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Archives for April 2012
What I’m Reading: “Bringing Up Bebe,” The Sage Child
In French parenting, according to the book Bringing Up Bebe, there is a term that describes an ideal quality in children: sage.
“Sage (sah-je)—wise and calm. This describes a child who is in control of himself or absorbed in an activity. Instead of saying “be good,” French parents say “be sage,” (Bringing Up Bebe).
However, as the author describes, the term means much more than good behavior.
“When I tell Bean [the author’s daughter] to be sage, I’m telling her to behave appropriately. But I’m also asking her to use good judgment and to be aware and respectful of other people. I’m implying that she has a certain wisdom about the situation and that she’s in command of herself. And I’m suggesting that I trust her,” (Bringing Up Bebe, p. 60).
Understand that French parents do not expect their children to be robots. In the same way that the cadre allows children to have freedom within limits, a sage child can still have fun:
“Being sage doesn’t mean being dull. The French kids I know have a lot of fun,” (Bringing Up Bebe, p. 60).
But it is because of their sage quality that French children are able to have fun:
“In the French view, having the self-control to be calmly present, rather than anxious, irritable, and demanding is what allows kids to have fun,” (Bringing Up Bebe, p. 60-61).
The author discusses the history of the term and how the idea of sage has evolved:
“In France, the idea that kids are second-class beings who only gradually gain status persisted into the 1960s. I’ve met Frenchmen now in their forties who, as children, weren’t allowed to speak at the dinner table unless they were first addressed by an adult. Children were often expected to be ‘sage comme une image’ (quiet as a picture), the equivalent of the old English dictum that children should be seen but not heard,” (Bringing Up Bebe, p. 86).
Today, children are still expected to be quiet and respectful, but within reason:
“It suddenly seemed that by shutting kids up, parents might be screwing them up, too. French kids were still expected to be well behaved and to control themselves, but gradually after 1968 they were encouraged to express themselves, too. The French parents I know often use sage to mean self-controlled but also happily absorbed in an activity. ‘Before it was ‘sage like a picture.’ Now it’s ‘sage and awakened,’’ explained the French psychologist and writer Maryse Vaillant, herself a member of the famous ‘Generation of ’68,’” (Bringing Up Bebe, p. 87).
So what is there to learn from this? Essentially, teach your children that there is a time and place for everything. Teach them that they should be quiet at the dinner table simply to show good manners, but if they have something to say, allow them to express themselves. It’s all in the name of teaching our children to be wise, calm and self-controlled.
Managing authority
How well do you manage your authority over your children? Do other people think you’re too strict? Too permissive? Do you bribe or threaten your way out of bad behavior?
“Let’s face it, authority has been a struggle for humankind from Cain and Abel to Bonnie and Clyde. Children struggle with it from birth, and as we grow older, the struggles just grow,” (On Becoming Childwise).
Despite our struggles with authority, we cannot parent our children without it. We cannot teach them the ways of the world without it. We cannot coexist peacefully without it. How we handle authority sets the tone for our parenting.
“Everybody has an idea for handling authority: diversion, persuasion, surrender, bribery, pleading,” (On Becoming Childwise).
We must be strong enough to take a position of authority even when other people think we are too strict.
“For many people, authority has taken on a derogatory flavor. We almost feel like we have to apologize when we use it. … [But] authority is a necessary positive. Until man can order his own affairs, until he ceases to prey on his brothers, he will need someone to maintain order. This is critical for children. The proper use of authority, whether it be parental leadership in the home or civic government, is not restraint, but liberation,” (On Becoming Childwise).
This idea that authority brings freedom and comfort echoes what I said in my last post about the cadre in French parenting.
Despite this clear need for authority, we must be sure to find the right balance:
“The parent who controls too little and the parent who controls too much both reflect misconceptions and false antagonism that have misguided today’s parents. Though both approaches are attempts to produce conscientious, responsible children, they are extremes which apply improper use of authority,” (On Becoming Childwise).
We should take a step back and decide where our authority lies in the spectrum.
“Sadly, many parents live at one of these unwise poles. The over-authoritarian parent may employ highly punitive and sometimes abusive practices which come with strict rules and heavy-handed punishment. The problem here is not the exercise of authority, as some believe, but the excessive and wrongful use of authority,” (On Becoming Childwise).
Every time we exert authority over our children, we should question our reason for doing so. Yes, authority is required, but it should be used to protect the health, safety and morality of our children. If it is used for our own convenience or ego, the authority has been abused.
This line between healthy and abusive authority can be easily blurred. Holding a young child’s hand while crossing the street is a clear use of healthy authority. Making that same child sit in the shopping cart at the grocery store may be an unnecessary use of authority. Perhaps the child is responsible enough to handle the freedom of not sitting in the cart. And at the far end of the extreme, using our authority to require a child spend his Saturday mowing the lawn, doing the dishes, folding the laundry, pulling weeds and fetching us a glass of water is an abuse of authority.
Make sure every use of your authority is done in the name of helping the child become a better person. If it doesn’t promote health, safety or morality, let your authority relax and let the child be a child.
What I’m Reading: “Bringing Up Bebe,” The Cadre
One of the most important ideas in French parenting, according to Bringing Up Bebe by Pamela Druckerman is the cadre.
“Cadre (kah-druh)—frame, or framework. A visual image that describes the French parenting ideal: setting firm limits for children, but giving them tremendous freedom within those limits,” (Bringing Up Bebe).
The cadre seems to be a combination of the Ezzos’ schedule and funnel. The schedule is the framework that defines the structure of the home. The funnel defines firm limits that equate to the child’s level of responsibility. And the child is afforded freedoms based on that same level of responsibility.
“To the French couple [referenced in the book], it seemed like the American kids were in charge. ‘What struck us, and bothered us was that the parents never said ‘no.’ … It suggests that the American kids don’t have firm boundaries, that their parents lack authority, and that anything goes. It’s the antithesis of the French ideal of the cadre, or frame, that French parents talk about. Cadre means that kids have very firm limits—that’s the frame—and that the parents strictly enforce those limits. But within those limits, the kids have a lot of freedom,” (Bringing Up Bebe, p. 67-68).
The book goes on to suggest that kids are more content when they are kept in the cadre.
“He’s a little bit lost. … In families where there is more structure, not a rigid family but a bit more cadre, everything goes much more smoothly,” (Bringing Up Bebe, p. 68).
This idea is further explained as a source of comfort:
“The point of the cadre isn’t to hem the child in; it’s to create a world that’s predictable and coherent to her. ‘You need that cadre or I think you get lost.’ … ‘It gives you confidence. You have confidence in your kid, and your kid feels it,’” (Bringing Up Bebe, p. 84).
One of the parents interviewed in the book explains how the cadre plays out in daily life:
“’I tend to be severe all of the time, a little bit,’ Fanny says. ‘There are some rules I found that if you let go, you tend to take two steps backward. I rarely let these go.’ For Fanny, these areas are eating, sleeping and watching TV. ‘For all the rest she can do what she wants,’ she tells me about her daughter, Lucie. Even within these key areas, Fanny tries to give Lucie some freedom and choices…. ‘Dressing up in the morning, I tell her, ‘At home, you can dress however you want. If you want to wear a summer shirt in wintertime, okay. But when we go out, we decide,’” (Bringing Up Bebe, p. 84).
This is similar to the structure that I have established in my home. I have very firm limits about eating, sleeping and media (all devices, not just TV). I have other limits related to our structure, but within that structure, my boys have freedom. For example, roomtime is a playtime defined by me, and it’s a time when they play alone in their rooms. But they can play with whatever toys or books they wish.
Or when we’re on walks, they know they are to stop at corners, not walk on neighbors’ lawns, stay on the sidewalk, and not cross the street alone. Aside from those rules, they are free to run ahead or stop to pick up sticks as they wish.
It all comes down to balance. We need to let our kids be kids, but we also need to give them limits to keep them healthy and safe. For both the parents’ sake and the child’s, it’s important to decide what those limits are ahead of time. And then when there’s opportunity for freedom, we can allow it.