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Archives for December 2012
My Take on Love & Logic
My readers often ask me about my thoughts about Love & Logic. My husband and I took a Love & Logic class when William was little, and I have to say that although I’m a big proponent of logical consequences, in general, I’m not a huge fan. There were a few tips and tricks that I learned from the class, but I feel that method is somewhat lacking, particularly when it comes to giving our kids a moral foundation.
A big thing that the Ezzos teach us that books like Love & Logic don’t is to teach the moral reason behind the behaviors we expect. We don’t need to explain everything. In fact, when it comes to daily, practical matters, I feel like we shouldn’t give an explanation. Kids don’t need a reason to obey, and they certainly don’t need fodder to negotiate. But when it comes to moral matters, we should teach and instruct at length. We don’t want to raise children who only act appropriately because of external consequences. We want them to internalize moral behavior.
So when it comes to sharing, we teach the value of others. Ultimately, we expect that they will think of others on their own. When it comes to lying, we teach the importance of truth and how consistent lying can create a “boy who cried wolf” situation. And when it comes to sibling rivalry, we teach our children to love and empathize. The Ezzos teach us that modeling these behaviors is also extremely important.
There is certainly some crossover between Love & Logic and the Ezzos’ teachings since the Ezzos do recommend logical and natural consequences. But Love & Logic take these consequences a step too far, in my opinion. Some of the consequences recommended in the class are too extreme. I’m not going to follow any parenting method that tells me to kick my kids out of the car because they’re fighting, even if a friend was standing by to pick them up or follow them as they walk (as was recommended).
Even less extreme consequences like letting a child forget his lunch bother me. I agree that perhaps the only way to change the behavior of a child who consistently forgets his lunch is to let him go hungry. And maybe I’ll come across this when my kids are older, but I cannot imagine knowingly letting my kids go hungry at school. First of all, William has hypoglycemia, so he would be a blood sugar nightmare. Besides kids need nourishment to learn.
As for the theory behind Love & Logic, I teach my kids to obey my word because I am their mom, not because there’s a threat of a consequence hanging over their heads. Sometimes there is no logical consequence for a given situation, and sometimes we don’t have time to deal with consequences. Children should obey and respect their parents simply because they are children.
When consequences are our kids’ sole motivation, how will they act when we’re not around? If there’s no one there to issue a consequence, will they have the moral integrity to act appropriately? Sure, natural consequences (like being scratched by a cat) will still happen, but natural consequences are few and far between.
This is a bit of a loaded question, but how do you feel about Love & Logic? Feel free to contradict me! Have you gleaned any good tips or tricks from the method?
Babywise Resources on Sale
Does anybody need a refresher on the Babywise principles? Are you ready for the next book in the series? Do you want to see how the Growing Kids materials are different from the (secular) Babywise books?
Well, you’re in luck! They’re all on sale!
Amazon has many of the books for sale in their bargain section. On Becoming Babywise Book 2 is on sale for $3.98 and On Becoming Childwise is on sale for $4.98! Check out all the Babywise bargain books!
If you’re interested in the Growing Kids God’s Way materials, go to the Growing Families International website to take advantage of their Christmas sale. My favorite resource, the Growing Kids God’s Way workbook, is on sale for $16.10. This book has many of the principles outlined in Childwise, but I feel like it’s a little more organized and is much more comprehensive. Check out the GFI store to see all of the GKGW materials, all on sale. The GFI home page has a note discussing all the materials that the Ezzos are currently working on or have completed this year, including the new Nap App!
As I write this, I thought I’d check the Mom’s Notes website to see if any of their materials are on sale. I’m not seeing any sale prices, but I just discovered that Joey and Carla Link (producers of the Mom’s Notes) have written a new book! It’s called Why Can’t I Get My Kids to Behave? Seeing as how I just discovered it, I can’t vouch for it personally, but I do like and agree with most of what the Links say about parenting and the Babywise principles. If anybody has read this book, I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Happy book shopping!
The Morning Rush
Do you have kids in school? If so, you know all about the morning rush. For many, it’s the most dreaded time of day. Honestly, the morning rush was a factor in my decision to homeschool my boys. When William was in preschool, I deliberately chose to send him to the afternoon session to avoid the morning rush. And then he started full-day kindergarten. So we had a full two years to figure out our morning routine, and I can honestly say we never fell into a good groove.
If I had it to do all over again, here’s what I would do:
Get up and get showered before the kids wake up
This is a tough one since I’m such a night owl and really value my sleep. And waking up in the dark is always difficult. But what’s 30 minutes if it makes for a smooth morning? My shower is the thing that makes me feel like I can face the world. If it’s a cup of coffee or just some peace and quiet with your morning paper, take that time for yourself before the kids get up.
Figure out what wakes your child up
Our kids are like us in many ways. If we need a shower, a cup of coffee, or some alone-time with the newspaper to face the day, our kids likely need their own version of a wake-up activity. Allow your child to do whatever it is that he needs to face the day. Lucas always needs his morning snuggles. William likes to play with Legos or draw. It’s no fun if every morning is rush, rush, rush. Allow them some downtime before you walk out the door.
Get ready the night before
My kids always showered at night, and I usually packed lunches the night before, but I’m sure there’s more I could have done to get ready for the morning rush. I could have laid out their clothes, put their shoes (and socks!) by the door, had extra toothbrushes in the downstairs bathroom, made sure their coats were accessible, and made sure their backpacks were packed and by the door.
Make sure everybody gets enough sleep
Kids in elementary school should get about 10-12 hours of sleep, on average. That means, if you’re up at 6:00am, your child should be in bed no later than 8:00pm. Little kids tend to wake up early, so if you’re having to drag them out of bed, it’s likely they’re not getting enough sleep.
Make a chart
Most kids are visual. You can give them tasks orally until you’re blue in the face, and it still doesn’t get done. But if you give them a visual chart, they’ll be more likely to get all of their morning tasks done…and done quickly. I’ve used task cards for bedtime. I lay them out and they can follow them in whatever order they like. Then as they finish each one, they turn the card over. A checklist works just as well. Here’s a link to some free printable chore cards. For durability, take the file to your local office supply store to have them printed on cardstock and laminated.
Give them motivation
Let’s face it, when kids don’t want to go to school and don’t want to leave the warm, cozy house, it can be difficult to get them moving. The more they dislike school, the harder your mornings will be. There may not be much you can change about school, but you can motivate him to get moving. Put marbles in a jar for every task completed quickly, and go out for ice cream when the jar is full. Or give a penny or two for every task done. Stickers can also work well. It all depends on what excites and motivates your child. We’ve been doing pennies for school tasks, and we all love it! They are motivated to do their work, and it’s a lesson in itself since they have to count their money and understand what they can buy with it. One thing a wise teacher friend told me is that it’s important to switch up your reward system regularly. They always get stale, and a new system will create excitement.
Decide what matters most
Make sure you prioritize your morning activities. If you’re spending 30 minutes making sure your daughter’s hair is perfect but not giving your son his necessary morning snuggles, your priorities are a little off. Nobody’s going to notice if the ponytail is a little off center or if the socks don’t match. But your child will notice if you don’t feed his love language in some way every morning.
Vow not to nag
Nagging, yelling, screaming, and threatening have no place in the morning routine. And trust me, I know how easy it is to nag and yell. I have realized, however, that I can simply choose not to nag and yell. And guess what, it works! Attitude is a choice. You can choose to yell and have grumpy kids as a result. Or you can choose to be happy and have a happy start to your day. It makes a huge difference for everyone. You know the old saying, “Happy wife, happy life.” Well, I think this applies to our kids, too. “Happy mom, happy kids!”
Take a mental health day
If you’re having one of those mornings where it’s cold and blustery outside, and nobody wants to leave the house, take a mental health day! Let the kids stay home from school. Get a fire going in the fireplace, read your favorite books, crawl back into bed, eat soup on TV trays, put some cookies in the oven. Do your favorite things, and cherish that time with the kids. You can always email the teacher and ask her to send in whatever work needs to be completed.
How are your mornings? Do you have any tricks that have saved your sanity?
Teach Reasoning
A few days ago, I came across a debate about first-time obedience on BabyCenter. Among the naysayers, there was this prevailing idea that a child who is characterized by first-time obedience is a robot who doesn’t know how to think for himself. The contention was that if you teach a child to obey, he will obey anyone and everyone, even adults who have questionable motives.
My response was that even though I teach my children to obey, I also teach them to think for themselves. My children are not robots.
The Ezzos tell us to teach our children the moral reasons behind the things we require of our children. We teach them things like:
- You behave in a restaurant not just because it’s less annoying, but because you need to think of the other people around you. You cannot ruin their meals.
- You share your toys with your friends because if you were your friend, you would want to play with the toys, too. (Basic first principle stuff.)
This is why I love the Ezzo parenting ideals so much. They don’t tell us to have our kids obey at all costs and forget everything else. Obedience is super important, but we also need kids who think for themselves enough to think of others.
As you navigate this parenting journey, be sure to give your kids ample opportunity to think for themselves. Reasoning is a skill that needs to be learned. I’ll give you an example:
Recently, when William was doing his schoolwork, he wanted me to help him read the passage he was assigned. It seemed daunting to him, but I told him I wanted him to read it. He proceeded to whine and complain. I told him I wouldn’t listen to his whining, but that if he stood up next to me and came up with an alternative (spoken in a respectful voice), I’d be happy to listen. I wanted him to see that I was a reasonable parent who would listen to a reasonable alternative. His suggestion was that I would read the first half and he would read the second.
I’m happy to note that this turned his attitude around immediately. Now, I still had to refuse because I was working and couldn’t take the time away. He was fine with this. I didn’t get any additional attitude issues, and he walked away and completed the work quickly and without complaint. He appreciated that I listened, but he still had to obey. And he knew that in no point in the process was there an alternative to simply not do the work.
So in addition to allowing our children to make use of the moral teaching we’ve done, it’s important that they know we listen. They need to know that we don’t require them to obey simply because it’s convenient for us. They need to be able to walk themselves through that thought process in the same way we do when we give an instruction.
At the end of the day, however, obedience is still required.
Note: Don’t allow your child to reason with you until he is characterized by obedience. If you start this too soon, he’ll use it as a negotiation tactic with everything you ask, and will use it as an excuse not to obey.