Why exactly is consistency so important?

April 23, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Source: guardian.co.uk

We’ve all heard how important it is to be consistent with our children. I’ve mentioned it countless times on this blog. The Ezzos emphasize it, as do authors of other parenting books. But why exactly is consistency so important?

If you’ve been a parent for any length of time, you know that it’s not easy to be consistent. We live our lives and some days we are more on top of our game than others. Some days we’re in a mood to be the best parent we can be, and other days, we’re just tired. For most of us, our level of consistency varies based on our mood.

But that’s exactly what makes it difficult for our children. Why should they have to calculate our moods, the weather and many other factors when determining whether to obey?

It’s very simple: Inconsistency confuses our children.

It’s natural that children will try to assert as much independence as possible. They will push every limit to see how far they can get. They know that different parents, grandparents and other caregivers set different limits. They are very quick to figure it all out. They are also very quick to recognize when we’re being inconsistent.

I had an episode of this just today with Lucas. We were on a walk, and I always require that he hold my hand while crossing the street. Well, I wasn’t consistent in requiring it today. He’s starting to show that he’s responsible enough to not hold my hand. And when we were walking on sleepy residential roads, I tended to let it go. But when we got to a bigger road with more cars, I required that he hold my hand. He was defiant, pure and simple. He ran away from me to avoid holding my hand.

I realize that I was the cause of his defiance. I should have required that he hold my hand on every road, or at least explained to him the difference between the roads. In his mind, I was just changing the rules as we went. His confusion led to defiance.

Given that consistency is so important, yet so difficult for parents, what can we do to make it easier? Some ideas:

  • Create a list of house rules
  • Write them down and post them in a prominent place in your home
  • Ensure your spouse and other caregivers agree with those rules
  • Get them to commit to helping you follow through on those rules
  • Explain your rules to your children
  • Evaluate your rules regularly as your child ages and shows more responsibility (Perhaps Lucas is responsible enough now to not hold my hand.)
  • Create a list of rules for situations when you’re out in public
  • Keep that list somewhere handy (like on your smart phone)
  • Start your day vowing to be consistent
  • Establish a signal that you and your spouse can share when you see you’re not being consistent. For example, if he sees inconsistency in you, he can tug on his ear.
  • Be on the lookout for episodes of defiance caused by inconsistency (like Lucas’ defiance on our walk). See those episodes as an affirmation for consistency.
  • Work on your authority and avoid child-centered parenting, so your child knows he doesn’t make the rules

Do you find it difficult to be consistent? Have you established any tips or tricks to make it easier?

Filed Under: discipline Tagged With: ,

Correction must promote learning

March 7, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Source: parentdish.co.uk

Have you ever sent your child to a timeout only for him to come right out and repeat the behavior? Have you ever felt like every time you take a toy away, he continues to use it inappropriately? For any correction to work, you must ensure your child is learning from the experience.

This is Childwise Principle #10: “If learning didn’t take place, correction didn’t happen.”

Understand the difference between discipline and punishment. The true intent behind discipline is to teach. We don’t want to punish our children but discipline them.

So any correction must include a lesson. Whether it’s practical or moral, the lesson must take place.

“Correction requires explanation. Without the why of wrong there is no correction, just a random redirection of behavior. Whether a child’s actions be innocent mistakes or malicious disobedience, explanatory teaching will always be necessary,” (On Becoming Childwise, p. 133-134.)

Always teach appropriate behaviors
While you take the time to teach after you correct your child, make sure you include a lesson on the type of behavior you do expect. Don’t simply focus on the negative. Say your child is hoarding toys during a play date with a friend. You may choose to send him to sit on his bed, particularly if the hoarding is accompanied by a nasty attitude.

After the timeout (and after he has apologized to you), use the quiet moment and his attitude of submission to teach appropriate behaviors. Take the time to explain that he must not only not hoard toys, but that he must share with his friends. Selfishly hoarding toys is the negative behavior; sharing is the positive.

Also teach the moral reason behind the behavior you expect. Tell him why you expect him to share and how it makes his friends feel when he doesn’t share.

In sum, after every correction, take the time to teach the child to avoid the negative behavior, explain the positive behavior, and include the moral reasoning behind it all.

“The parent’s job is to move the child from what he did this time to what he should do next time. Whatever the wrong, use it to impart knowledge. If you complete your talk and learning didn’t take place, correction didn’t happen,” (On Becoming Childwise, p. 134).

Filed Under: discipline, moral training Tagged With: , ,

Find your way

January 23, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Source: misha.hubpages.com

If you have been a parent for any length of time, you have probably discovered that this little thing we call parenting is a bit of an experiment. Particularly with our eldest children, we learn by doing. Finding our way involves trial and error.

But is there a way to lessen the impact of our experimentation on our children? Yes. In fact, I recommend it. Here’s how.

Trust your instincts
As trite as this sounds, our parenting instincts do serve a purpose. If you have read a book that seems to hold great promise, but its methods sound too strict (or lenient), listen to your inner voice. Plus, you know your child best. You know what he needs and how he will respond to a particular parenting method.

Trust your intellect
There are some who believe that instincts alone are all we need to navigate this parenting journey. I disagree. This is the whole head vs. heart debate. I believe both are required. Use your intellect to read parenting books, critically evaluate those parenting books, evaluate your child’s behavior objectively, keep a log of chronic behavior problems, etc.

Assess your parenting
If we are to do our best as parents, we must assess ourselves and do so regularly. This is particularly useful if we are dealing with a chronic behavior problem like open defiance. Ask yourself (or your spouse) whether you’re being consistent enough, following through on consequences, issuing idle threats, constantly repeating yourself, etc. If you’ve given yourself a poor grade, take heart. Now you know where to start to improve.

Set goals
Most parents have an idea as to how they want their children to behave. Whether it’s a moral issue like sharing or the simple act of cleaning up toys, we know what we want from our kids. If you just have a vague notion of what you want, I recommend that you sit down and define your goals. Write them down and refer to them often. Keep in mind that they will change as your child gets older. Be intentional with your parenting.

Create a plan
As with anything in life, having a plan helps us be prepared. The same is true in parenting. Jot down your child’s most chronic behavior issues (the ones that come to mind most easily are probably your most chronic), and come up with a discipline tactic that you will use to deal with that behavior issue.

This is where trusting your instincts and intellect come into play. If you received advice from a well-meaning parent that a two-minute timeout should curb the behavior, but you think it’s too lenient, listen to your instincts. By the same token, if you read in a book that spanking is the way to go, but you (or your spouse) disagree with spanking, don’t do it. Try to work this all out before you start implementing a particular discipline method. Switching from one method to another will only confuse your child and make consistency harder to attain.

Learn more about creating a discipline plan and see what my discipline plan looks like.

Evaluate your plan
After you have started implementing your plan, take a minute to determine whether it’s working. Go back to your goals and decide how far you’ve come. Does your preschooler go right back to the misbehavior after you’ve given your consequence? If so, something’s not working. Reevaluate and change your tactics. Just don’t change things up too often; you’ll run the risk of being inconsistent and losing authority.

Create a plan on the fly
Imagine taking your toddler out to eat in a restaurant. Do you do any prep work to ensure the meal goes smoothly? Or what if you’re taking him to the grocery store? What will you do if things go sideways? It’s usually when we don’t have a plan that we get flustered and either let behaviors slide or deal with them too strictly.

As you walk into that restaurant or grocery store, think through possible scenarios. Say to yourself, Okay, if he starts bouncing in his seat, I’ll take him to the restroom for a stern talking-to. Or, If he wanders away in the grocery store, I’ll immediately put him in the cart.

If you do this preparation, you will find your way more easily, and parenting will be less experimentation and more confident, harmonious living!

Filed Under: discipline, prevention Tagged With: ,

Consider characterization

January 18, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Source: urbanlegendsonline.com

Characterization. That’s a big (difficult-to-spell) word. But it’s an important one to remember to ensure we parents don’t become too legalistic with our kids. In my last post, I talked about how sugar and food dyes can cause our children to behave in uncharacteristic ways. In that example, addressing the behavior is simple: remove the offending foods.

But when dealing with more important issues like lying, stealing and cheating, we must determine whether those behaviors are characteristic for the child. The Ezzos say it very succinctly in On Becoming Childwise:

“There is a difference between the child who habitually lies and the one who does so in a moment of weakness,” (p. 232).

When you know a child has behaved in a way that is uncharacteristic for him, you can correct with a lighter hand. By the same token, when you’re dealing with a more chronic behavior that seems to characterize the child, it’s important to have a solid approach. You would want to have a discipline plan in place and know what steps you will take to deal with the behavior.

“The child who is not characterized by lying should not receive the same punishment as the one who is. However, both children should receive an explanation of the importance of honesty, trust, and family loyalty. The consequence a parent should apply must be in light of the rarity of the offense,” (On Becoming Childwise, p. 232).

Just this morning, I realized that I can confidently say that my children are characterized by an unwillingness to clean up their toys. If it were a one-time mess, I wouldn’t worry about it so much. But since cleaning up frequently ends in a struggle, I need to have a plan.

Some of the components of this plan have nothing to do with training my children. Probably most important is the fact that we have too many toys! I need to take it upon myself to sort through them and throw away or donate many of them. While this is a daunting task (and not one that I look forward to doing), I recognize that it will have a significant impact on my boys’ willingness to clean up. More importantly, it will help them learn the value of taking care of their belongings.

And while my boys are characterized by an unwillingness to clean up now, that doesn’t mean that such a characterization will apply for any length of time. If I consistently deal with the problem, it’s likely that it won’t be a problem a week or two from now.

Wish us luck!

Filed Under: discipline, moral training Tagged With:

My favorite Ezzo-isms

January 4, 2012 By Leave a Comment

There are several sayings that get repeated throughout the Ezzo community, and for good reason. If you commit these sayings to memory, they will guide you through your parenting journey. Here are my favorites:

The child is a welcome member of the family but is not the center of it.

Read more about child-centered parenting.

Great marriages make great parents.

Let your child see that you value your marriage. Let the stability of your marriage serve as the foundation for the child and family. Learn more about the marriage priority.

Never give a command you don’t expect to be obeyed.

Read more about saying what you mean and meaning what you say.

Constantly reminding a child to do what is expected only means you have no expectation.

This is the crux of first-time obedience. Give your instruction one time! Learn more about first-time obedience in my eBook, Live in Harmony with First-Time Obedience.

Holiness is more important than happiness.

Teach the value of living with contentment. Learn more.

Obedience is only the beginning.

Parents should aim to eventually transition from leading by authority to leading by influence. At first, our children obey out of duty. Eventually, a child must exchange obedience (duty to comply) for submission (desire to comply).

 

 

Filed Under: discipline, first-time obedience, parenting philosophy Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Front-loading consequences

December 16, 2011 By 1 Comment

Source: sheknows.com

In the spirit of explaining to our children what we expect of them, it can be easy to go too far. This comes into play when we front-load consequences. It sounds like this:

  • Settle down at bedtime or you’ll lose some story time.
  • Be quiet in the car or you’ll have a timeout when we get home.
  • Speak nicely to your brother or you’ll have to do your homework in your room.

That “or else” is what gets us into trouble.

Weighing the odds
What’s wrong with warning our children of the consequence? It allows them to weigh the odds when they decide whether to obey. It makes obedience a choice.

If a child is having a particularly fun time at bedtime, he may just decide that he prefers it, even if it means losing some story time. If he’s in a particularly bad mood, he may decide that it’s worth it to be nasty to his sibling even if it means having to go to his room.

Don’t make obedience an option.

Threats
When a parent front-loads consequences, it blurs the line between explanation and threat. It’s easy to threaten our kids with a consequence if we think it will improve their behavior. But most of the time, it won’t. Threats train our kids to ignore our word.

Spontaneous consequences
Consequences given spontaneously, without warning, are most effective. When we catch our children off guard (usually when they are expecting a threat or a warning), they pay attention.

When I do this, my kids stand up straight, immediately look into my eyes, and stop whatever it is they’re doing. It’s great that I’ve gotten them to comply, but I can’t not follow through. I have to issue the consequence.

Use this for infractions that the child clearly knows are wrong. If he’s bouncing around in his chair at the table, and it’s something you’ve been working on, send him into timeout as soon as you spot the behavior. There’s no need for a warning.

If you know the child knows it’s wrong and he’s still doing it (intentional or not), he deserves a consequence.

Filed Under: discipline, first-time obedience Tagged With: ,

Keep calm during tantrums

December 2, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Source: themommytimes.com

On Monday, I explained how it’s important to address the attitude behind every tantrum that your child throws. But you must also keep your own attitude in check.

Above all else: stay calm!
If you buy into your child’s tantrum (it is an act after all) by getting angry, then he knows the tantrum has been effective. If you show any sort of emotion as a result of the tantrum, you will be rewarding the action and he will continue to throw them. Your attitude will shape everything.

Be aloof
Even if you’re seething inside, don’t let him see it. Remind yourself that the tantrum is a decision your child made and if he chooses to throw a fit, then he is choosing to be isolated. The more consistent you are, the more he will understand that this will be his consequence. Imagine yourself saying to him, “Oops, I see you’re throwing a fit. So sorry. I have to isolate you now.”

Move on
After the tantrum is over, move on. You have disciplined for it and have taught him how to express his emotions in an acceptable way. Don’t keep talking about the fit and don’t keep giving him consequences. The great thing about timeouts is that they allow us to wipe the slate clean. Give him that courtesy.

Stay positive
Don’t expect that he will throw another fit, or he will. Keep your expectations positive and express every direction with positive words. If it becomes plainly obvious that he is about to throw a fit (but hasn’t yet), you might be able to head it off at the pass with positive words. For example, if you deny his request for another book at bedtime, and he starts to get a little upset or has thrown a tantrum for this exact thing before, you might say, “I understand you love to read and I’d love to read to you all night long, but you must go to sleep. Let’s read some extra books during our daytime reading time tomorrow.

Read more about the need to stay calm here.

 

Filed Under: discipline Tagged With: ,

Rid your household of fits and tantrums

November 28, 2011 By 11 Comments

Source: www.sodahead.com

Do you have a child who seems stubborn or strong-willed? Do you have a toddler whose lack of verbal skills frustrates her? Do you have a two-year-old? We have all seen a child in the throes of a temper tantrum. Whether it involves kicking, screaming, head banging or hitting, a tantrum is easy to spot. For parents, these fits are frustrating and hugely embarrassing when we’re out in public.

Let me tell you now: you don’t have to live with tantrums. You can train your child to not throw them.

I wholeheartedly agree with the Ezzos when they say, “To say that throwing temper tantrums is a normal phase of development that children will eventually outgrow demonstrates a lack of understanding of childhood propensities,” (Growing Kids God’s Way, p. 193).

Tantrums are an expression of the child’s emotions. It’s fine that our children express themselves, but there are right ways and wrong ways. You simply should not accept a tantrum as a normal expression of emotions.

Tantrums as a form of rebellion
Whether they recognize it or not, our children throw tantrums to reject our authority.

“When a parent responds [to a tantrum], the goal should not be to suppress a child’s emotions, but to help him gain self-control in moments of disappointment and learn the proper methods of expression,” (Growing Kids God’s Way, p. 193).

If you don’t address these fits when your child is little, he will learn that it is an acceptable form of expression. As he grows, the kicking and screaming might go away, but the attitude behind the tantrum will not. There are plenty of adults in this world who throw tantrums.

How to stop the fits: every fit needs an audience
To stop tantrums in their tracks, isolate your child immediately.

“A tantrum needs an audience to be successful, and isolation removes the child from center stage,” (Growing Kids God’s Way, p. 193).

As simple as it sounds, pick up the fit-throwing child and plop him in his crib or pack-n-play. Do it the very minute the tantrum starts and do it every single time. Don’t ever let a fit slide or you will undo the work you have been doing to rid yourselves of them.

Consider strategies to make this easy on yourself. We live in a two-story house, and when we were working on tantrums, I kept a pack-n-play set up downstairs in another part of the house (behind a kitchen wall). I knew that I wouldn’t want to carry a kicking and screaming child upstairs and to his crib. I knew I would be much more consistent if I could isolate him downstairs.

But be sure that every location you set up is completely isolated from the rest of the family. If the child can still see you, he will think he still has an audience and will continue to throw the fit. If you can still hear him, ignore every sound he makes.

And while it may be tempting to simply walk away from the fit-throwing child, be careful. The child will likely follow you when he realizes you’re not there. And you need to use isolation as a form of discipline to teach him that tantrums are not acceptable.

Empathize with the emotion
After your child has calmed down, let him know that you understand why he threw the fit, no matter what the cause. In the same conversation, explain that tantrums are not an acceptable form of communication. Tell him that next time, he must use his words to tell you how he feels.

The conversation might go something like this:

You: “Sammy, I understand you are upset because I wanted you to eat your broccoli. I know not everybody likes broccoli, but it will help you stay healthy. Next time, I expect you to eat your broccoli without throwing a fit. You may tell me that you don’t like broccoli, and I will consider your thoughts, but you may not throw a fit. Do you understand?”

Sammy: “Yes, mommy. I’m sorry for throwing a fit.”

You: “I forgive you. Now go back to the table and show me how you can obey mommy by eating your broccoli nicely.”

Sammy: “Yes, mommy!”

Be sure not to skip this step when dealing with a tantrum. Every form of discipline we use must serve a lesson. So if he didn’t learn how to express his emotions in an acceptable way, the discipline won’t help. It may stop the tantrum in the short-term, but it won’t keep them from happening again in the future.

Read more about tips on timeouts and isolating your child.

Filed Under: discipline, first-time obedience Tagged With: , , ,

Count timeout minutes in public

November 25, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Source: appsfuze.com

On Monday, I discussed the importance of correcting in private and praising in public. On Wednesday, I explained how to do timeouts in public when necessary. Today, I will offer a technique that will enable you to discipline your child in public while still maintaining privacy. This technique is also more effective and long-lasting than issuing a timeout in public.

Count timeout minutes

Here’s how it works. When you’re out in public and doing your best to praise your child’s behaviors, but he misbehaves anyway, tell him he will have two (or five) minutes on his bed when you get home. Say it quietly but confidently. Then explain to him that you will add or subtract minutes until your errand, play date, or restaurant visit is over.

I use this technique quite a bit with my boys, so here’s how it works for us:

  • William starts acting up in the grocery store, jumping from colored tile to colored tile.
  • I don’t yell at him to stop. I don’t try to grab him to get him to stop. I don’t try to call his name and get his attention (especially if it’s crowded and there’s no room to stop).
  • I simply say, “That’s two minutes on your bed.”
  • He stops what he’s doing immediately and looks to me for an explanation.
  • As we walk, I tell him that he can earn minutes back by showing me good behavior.
  • I also tell him that I will add minutes if he continues to make poor choices.

Follow through

This is where the rubber meets the road when using this technique. When you get home, you must issue the timeout! If you don’t, the technique simply won’t work. Your child won’t believe you next time and will think, Yeah, that’s just mom trying to get out of disciplining me in public. Set a timer and make sure you give your child the exact number of minutes you promised. Then follow every other rule described in this post on timeouts the Ezzo way or this one on timeout tips.

For little ones who don’t understand time

Lucas, age 4, is still young enough to not really understand the concept of time. But this technique works with him. He understands what a timeout is and knows that a longer timeout is worse than a shorter one.

If you think adding and subtracting minutes might be too abstract a concept, use something more concrete. You might make laminated cards each worth one minute and hand them to the child as he misbehaves. You might carry marbles and hand him one for each minute in timeout. Be sure to explain that these are timeout marbles and not some prized possession!

Chime in!

Do you have some inventive technique you use to discipline your child in public? If so, please share!

Filed Under: discipline Tagged With:

Timeouts in public

November 23, 2011 By 2 Comments

Source: buzzle.com

I have written several posts on how to do timeouts the Ezzo way, but it’s always tricky to discipline our kids in public. If you haven’t read those posts, please do so you understand the full intent behind timeouts and how to do them effectively. (Do a search for “timeouts” for more, click on the “timeout” tag at right, or see the related posts at the end of this post.) As with everything in Childwise parenting, every form of discipline needs to serve a purpose. We want to do more than punish our children. We discipline to teach them a lesson.

So what are we to do when we’re out in public? Having a child sit in isolation until he has a happy heart (however long that takes) just isn’t possible in public. Not disciplining at all in public isn’t an option either. Imagine the embarrassment. And we all know the pitfalls of being the yelling, threatening, repeating parent!

How to do a timeout in public

I am not the type of mom who will go to great lengths to leave my children at home when I run errands. I don’t have family nearby, my husband works long hours and has a terrible commute, and it’s just not practical to pay a sitter every time. So my kids usually go with me on errands. As you might imagine, this can create behavior problems. William, my eldest, just hates to be bored, so he will do whatever he can to interest his smarty-pants brain. Lucas, well, when he’s alone, he’s great. When he’s with his brother, forget it.

Correct in private; praise in public

In my last post, I explained the idea of doing your best to praise your child in public to prevent misbehavior. But I also explained that this isn’t always possible. What you must remember from this wonderful phrase, however, is to be as private as possible when correcting in public.

If I’m in the midst of shopping, I will find a spot for one or both kids, point to it, and quietly tell them, in my stern mommy voice, to sit. I usually look for a spot that has some sort of barrier. Against a wall or in a corner is great. A different colored spot in the tile or carpet works great. Sometimes there are open spaces on shelves right where I’m shopping. In a pinch, I have them sit right at my feet. The more private the spot, the better.

In places like Starbucks or other casual restaurants, I will find an empty chair in the corner and make them sit alone. In more formal restaurants, I will take them to the car or the restroom and have a chat with them in my stern mommy voice. The effect of me picking them up quickly and swiftly or pulling them by the hand while I walk fast will often send a shock to their little systems.

The rules

Timeouts in public have a different set of rules. At home, all you need to do is have them sit on their beds (and stay there) until the lesson has gotten through to them. In public, you must monitor their behavior (there are still people to consider around), and you don’t have the luxury of time. So in many ways, public timeout rules are more stringent.

Timeout rules for them:

  • They may not move (Those micro-rebellers love to slide out of their designated spot inch by inch. Don’t allow it!)
  • They may not speak or attempt to communicate with anyone (No humming or hand gestures!)
  • They may not make faces or even eye contact with the other brother
  • They must fold their hands and keep them folded until the timeout is over

The rules for me:

  • I do my absolute best to ignore them
  • I don’t make eye contact
  • I don’t talk to them
  • I continue with my shopping while keeping them in the corner of my eye
  • If I’m done shopping in that area, I pretend I’m still shopping

When the timeout is over, we have our usual chat where they tell me what they did wrong, apologize with a complete sentence owning up to what they did (“I’m sorry I hit my brother” not just “I’m sorry”), I will say “I forgive you,” and we move on with hugs and kisses.

The length of the timeout will vary depending on the severity of the misbehavior, and frankly, whether you have the time to put your shopping on hold. It’s always best to take the time to address a child’s misbehaviors, but sometimes life just gets in the way.

If they break any of their rules, I will up the ante. I might tell them they will have a timeout at home, I won’t let them look in the toy section of the store, or they will lose some other privilege. If all else fails, I will simply leave the store. The more immediate and dramatic the consequence, the more effective it is. If their behavior is particularly bad, I will vow to myself to tighten the reigns over the next week or two at home.

In my next post, I will offer a public timeout technique that has worked really well for my boys. It’s often more practical, effective and long-lasting than the timeout I just described. Stay tuned!

Filed Under: discipline Tagged With:
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