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Babywise Week: Baby Joins a Family
It’s Babywise Blog Network (BFBN) Week again! All week, we’ll be featuring blog posts from other Babywise-friendly blogs. The schedule is as follows:
- Monday: Valerie, Chronicles of a Babywise Mom
- Tuesday: Maureen, Childwise Chat
- Wednesday: Claire, My Devising and Elaine, Faithfully Infertile
- Thursday: Emily, Journey of Parenthood
- Friday: Rachel, A Mother Far From Home
We begin the week with a post from Valerie at Chronicles of a Babywise Mom. All week, we’re discussing the principle of child-centered parenting which is so vital to parenting the Babywise way. And although the idea is basic, there are many facets of child-centered parenting–or the lack thereof–that we should fully understand as we attempt to make our marriages the priority.
Valerie talks about the fact that the baby joins the family. Although bringing a new baby home also brings many changes, especially with our first, it doesn’t mean that we should completely change the basic structure of our families. The Ezzos have been heard to say that our children are welcome members of the family, but they are not the center of it.
I like what Valerie has to say about this:
“The point of the idea behind ‘baby joins a family’ is so people don’t become baby-centered. You don’t want to make every decision based solely on what is absolutely best for the baby. Sometimes, baby can give a little. Sometimes you can do what is good enough for the baby rather than best so that ‘best’ can go to someone else in the family for a bit. A family is about give and take. The family should not revolve around the baby–that isn’t healthy.”
Head on over to Chronicles of a Babywise Mom to read Valerie’s post in its entirety.
Creating Time
By Bethany Lynch
I think I have heard at least half a dozen moms this week talk about needing more hours in the day. I have seen posts on Facebook, heard it from coworkers, read it on blogs. None of us seems to feel “done” with everything we wanted to accomplish at the end of the day. I have blogged before about feeling accomplished, but I think the larger problem is that we try to take too much on. I have also written about changing priorities, but I get the feeling that if most of us just had another hour or two, we think we would feel accomplished and have met our priorities.
I have been really evaluating what takes up the most of my time, as well as the little things that end up sucking up almost as many minutes…or hours. My mental interest has also been focused on tips from others that I could apply to my life. Some of these require making more complicated changes but there are many relatively easy things we can do that just require a good ounce of willpower.
Here are my favorite, loved, not-so-loved, and simply fantastic ideas to create or free up more time:
Evaluate social media use
This includes all, not just the obvious time stealers, including checking email every x number of minutes or having an alert for new messages. Checking Facebook daily, let alone hourly. Posting every few pictures you take to Instagram. Staring at your phone wondering what else you can check or do for a mental break. Thinking in terms of a good Facebook status. Using your phone or iPad regularly as part of your and/or your kids’ schedule or as an expected distraction at doctor’s offices, waiting in lines, etc. If this is you, my advice is to set a daily limit of phone/computer/iPad time. Eliminate it in front of your children. Eliminate it as an automatic part of their schedule. I realize this may sound harsh, but iPad time is a rare privilege in our house…and it is an awesome motivator. Yes, there are some great educational apps, but cutting it out of your schedule…and your kids’ schedule will cut down on arguments and behavior issues almost immediately. You can also delete apps from your phone that have a website, making it harder to just pop open the app immediately. If you want to go hardcore, set a time during the day to check social media, eliminate all social media after a certain time of night, or even designate a day of the week with No Social Media Allowed.
Evaluate time commitments
This is our first season for joining a team or structured activity/sport. My son is almost 6 and just now doing soccer. By no means am I saying your child should be the same age before joining a team or taking lessons, but be very intentional about what you sign yourself and your children up to do. We have been extremely deliberate in what we add to our schedule. My daughter is almost 4, which is a very common age to start dance lessons, etc., but we are waiting until soccer is finished. I know that we will overlap activities at some point but family dinners, conversations as a family/spouse/each child are a big focus for us. We have had hilarious and important conversations in the car on the way to places/activities, but one of the best 30-60 minutes of my day is the time we average sitting on the couch or at the kitchen table talking with “near” undivided attention. Although it sounds like taking time out of your schedule to sit at the table/couch, I promise you will be enriched and more able to accomplish other things without the hustle and bustle of racing around. I am not really referring to errands, although they can take up a large portion of our time, but rather the things we purposefully add routinely to our schedule. Make sure that they are right for you right now and add value…not just because friends or neighbors are doing so.
Get up early
Okay, this is my most not-so-loved idea by far! I have such a hard time doing this…so why in the world would I say you should??! Research for physical health, mental health, spiritual health, motivation/productivity almost always recommend getting up early as the best way to stay committed and create habits. Most of the moms that get lots done and still have energy even half-way through the day are the ones that get up and exercise as well as have quiet time before anyone else gets up. I know without the hint of a shadow of a handful of doubts that this would drastically add health to my day. I do have a LONG list of excuses, uh, reasons why I do not do this…but simply put, this is one of the easiest things I could do to add time to my day and feel better for it. Ironically, it works best if you go to bed 30-60 minutes earlier. We insist we don’t have the time to do that but really you (we) would wake up feeling more refreshed and most likely get mounds more accomplished.
Pray/meditate
How in the world does this give you more time? Every.single.time I feel overwhelmed as if I cannot accomplish hardly anything it is because I am neglecting my time alone with God. I do not think this means you have to be a Christian or even a “spiritual person.” My bet is still that you are so busy focusing on everyone else that you have lost sight of what is truly most important and for me that is my relationship with the Lord. For you, it could just be alone time, or yoga, or down time with music. What helps you focus and feel refreshed and balance? Again, it might seem counter-intuitive to take time away from other things and spend it on your emotional/spiritual health, but I guarantee you will feel balance and subsequently more quality time for other things.
Ask for help
I also have a million excuses for why I cannot always do this. They might not do it my way, they are busy too, they will think I am not as productive, it takes too much time to ask. The end result: I stay stressed and without time to get everything done when, in reality, there are probably a handful of people that would be more than happy to help. I get frustrated my husband doesn’t see how much I have to do and jump in, but I have realized that, most of the time, he simply just needs a polite request. So do not be afraid to ask and especially not afraid to take people up on offers to help. If you are at all like me, you are probably making it harder to ask than for the other person to help. Many times people just need to know what would be most helpful.
Ask yourself how important it is
This can be applied to many areas of life, but as far as time management, decide if what you are doing or feel obligated to do is really all that important. Sometimes it is. Many times it is really not anything that adds value or worth to our day/life. I try to do this any time I am starting to feel like I have too much on my plate. I often find that I am elevating the importance level of most things and in actuality can reduce or eliminate many of the things that are occupying my times.
Meal plan
I am not great at it, but when I put a little it of time into it I find myself much more productive overall. It might take a little bit of time to plan to find recipes that work for you and figure out the best way/time for you to grocery shop, but somehow I end up with a lot more free time than when I am scattered and throwing last minute meals together. It may take a smaller quantity of time to physically prepare a quick meal, but the quality of your time and meals will be greater with a little attention to detail. Voila Pinterest!
Ask for advice
Sometimes I am just in a rut and feel like all of my time is being sucked up no matter what I do! This makes for great lunch conversations or coffee house meet-up. Be cautious not to vent! Not much will be solved by commiserating about what does not work or how much you have on your plate, but ask other moms what works for them to stay on top of laundry, how they find time to plan “real food” style meals, or how they decide which activities to choose. You may decide their ideas will not work for you but it might also give you some fresh ideas…as well as give them some fresh ideas of things you do well. Which leads me to my last question….what ideas do you have for creating or freeing up time? I would love to hear what works for you!!
Bethany is a full-time working outside-the-home mom to two children, ages 5 and 3. She blogs at The Graceful Mom to inspire and encourage other moms with work commitments.
Parenting Inside the Funnel
By Emily Parker at The Journey Of Parenthood
My biggest struggle so far as a parent is resisting the tendency to parent outside the funnel with my children. Toddlerwise reiterates the importance of avoiding this on page 36: “By ‘outside the funnel’ we are referring to those times when parents allow behaviors that are neither age-appropriate nor in harmony with a child’s moral and intellectual capabilities. To allow a 15-month-old child freedoms appropriate for a 2-year-old, or a 2-year-old child freedoms suitable for his 5-year-old sister, is to parent outside the funnel. Such freedoms do not facilitate healthy learning patterns – they only contribute to confusion.”
When Kye, my now four-year-old son, was my only child I didn’t struggle as much with this issue. The only time I really found myself parenting outside of the funnel was when he first developed the ability to use language. As he was more and more able to express his wants and desires, I caught myself giving him more control and asking him what he wanted, thus putting him in a position of power over me. By giving him too many choices (freedoms) I caused confusion for him which lead to behavior issues. At meal time he’d say he wanted more raisins and I would give him more raisins. But then he’d ask for more raisins and I’d want him to eat his beans first and we’d end up in a power struggle because he was used to making the decision as to what he’d eat.
Thankfully, I realized early on that this was something I struggled with and I took back over the control of meal times as well as all other areas of decision making. There aren’t too many age-appropriate decisions for a toddler to make, right? ;)
Once I had Britt, my daughter, it became much, much harder to parent her within the funnel. Instead of just one funnel to worry about, I now have two. In every situation I have to think about what is age-appropriate for a four-year-old (Kye) and what is age-appropriate for a 20-month-old (Britt). My struggle typically becomes allowing her too much freedom and treating her older than she really is.
Recently Kye became old enough to handle eating whole grapes without me cutting them up into slices for him. Britt naturally wanted her grapes whole as well since that’s how her brother’s were, and she would fuss and fuss about it at lunch time. I gave in, thinking (as I often do with her) that it “wasn’t fair” for her to see him getting something different than she was. However, it’s not age-appropriate for a 20-month-old to eat whole grapes. It’s dangerous and not something I feel comfortable with. I had to have a reality check and remind myself that I am the parent and SHE is the child. Things won’t always be fair nor should they be and that it is okay for her to fuss about getting sliced grapes instead of the whole ones. I went back to cutting hers into quarters and she was FINE about it. Barely any fussing at all and I knew she was eating in a safer way.
I have to often remind myself of the funnel and literally stop what I’m doing and consider whether or not something is age-appropriate for each of my children. Kye being the older child I think I often tend to not allow him freedoms when he is ready for them whereas with Britt being the second child I think I allow her too many freedoms too soon.
I also catch myself expecting more from Britt than I should. I have to remind myself of the funnel not only to make sure I have age-appropriate freedoms for Britt, but also age-appropriate expectations. We require Kye to always reply with either “yes ma’am” or “no ma’am” and naturally we expect Britt to respond the same way. Hearing her say “no” gets under my skin and I find myself irritated with her for not saying “no ma’am.” At her age she doesn’t have the language ability to say “no ma’am” so instead of expecting her to say it, I simply repeat “no ma’am” to her every time she says “no.” She has started to be able to say “no ma’am” and we are mindful to shower her with praise whenever she does! At four years old, Kye is expected to say it without any praise but at her age, she needs the praise to be encouraged to say it every time!
Whenever in doubt I refer back to page 36 in Toddlerwise and keep the following equations in mind:
1. Freedoms greater than self control = developmental confusion
2. Freedoms less than self-control = developmental frustration
3. Freedoms equal to self-control = developmental harmony
Thankfully, Kye is not yet at an age where us withholding certain freedoms from him is an issue. I typically will handle sibling issues by lowering Kye’s freedoms down to ones that are more age appropriate for Britt. Kye has a lot of board games he enjoys playing but many of them have small pieces and also require deeper understanding and patience that Britt just can’t handle yet. Kye knows we don’t play with those games while Britt is awake and instead Zach (my husband) and I will play a game of Kye’s choosing each night during the fifteen minutes between when Britt goes to bed and when Kye goes to bed. He is still able to enjoy his age-appropriate game but without it affecting Britt’s ability to stay within her appropriate limits.
I know that Kye does sacrifice for his younger sister in many areas and I’m always mindful of that. I make a special effort to always compliment him and to give him plenty of opportunities to enjoy his well earned four-year-old status freedoms. We go get ice cream just the two of us quite often, I allow him to have some quiet time in his room with his preschooler age toys before she wakes from her afternoon nap, and he attends a half-day preschool where he’s around other children his age every day!
With two children, parenting within the funnel is definitely a greater challenge than it ever was with just one child. I know as we add more children to our family eventually that I will have to readjust and always be mindful of what limits, freedoms and expectations are appropriate for each child at their given ages. I understand how important parenting inside the funnel is at any age and try to always have it at the front of my mind when making any parenting decisions.
I’ll Be Back Soon!
Hi everyone. I just wanted to drop a quick note to apologize for the radio silence! I started this blog in January 2009, and I have been blogging consistently (three times a week) for about a year and a half. I have no intentions of neglecting my devoted readers. I’m just super busy!!! In addition to homeschooling my boys, which requires a ton of planning in the summer, I work as a freelance writer and marketing consultant. Apparently the economy is improving because I’m slammed! It’s all good, but I need to catch a breath before I start blogging again. But I’ll be back soon!
Until then, there’s a lot of great content in my archives, so go back and read some of my older posts if you haven’t already. There are a few gems in there!
New BFBN Pinterest Board and $50 Amazon Giveaway
The Babywise Friendly Blog Network (BFBN for short) is growing! Join me in welcoming our new members!
Next week, we will start a new monthly series sharing some tried and true tips and tricks. Some of us will explore laundry and cooking while others of us discuss homeschooling, extra-curricular activities, and more. To kick off the series, we’ve launched a new BFBN Pinterest board! Follow the link on the Rafflecopter widget below to see all that we have in store.
Next Thursday, my birthday :-), we will celebrate the BFBN, the tips and tricks series, and Pinterest board by awarding a lucky reader with a $50 Amazon gift card! Enter below. Please join us and bring some tips of your own to share!
Balancing Authority and Fun in the Home
By Rachel, A Mother Far from Home
If you’re like me (and life probably runs easier for you if you are not) then you find yourself being a lot easier being the boss than you do the playmate or companion to your children. My husband is, in fact, quite the opposite. At times I’ve found myself jealous that he is so easily able to get down on his hands and knees and engage in such a direct way with them. Lately I’ve actively been trying to balance the two.
My mother is in the education system by profession and while at college her teachers gave advice that went something like this. “Be really strict until Christmas, then after the New Year you can have some fun with your students because they’ll be in the habit of good order.” While a home is not exactly like a classroom, per se, there are many parallels between the two and I believe that from infancy if you run your home with fair, loving and firm authority you’ll be able to have lots of fun with your children without everything getting out of control.
(1) Being in control doesn’t mean you’re controlling. A mom is in control of the schedule, the activities and what behaviors she will or won’t allow. But, just because you run an orderly home doesn’t mean that you are controlling in a way that doesn’t allow spontaneity and fun. There will be times during the day that are free and open to wherever your children’s imagination and inspiration lead you. During these times try to get down and dirty with them. Don’t sidewalk supervise, but join in. Dig in the sandpit with them. Get in on that board game. Put on a cape and be the bandit. It will be hard at first but silliness may be a good outlet for stress relief too!
(2) You can have fun and correct at the same time. Maybe you’re afraid that if you join in the fun then things will escalate out of control quickly and you’ll have to step out and referee. It is true that free play and run around fun can get rowdy, but I believe that if you are consistently kind and firm anyway, you can keep the chaos to a minimum. If your authority is not in question (and for your own sanity I hope it isn’t) then a kind but firm “no, don’t go over there, come back” won’t interrupt play for more than a few seconds. Redirect, distract and substitute and then carry on playing. It seems like it is fraternizing with the boss, however, we don’t have a lifelong nurturing relationship with our bosses like our children will have with us. It may take a while to find a balance but it can be struck.
(3) Find time for fun in the mundane. I know the dinner table is a great place to teach manners, order and obedience. However, I think it can also be a fun place. Why not sing a song together? As long food is not flying and forks are not being thrown on the floor what is the harm? Play games in the car and don’t make a bath in the evening an in and out affair. Use the times you are already in direct contact with your kids to make things fun. Liven them up. They will react to you so if they know you are willing to play but unwilling to let things escalate to disorder, they’ll follow your lead. I believe that our homes should be a balance of good order and great fun. And I don’t think you have to sacrifice one for the other.
Rachel blogs at A Mother Far from Home on motherhood, pregnancy, parenting, travel with small children and much more.
Correct for Attitude: A Tip
It can be so easy to fall into the trap of correcting our kids’ outward signs of disobedience while ignoring attitude. We often focus on their actions without paying attention to what’s going on in their little hearts. I think attitude is just as important as actions, if not more so. By the same token, we may correct our kids for the words they speak but not correct facial expressions. Attitude is attitude. Whichever way our kids reveal their attitudes to us, our job as parents is to get to their little hearts and make sure they’re in the right place.
Here’s a tip on figuring out whether to correct for attitude, especially those little facial expressions that often go by unnoticed. The next time you see your child with a not-so-happy expression on her face, picture a little comic strip thought bubble over her head and fill in the words. Imagine what she would be saying if she were talking. And if she were saying those words, would you correct her?
Here are a couple examples:
- Expression: Eye roll
- Thought bubble: That’s so stupid.
- Expression: Furrowed brow and tight lips
- Thought bubble: I’m so angry I could hurt someone.
- Expression: Lifted chin while looking away
- Thought bubble: I’m better than you.
You would certainly correct if your child spoke these words, right? And aren’t these words an accurate expression of the attitude you see on her face? Again, attitude is attitude. Correct if it needs correction.
Now, perhaps assigning words to her expressions isn’t entirely fair. So you might not correct as harshly as you might if she actually spoke them. Nonetheless, the point is understanding what’s going on in her heart. If this little exercise helps you get a better feel for her attitude, give it a try. Keep in mind that we cannot forget attitude when correcting our kids. Correct for actions, speech, facial expressions, and any other expression of attitude, always making sure the child’s heart is in the right place.
Babywise Week: When Family Doesn’t Support Babywise
It’s Babywise Blog Network Week again! All week, we’ll be featuring blog posts from other Babywise-friendly blogs. The schedule is as follows:
· Monday: Maureen Monfore, Childwise Chat
· Tuesday: Valerie Plowman, Chronicles of a Babywise Mom
· Wednesday: Bethany Lynch, The Graceful Mom
· Thursday: Rachel Norman, A Mother Far From Home
· Friday: Emily Parker, Journey of Parenthood
Today we hear from Emily from Journey of Parenthood. She talks about what to do when our family members don’t support Babywise scheduling. She offers some great advice as to how to handle the situation including:
- Have your husband speak up if it’s his parents who don’t agree
- Make accommodations like pumping a bottle to give family members time with the baby
- Stick to your guns and don’t doubt yourself
I can sympathize with Emily’s experience. My sister had her three kids before I had my first. She and I are very different parents. She was a baby-wearing, co-sleeping mom. I read Babywise before William was born and knew that it resonated with me. He threw me for a loop though, and his colic required that I be much more of an attachment parent. As soon as the colic (and dairy) were gone, I immediately started implementing Babywise and was much happier for it.
So it took some adjusting for my family to accept my new ways. There were still times when they could offer helpful advice and take my kids off my hands when I needed a break. Even though Babywise wasn’t smooth sailing with William (nothing ever is with that child), I think they did ultimately come around to understand why I had him on a schedule.
Back to Emily’s post, she sums it up nicely with this comment:
“If you’re dealing with Babywise nay-sayers in your life keep doing what you’re doing. Remember that it’s your baby. As people offer up their own advice (which is inevitable!) let them know you appreciate it and will consider it and then do what YOU think is best. It can be hard when you don’t feel like others support your decisions as a parent, but I assure you that they will come around and will probably end up being Babywise cheerleaders themselves.”
Check out Emily’s blog to see the post in its entirety.
Babywise Week: Finding Time in the Everyday
It’s Babywise Blog Network Week again! All week, we’ll be featuring blog posts from other Babywise-friendly blogs. The schedule is as follows:
· Monday: Maureen Monfore, Childwise Chat
· Tuesday: Valerie Plowman, Chronicles of a Babywise Mom
· Wednesday: Bethany Lynch, The Graceful Mom
· Thursday: Rachel Norman, A Mother Far From Home
· Friday: Emily Parker, Journey of Parenthood
Today’s featured post is from Rachel from A Mother Far From Home. I love this post, and Rachel’s blog! Rachel does a great job expressing a little personality in her posts. In today’s post, Rachel talks about finding time to yourself in everyday life. Can you see a theme emerging this week? On Monday, I talked about the importance of finding time for yourself. Valerie and Bethany talked about hiring sitters. But we can’t always find time for ourselves out of the home. Rachel offers four tips for carving out some time for ourselves in everyday life:
1. Schedule it in
2. Find organized activity groups
3. Learn how to lock doors
4. Don’t lose time to the “black hole”
I love this last idea because it’s so true! It’s so tempting to feel like you deserve some time to relax in front of the TV or computer, but these things don’t always leave us feeling refreshed and ready to take on the afternoon or evening with our kids. Here’s what she says:
“By black hole I mean things that may lead you to say ‘I just sat down and three hours have gone by for nothing.’ For me these things revolve around media. Facebook, Pinterest, and my decorating or homesteading blogs can suck up a large amount of time and, while I enjoy them for what they are, they do not help me relax. They help me escape and then, when I’m finished, I don’t feel refreshed.”
I think this speaks to the whole point of carving out time for ourselves. We want to recharge our batteries so we can be better moms to our kids, not simply find an excuse to be lazy.
Babywise Week: Babywise-friendly Babysitters
It’s Babywise Blog Network Week again! All week, we’ll be featuring blog posts from other Babywise-friendly blogs. The schedule is as follows:
· Monday: Maureen Monfore, Childwise Chat
· Tuesday: Valerie Plowman, Chronicles of a Babywise Mom
· Wednesday: Bethany Lynch, The Graceful Mom
· Thursday: Rachel Norman, A Mother Far From Home
· Friday: Emily Parker, Journey of Parenthood
Today we hear from Bethany from The Graceful Mom. In her post (see her blog for the entire post), Bethany offers some tips for finding a sitter who is “Babywise friendly.” Bethany mentions the same points that I mentioned on Monday like how important it can be to take time to yourself, for the sake of the child if not for yourself. I agree with her that when we do have a chance to get away, finding a Babywise-friendly sitter can be invaluable. It’s not always possible to find a sitter who is experienced with the book and its methods. But as I mentioned yesterday, I’m so lucky that a mom in my neighborhood’s babysitting co-op is a Babywise mom, so she knows all about it. Plus, she’s an experienced mom, not a teenager.
But we can’t always find sitters who are familiar with Babywise. In this case, I like what Bethany says here:
“Leave a copy of Babywise laying out. I have had a few sitters actually open it up while the kids are napping and they almost always remark on the good ideas in it.”
Such a good idea! I might do the same with Childwise the next time I hire a sitter!