, they may honestly not remember your rule.
If there’s any doubt, better to treat it as childishness than foolishness. Don’t assume your child knows better and is willingly disobeying you. There’s nothing more frustrating to a child than being held accountable for a rule that he has no memory of.
Perhaps the biggest lesson to be learned from this is that we must always see ourselves as our children’s teachers. Whether it’s an innocent situation of how to behave in front of people they’ve never met or how to behave on a daily trip to the grocery store, we must teach them what we expect. This is particularly true when we discipline our kids. No discipline will be effective if it isn’t followed by teaching.
The Ezzos say it best:
“One of the most basic goals of any correction is that it should promote learning and understanding. Correction requires explanation. Without the why (explanation) of wrong there is no correction, just a random redirection of behavior. Whether a child’s actions are innocent mistakes or malicious disobedience, explanatory teaching will always be necessary. The parent’s job is to give verbal explanation that moves the child from what he did this time to what he should do next time. Whatever the wrong behavior, use it to impart knowledge. If you complete your talk and learning didn’t take place, correction didn’t happen,” (Growing Kids God’s Way, p. 159).
No matter the situation, we should always consider whether the child really knew better. And whether he did or not, we can never stop teaching.
Do you unknowingly negotiate?
Do you ever negotiate with your kids? Do you let them engage you in a negotiation conversation? We all know that negotiating with our kids is wrong, right? Parenting is not a democracy. Our kids’ votes do not hold equal weight with ours. But sometimes, it’s easy to get wrapped up in conversations that are thinly veiled negotiations.
Just recently, I noticed my husband getting caught up in a negotiation with our oldest. We’re weaning William off melatonin (which he needed for a while as a result of his sensory processing issues), and he’s been getting out of bed, impatient that he’s not falling asleep. I sympathize with the child since it can be hard to break an old habit. Honestly, it’s gotten to the point where the melatonin had greater psychological effects than anything else. Anyway, my husband brought William upstairs to put him back in bed, and I noticed that he got into a fairly long and involved conversation with William about it all.
My kids know they are not to get out of bed after we say good night. It’s never been much of an issue with William because the melatonin always put him to sleep right away. But still, he’s 8 now, and should know better. Nonetheless, my husband quickly got wrapped up in William’s pleading and complaining. It became a bit of a negotiation with William wanting to stay up late.
I take a very firm stance when my kids attempt to negotiate with me. I end the conversation before it even starts. If it were me, I would have said, “Good night, William,” in my I’m-done-with-this-conversation voice and closed his door.
Scenarios like this aren’t your typical negotiation attempts. When I think about negotiation, it’s the child trying to get 4 cookies instead of 2, and you agree to a compromise of 3. But with both scenarios, the parent is accepting something other than the original instruction.
After offering a scenario about a child wanting to play with his trucks during lunch, the Ezzos say:
“The issue is not whether playing with a truck at lunch is right or wrong, but whether his mom is characterized by always negotiating something less than her original instructions. When parents become characterized by continually accepting a negotiated compromise, they undermine their attempts to bring their child to first-time obedience. If all is negotiable, then no instruction is absolute. When we negotiate the standard in the heat of battle, there is no true surrender, only an agreed upon suspension of conflict. Without a complete surrender, there will always be a member ready to wage war,” (Growing Kids God’s Way, p. 125).
That’s huge! Most of us know that negotiating with our kids is wrong, but have you ever stopped to think why? To think that it could completely undermine all of our hard work in first-time obedience makes the issue all the more important. If you’ve read my eBook, you know that saying what you mean and meaning what you say are crucial in setting the stage for first-time obedience. No child is going to obey you the first time if he can quickly and easily change your mind.
So stick to your guns and don’t let him negotiate with you! And be on the lookout for those conversations that seem like innocent conversations but are really negotiation attempts!
Obedience and respect require training
We all know that, as parents, we take on a position of authority with our children. This idea is very natural to most of us. But understand that obedience and respect for authority do not come naturally to our children.
In Growing Kids God’s Way, the Ezzos say:
“Your children will not automatically obey, respect, or honor you. These activities run contrary to their natures. They must receive training and guidance from you,” (Growing Kids God’s Way, p. 93).
When our kids hit about age 18 months, they begin to assert some independence. It is in their nature to follow their own free will. They want to do what they want to do. It’s not easy–for anybody–to submit to another person’s will. It goes against our nature.
But for us to accomplish anything with our children, we must teach them to obey and to respect our authority. This goes for everything from staying in bed after bedtime to teaching important moral qualities. In fact, having our children obey us is the first step in teaching them to show respect for others.
“Teaching children to respect and honor their parents is basic to teaching them how to show respect for others. It starts with the parents….There is something special about the role you serve as a parent. For that reason, we give this warning. Do not allow your children to mock your position as their guardian by their impulsive thoughts, words, and deeds,” (Growing Kids God’s Way, p. 92-93).
It takes real work to teach our children to obey and to respect our authority, but without it, we are left with very little. As parents, we are tasked with training our kids to be good people. That requires serious moral training. If they do nothing but ignore or mock us, none of this important training will happen. There are too many selfish, disrespectful kids (and adults!) who feel a sense of entitlement and that others are there to serve them.
If you want to raise a child who is selfless and thinks of others before he thinks of himself, start with obedience training. If you see any signs of disrespect, nip it in the bud. It’s when our children are little that this important work needs to happen.
And I cannot end this post without mentioning my eBook, Live in Harmony with First-Time Obedience. Teaching our children to respond with a “yes, mommy” when we call their names is the first step to instilling kindness and selflessness in our children. Teach them that they cannot do simply as they please. Teach them that by obeying you, they are learning to show respect and kindness for everyone in their lives.