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Archives for November 2011
Moral precept #6: Avoid legalism when giving an instruction
In my last post, I pointed out the need for considering context in any situation where you give an instruction or decide to explain the moral or practical reason for your instruction. Today, I will explore the need for context related to a bad trait that too many parents exhibit: legalism.
Legalist parents to go the extreme of labeling every action as either morally right or wrong. Or worse, they will label every action as obedient or disobedient. They don’t consider context.
Stay with me as I provide this excerpt from the book:
“If you’re a Babywise parent, you will remember this warning. In an attempt to ensure moral compliance, some parents go to the dangerous extreme of labeling every behavior either right or wrong, without any consideration given to context. Making such sweeping statements is neither accurate nor appropriate.
“This is legalism country. Legalism elevates method over moral principle to create prohibitions. When we value the law more than we do grace, we succumb to legalism. …
“The most notable habit of a legalist is rejecting context. Responding to the context of a situation does not mean we’ve lapsed into moral relativism or that we should suspend law or principle. It means we should apply them in the most appropriate way. We hold to the spirit of the law. Considering context guards against legalism,” (On Becoming Childwise, p. 85).
Let’s go back to my Starbucks example. I don’t tell my boys to never run in Starbucks because there may be a small chance that they will need to run. Maybe there’s a fire. Maybe somebody is hurt and they want to help. Maybe there’s a potty emergency. In any case, legalism can get us into trouble.
Beyond this, we must consider context when deciding whether our children are being obedient or disobedient. Some parents are so legalistic that if a child makes the slightest step into a behavioral grey area, the parent will be quick to label the child as disobedient. Children are people, too! They make honest mistakes! They must evaluate context themselves.
Certainly, there are times when we must keep our children on a short leash, but we must not be so limited in our thinking.
Moral precept #5: Make moral judgments by examining context
When faced with a decision about whether to curb your child’s behavior or provide a moral or practical reason for your expectations, consider context. Here’s an example of a practical reason that quickly becomes a moral reason when considering the context.
My boys and I walk to Starbucks quite frequently. I will sit and drink my tea. They will have their snacks, do homework or sit with a neighbor friend who joins us. While it was never my intention to use a coffee shop as a moral training ground, it has worked very well.
If the boys are still hyped up from our walk there or if they didn’t burn enough energy on the excursion, they will sometimes walk into Starbucks with a level of energy that isn’t appropriate for any place indoors, much less a coffee shop.
Do I simply tell them to settle down? Do I simply tell them to walk, not run? No. I explain and show to them why they must do so. I will get down on their level and discreetly point to the people in Starbucks. I’ll spot one who is working on a laptop. I’ll spot another patron who has his nose in a newspaper. On the other side of the coffee shop are two friends who are engaged in a conversation.
I explain to my boys that they are disrupting these people who are enjoying the relative quiet of Starbucks. The level of play they are exhibiting is appropriate for outside or the park, not for indoors.
If I have any practical experience with such a scenario, I usually provide it. Recently, a friend’s 2-year-old was being rowdy in Starbucks, which caused a very hot coffee to be spilled on her 7-week-old baby brother. The baby was sitting in his infant car seat on the floor, and the coffee was knocked off the table and right onto him. (After a trip to the emergency room, fortunately, the baby will be okay.)
While I don’t always alert my boys to the bad things that happen in our world, I will share something if I think it will make an impact. In this case, sharing this experience provided a very real and very effective reason as to why they must temper their behavior in Starbucks.
So the next time you are asking your child to change his behavior, consider the context and think through any real-life examples you may have that will get through to him and that will stay with him for a long time.
Our ultimate goal with providing the moral and practical reasons behind our behavior requests is that they be able to learn from the experience and exhibit the behavior long after we are there to tell them to do so.
Moral precept #4: Provide the why of practical training
As with providing an explanation for the moral behavior we expect of our children, we must also do so in practical matters. While it is good that our children simply obey our word, it is reasonable to provide them with an explanation as to why we expect a certain behavior.
If a child asks for an explanation in a way that questions your authority, it is best not to provide it. A power struggle may certainly ensue if you do. But if he is simply curious and wants to know more (you are the teacher; he is your student), then by all means explain.
Sometimes the line between moral training and practical training is a little fuzzy. When in doubt, provide the explanation. The book gives us this example:
“Shayla’s dad was working on a weed problem near the fruit tree. His busyness attracted her curiosity. Seeing his daughter draw near, he warned, ‘Shayla, move away from the tree. I just sprayed poison around the trunk, and it’s not safe,’” (On Becoming Childwise, p. 82).
This was a very practical scenario with a very practical reason (health and safety). Since Shayla’s father explained to her why she should avoid the tree, her curiosity was satisfied. The simple explanation minimized the tension between Shayla’s need for obedience and her natural curiosity.
Don’t allow yourself to get into a power struggle with your child simply because you can’t or don’t want to provide your reasoning behind a request. Don’t incite a power struggle.
As I said above, unless your child is questioning your authority, give him the explanation. This of course requires that you be able to discern your child’s motives. Is he just curious or does he think he shouldn’t have to follow your instruction? You can often hear it in his tone. When you’re not sure, give him the benefit of the doubt.
What I’m Reading: “A Parent’s Guide to Gifted Children,” Preface
I love to read. I read mostly fiction, but I also have a particular affinity for parenting books. I thought I would start a new blog post category to share with you my thoughts about whichever parenting book I’m reading at the moment, chapter by chapter.
Right now, I’m reading A Parent’s Guide to Gifted Children. A friend, whose daughter is extremely bright, has inspired me to learn more about gifted children, and she and I are taking a class based on this book. (I’m seeing some gifted traits in William, my eldest.)
Giftedness is not solely genetic
Before you decide that this book isn’t for you, let me assure you that while there is certainly a genetic component of giftedness, it’s not wholly inborn.
“Environment plays an important role as well. Gifted children, like any other children, thrive in supportive environments and fail to thrive in non-supportive environments. Young children can even show an increase in measured intelligence if they are given strong emotional and educational enrichment. Up to seven or eight years of age, IQ scores may increase with enrichment of the child’s environment by 10 to 20 points or more,” (A Parent’s Guide to Gifted Children, p. 3).
Toddlers learn best by experiencing their worlds
Now, before you run off to buy flashcards for your two-year-old, let me explain my theories about educating toddlers. I wholeheartedly believe that toddlers learn best by experiencing their environment. They learn best by tackling challenging puzzles, going on nature walks, playing with peers, having tea parties with imaginary friends, listening to you read to them and seeing you read to yourself.
Academic learning of letters and numbers, no matter how much the child may request it, should take a back seat to experiential learning at this age. When a child reaches school age, and school becomes his “job,” then it will be time to dive into abstract academic learning. When you focus too much on abstract letters and numbers too early, the child will miss out on important social and imaginative learning. As you’ll soon read, gifted children often struggle with social skills. Don’t rush your child through important developmental milestones.
Raising gifted children is complex
This brings me to the crux of this book: parenting gifted children isn’t easy.
“One mother said, tongue-in-cheek, ‘My son is afflicted with giftedness.’ Suppose you do have a gifted child living in your house. This means she will grow up to be a contented, responsible, contributing, and valued member of society, right? … Well, not necessarily. Some gifted children with high potential never live up to it. Other factors can get in the way, and often, these are social and emotional factors,” (A Parent’s Guide to Gifted Children, p. xiii).
Parents must help their children, gifted or otherwise, find a balance between fitting in and following their own path.
“To help and support gifted children, we must first recognize that they are thoroughly different. Next, we must understand how they are different, because not all gifted children are the same. And finally, as the important and influential adults in their life, we must guide them—not only in academic endeavors, but also in social, interpersonal, and self-development skills,” (A Parent’s Guide to Gifted Children, p. xiv).
So while all parents may hope to have children who excel academically, we must understand that parenting them is a complex endeavor. Success in life is measured on many levels, and we must address them all if we are to help our children live up to their fullest potential.
Moral precept #3: Know the why of moral training
In my last post, I talked about how parents must lead by example when showing their children the way of moral maturity. In this post, I explained how we must use positive words when teaching the way of virtue.
But beyond leading by example and telling our children what behaviors we expect, we must teach them the reasons behind our moral values.
“Many children know how to apply moral law but not as many know why it’s correct. Knowing how to do right and why they should do it are two distinct entities,” (On Becoming Childwise, p. 79).
You certainly want your children to exhibit character traits in their behavior, but if they are going to be able to apply these same character traits in different scenarios, they must know the reason why.
Imagine that for years you have told your child to share his toys with his friends. Every time he is at a play date, you are there to tell him what and when to share. You never explain to him why he must share. A couple years later, he enters Kindergarten and is at school for several hours a day without you. Will he know to share with his classmates without you there to tell him to do so?
“Often children are taught what they should not do (e.g., do not steal) or should do (e.g., share your toys with your sister). However, parents in our society consistently fail to teach the moral or practical why of behavior. This results in children who are outwardly moral but not inwardly. They know how to respond in different circumstances because they have been trained, but they cannot adapt to unforeseen situations because they do not grasp the underlying moral principle,” (On Becoming Childwise, p. 80).
This point is so important that the Ezzos made it one of the main Childwise principles:
Childwise Principle #7: It is not enough to teach your children how to act morally; they must learn how to think morally.
By the time your child is three years old, every instruction that is tied to a moral behavior should include the moral explanation.
Moral precept #2: Moral training begins in parents’ hearts
As with almost everything in parenting, leading by example is key when developing character in our children.
“Moral training begins with mom and dad. Effective parents know they cannot lead their child any farther than they have gone themselves. If the prescription for moral living is not written on the parents’ hearts, it will never be passed on to the children,” (On Becoming Childwise, p. 78).
If there is any character trait you wish to instill in your child, you must exhibit that trait yourself. A generation or two ago, it was accepted and common for parents to say to their children, “Do as I say, not as I do.” When it comes to important moral values, don’t allow yourself to utter this phrase.
Imagine these scenarios:
- You, of course, want to teach your child not to steal. In the bulk foods aisle in the grocery store, you allow him to eat a piece of candy without paying for it.
- You want to teach your child not to lie. When you answer the phone and it’s a call for your husband, he tells you to tell the caller he’s not home.
- You want to teach your child to be kind to everyone. He hears you on the phone with a customer service representative while you lose your temper.
- You want to teach your child not to cheat. While approaching a line at the movies, you spot a friend at the front of the line and get in line with her.
Doing and knowing right from wrong are two different things. Our children learn more from our actions than they do from what we say to them.
“Personal integrity remains one of the great credibility builders of parenthood. Hypocrisy, on the other had, will smash that credibility every time. Parental hypocrisy occurs when mom and dad exempt themselves from values they require of their children. It’s a breeding ground for contempt,” (On Becoming Childwise, p. 79).
Are you ever surprised by a lack of morality in your children? Whether it’s in general or related to one specific character trait, you must look to your own actions before placing any blame on the child. If you cannot hold yourself to a certain standard, you cannot expect it of your child.
Is it always easy? Certainly not. Must we require more of ourselves now that we are parents. Yes!