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Discipline is heart training
Did you know that the root of the word “discipline” has nothing to do with punishment? We often think of discipline as punishment, as a way to correct our kids’ misdeeds. Such discipline isn’t necessarily a bad thing. We parents just need to understand that there’s much more to discipline than punishment.
The Ezzos explain it this way:
“Today, we define discipline as punishment. But discipline in its truest sense refers to one thing: training. Heart training. … The word discipline comes from the same Latin root (discipulus) as ‘disciple’ — one who is a learner. Parents are the teachers, children are the disciples,” (On Becoming Childwise, p. 114).
As we correct our children, we must ensure that teaching is our goal. If the child doesn’t learn from his mistakes, you will be correcting for the same misdeeds over and over. And more than correcting specific behaviors, we need to make sure our kids understand the effects that their behaviors have on others.
“Discipline — heart training — is best accomplished by parenting from the first principle. Values-based discipline urges children to treat other people the way they want to be treated. Neither child-centered nor authoritarian parenting styles emphasize personal responsibility, inner growth, self-control, and other virtues the way first principle parenting does. We have found that if parents shape their child’s heart and character, they will not have to concentrate as much on reshaping the child’s outward behavior,” (On Becoming Childwise, p. 115).
Recently, I’ve been teaching my kids that making somebody wait is rude. It’s another way that they are showing disrespect for others. This usually comes up when we’re getting into the car. William will have his nose in his book and take his sweet time buckling his carseat. Lucas, will sit in his seat and will immediately reach for a book or toy, which usually gets in the way as we attempt to buckle him up.
In the past, I’ve simply said “hurry up” or “put the book down.” But it’s never been a big enough issue for me to deal with it head on. That is, until I recently realized that they are making me wait and that it’s simply rude.
So as you discipline your children (through a timeout or a benign verbal correction), keep heart training in mind. Explain to them why you are correcting them and be sure to emphasize the morals that stand behind your correction.
Sometimes it’s better left unsaid
Do you have a child who easily tunes you out? Do you feel like all you do is repeat yourself? Do your words get the behavior and attitude that you want from your child?
Sometimes, it’s better if we keep our mouths shut. It’s so cliche, but actions do speak louder than words. There are several scenarios where staying quiet has more power:
- Your child suddenly whacks his baby sister in the head. He knows better; you don’t need to remind him.
- The child throws a toy across the room in a fit of rage. Quickly carrying him by the hand to his room for a timeout will speak volumes.
- You tell him to wash his hands for dinner, and he turns around and screams “no!” in your face. There should be no question in anybody’s mind whether this is acceptable.
Imagine your toddler throws a fit in public. You might be tempted to give him a piece of your mind. Or you might want to ask the people nearby whose kid this is. It can be tempting to publicly admonish our kids because we want other people to know that we don’t let tantrums go unaddressed. But really, does the grocery store checker care how you parent your child? Probably not. And it’s bad enough that the people around you have to hear your screaming child. Do they really need to listen to your threats and demands?
Besides, our discipline is often much more effective when we don’t say a word. When he’s throwing a fit in public, simply take him by the hand, hold it firmly, and walk quickly out of the store. He’ll get the hint. Take him home, put him on his bed for a timeout, and then when he’s calm you can start talking. The other benefit of keeping quiet is that it keeps you from flying off the handle and threatening consequences that you eventually regret.
It’s also important to keep quiet when you’re about to hand over a logical consequence. If the child knows his behavior is wrong, don’t warn him. Don’t give him the option of choosing the consequence over obeying. React calmly and swiftly and he’ll be all the more respectful of your authority. And if your child is in the middle of a tantrum, it’s especially important to keep quiet about consequences. Threatening consequences to a kicking, screaming child will not get him to settle down. It will only make him more mad.
So the next time your child frustrates, angers or embarrasses you, think twice before saying a word. If your child thinks you’re all talk and no action, the reversal of your ways will surprise him (in a good way).
A tiny gripe: natural and logical consequences are not the same
Can I clarify something? I often see people misusing the term “natural consequences.” The grammar snob in me cannot let this go. Natural consequences and logical consequences are two very different things. Both forms of consequences happen as a direct result of the child’s actions. But how they happen is very different.
Here’s the difference: Natural consequences are imposed by someone or something other than the parent. Logical consequences are imposed by the parent or other authority figure (like a teacher).
Here are a few examples of logical consequences:
- The child whines when you say it’s time to turn off the TV, so you take away his TV privileges for 2 days.
- The child doesn’t eat his veggies at dinner, so you don’t allow dessert.
- The child refuses to clean up, so you take his toys away.
Now, here are a few examples of natural consequences:
- The child runs downhill on a slippery surface and falls and hurts himself.
- The child pulls a cat’s tail, and the cat scratches him.
- The child mistreats a friend and loses the friend.
- The child chooses not to eat dinner and is starving in the morning.
Do you see the difference? You have no involvement in natural consequences. And you know what? Natural consequences are so much more powerful because they come from someone other than mom. Funny how our kids are so willing to listen to somebody or something other than us. So whenever your child is approaching a situation that may end in a natural consequence, give him fair warning, but let it happen. He’ll be much more likely to learn from it.
Have them ask for forgiveness
Have you taught your kids the difference between saying “I’m sorry” and asking for forgiveness? After every timeout (or other correction), I require my kids to apologize to me and to seek forgiveness from the person they hurt (physically or otherwise).
When all we require of our children is a simple “I’m sorry” or worse “sorry,” we end up with a child who shows little repentance for their actions. The attitude with which they utter “sorry” tells a lot, too. Some kids say it under their breath, use a whining voice, or say it indignantly. I remember watching Supernanny and seeing kids (who were chased around for hours on end for a timeout) say “sorry” with zero conviction or repentance in their hearts. They apologized because it meant the end of the timeout. And these parents (and Supernanny) accepted their “sorry” no matter what attitude was behind it.
Don’t fall into this trap. Make sure you get a heart-felt apology from your child. There are a couple ways to do this. First, require that they use an appropriate tone of voice and that they explicitly say what they are sorry for. With my kids, I never let them say just “I’m sorry.” At minimum, they are required to say, “I’m sorry for hurting my brother,” or whatever it is that they’re being corrected for. And if I don’t like their attitude, I’ll have them stay in timeout longer or I’ll have them repeat the apology with sincerity.
The second way to ensure a heart-felt apology is to have them ask for forgiveness. When my kids are being corrected for hurting each other, I require that they ask the other for forgiveness. It makes them very uncomfortable but in a good way. It makes them accountable to the person they hurt, and it gives all of the power to the person who was hurt. The child who is being corrected has to give up control over the situation.
The Ezzos explain it well:
“Why is this forgiveness thing so powerful? Simply, it gets to the heart of the matter. Our hearts. When you say ‘I’m sorry,’ you’re in control of that moment. You control the depth and sincerity of your sorrow. But when you seek forgiveness, the one you’re humbling yourself before is in control. You’re asking something of that person that you cannot get without his or her consent–forgiveness. It is this humbling effect that so wonderfully curbs a child’s (and a parent’s) appetite for going back and doing the same wrong thing again,” (On Becoming Childwise, p. 139).
When my husband and I took the Growing Kids God’s Way class, we were encouraged to have the boys ask for forgiveness from us when they hurt each other. When William hurt his little brother (Lucas was a baby at the time), it wasn’t just their relationship with each other that was called into question. William was hurting my baby, so he was required to ask for forgiveness from me.
How do you handle apologies in your home? Try having them ask for forgiveness (even with you, or especially with you) and let me know if it makes a difference in achieving a humble spirit.
Simple logical consequences
Last week, I wrote about some of the more extreme logical consequences I’ve heard about. I thought I would present an alternate view and talk about some of the more simple logical consequences that have proven to be highly effective with my kids.
My friend Manda commented on last week’s post, saying how the Ezzos’ approach to the funnel gives us a very simple, common sense approach to logical consequences. There are some parenting experts, like the authors of Love & Logic, who make us think that we have to get creative with logical consequences for them to be memorable. But some of the more simple consequences are more effective because they relate to the issue at hand. As Manda said, if you can’t handle a freedom, you lose that freedom.
I could not agree more. There are times that I worry that I rely too much on timeout as a consequence, but I always come back to the idea that a timeout is very much a logical consequence. Typically, I issue timeouts because my kids are doing something that isn’t appropriate around other people. Being isolated in their rooms is very much a logical consequence. You can’t behave appropriately around other people, you can’t be around other people. So simple!
Here are some other very simple, yet very effective, logical consequences that I’ve used:
- Problem: Acting bossy toward your sibling.
- Consequence: You lose the freedom of playing with your sibling. If you have a bad attitude with everyone, you go to your room (losing the freedom to be around anyone).
- Problem: Speaking disrespectfully toward mom or dad.
- Consequence: You lose the freedom to speak. I first learned about this idea from the Mom’s Notes, and I use it all the time. My kids don’t often speak disrespectfully, but I’ll use it when they’re too loud in the car, experimenting with potty language, etc. It’s very effective. Of course, it requires a healthy dose of first-time obedience to get them to not speak.
- Problem: Whining during a game of catch.
- Consequence: The game is over. My kids get frustrated if they can’t catch or throw the ball as well as they’d like, but when the frustration turns into whining, the game is over. We’ll try again when they’re ready to play without complaining.
Ultimately, the point of this post is to say that you don’t need to get creative or crazy with logical consequences. The point is that logical consequences are logical, which means that they relate very simply to the problem at hand. And because they relate to the matter at hand, they work!
What are some of the simple logical consequences you’ve used? Are they just as effective as some of the more creative consequences you’ve used?
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What do you think about extreme consequences?
I’m trying to come to terms with some of the logical consequences recommended by other parenting books. We took a Love & Logic class when my oldest was still a toddler and it just rubbed me the wrong way. I thought parts of it were good, but mostly, the logical consequences were too extreme. Couple that with a stance that the consequence, not the parent, does the teaching, and I left feeling confused.
I remember one of the suggestions in the class was in response to two quarreling siblings in the car. Their idea was to plan ahead of time to have a friend drive her car near where you are driving yours. Then you kick the child out of the car and let him walk home with the friend driving secretly behind. Crazy! I would never do that to my child. We have our struggles in the car, but this “consequence,” if you can call it that, would leave him emotionally scarred for life! He would hate and mistrust me for it and I would hate and mistrust myself for it.
Along the same lines, I have the book Creative Correction written by Lisa Welchel (of Facts of Life fame). The book is chock-full of logical consequences, so it’s always a good resource when we’re stuck in the timeout rut. But some of her suggestions are just crazy. Here’s an example:
“If you have a son who insists on getting physical to solve disputes, buy him a pair of boxing gloves. The next time things begin to ‘come to blows,’ pull out the gloves and put them on the boy. Don’t allow him to take them off for the rest of the day. This makes simple tasks like eating dinner, brushing one’s teeth, and putting on pajamas rather difficult. You can even cook popcorn for an after-dinner snack. (Be sure to pull out the video camera!)” (Creative Corrections, p. 212).
I like that she’s creative with her consequences, but this is too much. It’s not as bad as the Love and Logic one, but it’s not great. What happens when the child has to go to the bathroom? Does mom “give in” and take the gloves off or does she make him hold it all day? And what do you do about the blood sugar lows that come from a child who can’t eat his food very well? That would create behavior problems worse than the one you’re trying to correct.
To give the author credit, I’ll also offer a reasonable consequence, from the very same page:
“One rule around our house is that you can’t play with friends if you are treating them better than your own family. If one child has a friend over, she is not necessarily required to include her sibling in everything–but she must be kind. If common courtesy is not extended, her friend has to go home,” (Creative Correction, p. 212).
I like this consequence, not for the part about the friend going home, but for the part that there is a rule about how the children are to behave when friends come over.
This gets to the crux of my issue with extreme consequences, or any logical consequence for that matter. I think any parent who uses logical consequences has to see themselves as their child’s teacher. They cannot allow the consequence alone to do the teaching. This is the main reason why I don’t like Love & Logic. At every turn, the Ezzos teach us that we are our children’s teachers.
What’s more, extreme consequences–like leaving a child on the side of the road or having a child wear boxing gloves all day–teach the child that mom is just nuts! The child would remember the scenario, whatever emotional difficulties that came with it, and the impression that his mom was temporarily crazy. Would he remember the actual lesson that the parent was trying to teach? I doubt it. To go to such an extreme and risk emotionally damaging my children for a lesson that may not even happen anyway is just beyond me.
Oh, and Welchel’s solution to siblings fighting in the car? Buy them separate DVD players and let them watch movies in the car. It’s hard to imagine that a parenting “expert” is encouraging us to use TV as a behavior management tool. We limit our kids’ screen time and only use TV in the car for super-long road trips, so this just wouldn’t work for us.
What do you think about extreme consequences? Feel free to disagree with me! Are there any extreme consequences that you’ve used and that have worked? Did they teach the lesson you were going for? What’s the most extreme consequence you’ve heard of?
Know when to walk away
It’s so important for parents to take responsibility for the teaching and training we do for our children. When something goes awry, we need to look to ourselves first and realize that our children look to us to learn how to exist in this world. Whether we teach through direct instruction or lead by example, teaching our children is so important.
On the flip side of this is recognizing the importance of knowing when to walk away. At some point in our children’s lives–whether it’s when they start kindergarten or leave for college–they need to take ownership of their own actions. We know we have done our job when our children can walk away from us confidently, knowing how to behave (and believe) in certain situations.
Even when our children are little, we need to train ourselves to recognize when to teach and when to walk away. This idea comes to light in On Becoming Childwise when they discuss allowing our children to surrender with dignity. Essentially, we need to give our children an instruction and walk away with the confidence or expectation that they will follow through. Standing over the child while expecting him to disobey will not produce an obedient heart. If you expect them to disobey, they will. By the same token, if you expect them to obey, they will.
This plays out very clearly in daily life. When you train your child to stay in his room for roomtime, you take the time to explain what is expected of him–and why you expect those behaviors–and then you walk away. You walk away expecting that he will stay in his room. The same plays out when expecting a child to complete a chore. Walk away. But then also have a plan B for when the child doesn’t comply. The Ezzos tells us our children won’t be obedient 100% of the time, so we need to have a plan for how to deal with the child when they choose to disobey.
Just yesterday, I sent William, my 7-year-old, into the laundry room to put a load into the dryer. I told him exactly what I needed him to do, and I didn’t even follow him into the laundry room. I expected that he was old enough to understand my instructions and follow through with the care and determination that I would expect. Well, wouldn’t you know it, he ended up putting half of the load in the dryer, and then proceeded to throw the clothes around the room with his brother. They were playing some silly game with each other with the clothes. Plan A worked fine…until it didn’t. As soon as I heard the silliness, they were both sent to sit on their beds.
But at no point in the process did I stand over my child to ensure he completed the task. I allowed him to surrender with dignity, and then when he chose not to obey, I exerted my authority and sent him to his room. And even when sending both boys (now 4 and 7) to their rooms, at no point did I even have to follow them upstairs or make sure they sat on their beds. They have a healthy respect for my authority now that they will go up and sit very willingly (even though they hate it). From the very start of the whole episode, I gave a verbal instruction and never felt the need to watch over them. In fact, I think I stayed sitting in my chair the whole time.
The lesson to be learned from all of this is that we parents need to draw a line in the sand. There are times–especially when they’re toddler or preschool aged–when we need to stand over them and make sure they follow our instructions. And then there are times when we simply expect them to obey and have a plan for when they don’t. There’s nothing more suffocating to a child than a parent who stands over them with a critical eye. If the child is characterized by being 90% obedient, you should walk away 90% of the time. If he’s obedient 60% of the time, walk away 60% of the time.
And yes, our children will disobey. But we need to give them the freedom to disobey by their own free will so they will be able to learn from the experience. We all learn from our mistakes, don’t we? Let’s give our children the same courtesy.
Childishness vs. defiance
When your child misbehaves, does he do it out of willful defiance? Or is it that he just doesn’t know any better? The Ezzos make the distinction between childishness and defiance in the chapter titled “Five Laws of Correction” in On Becoming Childwise.
“If parenting were all about drawing lines, we would quickly run out of chalk. Fortunately, a thick black line has already been drawn for us in permanent ink. It marks the border between two totally separate realms of behavior. On one side is the land of Childish Mistakes. On the other is the land of Defiant Misdeeds…. The first speaks of rebellious acts, the second speaks of acts committed with malicious intent. Both require correction, but of different kinds,” (On Becoming Childwise, p. 131).
Understanding the difference between the childishness and defiance makes perfect sense when you’re reading a book (or a blog). But when you’re in the throes of parenting a young child, it can be easy to forget that sometimes they just don’t know any better. We often think that they should already know better. But we need to ask ourselves whether we’ve really taken the time to teach the child in whatever behavior it is that we expect.
And we can’t expect that a lesson in one area will carry over to another. Kids are so black and white and don’t always make the connections that we adults do. Maybe you’ve told the child that he must stay in his chair while eating lunch, but will he know that the rule also applies to breakfast and dinner? Or maybe you’ve taught your older child never to walk on the carpet with his shoes on, and just assumed that your younger child learned through osmosis.
So much about parenting involves teaching our children. It applies just as much to behavior issues as it does to moral ones.
The next time you’re frustrated with your child and ready to correct him, stop yourself and make sure that it is an act of willful defiance and not just childishness. This should help you remember:
“Childishness is usually a head problem–a lack of knowledge. Defiance is usually a heart problem–the child does not what to do right,” (On Becoming Childwise, p. 133).
If you tend toward leniency, the above quote will help you as well. If you’re faced with defiance and try to make excuses for the child, thinking he doesn’t know any better, think about the child’s motive behind his actions.
“When instructions have been given and received about something, there is little room for ‘innocent mistakes’ regarding that behavior. If the wrong thing is intentionally done, it’s disobedience–outright defiance–pure and simple,” (On Becoming Childwise, p. 133).
This is where getting your “yes, mommy” and eye contact play a huge role. When the child is looking you in the eye and has acknowledged you with a verbal response, you have little doubt that he heard your instruction. If he fails to comply, he’s being defiant.
If you are new to my blog and the idea of “yes, mommy” and eye contact, read more at those links. You might also benefit from reading my eBook, Live in Harmony with First-Time Obedience, which lays out how to use these tools to get your child to obey immediately and consistently.
Why exactly is consistency so important?
We’ve all heard how important it is to be consistent with our children. I’ve mentioned it countless times on this blog. The Ezzos emphasize it, as do authors of other parenting books. But why exactly is consistency so important?
If you’ve been a parent for any length of time, you know that it’s not easy to be consistent. We live our lives and some days we are more on top of our game than others. Some days we’re in a mood to be the best parent we can be, and other days, we’re just tired. For most of us, our level of consistency varies based on our mood.
But that’s exactly what makes it difficult for our children. Why should they have to calculate our moods, the weather and many other factors when determining whether to obey?
It’s very simple: Inconsistency confuses our children.
It’s natural that children will try to assert as much independence as possible. They will push every limit to see how far they can get. They know that different parents, grandparents and other caregivers set different limits. They are very quick to figure it all out. They are also very quick to recognize when we’re being inconsistent.
I had an episode of this just today with Lucas. We were on a walk, and I always require that he hold my hand while crossing the street. Well, I wasn’t consistent in requiring it today. He’s starting to show that he’s responsible enough to not hold my hand. And when we were walking on sleepy residential roads, I tended to let it go. But when we got to a bigger road with more cars, I required that he hold my hand. He was defiant, pure and simple. He ran away from me to avoid holding my hand.
I realize that I was the cause of his defiance. I should have required that he hold my hand on every road, or at least explained to him the difference between the roads. In his mind, I was just changing the rules as we went. His confusion led to defiance.
Given that consistency is so important, yet so difficult for parents, what can we do to make it easier? Some ideas:
- Create a list of house rules
- Write them down and post them in a prominent place in your home
- Ensure your spouse and other caregivers agree with those rules
- Get them to commit to helping you follow through on those rules
- Explain your rules to your children
- Evaluate your rules regularly as your child ages and shows more responsibility (Perhaps Lucas is responsible enough now to not hold my hand.)
- Create a list of rules for situations when you’re out in public
- Keep that list somewhere handy (like on your smart phone)
- Start your day vowing to be consistent
- Establish a signal that you and your spouse can share when you see you’re not being consistent. For example, if he sees inconsistency in you, he can tug on his ear.
- Be on the lookout for episodes of defiance caused by inconsistency (like Lucas’ defiance on our walk). See those episodes as an affirmation for consistency.
- Work on your authority and avoid child-centered parenting, so your child knows he doesn’t make the rules
Do you find it difficult to be consistent? Have you established any tips or tricks to make it easier?
Correction must promote learning
Have you ever sent your child to a timeout only for him to come right out and repeat the behavior? Have you ever felt like every time you take a toy away, he continues to use it inappropriately? For any correction to work, you must ensure your child is learning from the experience.
This is Childwise Principle #10: “If learning didn’t take place, correction didn’t happen.”
Understand the difference between discipline and punishment. The true intent behind discipline is to teach. We don’t want to punish our children but discipline them.
So any correction must include a lesson. Whether it’s practical or moral, the lesson must take place.
“Correction requires explanation. Without the why of wrong there is no correction, just a random redirection of behavior. Whether a child’s actions be innocent mistakes or malicious disobedience, explanatory teaching will always be necessary,” (On Becoming Childwise, p. 133-134.)
Always teach appropriate behaviors
While you take the time to teach after you correct your child, make sure you include a lesson on the type of behavior you do expect. Don’t simply focus on the negative. Say your child is hoarding toys during a play date with a friend. You may choose to send him to sit on his bed, particularly if the hoarding is accompanied by a nasty attitude.
After the timeout (and after he has apologized to you), use the quiet moment and his attitude of submission to teach appropriate behaviors. Take the time to explain that he must not only not hoard toys, but that he must share with his friends. Selfishly hoarding toys is the negative behavior; sharing is the positive.
Also teach the moral reason behind the behavior you expect. Tell him why you expect him to share and how it makes his friends feel when he doesn’t share.
In sum, after every correction, take the time to teach the child to avoid the negative behavior, explain the positive behavior, and include the moral reasoning behind it all.
“The parent’s job is to move the child from what he did this time to what he should do next time. Whatever the wrong, use it to impart knowledge. If you complete your talk and learning didn’t take place, correction didn’t happen,” (On Becoming Childwise, p. 134).